Monday, April 14, 2014

So What If I'm Five Months Behind?

I'm five months behind on my blog posts, and I've had a hard time thinking of where to begin or how to explain my absence.

I could blame it on the fact that the last time I blogged, I posted this picture of Betty in foxy PJs.  I could probably convince people that she got so upset that she beat me and/or took our computer away so that I couldn't blog anymore.  People might buy it.  I mean, I did coin the term "Going all Wells Fargo" based on an epic phone call she had with Wells Fargo where the head of the PMI department grovelled for her forgiveness.


Or I could blame it on the fact that Betty and I won our Fantasy Football league that we joined with our friends. Who knows, maybe the pressure of destroying our friends in a fantasy game made us want to up our game for next season, and so we've been spending even more time watching game tape, mocking draft picks, binge-listening to SiriusXM NFL Radio and writing down funny smack talk to email out to the league.

Or I could blame it on the fact that I've been watching a lot of NetFlix and playing a lot of Wii U.  But I won't!

Instead, I'll just show you an updated picture of my beautiful wife, Betty.


Betty's pregnant!

Our third child is due in July.  We aren't finding out the gender, just like we didn't find out for the first two.  We haven't decided on any names yet, but so far we've ruled out Robert Tanory Jr, Rowdy Roddy Piper Tanory, and Megatron Tanory. (Optimus Prime Tanory is still on the table.)

Basically, the time between blogs has been the time from when Betty wore the Foxy PJs to now her being pregnant. That's how long I've gone without blogging.  It's hard to believe.  Maybe by the time I write my next blog post, my kids will be in college.

It's good to be back!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

What the Fox Actually Says

If you've seen the hilarious video (and catchy song) The Fox (What Does the Fox Say) by Scandinavian band Ylvis, then you may be wondering what the fox actually says.



My kids asked me this question, and I couldn't let them down - so I had to find out. I didn't trust the answers I found on the Internet and so I set out on my own to see what a fox says. I'm proud to tell you that I have the answer.

What does the fox say? The fox says...

[Picture: The Fox]

The fox says, "If you post this picture to Facebook, I will destroy you!"

Good thing the fox didn't say anything about my blog!

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Last Minute Halloween Costume Advice

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I get to dress up both at work and at home, my kids get to score lots of candy (which I get a percentage of - that's how we roll in the Tanory household), and girls dress up in slutty Chinese Takeout outfits.

It's a win-win for everybody, except for real ghosts, which are apparently scared away by people dressed up as fake ghosts.

If you were on the fence about dressing up for your company's Halloween costume contest and didn't prepare, have no fear! Here are a few simple outfits that are sure to get you noticed and/or fired at work. You may not win the costume contest, but you will definitely be remembered.

1. Horny Toad

Let's say you are a college football fan. Now you may be thinking, "I'll dress up as LSU's mascot, Mike the Tiger!" No, that's boring. I like Mike and all, but there are more interesting mascots out there... like TCU's horned frog. (That's their real mascot, by the way.)

How do you dress up like a horned frog, or as I like to call it, a horny toad? Easy. Get one of those green skin suits from Halloween Express and stuff a giant zucchini down your crotch.

Instant horny toad!

An alternate costume would be the Frog Prince costume. If you dress as a Frog Prince, you may have some ladies try to kiss you. Be wary of women that are overly affectionate towards amphibians - they are most likely gold diggers and/or have warts.

2. Custodian

One year Betty and I went to a Halloween party in college, and we dressed up as janitors. We both wore Walls outfits. The thing about being a custodian is that if you dress up as one, you have to sell it: you have to pick up after other people, you have to grumble while you do it, and you have to do it nice and slow.

The party we were at had a band, and when they went outside to take a smoke break, we went with them. The lead guitarist finished a cigarette and threw the butt on the floor, at which point I moseyed over to it, grumbled, bent down and swept it up using my dustpan. The guy exclaim, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" before I gave him the evil eye and he realized that I was in costume.

3. The Dancing Guy in the Red Tracksuit from SNL's What Up With That Sketch

I'll be honest: I've been wanting to be Jason Sudeikis' "dancing guy in the red tracksuit from SNL's What Up With That" sketch for about 3 years. My goal was to play the "What Up With That" song (which you can see and hear by clicking here) and just dance along with it.

Since I've never followed through with this one, it's up to you to do it! Let me live vicariously through you!

4. A Tourist

My costume for work this year is going to be "a tourist." I know, it sounds boring, and I won't win for best costume. However, it's going to be a lot of fun - I'm going to bring my Frommer's book (with a modified cover), have a map of the office building (so I can ask people how to get to key destinations), and will take pictures of everything and everyone. I'm going to ask people to sign autographs. I'm going to walk behind groups of people and pretend like I'm on a tour. I will have sunscreen on my nose all day - I'll store a bottle in my fanny pack. If anything, I hope to annoy everyone and maybe even get a few laughs.

Everyone have a safe and happy Halloween! And if you have any last minute costume advice, please leave a comment.

Friday, October 04, 2013

World's Best Dads

I like to think that I am a great father, but the truth is that I learned everything I know about how to be a nurturing, patient and respectful person from my father and my brother.

I've modeled my actions as a dad on my own father, who was always there for all of his kids no matter what. Regardless of how hectic his work schedule was, he was always at my baseball and soccer games. He even coached many of those teams.

And my brother, well... what can I say, I love him like a brother. I've always been able to watch what he did and learn from it. He was always able to figure something out first and then share that knowledge with me.

I've always wanted to know where this innate trait of being a great father came from, and now Science may have the answer. I could explain it all here, but I would just be posting someone else's research, so instead I'd like to just link to an article that explains it very clearly.

Please read the following article, then remember the great men who have made so much of an impact in your life.

Friday, September 13, 2013

My Broken Pole

My pole is broken due to being blown too hard.

It all happened during a bad thunderstorm. We noticed that the patio umbrella was unfurled just as it started to rain. I told Betty that I should go out and furl it. "I shall furl!" I announced, but it was too late - the storm was already too furious.

At our old house, we had forgotten to furl our umbrella before a bad storm once, and the wind had picked it up and tossed it over our fence and into the street. I just happened to notice it while backing out of the driveway to go to work. Ever since then, I've made sure to tighten it within the umbrella stand.

I like the pole to be tight in the stand. Especially when a storm's a'brewin'. Otherwise the pole flops around, and nobody likes a floppy pole.

Sadly, the storm was too much this time around. The wind blew too hard, and although our stand kept the pole firmly in its grip, the pole bent until it finally snapped.

The moral of the story is that it's not the size of your pole... it's how you furl it.

Knowing is half the battle.

Monday, September 02, 2013

Nagigator

I've created new words to add to our "back seat driving" lexicon.

The first word is Nagigator. It means "one who nags while navigating." This is different than someone who simply nags you while you're driving them around, as a nagigator is a person that is in the act of helping you get where you want to go - although he or she could allegedly do it much better, faster and safer.

A related word is Nagigation. This is the act of nagging while navigating.

To be fair, I wasn't the first person to write out "Nagigator." Someone sent me an email and tried to type out "navigator" but instead wrote "nagigator," and I told him that I had stolen his typo. Then I replied to the aforementioned email with gibberish, random misspellings and unfinished thoughts, in the hope of helping that person come up with an idea for their very own new word.

While you may think that I can't just go around inventing new words whenever I want, I beg to differ - and will call you a back seat wordsmith until I can think up something more clever. But most people don't know the meanings or origins of very famous words. Who does, unless you're a cunning linguist?

You can check out Merriam-Webster's Top 10 Words of Summer, which shows the origin of some summery words. Maybe soon they'll refer to this blog post when they write about how Nagigators are taking over America.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

And So It Begins (Again)....

Betty and I did a fantasy football draft this weekend.

Yes, that's right - I said "Betty and I." I have finally managed to get her to play fantasy football! It's just like The League, but hopefully my wife won't eventually create her own team and beat me.

I'm in three leagues this year. I'm in my family league with all my immediate family, cousins, and my cousin's cousins, in which last year I won the most points but somehow managed to not make the playoffs. I'm also back in my work league, in which I was in first place going into the playoffs and then promptly lost my next two games.

And now I'm in a league with Betty, which means she is contractually obligated to watch football games with me - or else our team will suffer for it!

Oooh yeah!

How did I manage to pull off this incredible feat? Actually, I didn't. Her friends did.

A few nights ago she was playing on her phone when she turned to me and said, "Now before I show you this, I want to remind you that you're already in two fantasy football leagues." I had no idea what she was about to show me. I was hoping it was a naked picture - preferably of her, but I would have also accepted anything that resembled a female adult human. Or a picture of pizza. I didn't know how that fit into fantasy football, but I don't usually think logically or rationally unless there's financial incentive.

When Betty gave me her phone, I saw that it was a text from a friend, asking if we wanted to join a couple's league.

"Of course we do!" I said, while typing out a very witty and/or extremely vulgar reply. (Betty wouldn't let me send it. It would have been classic, though.)

We did a live draft over the weekend for this particular league, which is hosted by our friends The Troutmans. We named our team Troutmania, because we love the Troutmans (Troutmen?) and we love Troutmania in general. We're Troutmaniacs.

We Tanorys came prepared to our live draft. I had my list of players ranked and organized by position, strength of schedule and team colors; Betty had peanut butter / chocolate brownies; and we both wore our football jerseys. Betty wore a pink football jersey, and I wore an LSU jersey along with my son's LSU helmet.

[Ready for our draft!]

Yes, this helmet is made for a three year old, but it fits my tiny head. Remember: it's not the size of your head that matters, it's how you use it.

[Snug as a bug on a rug, in an LSU helmet made for a child!]

At our draft, we discovered that one of the teams in our league is called Sex Panther. If you're not familiar with Sex Panther it's a cologne with the slogon, "60 percent of the time, it works 100 percent of the time!" After every pick, Team Sex Panther would spray actual Sex Panther cologne throughout the room. By the end of the night, we all smelled like Sex Panther, which meant we all had a 60 percent chance of getting lucky.

Let's just hope our team is lucky.

On second thought, just the idea of Betty watching football with me makes me think I've already won the fantasy league, even if our team never wins a game. I hope she learns to love football as much as I do... as long as she doesn't branch out and start her own team without me!