Life of Pi

We're at the beach this week and we all have beach books. Mine is "When You Are Engulfed in Flames" by David Sedaris, because nothing says the beach quite like a book with a skeleton smoking a cigarette on its cover.

My sister is reading "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel. I haven't read "Life of Pi" but it got 3.14 stars on Amazon so it must be good. I've been reading over my sister's shoulder for the past two days, but I can only see the left page due to my shoddy vantage point. I also occasionally miss a word or two whenever a woman in a skimpy bikini struts by. Anyway, here's what I've been able to find out about the book so far:

The "Pi" mentioned in the book's title is the first name of one "Pi Patel." Mr. Patel is an Indian guy who owns a hotel and doesn't like curry. I know what you're thinking: What!? An Indian person who doesn't like curry? That can't be true... could it?

Pi's family owns a zoo and tries to move their animals from India to somewhere else (the unknown destination was on the right page, which I couldn't see), but along the way their boat explodes in a towering pyre of animal flesh, leaving Pi alone on a boat with a tiger. Since Pi ultimately survives the book (or so we assume), then we know that the tiger in question wasn't an Auburn Tiger, otherwise Pi would have thrown himself overboard somewhere around page 10.

I'm not sure of the details of Pi's survival, but I suspect it has something to do with his explicit knowledge of the Karma Sutra and the tiger's willingness to try new things. This also might explain why only two entities were on the boat in the beginning, but three land at Plymouth Rock and give smallpox to the natives. Or maybe I'm confusing the plot line with something else....

Either way, the next time you're at the beach I highly recommend reading either "When You Are Engulfed in Flames" or "Life of Pi." Or you could swim around in the ocean, since you can read any other day of the year but are only at the beach every once in a while.

Beach Bums

We've been celebrating Independence Day by spending a week at Gulf Shores, because nothing says "Thank You" to our founding fathers like watching girls in skimpy American Flag bikinis getting their tops blown off by a tsunami-like wave.

Thanks, founding fathers!

My daughter turned 3 months old on July 4th, so we dressed her up like George Washington and told her that her noonie was a symbolic version of the Red Coats. She suckled those dang Torries to death! Afterwards, while surverying the beach from our tenth-storey window we spotted someone wearing Union Jack swimming trunks down by the pool, so I dumped a piping hot bowl of chili off the balcony and made him run for cover.

USA! USA! USA!

I would be down at the beach soaking up some sun instead of writing a blog, but unfortunately I'm sick. This always happens to me: I finally get to unwind from a stressful year at work only to have my immune system totally puss out. Dang you, leukocytes! Man up!

Well, I guess I should at least try to get my vitamin D by laying out by the ocean. I just hope the guy I poured chili on isn't still waiting downstairs for me.

Guitar Hero: Aerosmith

For our anniversary Betty got me the new Guitar Hero: Aerosmith game for the Wii. This may at first seem like an odd choice for an anniversary gift until you understand that Betty always gets me Nintendo gear so I'll be too preoccupied to bug her for sex.

And once again her schemes have worked. Go team!

There's a reason you can't see below the belt: I rocked my pants off.

For my part, I got Betty bubble bath liquid and crystals, plus foaming lotion bubbles from Bath Junkie. I write this not to impress you with my giftability but to remind myself for next year when I need to get Betty something for our five year anniversary so I don't get her the same thing. (Thanks in advance, Bob!)

Giving gifts used to be so much easier before we got our patio. I would just promise Betty that I'd build the patio sometime within the next year, then procrastinate. It was the gift that kept on giving. Next time I'll procrastinate harder so I'll retain any large fallback gifts.

Speaking of procrastinating, I've put off playing Guitar Hero long enough. I've got so much Sweet Emotion for this game that I guess it's time to get Back in the Saddle Again. Now if only I can get Betty to make Love in an Elevator with me then I'll have made the Aerosmith pun trifecta!

Destroyer of Obstacles

My cousin Elizabeth and my Aunt Penny are on a mission trip in India to help poor children living in squalor. They're working out of Khardah, a city just north of Calcutta (or Kolkota - however we're spelling it nowadays). We can only assume that they are also assisting with your tech support calls about why Vista keeps crashing.

Lizzy visits the schools in the area and works with the children. I just learned that apparently my cousin is not only beautiful, smart and athletic, but she can also speak Bengali. Overachievers make me sick!

While Lizzy's at school, Penny puts her nursing background to work by performing wound care to the homeless people who live at the Dum Dum and Sealdah train stations and other areas. Penny has obtained a reputation as a healer and is currently enjoying a "celebrity Angelina-like status!"

I can't tell you how proud I am of Elizabeth and Penny. It's really wonderful that they're giving their time and energy to these people. And it would be even more wonderful if they brought me back a little statue of Ganesha.

I've always felt a strong association with India, which may have something to do with the fact that I'm a computer programmer. From working with Indians I've learned that although there are thousands of different gods in the Hindu heritage, they are all just different facets of their supreme god, Brahman.

But my favorite Hindu god is Ganesha, or more accurately, the 7th Incarnation of Ganesha named Vighnaraja, the "Destroyer of Obstacles." Ganesha is the god that Indians worship before they start any task or journey. He has the head of an elephant, uses a mouse as a vehicle, and is basically just the coolest Hindu god there is. Name one other elephant-headed mouse-riding god that has at least 7 incarnations... yeah, that's what I thought! In your face, Hanuman!

So in the spirit of their mission I will be praying to Ganesha for a safe journey home for my cousin, Godmother and statue of Ganesha.

Mario Kart Madness

For my Father's Day present, Betty got me Mario Kart for the Wii and I can't stop playing it. I'm totally addicted. Sometimes I even sleepwalk and play it in my sleep. I guess I "Sleep-drive" or "Sleep-Wii." And just in case you were wondering, yes, I'm the most incredible Mario Karter that's ever lived!



If you've never played Mario Kart then you've never experienced the thrill of shooting the driver in front of you with a red turtle shell homing missile, the sheer joy of dropping a banana peel for the guy behind you to slip on, or the satisfaction of running someone off the road and into the abyss of a deep gorge. If you're really lucky you can get a lightning bolt, which turns everyone else into miniature versions of themselves, then you can squash'em.

It's family fun!

I only wish that life imitated art. I sure could use some of those red turtle shell heat seeking missiles when driving around Baton Rouge!

When You Are Engulfed in Flames

A couple of weeks ago I saw an author named David Sedaris on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I hadn't read anything by Sedaris but just from the interview I could tell that I would like his work.

So when I saw that he would be promoting his new book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, by attending a book signing at the Barnes and Noble in Baton Rouge, I said to myself: why not?

Betty and Anne met me at Barnes and Noble to cheer me on as I bought several books to be signed, but they left early in the night so Betty could get back to feed Anne. It was either that or have the Milk Truck visit Barnes and Noble.

Fast forward to Thursday morning at 1:15 am. I had been at Barnes and Noble since 7 pm. The book signing was supposed to be from 7-9 but a crapload of people showed up for this thing. Apparently Baton Rouge loves David Sedaris.

To while away the hours I read the entirety of one of Sedaris's books called Holiday on Ice, then a few stories from another one of his books, Me Talk Pretty One Day. If the people around me hadn't been ardent Sedaris fans then they probably would have thought I had some kind of mental problem from the way I kept guffawing out loud.

Although it took six hours to get David Sedaris's "Herbie Hancock," I have to give him a lot of credit: he signed books for six hours straight without taking a break; he made an effort to chat with every single person who stayed to see him; and last, everyone who met him walked away with a huge smile on their face - including me.

So check out David Sedaris's new book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, unless you are one of the people for whom I got an autographed copy.

CWS Gumbo

On Tuesday the LSU Tigers played the Rice Owls in the College World Series. Rice was winning going into the ninth inning, but LSU had something up their sleeves: a gumbo pot.

"Ah sha," said Blake Dean, who hit the game-scoring double which drove in three runs, "we had ourselves a pot, a roux, some extra chicken and sausage, and all we needed was some rice. Well, we done dumped Rice into our pot."

Dean is currently majoring in Baseball with a concentration in Culinary References.