Saturday, December 30, 2006

Wii Skills are Life Skills

Yeah, you read me right - Wii skills are life skills. Here's what happened to me today:

I was mopping with a Swiffer WetJet, because my wife told me I had to, running the mop to and fro and generally just minding my own business. Every once in a while, I would remember the goal of this mopping exercise, and spray the cleaning solution to get at a really dirty spot on the floor.

Then, out of nowhere, a spider attacks!

Now most of you out there would probably have no idea how to defend yourself from a hungry spider's lunges and web attacks. But because I've been playing The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on the Wii for about 72 straight hours, I was totally prepared.

You see, in Zelda, the main character, Link, kills all kinds of crap with his sword, slingshot, bow and arrow - you name it, he's used it to kill something. And one of the creatures he has to kill is a spider.

So needless to say, I twirled my WetJet in my hands and set myself in a warrior's stance. Then I mercilessly thrust the handle, or hilt, of my mop into the spider's fangs, which just happened to be dripping with venom.

Bobby has just raised a level! Bobby is now a journeyman mopper.

So thanks again, Wii, for teaching me life skills, and for helping me to protect myself against the evil foes of Twilight.

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Other Half of the Battle

G. I. Joe says that, "Knowing is half the battle."

What he doesn't tell you, however, is that the other half of the battle is ding dong cake.

You see, to get people to like you at a new job, you have to bribe them with food. Since no one can resist ding dong cake, and since ding dong cake is, to put it technically, "yummy," a delicious bribe of chocolate cake, whipped cream, powdered sugar, chocolate icing and cream cheese will always work.

Leaving a job? Bring a ding dong cake. Your former coworkers' memories will be filled with affection, as well as longing for you to return, so they can score some more of that sweet-ass cake.

I think my current coworkers will miss my wife's baking more than me or my work. That's fine with me - in fact, that was the plan. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and the best way to launch a successful career in your chosen field is through cake.

I only hope that someone at my old job regularly speaks to someone at my new job, so they can pass on the word of the ding dong cake. I want to be met at the new job with a standing ovation.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Tuesday Night Fights

Some people get "Tennis Elbow." I have "Wii Shoulder."

Seriously, my shoulder hurts. It's just because I haven't used my right arm for several years. The Wii says I play like a 38 year-old man. I take no offense - it told Betty she was 80.

But my virtual bowling score has never been higher! Take that, Acadiana Lanes!

So here's the deal: we went out to a restaurant, drank a couple liters of margaritas, ate the place out of tortilla chips and bean dip, went home where we dressed for success, then played Nintendo Wii until it was way past our bedtime.

Don't believe me? Well, the proof is in the puddin'. Mmm... puddin'.

Playing Wii in a Treasure Island bathrobe

Betty's mom even got into it. She played the boxing game, where she unleashed attacks upon her opponent like a mother bear protecting its young. Let's just say, I'm happy she's on my side. Click here for the video - it may take a while to load. There's no sound, but the video speaks for itself. Enjoy!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas!

This might be my last post for a while - at least until I beat Zelda on my new Wii. Yes, that is correct, I am officially a Wiiner.

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes will have to wait.

Thanks, Santa!

Oh, I think I just got sick. I guess I'll have no choice but to stay home the rest of this week and just take it easy. Maybe sit on the couch. Nuke up some hot cocoa and sit back with my Wii nunchucks. Oh darn!

Wiiiiiii!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Lebanese Decisions

Me and 23 of my family members went to La Fonda's in Lafayette to celebrate all of the December birthdays in the Tanory clan. In between the fourth and fifth margaritas, my cousin Ben introduced me to a game called "Lebanese Decisions." To understand the game, you have to understand a few basic facets of my family's heritage:

1. We are of Lebanese descent.
2. We are hairy.

It's really amazing to think of all the things in my life that can be summed up with those two points of interest.

But anyway, the point of the game is, you grab a tuft of one of your fellow family member's arm hair and pull. The one who cries out in pain first is the loser. Simple enough!

After 10 margaritas at La Fonda's, I stopped feeling any pain in my arm. I also took a snooze on La Fonda's floor, but manned up and ate my fried chicken like a champ afterwards. The fried chicken made my fingers greasy, and a lot harder to grasp the arm hair of my brethren Tanorys, but persistence won the day - I am proud to announce that I made honorable mention in Lebanese Decisions!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

My Brother's 29th Birthmas

Merry Birthmas, Bro! Today you are 29, and in honor of you and your 29 years, I would like to list your 29 best attributes and/or deeds.

29. Your hair retains its shape even after hours in the pool.
28. Your hairy arms protects you from harmful UV rays.
27. The Tanory bros.' general lack of height helps us to keep a better center of gravity and out of the higher altitude's chilly winds.

26 - 5 all involve your intelligence, sense of style and that mole in the shape of Chewbacca on your back, but nobody wants to read about that. Sorry.

4. You paved the way for me to skate through life. Thanks!
3. Saving that old lady from a burglar by wrestling him and then putting him in the sleeper hold was fourth-to-none.
2. Your resistance to the unibrow is bonzer.
1. You have an incredibly awesome brother.

Merry Birthmas!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Tantrum's Christmas Letter

Dearest friends and fam,

2006 was a pretty good year for us. To start off with, In January, on New Year's Day at exactly midnight, Betty and I made out for like 2 whole minutes. We were in Dallas and/or Fort Worth with Matt and Nicolvin when this occured. We then tapdanced for money (and I scored some chapstick) in Downtown Fort Worth. Afterwards we went to bed - her on the bed and me passed out on the floor. Then, the very next day, there were some football games on and I watched them like a champ, even through my hangover.

February brought Valentine's Day. I'm sure I did something totally awesome, but I can't really remember it - it probably involved some combination of chocolate, flowers and candy, and will probably be the exact same thing I give to Betty next Valentine's Day. Spontaneous gifts are my specialty. Also in February, we went down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, which is Betty's lunar birthday. I spent most of the time dressed as the Burger King, drunk and covered in beads, while Betty dressed as a Queen and spread good cheer throughout the recovering city. I was not harassed by any angry cops this year, and was therefore only minimally frisked throughout Mardi Gras.

March brought Betty's real birthday. She got some cool stuff but we're not sharing with anybody, so back off! It was also March Madness so we watched a lot of basketball and I lost every single one of my bracket picks. George Mason sucks.

April was pretty good. On April Fool's Day I called my parents and told them Betty was preggers. They went out and bought like $2,000 worth of stuff for the baby. Then later that night I told them I was joking - ha it was great!

Oh yeah!!!

May kind of sucked. Or maybe it was okay - I don't really remember what we did so it must have not been that good. Oh wait, we went to Navarre Beach, Florida's "Best-Kept Secret." Well I guess I ruined the secret for you, but now you know. But seriously, with a population of only 233 people of median age 36.2 years, I think Ferndale is actually Florida's best-kept secret.

June was cool. Betty finished her second year of teaching and was able to stay up late at night during the summer. We spent many a crazy night reading in bed. Sometimes we stayed up late and watched NetFlix. On one occasion, we played Monopoly with friends, and I robbed the bank and won by default after everyone else quit. (Show me where it says in the rules that you can't rob the bank!)

July brought our second anniversary. Click here for explicit details. Ah you sicko! That's my wife! How dare you!!! But seriously, click here for the really good stuff.

Also in June and July we went to New York City, Washington, D.C., and Las Vegas. We had a blast! We are now officially banned from 8 bars in 5 cities - that's how we roll!

August was hot.

September brought along my sister's birthday. If you are single, in your mid-twenties to thirties, good-looking, and most importantly if my parents know your parents and approve of their parenting choices, then you might have a chance with my sister. Be warned that I'll probably still attack you anyway, regardless of your socio-economic standing. Also in September, my nephew Grant was born, and the same rules that apply to my sister will apply to any young female suitors.

October was pretty lame, except for Halloween. I dressed up as Nacho Libre, and Betty dressed up as the Hot Nun, and together we spread good cheer throughout the neighborhood.



November was great! Oh, except for the fact that my sister moved to Texas like the traitor she is. That pretty much blows. But other than that it was great. On three consecutive days, it got below 50 degrees. I blame El Nino, which by the way, lives in Texas.

December is always great. Not only is Christ's birthday celebrated in December, but so is mine! My brother's is as well, but since his birthday is much closer to Christmas, he gets birthmas gifts, which makes me happy. By the way, Merry Birthmas, broseph!

We hope 2007 is exactly 1 mo' better than 2006! My New Year's resolution is to do well at my new job. And also to finally beat Metroid Prime 2.

Santa!

Happy Holidays, from the Tanory Tantrum!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Mind Control

I love science fiction. I love those books and movies where the monster claws its way into some unlucky sap's head, devours its brain, then overtakes its body and/or re-animates it to do its own whim, especially if the parasite in question is a really bitchin alien with awesome fangs, aaarrrr!!!

But I'm sorry to tell you, brain-devouring aliens are no longer restricted to science fiction.

Actually, I'm pretty freaked out about the whole thing. I do feel pretty good in one respect, because the victims of the alien brain-eating parasite are ants.

Watch and read more about it here. I love the part where the ant is clawing at its own head, trying to stop its brain from being eaten. It would be sad, if it weren't for the fact that I regularly squash ant heads between my fingers every day.

Dear Editor

If you're like me, you're never really impressed with the "Editor." All a newspaper editor does is read the newspaper the day before it comes out - anyone can do that. Heck, I even read the newspaper in the bathroom!

It would be much cooler to call the editor of the paper the Paper President, Word Warlord or Textual Tyrant. (Alliteration is the key to a good professional title.)

But I recently saw something that changed the way I look at editing. Granted, it's editing of audio and video. But it's still editing.

Check out this guy who records a couple of drum beats, a few notes on the keyboard, and then edits it to be an incredible song.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzqumbhfxRo

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

I'm out in search of the perfect gift that "keeps on giving." And I'm not talking about a gift that I can continuously fill up again next holiday, like a jewelry box, an iTunes giftcard or a Spongebob Pez dispenser.

I'm talking about a gift that perpetuates itself, building upon itself like a white hole spitting out matter into a parallel universe.

Nanotechnology might meet my criteria for a gift that keeps on giving, as long as there are plenty strands of amino acids to sequence together. But acids and I don't get along together very well - I failed all my litmus tests in College. (Cue bad joke music.)

Maybe a box of Legos - hmmm....

Santa's red sack of toys is pretty much what I'm looking for. It would be great to be able to pick out at least one toy for the world's 6 billion people (minus the people who want to ban Christmas) and bring joy to the world. Plus my sleigh could float over traffic - schweet!

Santa must have a sophisticated way to locate toys, too, because otherwise it would take longer to sort through the entire bag than the time it would take to just go from house to house. I want Santa's sort algorithm. In digital form, please!

I want a radioactive reindeer, as well. Rudolph's nose will be like a night light, after I put his head up on my wall.

Or maybe I'll settle for the real gift that keeps on giving: Love. And maybe that Spongebob Pez dispenser.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

A New Year's Job

"Make new friends but keep the old / One is silver and the other's gold." If that is really true, I wonder if I can smelt my friends down and sell'm for cash money! What is the current selling rate for silver, anyway?

I'm starting a new job in January. I put in my two weeks at work, and thankfully everyone was happy for me.

The hardest part will be saying goodbye to the wonderful people at the coffee shop across the street. They're like family to me!

Aaron, Shannon, Wayne and I used to go get coffee every day, taking turns paying for each other in rotation. We added up the total cost of what we would spend there if we continued at our (then) current pace, and it was like $300 per person for the year. But it was well worth it.

To Gabby and Sarah, I would like to say, thank you for all of the hot and delicious cafes au lait. And the iced coffee. And the tasty lunches with salad, bread and dessert. And the Propel. And... well, you get the point.

I will miss Brew Ha Ha's tiny trash can in the expansive bathroom, which I think Wild Wayne should focus on for the next Bathroom Reporte.

Of course, Laser Tag will be right by my new office, so that kind of takes the pain away. I know they have a concession stand there - maybe I can get some coffee, then take a short jaunt into laser-enemy terrority. It's like 700 points for shooting the enemy's base. Booyah!

Thanks to everyone at my old job for the great times. We'll definitely keep in touch. And remember, you can always find me on the blog.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Joys of Shopping

I generally don't like to go shopping. If I absolutely have to buy something then I'll research it beforehand, compare all the rates online, then run into the store, grab it, check out, then go home and nap.

But for some items, like books, CDs, etc, I don't mind perusing. Oh yeah, I'm at home at B & N and Best Buy.

This is what I feel like when I find something fun.



And what upper-20's man can't help but to take a stroll down the video games isle?



Last, but not least, there's always the feeling of achievement when you finally get your hands on that perfect gift for that special someone, even if you're your own special someone.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Old and Busted

So I'm one year older, and already I'm falling apart: my knees are creaking, my back is weak, and my memories of when I was a gold medal Olympic triathalete are quickly waning.

Plus I just read this article about how you're supposed to let your doctor "take his time" when performing a colonoscopy. Can't they at least give us something to look forward to? I bet some young whippersnapper will be doing my colonoscopy - probably while his wife and hooligan children are playing their blasted music on my front lawn! By golly!

At least my last day of being 26 was fun!

To start off with, for breakfast I had a couple of tasty muffins that my beautiful and bake-tastic wife fixed up. I proved that I was now in fact a man, by stuffing five muffins into my mouth at one time, while ironing my shirt at the same time. Don't worry, I used non-starch.

I tried to gaze off into the distance at work, but my friendly coworkers had brought birthday work for my "party inbox." This gave me an opportunity to show off my new "Pimp My Cubicle" kit, complete with disco ball, Bling key, and more!

For lunch I had a Subway pizza. Apparently Subway employees aren't as artistic with pizzas as they are with sandwiches. Nevertheless, Jared would be proud.

For dinner, my in-laws took me out to DiGiulio's, which you may remember from a previous post. I had the lasagna, and it was delicious! And I totally agree with Wild Wayne's Bathroom Reporte from his time spent in the can. I'm glad that we have this great reference for future generations.

I'd like to thank all of you who you did, sent, bought or threw something to / for / at me. I really appreciate it!

And to all my friends and fam with December birthdays - Angelo, Tony, B-dabby Jabby, Matt, Nicolvin, Todd - let me just say, we have some damn fine people with December birthdays. Keep up the good work!

Monday, December 11, 2006

A Night Before Birthmas

A birthday near Christmas is called a Birthmas. A Birthmas gift is a combo birthday and Christmas gift in one. If you have a birthday in December, or even one in July but have very cheap parents, then you've probably experienced a Birthmas gift.

If you have one or more loved ones with a Birthmas this year, at least give them the joy of getting something good for a change, instead of just using half birthday / half Christmas wrapping paper on their present.

As Birthmas Babies are blessed with superhuman brain waves and cranial capacity, may I suggest the Albert Einstein Action Figure?

What, your loved one doesn't believe in relativity? (It is a theory, after all.) Why not try the Ninja Attack catapult set?

For the 40 year-old son still living at home, there's the Yoda backpack. It fits right on your back, like that scene in Empire where Luke is in the swamps with Yoda... uh... you get the point.

Then again, you could create your own Despair.com Demotivators calendar for that overly peppy kid sister with grande dreams of success in the cold, cruel corporate world.

Regardless of your choice of gift, Happy Birthmas to you and yours! Except, of course, if you have a Birthmas - then you're screwed.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

A New Addition to the Family

My wife and I have taken in a new little wonder into our midst. It's beautiful! It's wonderful!

It's TiVo!

It was originally my parents' TiVo. But after spending a day or so with my wife and me (yes, this is grammatically correct), it ended up coming home with us. Thanks, Parental Units!

I'm watching the Saints beat up on the Cowboys, and I'm composing my own ESPN game review by doing my TiVo thang with the Saints' onside kick and then Brees' pass and Devry Henderson's roll into the endzone.

For my birthday, my grandad, who is so cool that we call him G-Dad, gave me an "I Can Play Piano." I am currently rocking out to my Scooby Doo game cartridge. This game, although marketed towards 4-5 year olds, is not easy. I still have a long way to go before I am the next Ben McGehee.

Also, while in Lafayette I had a Pizza Village pizza that is the Nacho Libre of pizzas. A perfect 10! So all around it was a pretty good weekend.

Okay, gotta go, more Saints highlights to get into the mix. Go Saints!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

A Night on the Town

Saturday was like a Ding Dong, but instead of a creamy filling, it was filled with fun. For true!

We started off by eating some Grande cinnamon rolls. Not the scrawny, regular kind - the 350 calorie ones. I had two, cuz I'm still putting hair on my chest. Betty likes when I shave it into a heart shape.

Then we went to a birthday party for our pal, Angelo. Angelo turned one. He loves me, and we took many a picture together. When he's 17 I'm going to show them to his prom date, and that will solidify his chances of being home by 11 pm. It's all about team work.

Speaking of birthdays, it's my birthday on Tuesday. I've been asking for a Transformer cake for like 6 months. Transformers the movie is coming out next Summer, and I want to be the first kid on the block to have a Transformers-themed party. I will transform from a mid-20's frat boy into a graying mid-life-crisisinger, but also into a tractor. I'm an Autobot, in case you were wondering. So Betty has been working on that cake for me. If she spreads icing in a Decepticon fashion then we'll see where her true loyalties lie.

We also hit up Jamie and Ben's engagement party. They're both in Med School - one or more may be interning, but that counts as Med School for me. The party was catered, and the chef is going to be opening is own Tapas restaurant in Lafayette soon. I don't know what Tapas are, but if they were what I was eating tonight then I'll be his favorite customer.

Lastly we went to La Fonda (which stands for "The Fonda"), where we saw my uncles Jim and Danny. It's Winter, so it's like 40 degrees in Louisiana. But seeing as how my Uncle Danny is from Minnesota, it felt like summer to him. So we were in 8 layers of clothing plus Long Johns, and he was in Bermuda Shorts. It just goes to show all you retailers, Bermuda Shorts are fashionable all year long.

That was all that happened to me today. Seriously, that was it. If you've had a crazy day, either leave a comment or get your own blog!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I'm a Fan of Manualism!

I have a special power: I can squeeze air through my hands to produce beautiful music, or more often than not, a fart-like sound.

I used to think that my powers of hand-farting were for humor only. But today I found out that there's a name for a person who can squeeze music through his hands: a manualist.

Think about it! If you're a CPA, you can sign your emails, "Your Name, CPA." If you're a doctor, you can sign your mortgage payments, "Dr. Your Name, Ph.D."

Now that I'm a manualist, I have now earned myself a suffix. Now I just have to think of a good acronym. I'll play a personalized solo for anyone who leaves a nice three or four-letter suffix suggestion as a comment.

Maybe I can start my own society! I can be the manualists' leader! FEAR ME, HUMANS!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I'm a Fan of Man!

People take sports way too seriously. I mean, sure, I wouldn't be thrilled about a known LSU fan cheering for any team other than LSU, but I certainly wouldn't try to maim or kill someone who did. At least not in the stadium.

And I wouldn't mind partying with some of the fans of the other SEC teams. Take this Arkansas Razorback fan - he's got an open invitation to the next Tantrum Tailgate party.

I won't even hold a grudge against you bastards who went to Lafayette High - you couldn't help which high school you went to. I'll still party with you, too. All's forgiven!

The point is, people just want the same thing in life: to live, to love, and to cheer for their favorite team, regardless of nationality, race, gender, creed or favorite blog. Let's be civil.

(This post excludes all fans of the following schools: Tulane, ULL, Georgia, Texas, Texas A&M, USC, Notre Dame, Florida, South Carolina, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, and all current and future LSU opponents.)

The Wii and Me

I think people who buy the Nintendo Wii (pronounced, "we"), should be called wiiners (pronounced, "weiners").

I'm really excited for the Wii, but I'm going to wait until it's at least 6 months old before I buy one. First, I want the price of the system and the current games to go down. Second, I don't want to change its diapers.

The whole idea of a new type of controller (called the wiimote) is cool and all, but I think Nintendo should have brought back the Power Glove. There was only one game you could play with it, and that game blew chunks. But that's not the Power Glove's fault. Hate the game, not the playa!

The current Nintendo sports games include bowling, boxing, golf, baseball. Boxing could definitely use some Power Glove action. Baseball would be enhanced with the Power Glove - just slap an infared thingy on that sucker, then you could use one glove as your actual glove, and use another for throwing action.

Plus you won't accidentally throw your wiimote and break your TV with a Power Glove.

Or I guess you could go outside and play. But, after looking at the Louisiana State Police's Sex Offender / Child Predator Database, it may be better to just buy your kid or spouse a Wii / PS3 / XBox and keep him or her safely indoors.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Oh Fudge!

Fudge is such a tasty treat around Christmas, that I think it deserves its own blog post. Here's to you, fudge! And here's to the people that make the fudge, too!

I'd also like to thank all the other people in the fudge-making process, especially the people who actually package the fudge.

Fudge packers play a vital role in the entire fudge microcosm. Without fudge packers, there would be no way to ship the tasty and delicious fudge, and thus no way for me to enjoy it. A debt of gratitude is surely owed to these fine and wonderful people.

I think a better medium for giving thanks to fudge packers is to show the documentary, "Billy's Dad is a Fudge Packer." Please enjoy.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Don't Mess with Soccer Players

Baton Rouge Chief of Police Jeff LeDuff dropped by my work today to give a presentation about Personal Safety. Chief LeDuff was a great speaker, was very entertaining, and at times gave some frightening insight into the criminal mind.

But the one thing he really helped me out with was figuring out why World Cup soccer players always fall to the ground holding their ankles, then are back in the game after the next whistle.

Seriously, stick with me on this one.

If a person were to attack you, what would you do? Chief LeDuff says one thing you could try is to kick him or her in the ankles. If you run your hand down the outside of your shin, all the way down to your ankle, while moving your foot up and down, you'll feel a couple of ligaments there. Those ligaments are connected to some of the largest nerves in your body.

When you kick someone - such as like an intruder, a mugger, or a World Cup soccer player - in the ankles, the nerves do some pretty funky stuff. For starters, the nerves in the afflicted leg go all the way up to the spinal cord, where your spinal cord tells your leg, "Ouch!" But also, those particular nerves run through both legs, and if you kick a person hard enough in the ankle, the spine doesn't know which leg has been kicked. In that instance, it tells both of your legs, "Dammit, ouch!" Then both legs go down, giving you a couple of seconds to get out of harm's way.

So ladies, protect yourself by practicing some soccer-style kicks to the ankle.

The Food Pyramid Conspiracy

Nutritionists are dumb. Let's review the facts.

The so-called "Food Pyramid" is not a pyramid at all. It's a triangle - any toddler can tell you that. But nutritionists seem to think that this two-dimensional figment of their imagination has a base and sides. WRONG. What dream world do you live in?! Do shapes, math and the physical universe have different aspects in your workplace?

Nutritionists feel as though their "curriculum" is more important than geometry, trigonometry, and dare I say it, theology. Well I have news for you, heathen nutritionist scum: I'm on to you, and not in the way that you probably want me to be on to you.

Yeah, so the updated food pyramid has vertical lines and different colors. Big deal. You might try to use these demarcated colorings as sides that you could fold if you so desired. But it still doesn't have a base, and a base is necessary for a pyramid. You can look it up if you borrow your child's gemoetry book. Also, since each color is not the same width, you'd have a pretty funky pyramid even if you could fold it up.

The updated food pyramid also now has steps along one side, apparently to indicate that exercise is necessary. So really the food pyramid of old was really just a subset of the total food pyramid - now we're supposed to eat people exercising, too. I guess you'll have to get a gym membership, or maybe you can hang out by the Baton Rouge lake like all the other hoodlums. The stairs make the pyramid look like a temple. Maybe it's a subliminal message to worship the math-aggrieved nutritionists.

Speaking of triangles, some pizza sounds good right now. Maybe the food pyramid is good for something after all!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Sports Review

Here with a new column is Bobby the Chief Sports Correspondent, with "A Day in Sports."

A Day in Sports

It was a good day for Sports. Sports officially beat out Academics, Lawn Care and Work for the activity most performed, spectated or emotionally involved in for the past week.

For starters, LSU has been given the go-ahead to gang bang Notre Dame in the Allstate Sugar Bowl. Sales of lubricant in Indiana have sky-rocketed.

Florida has been tapped for the BCS Championship game. Rex Grossman, former Gator quarterback and now the QB for the Chicago Bears, posted an incredible 1.3 QB rating on Sunday. That's, like, the worst rating that's ever been given, in all of history, even since medieval times. But Da Bears still won. Go SEC!

In other news, I just learned that the Big 10 conference has 11 teams. Apparently this has been known since 1990. So for the past 16 years, students have been going to a university that can't even count to 10 correctly. No wonder Ohio State raises two fingers when shouting "We're #1!"

In a related story, in an effort to get an in-depth review of a new sports movie, I tried to go see "We Are Marshall." But then I figured it would suck and came up with this witty one-liner: "We Aren't Marshall." So I instead decided to go see the ice-skater Sasha Cohen in "Borat." She was brilliant, by the way.

That's it for A Day in Sports. Check us out next time, when there is some interesting sports news to report.

Second City

As we're always trying to discover ways to make Baton Rouge suck less, on Saturday Betty and I went to the Shaw Center for the Arts to see a performance by The Second City.

The Second City is an improvisational comedy troupe based out of Chicago, although they have satellite troupes all over the US. Second City is also one of the main sources of comedians for Saturday Night Live. Check out the list of people that have come out of Second City - it's pretty impressive.

The performance was the "Dysfunctional Holiday Revue." One of my favorite sketches was when a guy tries to get a girl to make out with him in a car by telling her that they could die at any moment, and convinces her to seize the day. Another especially good sketch was the catchy song, "Why Does Everybody Hate the White Man?" The cast also sang a bunch of Holiday Carols about hating each holiday and wanting to be left alone.

But I think my favorite sketch was a "high school play" in which every religious, offensive or sensitive political element was either removed or fully explained. "Hark, here comes three wise men - we're not saying that there is anything wrong with three single men riding alone together in the desert, nor that men are wiser than women."

So Baton Rouge's Suck Ratio was lessened due to the Shaw Center and Second City. I think that's something we can all toast a little eggnog to.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Members Only

I am not ashamed to say it: I love my Members Only jacket.

The main reason I love it is because it keeps me warm. Yes, I know people make fun of it and me. Yes, I realize it was a fad in the 80's. And yes, I realize that it's taboo to wear something solely for comfort, but that's how I roll.

But it's quite possibly the most comfortable jacket I own. Did I mention that it keeps me warm when it's cold outside? That's really all I'm looking for in a jacket: something to keep me warm. I'm all about function over form.

It used to be acceptable for a man to dress like a bum, and just let women spend $400 on uncomfortable shoes (as seen in Sex in the City - you know you watched that episode, don't play dumb with the Tantrum!) then remove their shoes an hour later after they get "uncomfortable," and then all us men would first laugh at the stupidity of the whole thing, then cry because that money used to be in our wallets before our wives got a hold of it.

But now that Metrosexuality has come into play, the rules have changed.

That's why I'm proud to wear my Members Only jacket. Plus, nobody wants to steal it.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Anne Geddesburg Address

I am always trying to create a new product that will overtake the world and make me rich without me actually having to work for the rest of my life. Today I have found one that will conquer all, patents and copyright lawsuits pending:

The Anne Geddesburg Address line of products.

We could dress babies up in Civil War-era clothing, give them some formula bottles modified to look like muskets, then let them crawl out into a field. The ones who cry the loudest can be Yankees or Rebels, depending on who your niche market is at the moment.

Think about it! Women love the Anne Geddes collection of babies who have been dressed up in animal outfits, flower costumes, etc. And men love war and inspiring speeches, especially speeches related to war, such as the Gettysburg Address. So why not combine these two loves to become one? Children of all ages and genders would love this product, not only because it already has elements that both would enjoy, but it would also have clothing accessories (for the girls) and weapons upgrades (for the guys).

The cartoon based on this product would show children how to sew your own clothing, as well as how to track your enemies in the forest. Knowing is half the battle!

Here are some samples from our first calendar:

Example 1

Example 2

Example 3

Brassifrass

Thursday night my wife and I went to the Shaw Center, to see a Jazz Collective presented by John Gray. Doug Gay, who is a teacher at my wife's school, owns a business called the Baton Rouge School of Music, and the concert was to help raise money for this school as well as to promote music education.

I went because I was told we were going to see the Andy Pizzo Project, who rocks your socks off (unless you are not wearing socks, in which case, they rock your feet until they are perfectly pedicured). The majority of the show, however, was led by John Gray, who plays the trumpet. He was well worth the ticket price.

(The Andy Pizzo Project did make an appearance. You remember the Andy Pizzo Project - they're the band whose lead singer is a huge tromboner.)

The Michael Foster Project also made an appearance. Michael Foster, whom they call The Gov'nah, plays the tuba, and led a great rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In. Foster's latest album is called "Weapons of Brass Destruction." No Iraqi women or children were hurt during the song.

Ernest Jackson sang on a couple of songs as well. Someone said that Ernest Jackson is Randy Jackson's brother (you know who Randy Jackson is, right dog?), but I can't verify that. Either way, he was great.

But the best part of the night was when we first walked to our table, where we passed the bar. The bartender was none other than the waitress at the Cat House who spilled my field peas down her shirt. Yowsah! She even remembered the event. I guess I made an impression on her - or my field peas did. Maybe veggies can come in handy.

Other notable things that happened on Thursday:

I found a cup of milk that my wife left in my car. Apparently the milk was like a week old. We were able to pour it out onto the street, and it was perfectly curdled. It didn't even splat! It was awesome.

Avoid the fountains at the Shaw Center when it's cold and windy. We made the mistake of walking by the fountains on our way into the show, and got a face full of freezing water for all our troubles.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Mini-Mini-Horse

My sister loves mini-horses, but I think I've found something even cuter:

A dwarf mini-horse.

This mini-me of a mini-horse is only 17 inches tall. Her name is Thumbelina.

Thumbelina is the world's smallest horse, and, just for the record, could whup My Little Pony's ass. (By "ass" I mean "donkey.")

Yes, this horse is cute, and no, sis, you can't have one.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Humans, Wolves and Ogres, Oh My!

Last night I finished a book called "Soldier of Sidon," by my favorite author, Gene Wolfe. After I finished the book I started to Google it to see if anyone was talking about it. Yes, I'm a nerd like that.

Suck it, Koontz!

In my semi-exhaustive search for Soldier of Sidon material, I came across the blog of the art director for Tor/Forge books, who published Soldier of Sidon.

Now, I've had a nagging question in the back of my mind for some time, unrelated to Soldier of Sidon but very much related to one of Wolfe's other books, "The Wizard." (Not the 80's version of The Wizard, starring a kid who plays Mario Bros. with the power glove - another Wizard.)

I posed the following question to Tor's art director (and got a response!), and now I will ask you:

"Is it just me or does the giant in the background [of The Wizard] look like Gene Wolfe?"

You decide. Here is a link to the book's cover, and below I have created my own little artwork, which those at Tor/Forge books are free to use in their next collection of the most awesome fan art in the known universe.

Click for in-depth analysis of this useless but fascinating subject.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Working in the Coal Mine

I've Christmasified my blog, which means I'm officially in the Christmas spirit. We might cover some minor holidays, like birthdays, etc, but there's no official colors for birthdays so you'll just have to make do with a Wintery landscape.

I openly and honestly really love this time of the year, as opposed to being a closet Christmas-lover. It's not just because of the presents, food, trips, family, spiked eggnog.... Actually, I love this time of year because it finally gets cold enough to kill off those friggin mosquitoes.

Well okay, maybe it is the spiked eggnog.

What is eggnog? What is nog, for that matter? Regardless, it sounds delicious!

And I guess we can't leave egg nog out for Santa, first because it has eggs in it and it would curdle, and secondly because I've heard that Santa is lactose-intolerant. I may be wrong but that's the word on the street.

I wonder how Santa brings all that coal around for the bad kids. Think about it: the coal must either get every other present really dirty, or the coal has to be in its own container. And with his sleigh going in and out of the troposphere, there's a good chance that lightning could spark his coals and make children sad for all eternity by blowing Santa right out of the sky.

Since bad children get coal for Christmas, do bad elves mine the coal? Or has Santa's army overtaken the land of the trolls and forced them to dig in the mines? I bet Santa is hardcore about slave labor - he gives all those toys away for free, and kids these days want some expensive toys.

Does Rudolph's nose give off radiation? Does it poison the other reindeer? Does it make Rudolph see only red? I bet Rudolph is pretty popular with the ladies.

We'll have to explore these topics later on this month, because Monday Night Football is on right now.

Aaiieee 7

I was uninstalling some stuff from my computer at work, and noticed this little gem in the "Add / Remove Programs" box:

Windows Internet Explorer's file size is listed as 2.7 MB - click for picture

(You may need to click the picture in order to see the entire image.)

Okay, let's be realistic here: it takes 30 minutes to install IE7 once you download it from the Windows Update site, it's supposedly more secure and has more features - all this and only 2.7 MB? That's like 10 MB smaller than IE6!

FileForum and FreeWR, two out of the many web sites where IE7 was available for download, shows the installation file as 14.8 MB. Something is amiss.

While searching for some info about IE7's actual installed file size, I came across something that made me laugh out loud, or LOL in technical terms:

pic of Google search for IE7 brings up ie7.com, a site for FireFox

Talk about great marketing skillz!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Saints are Martian

Why does everyone keep saying that the Saints are Martian? Do they know something that I don't know?

Not to be racist or speciesist or whatever it would be called if I hated Martians, but my experiences with Martians are limited and I really don't know if I want to cheer for Martians. (No offense to Hillary Clinton.)

One reason why I don't like Martians is that we know so little of them, but they seem to know everything about us. Take this article by a Martian Anthropologist who wants to impeach Bush. I think world leaders should stick to political issues on their own planets.

And it makes perfect sense to me that Martians would infiltrate the NFL in order to spy on Earth. The NFL is a multi-billion dollar industry, owns most of the world's greatest athletes, and occasionally shows the pierced and disfigured genitalia of has-been superstars / sisters of pedophiles. It's everything the Martians want and more.

The Saints also make a great team for aliens to infiltrate, since there is a lot of confusion seeing as how the Saints have a new coach, a new quarterback, are still recovering from Hurricane Katrina and, well, let's face it - if you've ever been to Bourbon Street in New Orleans, you've seen more than one alien flashing for beads.

I guess we can just be on the lookout for Martians in our midst. And since we can't beat them, I'll join'm: The Saints Are Martian!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

How To Do Your Own Bathroom Report

I have been asked several times about the Tanory Tantrum's criteria and standards when writing a bathroom report, by people interested in examining bathrooms for fun.

I'm sorry to say that I am contractually obligated to not disclose this type of "intellectual information." You'll have to figure out how to rate bathrooms by yourself. Tough crap - no pun intended.

However, I will point you to a great article that I found on Craig's List while surfing the web for pictures of toilet paper in order to make fun of my friend Chuck Bowie, who I allege clogged the bath tub of the Sandman in Destin, FL, on Spring Break '01 with toilet paper.

You can find this great article, written by S. F. Bayarea, here:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/51512899.html

The article mentioned above was written in 2004. That just goes to show you, great writing and wonderful advice never go out of style.

Friday, November 24, 2006

You Suck, Dick!

The Friday after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday. In years past it was named Black Friday because stores across the nation would have an all-out retail war to draw in the most Christmas shoppers.

This year, it was Black Friday for the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Casey Dick and Whats-his-face McFaggen of the Arkansas Razorbacks got their asses handed to them by LSU's Fighting Tigers on Friday. The Razorbacks are still going to play for the SEC championship, but LSU now gets to sleep with all the Razorback cheerleaders. Such is life.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching Arkansas' quarterback, Casey Dick, get smacked around in the game. Dick really got spanked. On one play, LSU jammed Dick right into the ground and just kept beating him. Needless to say, Dick is going to be sore tomorrow.

I also enjoyed watching Les Miles give Houston Nutt the shocker at the end of the game. You might have missed it - it happened so fast - but Miles really busted Nutt after the game.

LSU may now go to a bowl game. I hope they play someplace fun, like California, Florida or Wewoka, Oklahoma, because we need to start trying restaurants in different parts of the country since I think the Tanory Tantrum Food Club has exhausted all of Baton Rouge's culinary gems.

Monking Around

I can't help but to point out to you - especially those faithful readers in med school - the recent article about a monk, a machete, and his manliness.

Well, let's just say, any article that has this in it is worth reading:

(Insert doctor's name here) "declined to comment on the monk's erection."

Oh, and maybe this:

"The 35-year-old monk, whose name was withheld for privacy reasons, allowed medical staff at Maharaj hospital, 780 km (480 miles) south of Bangkok to dress his wound, but refused reattachment."

Is it just me, or is the fact that this journalist chose to reference Bangkok seem all the more appropriate?

For the full story, click here.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Today I am Thankful for Zippers

Thanksgiving is the only day that it's acceptable to unzip your pants in front of your family. For that alone, Thanksgiving is in my top 5 holidays.

My favorite holiday is Halloween, of course. There are only two days a year when it's acceptable to dress up as a cow and hide your udders under a shirt, then flash passerbys on the street: Mardi Gras and Halloween. But whereas you may get harrassed by the N.O.P.D. during Mardi Gras, nobody bugs you on Halloween, except for kids looking for candy, of course.

Christmas is also in my top 5. I love presents, and I love to give presents - especially when I can get a present for my wife that we can both use. And by "we" I mean "me." Unless "we" means "wii." Is that a subtle enough hint for you, wifey? }:E

My birthday is also a good day. Good? I mean GREAT. Planets align, clouds dissipate, and small puppies find good homes. I do what I can.

I've already mentioned Mardi Gras. That's a great holiday. It also happens to be my wife's lunar birthday, so I have to mention it as one of the greatest holidays or I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Last but not least, Thanksgiving. There's nothing like having all of your family around you, eating a delicious meal, dining and chatting. Especially once you unzip your pants.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Kelly Ripa / Gay Aiken Scandal

Today I found out that Kelly Ripa apparently offended some people in the gay community when she told Clay Aiken, who was co-hosting "Live with Regis and Kelly," that she didn't "know where that hand's been" when Clay put his hand over Kelly's mouth to get her to shut up during an interview segment.

Rosie O'Donnell apparently accused Ripa of making a gay-bashing remark, and that she was offended. She also went on to say that Kelly wouldn't have said the same thing if a handsome, non-gay person put his hand over Kelly's mouth, shoulder or mammarial region.

I'm only weighing in on this because, as you may or may not know, we took a trip to NYC over the summer and went to "Live with Regis and Kelly," only Regis wasn't there - Carson Kressley, the gayest of the gay team "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," was the co-host.

And Kelly was great.

Carson was great, too.

There were no issues. There was no gay bashing from Kelly. Carson tried to tie a lot of stuff into being gay, but he was great about it. He was entertaining, interacted very well with the audience, and was really a lot better than what we expected.

So I don't think Kelly is a gay basher. I think Rosie O'Donnell just needs to tie her mullet back and calm the fudge down.

Okay, something else:

Why does everyone need Clay Aiken to come out of the closet and admit that he's gay? Can't you just look at him and tell?

I went through this with my family with Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneres. I have no issues with either one of them - they're both funny and entertaining (well, Rosie used to be, before she grew a mullet). But until they publicly admitted it, none of the women in my family would believe me.

Now don't get me wrong - I don't claim to have gaydar. I'm just saying, you don't always need a signed confession to observe gayness. I personally don't care that Clay is gay - I wouldn't see him in concert even if he was straight, which, for the record, he's not.

Turkey Cake

My wife made a Turkey Cake. Here it is in all its glory. BOW DOWN TO MY WIFE'S CAKE!

click for turkey cake pic

She used a wishbone instead of toothpicks to keep the cake together.

I tried to sabotage the cake so she wouldn't be able to show it in public, hence I would get to eat it all myself. But the part that I sabotaged was already in the plans to be lopped off from the rest, much like the turkey's head is separated from its body. But without the gushing blood.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving dinner. Afterwards I get Turkey Cake.

I call the gizzard.

Tenacious D in: the Pick of Destiny

We just saw Tenacious D in: the Pick of Destiny. It was, my friends, everything I thought it could be and more.

First off, if you don't know who Tenacious D is, the movie is the perfect thing for you: it explains their history and gives you ample awesomeness to take with you later.

If you do know who Tenacious D is, then you may be interested in listening to the movie's soundtrack online and for free, with no RIAA ass-rapage. (This includes if you are a 12 year-old girl - we know how the RIAA likes to drink the blood of children and push old people into the street.) Thanks to MTV's The Leak for hosting the soundtrack, and for not generally sucking like the rest of MTV.

A lot of the movie was based on, but not the same as, their HBO series. What, didn't know the D had an HBO series? Have no fear, you can watch them all when you buy or rent Tenacious D: The Complete Masterworks.

It is a very wholesome movie and is entirely suitable for children. But since it's rated R, you may have to buy tickets to see Happy Feet and then sneak into Tenacious D.

Rock on, my friends. Rock on.

Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Turkey Day!

It's a White House custom for the president to spare the turkey's life. But not in my house. In fact, our tradition is that we throw the youngest Tanory into a pen with a wild turkey, strap a pointed stick to the turkey's beak and wrap electric wire over the pen's metallic surface. It's like a death match, only we get to eat the turkey after it is mutilated.

If the turkey loses, that is. But that's another story for a different post.

For those of you actively involved with PETA, please let me say that we only use a turkey that has had no lasting effect on society, has not held down a steady job for years, and has not been able to mate with any hens or whatever fashionable name female turkeys are calling themselves this year, even after we soak the hen's food in GHB.

It has been said that Ben Franklin wanted our nation's bird to be the turkey. But I think what Ben Franklin really wanted was for our nation's drink of choice to be Wild Turkey. That's why I take a shot of it before all the family comes over - because that's what our nation's baby daddies would have wanted.

In honor of my family and to thank my parents for all of their hard work raising me (and the much harder work of raising my siblings - I was a perfect angel), I'm taking them to see Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny. Spending time with family is my top priority.

So Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Michael Richards Goes to Hollywood

Michael Richards, the guy who played Cosmo Kramer on Seinfeld, got heckled at a night club and went on a berserk, dash-ridden tirade against the African-Americans hecklers.

The hecklers heckled like so: "You are not funny!"

They may or may not have heckled the following lines: "You suck!"

Richards then responded: "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f------ fork up your a--."

Then Richards said: "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now mother------. Throw his a-- out. He's a n-----!" Richards shouts before repeating the racial epithet over and over again.

The dashes in the quote above can be verbally spoken by making clicking noises with your tongue.

He said a lot more. You can view the video here (thanks, TMZ.com!):



http://www.youtube.com/v/XCbrEbEyheM

Jerry Seinfeld issued a statement saying he was "just sick" over everything. It is important to note that it is flu season.

The series "Seinfeld" was never popular with the African-American community. It will probably be less popular now.

David Duke will be playing Michael Richards in the made-for-tv-movie, "Heckled: The Michael Richards Story."

High and Mighty

Why do babies and infants get to have all the fun?

For example, why are there no high chairs for adults? I'm short, I could probably fit in one. Then I wouldn't spill on my pants.

My friend John once told me, when your kid wants something, he wants it right then and there. The kid will say, "Daddy, I want some juice." Then you'll say, "Okay, son, just give me a second." Then the kid will say, "Ok." Two seconds later, "DADDY I WANT SOME JUUUIIIICE!!!"

This seems to get the desired result.

So now I'm going to try it: I WANT A HIGH CHAIR!

If the high chair's table tray could unfold into a laptop, that would really be great. Gotta learn'm young!

I also demand other things as well. First and foremost, I want underoos for men. There is no logical reason why my underwear cannot have Superman, SpongeBob or Transformers on them, and to be honest, I'm getting tired of re-drawing these cartoons on my undies after every wash.

Secondly, I want someone to puree my food for me, so I can drink pizza through a straw. I'm tired of chewing. Plus I don't want to chance choking. I have TMJ, so I think this is reasonable.

Last, I want someone to push me around in a stroller. I'm not talking about a wheelchair or anything like that - I want a stroller. I want to be able to kick my feet up, get a bottle of IBC root beer, and rock out in my jammies. I have experience modifying shopping carts - that would work just as well.

Ah, the good life.

I realize that someone else will have to push me around in my stroller, put me in my high chair and puree my food for me. But I'm willing to reciprocate - you push me around and feed me, and then I'll share my toys with you. It's a symbiosis.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

When Showers Attack

It's common knowledge that "showering," "bathing," and "using soap" are good for your hygiene. But sometimes, showers attack.

Consider the following scenario:

A man is showering. He is using soap. Water is involved somewhat. Suddenly, in a moment of insanity, the man soaps up the bottom of his feet.

Now I know what you're saying: No real man soaps up his feet; we just let the soap run off our body and hope it cleanses between our toes. That is, if we even decide to use soap. That's what men do, and we like it that way.

When the foot in question is placed back on the tub's surface, there may or may not be a no-slip bath mat. If not, the man might slip. And fall. And break one or more ribs.

This actually happened in Houston over the weekend. A male member of my family, who was not myself or my brother, nor nephew, uncle, second-cousin or any in-law, fell in the shower while soaping up his feet.

I partly blame it on the uber-gravity in Houston. With so many people in such a small place, plus the fact that Houston sucks extra hard to begin with, it was only a matter of time.

The moral of the story? Shower at your own risk.

As a non-conformist, I take a different approach to cleanliness. Once every day or so I just dive into a vat of Purell gel, then dry myself off with Purell wipes. Sure, it sounds expensive, but I figure that the Purell should kill any germs that touch it, so you really only have to change the Purell gel every month or so. It kills 99% of germs, plus makes bathing fun.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Houston, We Have a Problem

Thank God I'm out of the car!

Houston was very congested today. It took us 30 minutes to move the 5 miles from our position on I-10 to our exit on Eldredge. Maybe it was because people were swarming to meet the head blogger of one of the most famous blogs in the history of blogs.

Or maybe it was because it was 7 pm on Friday night.

Or maybe it was because I was driving 10 mph down the interstate.

And even though there was construction down 200 miles of I-10 in Texas, traffic still moved better than in Baton Rouge, where we have a whopping 1.5 miles of construction. In Baton Rouge it would have taken me 30 minutes to move 2.5 miles.

That doesn't mean that Texas is better. It also doesn't mean that Houston is better. It just means that Houstonians are better drivers than Baton Rougeans. Although I hear there are a lot of LSU people in Houston.

We saw several accidents, one of which stalled traffic for at least 10 minutes. In a moment like this, I think most people go through certain stages: first you just hope that everyone is okay and you withhold your anger, but after you find out it was caused by a woman putting on makeup in the car while talking on the phone, you suddenly are very happy that Texas executes more people than any other state.

In a nutshell, I'm happy to be out of the car. Now if I can just find out how to get to my brother's or sister's places, we'll be in good shape.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

I-10-erary

This weekend I am traveling to Houston to visit my traitorous siblings. I will be packing up some of my sister's things for the journey, as she just got a new job over there. Some of her possessions may or may not be left at a gas station somewhere in Beaumont.

I've created an itinerary for my trip. Since we'll be on I-10 the entire way, I call it my "I-10-erary." Haha.

Lame. Just like Houston.

Here is my I-10-erary, in all it's glory:

  1. Drive to parents' house.

  2. Pack up sister's crap.

  3. Drive towards Houston.

  4. Stop at a gas station in Beaumont, throw sister's stuff into a trash can, fuel car, soak trash can in gasoline, grab a diet coke, pay cashier, light trash can on fire

  5. Finish driving to Houston.

  6. Unload what's left of sister's crap.

  7. Make excuses for the missing items.


You may have won the battle, Houston, but I'll protest until the war ends and YOU LOSE.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

No More Reading

I'm done with reading.

I've been actively reading since I was in the 7th grade (when I learned how - thanks, public school!). I try to read at least one book a week. Sometimes I read books just to pass the time, and I can probably finish two or three a week. Sometimes I read in-depth or difficult books, and I can maybe get through a tough one in a month or so.

But no longer.

The world doesn't place value on the written word anymore. Everything has a graphical user interface or is voiced-over by a celebrity.

In fact, my friends in med school claim to not have any time to read because they're studying or carving out spleens and such. To them I say, good job - do something more worthwhile than read. Reading is so last year.

Maybe it's time for me to stop writing the blog as well. Don't worry, I'll still post stuff, but the posts will just consist of pictures. Here is an example of me telling you about my day, with only pictures. (If you're on the email list, this might be a good time for you to actually go to the blog, aka, http://tanoryland.blogspot.com.)

My Day in Pictures, by Bob the non-reader



get out of bed

nature calls

eating some grub

drive to work, la la la

work work work

eat lunch

fall asleep at one or more meetings

combine computer work with coffee

send emails and instant messages to my coworkers, who happen to be sitting right by me

time to leave

watch tv and zone out on the couch

used to read, will replace this activity with something else from now on, like staring at the wall

extracurricular activities

write the worst blog post ever

go to sleep

The End

Hmm... okay, maybe I'll still write the blog, but I'm not reading it!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A Soup Called Stew

I found this great Tenacious D-like band online last night:

A Soup Named Stew

Check out their website, at http://www.asoupnamedstew.com/. It's done in MS Paint, so you know it's good.

They have a lot of free music downloads on their NOISE link. You can hear their rendition of the Reading Rainbow song, or their hit song, Penguins, or Monkeys, or even The Lawn Chair Song. Classic. Check'm out!

Apparently this band won LSU's Battle of the Bands in '05. I would have known that sooner, were it not for the fact that I am such an old, pathetic loser now.

Rock on! But not too hard - I don't want to break a hip.

Fry Me a River

Some people think that only eating one type of food from the food pyramid is bad for you. But look at the Atkins diet: it seems to work.

And as the world will always be full of fat people looking for a way to lose weight without actually excersing or eating sensibly (like me!), I want in on the next diet craze.

Here is my idea: Eat only fried food.

Now I know what you're going to say: Bob, you can't only eat fried food. Well, you may have not been able to before my diet was published, but now you can, with this delicious and sensible medley of various fried slices of heaven.

The Tanory Tantrum's Double-Fried Diet

  • Fried PB & J sandwiches: cut into fourths for extra surface area fryage.

  • Double-fried chicken: fry it once, fry it twice, makes the chicken extra nice.

  • Fried game-day jambalaya: mash it up into a ball, maybe using white beans or just lard as a congealing agent, then fry that whole sucker to oblivion.

  • Fried pizza: bake first, fry later. Cut it into slices and you've got yourself a healthy and delicious snack.

  • Fried bananas: even fruit needs to be scalded in boiling oil sometimes.

  • Fried smoothies: you can fry anything if it's pureed. Add yogurt, fresh fruit, or a shot of your choice of immune booster.

  • Fried grilled cheese: make sure to use extra butter on top of the bread before you grill.

  • Friend mac & cheese: for kids!

  • Fried popcorn: this might already exist, who knows. But if not, fried flavored popcorn will work, too.

  • Fried baked chicken: Enjoy a healthy baked chicken, deep fried to perfection.

  • Fried cake: makes a great dessert even better. You can put the icing on before or after - the fried diet is flexible.

  • Fried salad: 'cause that's the only way I'm eating it.


  • And finally...

  • Fried smores: you can fry them whole, or fry each individual piece (graham cracker, marshmallow, chocolate), then put them together and fry them as a whole again, for extra fried goodness.


I hope you enjoy my diet. I know I will!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Shocking Experiences

The shrieks of unsuspecting people touching metal and getting shocked... the shuffling of socked feet across Berber carpet... the undead zombie mosquitoes lurking in the shadows, slowly being devoured by the cold, but not before feeling the wrath of my electric bug-zapping tennis racquet.

Winter.

Gotta love it.

When I was a kid, I would wear these fluffy pajama pants to bed and quickly move my legs while under the covers. Seriously, it was like I was running while laying on my side, sort of like a horizontal sprint. I could run the 440 in like 3 seconds flat like that.

This would create random static charges and would cause sparks and crackles. It was fun to watch. For one week during the year, it was cold enough for my body to produce external electricity. I was a superhero, who could shoot electric sparks from my PJs. Only years later did I realize that it was not okay to tell people about the explosions that I created while alone, in my bedroom, under the covers... okay that's not what I meant, sicko!

I guess I stopped this juvenile activity around the "flammable pajama" scare of the late 80's. And by "this juvenile activity," I mean, of course, wearing pants.

But something happened to me during those innocnet years. It was like, after gaining the insight of how to create electricity single-handedly and single-pajama'dly, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I was like a caveman who had just discovered how to make fire, and wrote the instructions down on a wall, then clubbed a girl and drug her by her hair to my underground lair.

The sparks were integrated into my body. My nerves were like, well, a series of tubes that were full of electric signals, blowing past every synapse, dendrite and axon until my brain was aglow with enlightenment.

This is the culmination of my life.

I have solved our energy crisis: give a bunch of people flammable PJs, stick them under a comforter, supe them up with high-fructose corn syrup then let those puppies go.

I have solved our obesity problem: give a bunch of people flammable PJs, stick them under a comforter, supe them up with high-fructose corn syrup then let those puppies go.

I have solved our unemployment problem: give a bunch of people flammable PJs, stick them under a comforter, supe them up with high-fructose corn syrup then let those puppies go.

I try to never stop learning. I am always fascinated at what I learn each day. And what I've learned today is, we can still learn from our past. Thank you, flammable PJs - thank you for saving the world.

Sharks with Friggin Laser Beams!

I'm proud to announce the new product in my line of "Sharks with Laser Beams," the "Sharks with LASERS Beams mug."

http://www.zazzle.com/product/168209474924142070


I submitted this as a design for our new work logo, but was beaten by a "professional-looking" logo. Psh. Like sharks with laser beams aren't professional.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Skeeters

Winter only lasts for about two weeks in Louisiana. During this festivus time, people are actually able to go outside and not get eaten alive by mosquitoes.

At least, we used to be able to go outside. Things have taken a turn for the worse.

We had two things going for us during our former Winter escape from the skeeters:

  1. It was cold, so the mosquitoes wouldn't come out as often; and


  2. We wear heavy jackets, hats and Long Johns when the weather drops below 60. These extra clothes are protection from the rest of the skeeters out and about, seeking our delicious hemoglobin.


But now a new mutant strain of mosquitoes has hit Louisiana, and no one is safe anymore.

Consider this:

My wife and I went to a wedding on Saturday. It was an outside wedding - yes, in November - but it was beautiful. And it was cold. So everyone had on extra protection, and the time was right for the skeets to be dead or hibernating, or whatever the hell mosquitoes do when they're not infecting everyone with West Nile.

Yet we all managed to get eaten alive.

Also, on Halloween, as I ran around scaring children and parents alike, the mosquitoes managed to bite me through my cape, mask and stretchy pants.

Is there a new strain of mosquito out there? Are we doomed to move to the North to escape from these mutant, winged mini-vampires? Or should we just do the sensible thing and DDT the place to high heaven?

Thankfully, I'm armed with an electric bug-zapping tennis racquet. Not only can I now kill all sorts of bugs, but I can practice my backhand as well. This is a win-win situation, for all but the bugs. I admit, the tennis raquet was unwieldy at the wedding, but it did the trick.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Gearing up for Turkey Day

I'm so excited for Thanksgiving! I've even Thanksgiving-ized the blog!

I can't wait for the Great Turkey to come down the chimney and bring all us kids presents! I also love the Thanksgiving Carols. Thanksgiving is truly a festivus miracle.

I'm especially excited for the Tanory Tantrum's Thanksgiving Eat-A-Thon. There are people starving in China and Ethiopia, and we're going to spite them by gorging ourselves on as much food as possible. Go team!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Dem Some!

The Democrats have only been in power for one day and here is the resulting national chaos:



Democrats are also affecting world politics, as seen here:



And of course, the Democrats have affected the rest of the universe:




And you thought the war in Iraq, the Foley scandal, and the NSA spying on you were bad enough!