Who should win this season's American Idol title? Will it be Katherine "Tits" McPhee or Taylor Hicks? Am I a member of the Soul Patrol or will my vote be swayed by McPhee's large globular breasts? These are the burning questions that America faces. And on May 24th, 2006, a new American Idol will be named so he or she can immediately start creating horrendous albums.
The truth is, it doesn't matter who wins American Idol. Both contestants, as well as several of this season's losers, are going to get recording contracts. This show exposes talent, which creates opportunities - winning doesn't have anything to do with it. Even William Hung got a record deal, for crying out loud!
But let's review the show's history, just for the eff of it. Kelly Clarkson has a lot of hit singles and is continuously talking about her big butt. Carrie Underwear had that Jesus song, and then she had the Heaven song, and now she has announced that her latest album's title will be called, "I'm a Better Christian Than You." I know it will be a smashing success.
Ruben Studdard had "Sorry 2004," which made us all sorry we voted for him. Fantasia came out with an album that only featured her key phrase, "Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah!" in two songs. You go guh-fren!
But the real winners have been the losers. Clay Aiken went on to have a Christmas Album. Christmas Albums are the pinnacle of a musician's career. Who doesn't have a Christmas Album, except for those not good enough to play during festivus miracles?
Justin Guarini settled into obscurity, but not before porking Paula Abdul and starring in the commerically successful movies, "From Justin to Kelly," and "Stop Calling Me Gayrini Already!"
Bo Bice played at The Varsity in Baton Rouge for $2. I wanted to go, but the high ticket price kept me away.
In conclusion, I'm demonstrating my love of Democracy and Freedom by submitting a write-in vote. I won't tell you who I voted for, but I will say that if you hear me practicing the theme from Winn-Dixie (the store, not the movie), then my loyal and incredibly intelligent fans have helped polevault me into the Winner's Circle.
Hacker, Hack Thyself
2 months ago