Friday, May 19, 2006

Bling, Crunk, and our Founding Fathers

Contrary to popular belief, "Bling" is not a new concept. Although "Bling" and its plural, "Bling Bling," are entering more people's vocabularies, the idea of Bling has been around for centuries. Bling, which denotes any shiny object that catches the eye, is part of our cultural identity.

Kings and Emperors were one of the first proponents of Bling. Any respectable king had at least one hoard of gold and jewels. From King Solomon to Stephen King, the kings of history have blinged it out better than almost anybody.

Animals are also attracted to bling, which may be a trait that has passed from animals to mankind. In one of the greatest historic novels of all-time, "The Hobbit" by Tolkien, Smaug the dragon sits upon a pile of gold and jewels and smokes crack with the wood-elves.

Bling can be applied in any form or fashion. Bling can even be moulded for purposes of attaching to teeth, and the finished product is called a "Grill." George Washington was a pioneer in the Grill frontier. His wooden teeth had a hidden latch under his upper left molar which held a diamond nose ring, which he only wore when attending ballroom raves at the Delaware River Dance Hall, his favorite rap club.

Lil John is a current day George Washington, leading the revolution in Bling fashion and marketing. His energy drink, Crunk, is supposedly made from 90% recycled bling. "Crunk" is also a favorite new term, but the idea of Crunk has been around for decades. "Crunk" is a combination of "Crazy" and "Drunk," and because "Drazy," "Drunzy," and "F*** Up" were already taken, "Crunk" was used. The term "Crunk" was first used during Prohibition by Elmer Phelps, a local lush who's famous last words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

So before you go shouting at the neighborhood from the porch in your underpants and boots, remember your history, and held keep up this patriotic tradition.

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