I really want a dog, but my wife won't let me get one until we build a fence. I'm too cheap to pay someone to build a fence for me, and I'm too lazy and/or incompetent to do it myself. You would think that those reasons would deter me from having a dog in the first place, but I am like a 4 year old stuck in a man's body - I want what I want, and I want it NOW!!!
So I've devised a fail-proof plan. Instead of building a 'fence' per se, my plan is to allow a natural barrier to grow between my yard and my neighbors' by only mowing the interior of my lawn, leaving a 3 foot stretch of grass and weeds to grow between yards. In time it will become an impenetrable forest that no dog could escape.
My neighbor's St. Augustine is starting to invade my Bermuda grass, and since St. Augustine grows about 4x the rate of Bermuda, I should have a firm barrier up within the next two months. I've deduced this by keeping detailed notes on how large my neighbor's grass grows before he finally decides to walk around sweaty and topless behind the lawn mower.
My only hope is that my neighbor doesn't decide to do me any favors or get irritated enough and mow this stretch of land for me. I have rejected the idea of hiding shrapnel in tufts of clovers as a deterrent - I don't want the dog to get hurt by sniffing around and finding something like that.
Hopefully in two months' time I'll have some updates on my amazing and talented dog. I'm thinking of either getting a weiner dog and naming it 'Zabada' (which means 'weiner' in Arabic) or 'Trogdor the Burninator.'
If my yard plan fails (and how could it???) I'll just get a hamster and name it Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago