Friday, May 26, 2006

Expounding on the Mysteries of Life

Games like Sudoku and books and movies like The Da Vinci Code have sparked an international interest in figuring out puzzles. But many of the most common puzzles, riddles and jokes are right in front of our faces every day and we fail to recognize them. So in an effort to help you better understand the world around you, here are some items that I have discovered that may have passed right over your head, but never will again!

Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" did not originally feature Da Vinci's works, and the entire book had to be rewritten after failing to sell. You can find traces of this in the book as well as the movie. The book originally featured works by Michaelangelo, but the publishers rejected the original manuscript because some of the text that the old grandfather writes on the Mona Lisa (in the book/movie) in one of the first scenes was originally written on Michaelangelo's sculpture of David's bare ass. This is why, in the scene in the movie where the albino is trying to scratch an itch on his back with a bull whip, he says, "It's along the Rose Line. And 'Priori' is along the crack. Zoot alore!" The book was originally entitled, "Michaelangelo and Me: A story of a very naughty painter and how he changed my life." Also, the albino's eyes were blue in the movie. Someone should tell Ron Howard that albinos have red eyes.

Speaking of eyes of a different color, the song "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison is about taking a girl on a trip up the Hershey Highway. Come on, like you didn't know. That just goes to show you how good of a musician Van Morrison is - the ol' Brown Eye makes an appearance, and it flies under the radar. Not only is this true, but you'll laugh the next time this song comes on and all the ladies start dancing and hollering.

What's that? Did someone say "Dancing?" Contrary to popular belief, Michael Jackson's "Moonwalk" is not how people really walked on the moon. The astronauts who walked on the moon looked like they were jumping on a trampoline and had to wear Thighmasters to keep their legs apart, and this is because they were. They never went to the moon. They actually went to Venus. That's where all the hot women are... if you were an astronaut, wouldn't you go where the hotties are, too? The astronauts were doing a very complicated mating ritual involving jumping as far as they could and playing golf with no handicap, and because your muscles atrophy in space, Suzanne Somers sponsored NASA - on the condition that she got first crack at the boys when they returned.

I hope I have shed some light on these mysteries, and have helped you decode some of the conspiracy theories of our day. You can now start applying your newfound knowledge in quiz bowls, old folks homes and Trivia Pursuit games against your family.

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