Identity theft is a raging problem in this country. It turns out that the damn Russians are to blame, as anyone who lived through the Cold War already suspected. Americans are just too lazy to go through the trouble of stealing someone else's identity. In fact, Americans are either so nice and friendly or so dumb that, even if we wanted to steal someone's identity, we probably couldn't. Here are my documented efforts at identity theft.
As you can see, I contacted the real Gary Coleman and made him believe that I was someone else. I really had him going! But as an American, I had to fess up, because I'm afraid of FPMITAP. But I probably could have used Optimus Prime's credit rating to score some origami boulders online. Booyah!
Here are a few good tips to avoid having your identity stolen. First, you should always assume that whoever is talking to you is a liar. You can tell if someone is lying by clubbing them in the neck, wrestling them to the ground and yelling, "Are you lying you dirty scumbag?!" If they say no then you should probably listen to what they have to say, then let them up. Don't be socially engineered to give any information away.
Second, you should always avoid paying for anything via cash, credit card, debit card, check or money order, especially online or in person. If you aren't carrying money or anything with an account number, it can't get stolen. The only way you should buy stuff is to barter. People who barter are usually more sociable, better speakers, and have a lot of stuff that they can't sell anywhere else, so you can get it for cheap.
Finally, you should avoid having an identity that is worth being stolen. Just hang low, especially in low-lighted areas, and hang out with other undesirables such as yourself. When the next Russian Ballet conference comes to town, their bots will look at your profile and say, "Этот человек - глыба вонючих внутренностей!"
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago