Today is the first day of Hurricane Season, and as my building's Fire Captain I feel that it is my duty to inform you and my fellow coworkers about how to be safe during a Hurricanal Emergency.
Please follow these steps in the order that they are written.
1. Stock up on food, water, toilet paper and personal lubricant well in advance of a disaster. When all of the power goes out, most of us just sit around, bored out of our skulls. When bored, we usually eat, sleep or make love to one another - make sure you are one of the first to stock up on everything you will need during this strenuous time.
2. If you live in a large, bowl-shaped region that will probably be hit by a hurricane and/or flooded, please evacuate prior to all exits being destroyed by water. If you cannot evacuate, buy or steal an axe. This will help you chop through your attic as well as stave off the looters that will eventually threaten your neighborhood.
3. However tempting it is to only take the essentials with you, some of your "least valuable" will make great bartering items when money becomes worthless and the looting begins. White sneakers are a great bartering item. Pack a plasma TV or two if you have room.
4. Back up all of your data. Someone is probably going to loot your domicile, and it will take longer to redownload all of those stolen MP3s than it will to back them up.
5. Charge your cell phone. You will not be able to talk to anyone on it, but you will probably be able to send text messages to each other. This is by design: most of us do not have a texting plan on our phones, so the phone companies rack up during times of emergencies. You can also text-vote for your favorite American Idol contestant, or play Tetris until your phone runs out of juice.
In conclusion, I hope you are all safe, happy and healthy during this Hurricane Season. And remember, if you are in New Orleans during a Category 5 Hurricane, your best chances of survival is to find the highest ground, which just happens to be the French Quarter. I hear the Hustler Club has the highest altitude.
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago