Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Proper Way to Revolt Against Etiquette

Etiquette is the greatest marketing scam of all time. For instance, there is no reason to have that extra fork to eat your salad; in fact, there is no reason to eat salad at all, unless it has croutons in it. Then you can ignore all that green stuff and just enjoy your carbs. The "salad fork" is a right-wing conspiracy to get you to buy more silverware. It's all about economics.

So what else in our daily lives is driven by the capitalist dogma of etiquette?

Well, to understand etiquette you first you have to buy the book, Emily Post's Etiquette. The link to her book goes to the 16th edition, which right there should tell you all you need to know about etiquette. In this book, Post says that "manner is personality - the outward manifestation of one’s innate character and attitude toward life." So basically what that's saying is, if you eat your salad with the same fork that you eat all of your other food with, then you are a dirty, pestilent pig of a person who deserves nothing less than death. See how important it is to learn etiquette?

Actually, I've been known to use a plastic spoon to eat steak while at work. Take that, Post!

Other etiquette describes the way we should show respect for each other, like not scratching your butt before shaking hands with someone, and not listening to techno music while break-dancing on cardboard out on the corner if it is past 4 PM. These are important characteristics of a well-mannered human being.

You should also know that etiquette is entirely dependent on culture, since different people do things differently. You are considered rude if you do something differently within your own borders, but the rules change once a passport comes into play. So if you are a white male and you get a mail-order bride from Romania, you'll have to get used to her home country's etiquette of calling you an insipid, stupid donkey... wait that's just like American women. Hmm....

Women's fashion is also bound by etiquette. No open-toed shoes in the Winter? No white after Labor Day? Says who?! The only reasonable explanation for this is that the third quarter for closed-toe shoe retailers is greater than the third quarter sales of nail polish. And I can't explain the no white after labor day. Most men don't understand women on a normal day, much less in the Winter.

I'm not trying to be cynical. I just love white open-toed shoes.

In conclusion, as long as etiquette allows me to eat pizza with my bare hands then I'll stall the revolution. But revolt we will! Unless our coffee doesn't show up soon, and we get drowsy and go to sleep.

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