I hate to admit it, but I'm totally useless. I'm unable to do simple, basic tasks around the house, such as installing shelves, painting walls and cutting wood so it is even.
But my uselessness is about to run out! Soon I will be enrolling in Lowe's University, where I will be taking free classes at Lowe's Hardware Store to show me how to do basic stuff that every man should know, such as how big my gut and man-boobs must be before I can take off my shirt when mowing the lawn.
Most men learn these types of trades from their fathers, as their fathers learned them from their fathers, etc, going back several billion years to the beginning of mankind, when the First Father realized that he could get his son to do all the crap around the house for free of charge and write it off to building character. But the love of hiring other people to do manual labor has been in my gene pool for several generations, and I now have no choice but to try and break that mould.
I'm not trying to blame my father, even though that is the accepted practice in our "personal irresponsible" society. This problem got out of control because, as a kid, I had an incredible knack for arguing, debating and negotiating, and my allowance for taking out the trash and walking the dog was putting my parents in a tough situation, especially after my siblings and I unionized. On the one hand, my parents wanted me to learn how to fend for myself when I became an adult, and on the other hand, they acknowledged my superior oratory skillz and encouraged me to spend my time studying to become a lawyer instead of doing my chores.
But there's hope! Because there are free classes at Lowe's to show us stupidheads how to do stuff, there must be more of my kind out there. Hmm... maybe that's not very hopeful. Maybe that's frightening! I don't know, I haven't met these people yet, but maybe I can mug them in the parking lot and they'll be too stupid to know how to defend themselves. Unless of course they've already taken that class at Lowe's. I'll just have to be very observant at my first class.
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago