Today is my sister's birthday - Happy Bday, Reba! - so we celebrated at the Chimes on Coursey. My sister and I both had a crabcake sandwich, my wife had the chicken breast & poe-tay-toes, and some guy in the middle of the parking lot got a bonified ass-whupping.
But I'm getting ahead of myself! Let me start at the beginning!
It all started exactly a quarter of a century ago, when my baby sister was born, thus making me the middle child and sending me into a hopeless spiral of discontent and malnourished emotions.
Fast forward to the present (minus a couple of hours) where we're sitting in the outside seating area at Chimes East, watching a girl in a purple shirt yelling and swinging her arms at some tall skinny guy about to get beat down. Only he didn't know it yet. Da da duuuum!
I had been watching these two characters for a good half hour before starting the "fight" chant. You know how it goes... "fight, fight, fight, FIGHT, FIGHT!" There's a whole clap sequence, too, but I'm sure you get my drift.
So like good listeners, they start fighting. Then some other woman pulls up into a handicap spot, and the guy starts fighting with her through the driver-side window. All fifteen people at our table noticed this escalating situation after the people fighting in the car accidentally laid on the horn. The bouncer, who looked like Dwight Shrute's bobble-head doll with sideburns, could only look on and light up another cigarette. The Chimes prides itself on security.
Which was a good thing! Because the next thing I know, my friend Trey, who is a Baton Rouge police officer, has the guy's arms behind his back, bent over on the hood of the car. The bouncer probably would have gotten knocked out, whereas Trey is an ultimate bad-ass. Plus he had the Tanory Tantrum's full might behind him, so you know the assailant probably wet himself several times. I only showed myself after Trey had everything under control - I didn't want to get in the way.
While the guy was bent over the hood of the car, the woman in the car turned on the window wipers, causing blunt trauma to the guy's head. She may have sprayed soap and water in his eyes, but I couldn't really tell from my vantage point. After a couple of minutes, several cops were on the scene, and Trey's dinner was getting cold.
The woman in the car, it turns out, was the guy's wife. The guy had been in the Chimes, cheating on his wife, when the girl in the purple shirt, who happened to be his wife's cousin, caught him making out over a Fried Chimes Club on a crouissant. It was the butler, in the kitchen, with the candlestick!
So my sister had a great birthday.
Oh, and we saw an old man pull up in front of the Chimes and escort a very tall, very blond female escort in, only to leave seconds later. Apparently he was just teasing her. She's got to earn that Shrimp and Corn soup!
We also saw two old people make out. We started the Make Out chant, which is just like the Fight Chant, but you yell "Make Out!"
So here's to all of the overworked, underpaid Baton Rouge police officers out there. Thank you for all of your hard work. We do appreciate you. Especially Trey, because he is, as I think I've already mentioned, a bad-ass.
Here's to the guy who got his ass whipped. Sorry your life is in ruins, but it made for some great entertainment. Next time, try making out with your mistress in a less-crowded area where one or more of your cousins-in-law aren't working.
And here's to my sister. May you have a wonderful birthday week, and we'll see you next year, same place, same time, same seats.
To Serve Man, with Software
2 months ago