Friday, June 30, 2006

DC, Day 3: Nothing To Do, Lots To See

Last night we went to a bar instead of to the Matchbox, and I had an Aaron Burr-ger. It was killer!

Today we hit the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. We learned about air and space, and saw Smithson's tomb. The Federal Archives (where the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and other documents that Nicolas Cage found maps on in National Treasure) is closed until further notice, due to all of the flooding in the DC area. The American Museum, where Dorothy's ruby red slippers are held, is also closed due to flooding. The horror!

In the Air and Space Museum, we saw the plane that the Wright Brothers flew at Kitty Hawk. We also saw Hindenburg's plane, as well as Amelia Earhart's. After reading about how several inventors built their own planes and engines before the age of 15, I reviewed my life and tried to throw myself off the roof. Fortunately, the roof wasn't open until 10:30, and by then I had forgotten about my failures in life.

In the Natural History Museum, we saw the Hope Diamond (yes, the very same one that was thrown to the bottom of the ocean in Titanic - don't ask me how I know that), and we also saw some dino fossils, other gems, and lots of bugs. We caught an IMAX film, "Aliens of the Deep," about underwater sea creatures and possible aliens on other planets that we may be able to interbreed with.

We took our tour of the Library of Congress, and let me tell you, I saw no Alfred Bester, Gene Wolfe, or Philip K. Dick books. You can't call your book collection a "library" without these authors. Actually, we learned that to obtain a copyright for any book, the author has to submit two copies to the Library of Congress. Also, we learned that after the Taliban burned the laws in Afghanistan, the Afghan Whigs had to come to DC to obtain a copy of their own laws. In your face, Taliban!

We spent the rest of the day visiting monuments. We saw the Vietnam War Monument, which was very powerful, as well as the Korean War monument, Lincoln Memorial (where we saw one of our friends - get back to work, slacker!), and the DC Memorial. We also got to see the White House from a distance. On our way back, we saw 50 Port-O-Potties (called "Royal Flushes"), one for every state. DC just loves their monuments!

Pizza at Tunnicliff's Tavern was great - 7 slices out of 10. Our other meals were simple, classy, elegant, and cheap.

Tomorrow we're meeting Betty's cousins at the DC Zoo. We may go to Mount Vernon, too, but we hear that George Washington is dead, so it's just his house. Jay Melder is coming into town tomorrow, so who knows what the rest of the week will be like. Woo!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

DC, Day 2: Hillary Clinton and Other Sewage in the Capitol

Today we took a "Duck Boat" tour, where we rode an amphibious vehicle that brought us around town and over the Potomac River. We saw many new sites, and some old ones, such as the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court was in session, and there were several protesters outside. I grabbed my "End Road Work" sign, and Betty grabbed her "Get a Brains, Morans" sign, and together we shouted insults and threats at the passerbys. We also made quacking sounds with our souvenir Duck whistles. Our friend Shelliqua was with us, and after protesting for several seconds, we got hungry and went to lunch.

We ate at Kelly's Irish Pub, where I had Shephard's Pie. I felt really bad eating a shephard, but I figure everyone's gotta go sometime. They might as well feed me.

Next we took our tour of the Capitol. Did you know that our nation's Capitol is spelled with an "O" and not an "A?" We had to go to Sen. Vitter's office in order to meet up with our tour group, which consisted of just us and our tour guide. We knew some of the people in Vitter's office, and we got the scoop on how the interns from Vitter's office hate the interns from Landrieu's office. I suggested a bipartisan jello fight b/w the opposing female interns, but apparently that has already occurred. We were a week late.

The Capitol was pretty awesome. We saw the Senators voting on the Oman Free Trade Agreement, or OFTA in laymen's terms. We got to see Vitter, Landrieu, McCain, Franken-Kerry, Clinton (who looked pregnant, but I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian, so maybe she was just bloated), Obama, Lott, and Elizabeth Dole. We also saw where someone tried to assassinate Andrew Jackson, and where Jackson subsequently beat and killed the attacker with his cane. DC has a lot of history.

On our way out of the Capitol, we noticed a disgusting odor that curled our nose hairs. It turned out to be sewage leaking out of one of the Capitol walls. Apparently, with all the flooding that DC has had over the past week, the water pressure is too weak to drain all the sewage, so there is now more crap in the Capitol than usual.

Tonight we're going to The Matchbox in Chinatown, where we will sample some of the best pizza in DC. We may even buy a fake Rolex or two if we're lucky. I need some souvenirs for the gang at work.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

DC, Day 1: It's Just Right There!

After our 5-hour trek through New York, New Jersey, Maryland and some lesser New England states, we finally got to Washington, DC. And let me tell you, something really smells like shit. I don't know if it's the Republicans, the Democrats, or just the teeming mass of froth-mouthed tourists, but something really stinks. I promise, Mom, I used deoderant.

It was personally very difficult to leave New York. Manhattan was incredible, and NYC is probably the greatest city I've ever been to. DC is okay too, but maybe since my sister was with us the whole time in NY but is now back in Baton Rouge, we are really only have 2/3rds the fun that we should be having. Miss you, Reba!

So far we've walked the entire width of DC. We've seen the Capitol, Washington Monument, Reflecting Pools, WW II Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, and the Smithsonian Institute. Every time we felt like going back, we'd see another monument and say, "Well, it's just right there, let's go!" We didn't go into any monuments, just walked around them. The subway stations - excuse me, the Metro stations - are much nicer and cleaner than New York's, but they lack New York's customary Naked Cowboy and Guitar Flasher. These people have no culture!

The Washington Memorial is the largest building in DC by law, and what's most incredible about it is the sign right out front that says, "No Yelling, 'Does That Make You Horny, Baby?!'"

And if New York is the "City That Never Sleeps," then DC is the city that goes to bed at 6 sharp. All of the street vendors close at 6 pm. Nobody selling water. Nobody selling Lucky Dogs. Nobody selling themselves. Where are all the services!!

Tomorrow we're taking a tour of the Capitol, where our Senate and House of Representatives work tirelessly for 4 months out of the year. We may be able to do the "Duck Tour," where we'll ride an amphibious vehicle through the monument area and across the Potomac. It's going to be hard to top last week, but by golly we're gonna try.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

NYC, Day 7: Wicked Awesome!

A week in NY has passed by, and we ended it where we started it: in Times Square. When we got here, the city was huge and impenetrable, and we were in awe of our surroundings. Now we're just like every other New Yorker: looking straight ahead, walking as fast as the dickens, and occasionally yelling, "Hey, I'm walking here!" - except for when we were in China Town, where we yelled, "Hey, I'm wok'n here!" (The jokes don't get any better.)

We started off the day on the subway, which took us down to the piers. We took a ferry to Liberty Island where we walked around and inside of the Statue of Liberty for something like 4 hours. Did you know that the Statue of Liberty had to be revamped after the X-Men foiled Magneto's evil scheme there in X-Men 1? It's true!

Ellis Island was pretty cool, too. On the ferry ride back to NYC, we saw a ferry midget. You rock, dude!

Afterwards I signed autographs for my loving blog fans. Nobody wanted any, but I signed them anyway.

After a hardy lunch of nachos, a pretzel and a zesty Diet Coke, we walked around Ground Zero and Wall Street, as well as through some of the remaining World Trade Center towers. They've started renovating that area, and the new buildings should be up by 2009. We'll have to make another trip once they're finished. I'm sure our bank accounts will be back in the green by then.

We ate dinner with a friend at the Blue Fin restaurant, then went to a Broadway show, Wicked. To be honest, the performance was probably the single greatest live performance I've ever seen, outside of George Bush Sr.'s one-man acoustical jam live at the Red Rocks.

We exited the Gershwin Theatre out to the Times Square area. It was then that this poignant thought hit me: we need more TP. And this thought: Goodbye, Times Square.

Tomorrow we leave for Washington, D.C.

Monday, June 26, 2006

NYC, Day 6: Yank This!

Today we went to Regis and Kelly, but Reege wasn't there. Instead, Carson Kressler from Queer Eye co-hosted. The girls thought he was "fabulous." Carson told us that they changed the name of the show from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" to just plain "Queer Eye." I guess not enough of us breeders were willing to go on the show.

Hilary Duff of Duff Beer fame was a guest, then Def Leppard performed. Def Leppard's one-armed drummer was awesome! Their thrice-armed guitarist was pretty cool, too. During the break, DL's lead singer told Kelly that he almost forgot the words while watching her dance erotically to "Pour Some Sugar on Me," and Carson told some guy in the audience that he wanted to make out with him. I politely declined.

Next we hit the Barnes and Noble, where bathroom break #1 occurred. I saw a midget outside the bathroom... he wasn't sporting a mullet, but it was still incredible. He was a gangsta midget, but the bathrooms were by the kids section, so it was hard to take him seriously while he was holding "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish."

We also took pictures of the Loews Theatre on 68th and Broadway, as mentioned in SNL's "Lazy Sunday." Snack attack MF! Then we passed by "Yum Yum Bangkok 1" thru "Yum Yum Bangkok 3." They have a 2 for 1 Happy Ending.

We had some time to kill before lunch at Tavern on the Green, so we stopped at an Italian sports bar by Madison Square Garden and watched some of the Italy / Australia World Cup game. I kept yelling, "Gooooooooal!" and running around with my shirt over my head, but when we left the game was still 0-0.

Our Barnes and Noble bathroom break #2, sponsored by Frommer's, was excellent. You may not want to go in there for a while.

Next we went back to the apartment, while the girls napped and I watched the Switzerland / Ukraine game on the Spanish channel. Then it was off to take the subway to the Yankees game, where they beat the Braves 5-2. We sat by a retired umpire who chatted it up with us the entire game, and even argued with some of the calls. Giambi hit two home runs to drive in 5 runs, and Chipper Jones hit a 2-run homer late in the game. Some kids kept yelling, "Juice One, Giambi!" and we kept telling them, "Giambi likes steroids, not juice!"

But the highlight of our day was seeing Derek Jeter on the subway. I thought he would be taller. And male. But he's really a small, blonde-haired girl with Keds. His shirt said Jeter. It Jeter's birthday, so he's probably out partying hard while I write this blog alone and in the dark, sitting in the nude, as always.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

NYC, Day 5: Jesus H & H Christ!

After apparently running off one of the other bloggers, we went to St. Patrick's Cathedral for penance and reflection. The Cardinal was supposed to give mass, but instead we had a conglomeration of lesser priests. St. Patrick's Cathedral was built about a hundred years ago, can seat about three thousand people, and is located right on 5th Avenue, where the Gay Parade was going on. Talk about a potent combo! As far as I know, none of our priests joined the parade.

We've heard so much about New York bagels that we went out of our way to try some. We hit up H & H Bagels in Clinton, and they lived up to expectation. I pretended like I was foreign and kept pronouncing them as "bag ells." They really only sold bagels - no coffee, no seats, no nothing! So we walked to a Mickey D's and ate our bagels and scoffed at all the fat people eating Royals with Cheese. Now that I've been in NY for almost a week, it's only natural that I would start looking down on tourists.

The aircraft carrier, USS Intrepid, serves as a museum, so we walked around there and watched a movie about the US Navy shooting down Japanese kamikazee pilots. Just so you know, this movie was not based on the movie "Pearl Harbor" with Ben Affleck, as might be expected, but J-Lo did make an appearance.

We took the Circle Line cruiser around the harbor and saw the Statue of Liberty, as well as Wall Street, Ground Zero and Battery Park. We ate dinner at Papaya Dogs then had dessert at New York New York Cheesecake before attending an improv session at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre in Chelsea. We saw some writers/performers from SNL, Conan and Second City, and it was everything we hoped it could be and more.

Tomorrow we're going to Regis and Kelly, but Regis will not be there. Instead Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will be there. The Gay Day theme continues. Def Leppard will be performing, so at least we'll get to see a one-armed drummer. We're also going to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees v Braves, as well as dining at Tavern on the Green, in Central Park. Hopefully my previous posts haven't scared off any more of my reader(s), and my apologies in advance to anyone offended by jokes concerning Jews, Christians, Gays, Whites, Albinos or telemarketers.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

NYC, Day 4: Say Cheese!

Today was a really good day. We walked through Little Italy, China Town, and SoHo. SoHo stands for "South of Houston," but these yankees pronounce "Houston" like "House-ton." I took every ounce of energy to only mug a couple of them for this gross mispronunciation.

We took the subway to Little Italy, where we saw a "Nuts 4 Nuts" vendor on the corner. I wanted some cashews, but the vendor wouldn't give me a deal after I told him that cashews were legumes and not nuts. Nuts!

We ate at the nation's oldest pizzeria, Lombardi's, in Little Italy. After all the buildup, we only give it 6 slices out of 10. Lacy, one of my former coworkers, met us there. Afterwards we went to Ferraro's, a French pastry place. I ordered a Mint Mocha, an eclair, a chocolate cannoli and a lobster tail. I mimed my order, so what I actually got was something too embarrassing to talk about on the blog.

My wife and sister bought knockoff purses from China Town. They were ushered into the back room (ie, the bathroom) of a little shop and offered some knockoffs, plus $5 sucky sucky. I shopped for mistranslated video games, but all they had were Xbox games. Screw the Xbox! Dvd? Dvd? Sunglasses? Dvd?

The highlight of the day was visting Di Palo's Cheese Shop in Little Italy. My wife's mother's friend's grandmother owns Di Palo's, and we chatted it up with Louie and Sal in the Cheese Shop. They gave us samples of two kinds of cheese, salami, and some bread. Thanks gang! My sister cut the cheese later.

We met up with one of our friends on 7th Avenue and 54th St, and then went out to SoHo, to the Terra Blues bar. I told the waitress that I was pissed that their "blues band" had white people in it, and the song was upbeat. "Screw that!" I said, then took one last trip to the bathroom before storming out.

One of our friends is a shoe salesperson for a really trendy shoe store, so the girls got free shoes. My wife looks pretty hot in them. I don't look too bad myself.

Did I mention that we hit the Church of Scientology? I told them that I firmly believed that aliens are slumbering in Earth's volcanos. I got a free ice cream.

Tomorrow we're going to church, where the Cardinal will be presiding over mass. Tomorrow night we'll be at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre, where Amy Poeler and Horatio Sans will be performing. In between, who knows - we may just walk around in high heels eating our cheese.

Friday, June 23, 2006

NYC, Day 3: All Art and Dim Sum

How hard is it to find a friggin bagel in this city? All I want is a schmere of some damn cream cheese!

Instead we went to 'Wichcraft, which I guess is a cross between Sandwich and Warcraft. I had a cinnamon roll. We ate this mess in Bryant Park, where we blissfully missed Mary J. Blige by mere hours.

Next we hit the MoMA. For those of you not in the know, the MoMA stands for the 'Museum of Modern crAp.' We saw a couple of Claude Monet's work, such as "Clouds Reflecting on the Water-Lily Pond," which was breathtaking. After taking a breath, we moved on to the Picassos. We also discussed The Starry Night by Van Gogh in great detail with some foreigners. "Did Jew Know" that Jackson Pollock was a pioneer in the Finger Painting frontier? And also that Andy Warhol's favorite Cambell's Soup can was the Baked Beans and Potato Flambe?

We also saw some "DADA" work, which included machines rebuilt as art, and that song "I'm Going to Disneyland."

One of the greatest paintings we saw, though, was a huge canvas painted red. That's right, the whole canvas was red. This intellectual mind-blow was only surpassed by the canvas that was painted black. Of course, the canvas that was blue really took me by surprise. Modern art is stupid.

We also went to the Guggenheim. The Goog is a really neat-looking museum. Inside was some stuff by some person that we'd never heard of. Way to go, you made it to the Goog! Check that one off our list.

We walked down 5th Avenue, went to Tiffany's, and hit the "must see" Starbucks at Trump Towers. I got a Frapp. We then ate at Ruby Foo's, where we ate Lettuce Wraps, Pad Thai, Kung Pow chicken, pork flied lice - all dat and Dim Sum!

The NBC Studio Tour in Rockefeller Center was incredible. We saw the studios where Dateline, Nightly News, NBC Sports, and Saturday Night Live are filmed. Betty got a guest spot as a Nightly News anchor. I was the camera man - I got a lot of compliments on my camera work. Just call me Ron Burgundy.

We walked through Central Park and met a nice woman with a humongous poodle. The Jamba Juice place was just as high-energy as SNL made it out to be. Taj Restaurant and L'Angola Cafe were fun, except for when we got kicked out. And I'd like to thank Nina and Ralph for all of their hospitality.

The subway is continuing to entertain us. We met a woman who refuses to go back on the subway because someone flashed her. I'm happy that she didn't recognize me. We took the Grand Central Station subway - it was just as packed as everyone makes it out to be.

Tomorrow we have a full day planned. We are going to Little Italy and China Town, where we plan on buying a lot of knock-offs for really cheap. I want some mistranslated video games. We're also going to Lombardi's Pizzeria, the oldest pizzeria in the nation. We may do the harbor tour, but who knows. I can't feel my legs, and I think my lower back is still hurting from the incident with my "favorite seat."

Thursday, June 22, 2006

NYC, Day 2: The City That Never Sleeps, My Ass! I'm Tired!

We've made it to Day 2! Hurrah!

Today was an exciting day. We started out with some Go-Tarts, a combination of Gobots and Pop-Tarts. Mine was strawberry. We ended up hitting the American Museum of Natural History, which has an entire floor dedicated to dinosaur fossils. I got to rub some dinosaur bone - you know what I'm talking about. We skimmed the other three floors of the museum, because we had other shit to do, like eat pizza at John's Pizzeria.

John's Pizzeria is supposedly one of the Top 10 pizza places in New York. As a pizza connoisseur, I'd have to give it 8 slices out of 10. Since we were on Bleeker street at this point, we decided to Mac on some Cupcakes at the Magnolia Bakery. Hey, it's in SNL's Lazy Sunday, so we had to hit it.

We took our first Subway ride today. It wasn't anything like I'd expected. For instance, did you know that the Subway is like a monorail that runs underground?! Unbelievable!

We also saw an artist on the Subway. He had some pictures of sandwiches. So basically, we saw an actual Subway Sandwich Artist.

We stopped at the Dakota, where John Lennon lived and was shot. I stood on the place where he took his last breath. I gently hummed Strawberry Fields Forever, then couldn't get the Elmo Song out of my head for the rest of the day.

Next we went to Chelsea Market, where Rachel Ray and Emeril film their Food Network shows, and we did it in 30 minutes or less. Bam! We also went to see The Daily Show with John Stewart. Adam Sandler was the guest. If you watch the rerun on Friday, you can hear me call out, "You can do it!" several times before security escorts me out.

We ate at The Eatery, not knowing what to expect. Luckily they had food. Then we had coffee and dessert at Maison, a couple of blocks from Time Square. We missed K-Fed, so I couldn't mug him for pennies.

Tomorrow we are going to the Guggenheim, the MoMA, and Rockefeller Center. We're also planning to start out the day with some bagels.

One last thing: I would like to dispel the myth of "the Dirty Jew." All of the Jews we saw, met and spoke to were very clean and polite. Did I mention it costs over a buck for tap water at restaurants?

Ode to Billy Bobby

Today I received spam from a coworker. Lets just call him Aaron with one A. Although I normally hate spam, I actually took a licking to this one. I think its because it made absolutely no cents. I will let you read it yourself.

-----Original Message-----
From: Gino [mailto:Ginoborealis@paris.com]
Sent: Thursday, June 22, 2006 7:00 PM
To: ********************************
Subject: -- Recent stuff Online Caasino. GGo and Play It
Importance: Low

When dog hungry he ah nyam calabash.


Online Casino with 85+ games. Play It Now! http://tdvid.com/d1/check

Charity begins at home

Now I was tempted to click on the link, but I refrained. It seems to be for an online casino in Paris, New Jersey. Its in half English and half Gibberish.

But anyway, back to why I wrote this blog. A coworker, and blog admin, who we will just call Bobbie with a Y, is on vacation in New York. Yep, the big apple. Hopefully, he has either seen a mugging or actually mugged someone himself. I wouldnt want him to get mugged, because he has to bring me back something really cool. Like a new skateboard. Well heres to you, mister I dont care cause I'm going on vacation IT guy.

Oh yeah, your cubicle is.................................................

You have reached the word limit for your blog. If you need additional space, Please post a comment.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

NYC, Day 1: Already Out of Money

We've made it to the Big Apple! And if New York is the Big Apple, then we are like worms. We've weaved our way about 6 miles throughout the city, which really doesn't seem like much, but when you sit on your ass all day writing code, that's about a month's worth of walking.

So far we've eaten a Rueben at Carnegie Deli, gone to the 86th floor of the Empire State Building, walked through Times Square and Central Park, taken pictures outside of Hello Deli, the Late Show, and a couple of other places, and eaten at Tasti D-Lite (it was on Sex and the City, so the ladies wanted to go - plus I got ice cream. Holla!). We're also staying right by Julliard. I'll keep you updated on any hot girls in spandex that I see coming out of that building.

Did I mention it was Gay Pride week? Our last vacation was during Gay Pride week as well. It's a vast left-wing conspiracy. Just so you know, the wife planned both of these trips.

I've heard that K-Fed (aka, Cletus Spears) is going to be in Times Square tomorrow, promoting the "Save the Penny" campaign. Apparently the penny is going out of fashion in NYC, and Cletus needs all the pennies he can muster. I might mug him just to be on TV. Hi Mom!

Our first taxi ride was just as exciting as we hoped. Our cabbie was not Iranian, which was disappointing, but he made up for his ethnicity by turning left on red lights from the right-most lane repeatedly as well as driving through construction zones. I tipped him a crapload.

Tomorrow we will be in the audience of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Other than that, we are going to continue to look for drunks and immigrants to mug in order to maintain our spending spree.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Baggs: The Movie

Check out the trailer for my cousin's new movie. Think of it as an 80's rendition of Dodgeball, but with Hacky Sack.

Trailer for "Baggs: The Movie"

Monday, June 19, 2006

Cubicidal Maniacs

I am taking a vacation soon. So soon, in fact, that I have already stopped working.

Vacations are a necessary evil. On the one hand, it's great to get out of the office and go explore the rest of the world. You can eat new foods, see new sights, and take pictures in front of new and exciting tourist traps. On the other hand, you leave yourself open to having your cubicle destroyed.

I have a feeling that my cubicle will be messed with, but I'm not worried: my cubicle already looks destroyed. Call it a preemptive strike on my own desk.

What I'm really hoping for is for something to happen that will go down in the record books. If I come back and it's just a regular prank, well, that's not going to help me in my quest for greatness. What I need is something stupendous.

I'm thinking of fish... maybe some duct tape. And a hamster. If we can combine all of that, maybe throw in some styrofoam peanuts, a couple of cups of water all taped together, and tin foil, then maybe, just maybe, we can make it in the Cubicle Prank Hall of Fame. I'm looking for the best of the best. Do your worst! Er... best!

Because I'll definitely be relaxed when I get home. I'll need something to kick start my metabolism into forcing my body into a fuming rage. Then it'll feel like I'm at work again.

So please, come up with something decent. You have two weeks. You may want to call in professionals.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Bible Belt

I came up with a great invention: The Bible Belt.

It'll be like Pootie Tang's magical belt which allows him to beat the crap out of Evil as long as he has a pure heart. But better.

There already exists a company that creates Bible Belts, but Bible Belt Ltd's belt is used in a peaceful manner. It also has Bible verses inscribed right on the belt.

My belt buckle would have different imprints of Bible verses, but they'd be inscribed backwards. That way, if you whup someone in the face, everyone else can read the red and inflamed script. Remember, the whole point is to whip Evil. It would also come in sizes 24 - 50.

I am also working on a flaming sword but need a couple of ideas on how to make it kid-friendly.

If you or someone you know is a heathen and would like to be a test subject for The Tanory Tantrum's Bible Belt, please let me know.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Premature Evacuation

As a major milestone in our multi-hundred dollar project comes to a close, many of our coworkers, consultants and friends will be leaving to work elsewhere. Since I'm going on vacation soon, I wanted to say goodbye to a couple of people in advance so I don't miss the opportunity. You may not be leaving for a month, but you're getting your goodbye now. So as of the end of this post, you're dead to me.

Enjoy!

Jerry the Microsoft Guy: It has been an honor and a pleasure working with you. I've learned a lot from you; your technical know-how is uncanny. I call dibs on your Propel pyramid.

Aslam: How's it going, buddy? Thanks for all your work. You facilitated like no other. Much luck on your future facilitations.

Scott: I never got to take your poker money, but it's still on my To Do list. Good luck with your future journeys. Send me a Bon Jovi tour shirt from Jersey.

Marcel: I was assigned to you and you got the best out of me. Seriously, that was my best. I know, it's pretty pathetic. I blame it all on Daakar.

I wish all of you lots of luck in your future endeavors, except if you work on another retirement system... then I hope your project is a complete and utter failure. Best of luck!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Buster Dog!

My neighbors have a weiner dog named Buster. Buster's a pretty friendly dog. His only flaw, if I can call it a flaw, is that when he gets really excited, he pees all over the place.

And I'm not talking about a puddle of pee. I'm talking about an arc of high-velocity streaming dog whiz.

The first couple of times I pet Buster, he got me in the leg. After that I learned to pet him from the side. He doesn't pee as much, except when he gets overly excited.

Enter: Steve.

One day when I was talking to my neighbor Mike (who I've mistakenly been calling Steve for the past two years), Buster broke free of his confining chain and obtained a brief glimmer of freedom. Instead of running into the street to chase cars or sell crack, he decided to run straight to me and start humping my leg.

I picked Buster up, hoping to keep him out of harm's way until his parents came to pick him up. Upon being picked up, Buster got a little "excited." The dog's owner, Penny, and Penny's 4-year-old daughter Kayla, came to get Buster.

Kayla blurted out, "Buster's a bad dog!" Steve (er... Mike), being a gentleman and honorable citizen, responded with, "And he's HORNY, too!"

I, being shocked that a grown man would say something like that in front of a 4-year-old, turned to face Steve. When I turned, Buster turned with me. A peed right in Steve's face.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Neighbors and Names, by Bobby

Steve is my neighbor, and as far as neighbors go, he's a really nice guy. I've known him for about two years, and we generally just talk when we're out mowing the lawn at the same time or when we're leaving for work in the morning.

And although I don't know all that much about Steve, here's an interesting fact that I found out about him yesterday:

Steve's name is Mike.

That's right, I've been calling Mike "Steve" for the past two years. The funniest part is, he's always answered to it. I don't know if he just finally got sick of me calling him Steve or what, but I'm happy he told me: now I have blog fodder.

So here's to you, Mike. You'll always be Steve to me.

Pre Happy Father's Day

Father's Day is coming up, so you need to honor your father by getting him a gift that he would probably rather you not spend your money on. The Tanory Tantrum's survery team hit the streets to find out what fathers everywhere really want for their special day.

Here are the stats: we received 17,562 online survery responses within the course of a week. 8,762 of those were either for Viagra or Levitra, and another 8,015 were for online dating. Based on this information, we can conclude that our fathers want to have sex with random strangers.

But we still have another 785 other responses leftover. After determining that 781 of those were our test team trying out their online survey spam software, that leaves us with 4 valid responses. Here they are, in all their glory.

Tanory Tantrum: What are you going to give your fathers for Father's Day?

Response 1: Crap, that's this weekend?!

Response 2: My father is no longer with us. He's not dead, we just haven't found him since Mardi Gras.

Response 3: A yellow tie.

Response 4: Tickets to see Barry Manilow in Las Vegas. Just kidding, a yellow tie.

There you have it, the Universe's greatest blog's membership has spoken. It appears that your best bet is to hire a stripper for your dad, dress her up in a yellow tie, and bring lots of Viagra. I sincerely hope that your father has a wonderful Father's Day.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The World Cup Meets the Matrix

Watching the World Cup is fun, but to have an even more enjoyable experience, check it out in ASCII. That's right, you can now get all of the games to stream in converted ASCII text, with bonus mistranslated English!

To view the games in ASCII, just open up a command window (start / run / cmd) and type in (minus the quotes) "telnet ascii-wm.net 2006" - then watch as your computer turns into a text-based television set.

For a slightly less exciting experience, download the TVUPlayer program and watch TV on your computer, sans cable hookup. Once a team scores, switch over to Univision to listen to that Spanish dude yell GOOOOOOOOOOOOL! (Which is Spanish for "GOOOOOOOOAAAAL!")

Monday, June 12, 2006

The USA Men's Soccer Team's Premature Brennschluss, by Bobby

I'm a huge fan of soccer. In fact, I'm something of a Soccer Hooligan. It's hard being an American Soccer Hooligan, because you have no street cred, and basically no way of obtaining any. But if the USA Men's Team had actually scored a goal in Monday's matchup with the Czech Republic, I might have torched a car or two. That's how I roll.

But we didn't win, and therefore I will probably have a perpetual case of the Mondays. But let's be fair: the Czechs played well, and we played like the Women's Curling Team could have whupped us.

I can only sulk until Saturday, when the US will try to grow a pair before they play Italy.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Just Say No and Maybe Some Other Words, by Bobby

In middle school we had the D.A.R.E. program (D.A.R.E. to Keep Kids Off Drugs). This program taught kids to "Just Say No!"

But is just saying no enough? I mean, if someone asks you if you want to do some drugs, and you say no, does that mean that you can't partake in the drug-fueled orgy afterwards? That kinda blows.

Speaking of blow, what about Ibuprofen? Is that okay? I'm not really clear on what we're saying no to.

If we're saying NO! to hardcore drugs like crack, coke, heroine and skittles, then that's okay. But I think there's a better way of teaching our kids that drugs are bad, mmkay? Just consider D.A.R.E.'s latest anti-drug method: the D.A.R.E. Dance. I think this dance might actually be turning kids towards drugs.

Not to say that D.A.R.E. isn't doing something constructive and positive... my life has certainly been affected by them. In the 6th grade, a police officer came to my class to tell us a story about how a cracked-out druggie was shot 10 times and still manged to kill the cop's partner. I think that did more to change my attitude toward drugs than any dance (with exception of The Macarena).

And the worst drug, as everybody knows, is tobacco. No single drug or item has been made to be an extension of the devil more than cigarettes. Most people aren't stupid enough to smoke in public anymore, thanks to public campaigns at enciting violence towards smokers. Maybe we should forget about the D.A.R.E. Dance and just have our children start to throw rocks and sticks at meth heads.

In conclusion, the next time you get a headache, maybe you should just tough it out instead of grabbing for your Tylenol, druggie!

Friday, June 09, 2006

How to Blog, by Bobby

Blogging is a talent, like cow punching, but if you don't have the talent you can still learn pretty easily. Here are some blogging secrets that I have learned in my tenure as head blogger.

First, create a free blog at Blogger.com or another (and most likely inferior) service.

Next, find something interesting, like donkey bombs. Then explore the topic to its fullest: What is a donkey bomb? How do I get one? Do I have to feed the donkey before it explodes, and if so, what is the best type of donkey food? What types of objects will a donkey bomb asplode?

You should also explore controversial topics to get people talking about your blog. You will want to avoid old and boring controversial topics like abortion, the war in Iraq, nuclear proliferation, veal and religion - nobody cares about those anymore. Find something that will stimulate water cooler talk, such as whether or not it is okay to email people in your book club your thoughts on the ending of a particular book when you know that half of the book club either did not read it (but wants to!) or is 3/4 of the way through.

Finally, you need a way to keep your readers interested. One way to do this is by posting naked pictures of adult female humans all over your blog. I have tried to do this in the past but somehow I always get too distracted to actually follow through. Another way of keeping your readers interested is by writing intriguing lines, such as "Sally, Jessie and Raphael took Tuesday Night Fights to a new level when they jumped in the inflatable pool full of jello."

I hope that I have helped and encouraged you to blog. Now get out there and do your worst.

The Greatest Protest Sign This Side of the Mississippi

Yesterday I saw a protest sign that really grabbed my attention. Baton Rouge is undergoing massive construction in an effort to ease traffic congestion, but all of the construction has done nothing but cause more traffic. Everyone who has driven in or around Baton Rouge knows the ridiculousness of our city's layout. So I was very pleased to see this sign posted right off I-10, directly outside of the construction zone:

Yes, that's right! Stick it to the Man! End Road Work! Yeeeeaaaah, Booooyyy!

Glazed-Coated Market Shares

I have a new marketing idea for all those donuts shops that have been hurt by the Low Carb craze: Diet Donuts.

Here's how it works: you take one chocolate-covered donut, remove half of the chocolate topping, and voila, a tasty Diet Donut. But Bob, you say, I prefer the jelly-filled donuts. Well sir, madam, or alien life form, to that I will say, only half of the donut shall be filled with jelly goodness.

What about glazed? Our Donut Artists can rub off some of the glaze before they are put in your order. This is another marketing technique: saving money by having one product capable of doing two separate tasks.

Maybe you like sprinkles. Here's where it gets complicated. You can either have the full amount of chocolate, but only half the sprinkles. Or you can just have half the chocolate, so only half the amount of sprinkles will stick.

You can tweak the recipes to fit your needs, as well as expand the number of items affected by this Diet Donut algorithm, such as cinnamon twists, bear claws, and donut holes.

In conclusion, you can eat healthy by eating donuts, as long as you follow my sound advice. And remember, eating two Diet Donuts is the equivalent of eating 1.5 regular donuts, so make sure you get a couple of boxes for the whole family or office to enjoy. Just make sure I receive my 10% finder's fee. You can address the check to my house on Lake Titicaca.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

A Tail of Two Cities

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

One of my coworkers has a cyst on his lower back. Well, he claims it's a cyst... but we know better. Nobody has a cyst on their lower back. Cysts on the lower back are called tails. So basically what I'm saying is, one of my coworkers has a tail.

This coworker flies back and forth from Chicago to Baton Rouge, and said his tail hurts him during the flight. So he's decided to get it removed.

So I would like to dedicate this blog entry to the tail, an amazing specimen which has given us lots of laughs over the past couple of days. Here's to you and all your future journeys. Until you get lopped off, of course. Then we hope you rest in peace.

So Tail, you may want to make the most of your final days, like going out to swing from a tree, grabbing cans of beer from the fridge with your prehensile strength, letting your host human chase you, or lifting up skirts unbeknownst to your human master. We just know that, when our coworker arrives back in Baton Rouge, he will be without one of the best parts about him. We'll miss you!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Knocking Down the Walls Between Us

Recognizing how effecting moving the water cooler has shown to be, we have taken our ingenuity one step further: we have removed the partition that was blocking all three writers of this incredibly robust and life-changing blog from sharing the same cubicular space. And when I say "we," I do not mean "me."

Now the other bloggers have no escape from me. No escape... no mercy! Bwahaha!

Wayne, being the closest to me, has a fan that acts as a spitball deflector. But I've found that, by angling the straw just right, I can still hit Aaron most of the time. It's like that qBasic game Gorillas.

Happy Day of the Beast!

I know that most of you may not think that 6-6-06 is a lucky day, but I disagree. I'm hoping that Darwin has its way with all the cults and emos out there. We have a supply and demand issue arising with land usage, and there's no better time to clear the way than today.

So for all of you out there who believe that today is an evil day and the Day of the Beast, I encourage you to don your robes, grab your Kool-Aid and drink up!

And if all does not come to an end, our descendants will have to pick up the slack in 3006.

Monday, June 05, 2006

DJ Craptastic

Today's music is crap. You can't let your children listen to the radio without fear of them hearing something indecent. Why can't our music revert to how it was in the Good Ol' Days, where we had easy-listening favorites that the whole family could enjoy, such as "Sexual Healing," "Let's Get It On," and "I Want Your Monkey Sex."

And if you are thinking about making music for today's market, there are a couple of things that you need to keep in mind. First, you must build off of another "musician's" work. For instance, if a new word is used in a song, you should try incorporating that word in your own song. Recent examples of this type of styling are "bootylicious" and "ba-donk-a-donk." Second, you must remove all appearances of trying to create a unique or stylistic approach to adding notes to your music - everything must be removed except for drums and bass; all we care about is the beat. Third, you need not even waste your time recording music if you have actual talent. We can reproduce pitch with the touch of a button. All we need is for someone to speak in the microphone slowly, precisely, and exactly how we wrote the lyrics. It also doesn't hurt to be a good-looking person, but we can alter that as well.

But if for some reason you are deemed unworthy to spend the time, money and marketing power on, you can always resort to becoming a DJ. To become a DJ, all you need to do is take some music that is already popular, speed it up and overlay it with a drum beat. Then you need to come up with a cool DJ name. You want a unique name, so avoid names like DJ Tanner, DJ Qualls, and DJ Jazzy Jeff.

In conclusion, remember: it's not about you. It was never about you. You are just a means to an end. What end, you may be asking yourself? Hopefully, a happy one.

Have you update your business model lately?

With today’s ever changing technologies and businesses, there are a lot of concerns about outdated business models. Take for example the business model for Taco Bell. You hire transients for minimum wage and teach them to push a few graphical buttons on a cash register. Then, you provide the customer with delicious, authentic Mexican food. They are ready for this modern technological era. Before, Taco Bell actually expected their "employees" to know how to read. But they have since updates to icons that people can recognize, i.e., a taco.

There has been one business model ,though, that may never need to be updated, just tweaked. Begging. This model has been around since the beginning. Historical video can be found if you need to do research on "How to become a beggar". Though technology has changed, and beggars use this technology, the basic principal is still there, just beg. Now you can beg in front of a grocery store, outside a bar, on the side of the highway, and on the internet.

In medieval times, beggars were rounded up and shot, tortured, and experimented on, by making them listen to the Spice Girls 24/7. Now we have laws to stop this. No more shooting them.

So you see, you should consider how your business can best succeed and change your business model to fit these needs. Goodbye and Goodnight.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Putting the Man in Manager

I would make a great manager because I am a man's man. Extreme manliness is a powerful force in managerial circles. Here are some examples when it helps to know your glutes from your coworkers'.

Want to take a week off for a vacation but forgot to turn in your Leave Slip? Try doing 50 one-armed pushups while you ask, and I'll see what I can do. You can try pulling at my heart-strings by showing me pictures of your children and telling me how disappointed they'll be if I don't allow you to go on vacation, but unless there's a man-eating dog in at least three of those pictures, it will all be for naught.

Interviewing for a job? Try lifting weights while answering questions. Utilizing improper techniques will cause an abrupt end to our interview. Make sure you know who the Alpha Male is in the room and act accordingly.

I will fight for you in all managerial meetings. If a manager from another department mentions your name in a negative way, I'll stand up, rip off my shirt, and start screaming obscenities at him or her. Nobody talks about my workers like that... nobody! I may even strangle someone with my tie for emphasis.

In conclusion, please remember to have your time sheet on my desk by noon. I would hate to have to put you in a Full Nelson (again).

Friday, June 02, 2006

I Need Help

Dearest Readers,

I would like your feedback to these serious questions. Please answer the following questions as best you can. Feel free to make up your own questions and then answer them if you would like. You can post your answers in the comments section.

1. If you were a hashtable, how many keys would you hold and why? Write your answer in the form of a method’s comments.

2. You are obviously a person capable of complicated thoughts – basically, a type of person we like to call “multi-layered.” How many layers do you have, and how many of those contain business logic? How many of these layers are just pass-through layers? How many of these layers are not needed?

3. Do you believe that a program written to describe people and their habits (think of SimCity) should be written in Object-Oriented code? If so, do you think it is right to treat women as Objects?

4. What are your favorite public, shared properties and/or attributes?

5. Assume you are the lead developer of a multi-million dollar retirement system, being created within a strict budget and timeline, spanning several years and deriving from work done by several organizations working simultaneously. How many pizzas would you buy for your employees when they are working late, and how many toppings would be on each pizza? Show your work.

Thank you for your help!
Bobby

Get Your Creative Juices Flowing

You may or may not have heard, but someone knocked up Anna Nicole Smith. I kind of feel sorry for the sick, sadistic bastard that sunk so low in his life that he could not resist himself around the TrimSpa© and Crack© spokesperson. We can be reasonably sure the father is not her 90-year-old ex-husband, as Anna Nicole Smith ate him several years ago.

But this brings up a much larger issue: Celebrities are treating babies as the latest fashion accessory.

So why are single celebrity women all of sudden finding the need to have children? Angelina had a child before she merged to become Brangelina, head of the Decepticons. Jodie Foster has her own chilluns; Eva Long-bore-ia wants one. Both Jessica Simpson and her lesbian ex-lover Nick Lachey both want children, just not together. Katie Holmes was unable to resist Tom Cruise's electric energy, but is still technically single.

I think the best solution to this problem is to have a reality TV show, where we the Audience can vote for who we want to marry these hot (or not) celebrity womenz that want to get preggers. Auditions can take place at different cities around the country, and contestants will first have to audition in front of Ron Jeremy, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Hurricane Season, Disks 1 - 4

Today is the first day of Hurricane Season, and as my building's Fire Captain I feel that it is my duty to inform you and my fellow coworkers about how to be safe during a Hurricanal Emergency.

Please follow these steps in the order that they are written.

1. Stock up on food, water, toilet paper and personal lubricant well in advance of a disaster. When all of the power goes out, most of us just sit around, bored out of our skulls. When bored, we usually eat, sleep or make love to one another - make sure you are one of the first to stock up on everything you will need during this strenuous time.

2. If you live in a large, bowl-shaped region that will probably be hit by a hurricane and/or flooded, please evacuate prior to all exits being destroyed by water. If you cannot evacuate, buy or steal an axe. This will help you chop through your attic as well as stave off the looters that will eventually threaten your neighborhood.

3. However tempting it is to only take the essentials with you, some of your "least valuable" will make great bartering items when money becomes worthless and the looting begins. White sneakers are a great bartering item. Pack a plasma TV or two if you have room.

4. Back up all of your data. Someone is probably going to loot your domicile, and it will take longer to redownload all of those stolen MP3s than it will to back them up.

5. Charge your cell phone. You will not be able to talk to anyone on it, but you will probably be able to send text messages to each other. This is by design: most of us do not have a texting plan on our phones, so the phone companies rack up during times of emergencies. You can also text-vote for your favorite American Idol contestant, or play Tetris until your phone runs out of juice.

In conclusion, I hope you are all safe, happy and healthy during this Hurricane Season. And remember, if you are in New Orleans during a Category 5 Hurricane, your best chances of survival is to find the highest ground, which just happens to be the French Quarter. I hear the Hustler Club has the highest altitude.

The Power of Word Art

Yesterday I had the opportunity to work with a manager from another company. I was asked to present a report on n-tiered architecture. I turned in my report, and about ten minutes later the report came back to me with comments and a Post-It telling me to resubmit the report with the necessary corrections.

Mustering up all of my editorial knowledge, I immediately got to work. I carefully reviewed all of the comments, then reviewed the original text, grammar and technical information, and was unable to see where the problem lay. Then I saw it: a flaw so glaring that I was forced to rewrite the entire document. It's like one of those images that spans ten pages... you really have to take a few steps back to see the big picture.

So I rewrote the document. I did not keep anything that was already there; I rewrote every last word of it. I spent countless minutes refining, analyzing and editing this document, and at the end of the day I had one of the greatest documents the management world has ever seen.

I rewrote it using Word Art.

That's right! None of the words, nor their order, changed. I just rewrote the entire document using the incredibly cheesy Word Art that is found on most managerial documents.

And wouldn't you know, the manager loved it! My name was even brought up at their weekly staff meeting. Their entire Middle Management division has been asking me for autographs all week.

This brings up a point that all of us would be remiss to forget: management loves Word Art. In fact, Word Art, along with Visio diagrams and pie charts, are the core syntax of management's language. If you're not speaking in Word Art, then it's almost like you're speaking in French - some of the words may be familiar to your audience, but you'll still be despised, called a coward, forced to wear a mime suit and get the crap kicked out of you.