Saturday, December 30, 2006

Wii Skills are Life Skills

Yeah, you read me right - Wii skills are life skills. Here's what happened to me today:

I was mopping with a Swiffer WetJet, because my wife told me I had to, running the mop to and fro and generally just minding my own business. Every once in a while, I would remember the goal of this mopping exercise, and spray the cleaning solution to get at a really dirty spot on the floor.

Then, out of nowhere, a spider attacks!

Now most of you out there would probably have no idea how to defend yourself from a hungry spider's lunges and web attacks. But because I've been playing The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on the Wii for about 72 straight hours, I was totally prepared.

You see, in Zelda, the main character, Link, kills all kinds of crap with his sword, slingshot, bow and arrow - you name it, he's used it to kill something. And one of the creatures he has to kill is a spider.

So needless to say, I twirled my WetJet in my hands and set myself in a warrior's stance. Then I mercilessly thrust the handle, or hilt, of my mop into the spider's fangs, which just happened to be dripping with venom.

Bobby has just raised a level! Bobby is now a journeyman mopper.

So thanks again, Wii, for teaching me life skills, and for helping me to protect myself against the evil foes of Twilight.

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Other Half of the Battle

G. I. Joe says that, "Knowing is half the battle."

What he doesn't tell you, however, is that the other half of the battle is ding dong cake.

You see, to get people to like you at a new job, you have to bribe them with food. Since no one can resist ding dong cake, and since ding dong cake is, to put it technically, "yummy," a delicious bribe of chocolate cake, whipped cream, powdered sugar, chocolate icing and cream cheese will always work.

Leaving a job? Bring a ding dong cake. Your former coworkers' memories will be filled with affection, as well as longing for you to return, so they can score some more of that sweet-ass cake.

I think my current coworkers will miss my wife's baking more than me or my work. That's fine with me - in fact, that was the plan. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and the best way to launch a successful career in your chosen field is through cake.

I only hope that someone at my old job regularly speaks to someone at my new job, so they can pass on the word of the ding dong cake. I want to be met at the new job with a standing ovation.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Tuesday Night Fights

Some people get "Tennis Elbow." I have "Wii Shoulder."

Seriously, my shoulder hurts. It's just because I haven't used my right arm for several years. The Wii says I play like a 38 year-old man. I take no offense - it told Betty she was 80.

But my virtual bowling score has never been higher! Take that, Acadiana Lanes!

So here's the deal: we went out to a restaurant, drank a couple liters of margaritas, ate the place out of tortilla chips and bean dip, went home where we dressed for success, then played Nintendo Wii until it was way past our bedtime.

Don't believe me? Well, the proof is in the puddin'. Mmm... puddin'.

Playing Wii in a Treasure Island bathrobe

Betty's mom even got into it. She played the boxing game, where she unleashed attacks upon her opponent like a mother bear protecting its young. Let's just say, I'm happy she's on my side. Click here for the video - it may take a while to load. There's no sound, but the video speaks for itself. Enjoy!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas!

This might be my last post for a while - at least until I beat Zelda on my new Wii. Yes, that is correct, I am officially a Wiiner.

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes will have to wait.

Thanks, Santa!

Oh, I think I just got sick. I guess I'll have no choice but to stay home the rest of this week and just take it easy. Maybe sit on the couch. Nuke up some hot cocoa and sit back with my Wii nunchucks. Oh darn!

Wiiiiiii!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Lebanese Decisions

Me and 23 of my family members went to La Fonda's in Lafayette to celebrate all of the December birthdays in the Tanory clan. In between the fourth and fifth margaritas, my cousin Ben introduced me to a game called "Lebanese Decisions." To understand the game, you have to understand a few basic facets of my family's heritage:

1. We are of Lebanese descent.
2. We are hairy.

It's really amazing to think of all the things in my life that can be summed up with those two points of interest.

But anyway, the point of the game is, you grab a tuft of one of your fellow family member's arm hair and pull. The one who cries out in pain first is the loser. Simple enough!

After 10 margaritas at La Fonda's, I stopped feeling any pain in my arm. I also took a snooze on La Fonda's floor, but manned up and ate my fried chicken like a champ afterwards. The fried chicken made my fingers greasy, and a lot harder to grasp the arm hair of my brethren Tanorys, but persistence won the day - I am proud to announce that I made honorable mention in Lebanese Decisions!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

My Brother's 29th Birthmas

Merry Birthmas, Bro! Today you are 29, and in honor of you and your 29 years, I would like to list your 29 best attributes and/or deeds.

29. Your hair retains its shape even after hours in the pool.
28. Your hairy arms protects you from harmful UV rays.
27. The Tanory bros.' general lack of height helps us to keep a better center of gravity and out of the higher altitude's chilly winds.

26 - 5 all involve your intelligence, sense of style and that mole in the shape of Chewbacca on your back, but nobody wants to read about that. Sorry.

4. You paved the way for me to skate through life. Thanks!
3. Saving that old lady from a burglar by wrestling him and then putting him in the sleeper hold was fourth-to-none.
2. Your resistance to the unibrow is bonzer.
1. You have an incredibly awesome brother.

Merry Birthmas!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Tantrum's Christmas Letter

Dearest friends and fam,

2006 was a pretty good year for us. To start off with, In January, on New Year's Day at exactly midnight, Betty and I made out for like 2 whole minutes. We were in Dallas and/or Fort Worth with Matt and Nicolvin when this occured. We then tapdanced for money (and I scored some chapstick) in Downtown Fort Worth. Afterwards we went to bed - her on the bed and me passed out on the floor. Then, the very next day, there were some football games on and I watched them like a champ, even through my hangover.

February brought Valentine's Day. I'm sure I did something totally awesome, but I can't really remember it - it probably involved some combination of chocolate, flowers and candy, and will probably be the exact same thing I give to Betty next Valentine's Day. Spontaneous gifts are my specialty. Also in February, we went down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, which is Betty's lunar birthday. I spent most of the time dressed as the Burger King, drunk and covered in beads, while Betty dressed as a Queen and spread good cheer throughout the recovering city. I was not harassed by any angry cops this year, and was therefore only minimally frisked throughout Mardi Gras.

March brought Betty's real birthday. She got some cool stuff but we're not sharing with anybody, so back off! It was also March Madness so we watched a lot of basketball and I lost every single one of my bracket picks. George Mason sucks.

April was pretty good. On April Fool's Day I called my parents and told them Betty was preggers. They went out and bought like $2,000 worth of stuff for the baby. Then later that night I told them I was joking - ha it was great!

Oh yeah!!!

May kind of sucked. Or maybe it was okay - I don't really remember what we did so it must have not been that good. Oh wait, we went to Navarre Beach, Florida's "Best-Kept Secret." Well I guess I ruined the secret for you, but now you know. But seriously, with a population of only 233 people of median age 36.2 years, I think Ferndale is actually Florida's best-kept secret.

June was cool. Betty finished her second year of teaching and was able to stay up late at night during the summer. We spent many a crazy night reading in bed. Sometimes we stayed up late and watched NetFlix. On one occasion, we played Monopoly with friends, and I robbed the bank and won by default after everyone else quit. (Show me where it says in the rules that you can't rob the bank!)

July brought our second anniversary. Click here for explicit details. Ah you sicko! That's my wife! How dare you!!! But seriously, click here for the really good stuff.

Also in June and July we went to New York City, Washington, D.C., and Las Vegas. We had a blast! We are now officially banned from 8 bars in 5 cities - that's how we roll!

August was hot.

September brought along my sister's birthday. If you are single, in your mid-twenties to thirties, good-looking, and most importantly if my parents know your parents and approve of their parenting choices, then you might have a chance with my sister. Be warned that I'll probably still attack you anyway, regardless of your socio-economic standing. Also in September, my nephew Grant was born, and the same rules that apply to my sister will apply to any young female suitors.

October was pretty lame, except for Halloween. I dressed up as Nacho Libre, and Betty dressed up as the Hot Nun, and together we spread good cheer throughout the neighborhood.



November was great! Oh, except for the fact that my sister moved to Texas like the traitor she is. That pretty much blows. But other than that it was great. On three consecutive days, it got below 50 degrees. I blame El Nino, which by the way, lives in Texas.

December is always great. Not only is Christ's birthday celebrated in December, but so is mine! My brother's is as well, but since his birthday is much closer to Christmas, he gets birthmas gifts, which makes me happy. By the way, Merry Birthmas, broseph!

We hope 2007 is exactly 1 mo' better than 2006! My New Year's resolution is to do well at my new job. And also to finally beat Metroid Prime 2.

Santa!

Happy Holidays, from the Tanory Tantrum!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Mind Control

I love science fiction. I love those books and movies where the monster claws its way into some unlucky sap's head, devours its brain, then overtakes its body and/or re-animates it to do its own whim, especially if the parasite in question is a really bitchin alien with awesome fangs, aaarrrr!!!

But I'm sorry to tell you, brain-devouring aliens are no longer restricted to science fiction.

Actually, I'm pretty freaked out about the whole thing. I do feel pretty good in one respect, because the victims of the alien brain-eating parasite are ants.

Watch and read more about it here. I love the part where the ant is clawing at its own head, trying to stop its brain from being eaten. It would be sad, if it weren't for the fact that I regularly squash ant heads between my fingers every day.

Dear Editor

If you're like me, you're never really impressed with the "Editor." All a newspaper editor does is read the newspaper the day before it comes out - anyone can do that. Heck, I even read the newspaper in the bathroom!

It would be much cooler to call the editor of the paper the Paper President, Word Warlord or Textual Tyrant. (Alliteration is the key to a good professional title.)

But I recently saw something that changed the way I look at editing. Granted, it's editing of audio and video. But it's still editing.

Check out this guy who records a couple of drum beats, a few notes on the keyboard, and then edits it to be an incredible song.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzqumbhfxRo

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

I'm out in search of the perfect gift that "keeps on giving." And I'm not talking about a gift that I can continuously fill up again next holiday, like a jewelry box, an iTunes giftcard or a Spongebob Pez dispenser.

I'm talking about a gift that perpetuates itself, building upon itself like a white hole spitting out matter into a parallel universe.

Nanotechnology might meet my criteria for a gift that keeps on giving, as long as there are plenty strands of amino acids to sequence together. But acids and I don't get along together very well - I failed all my litmus tests in College. (Cue bad joke music.)

Maybe a box of Legos - hmmm....

Santa's red sack of toys is pretty much what I'm looking for. It would be great to be able to pick out at least one toy for the world's 6 billion people (minus the people who want to ban Christmas) and bring joy to the world. Plus my sleigh could float over traffic - schweet!

Santa must have a sophisticated way to locate toys, too, because otherwise it would take longer to sort through the entire bag than the time it would take to just go from house to house. I want Santa's sort algorithm. In digital form, please!

I want a radioactive reindeer, as well. Rudolph's nose will be like a night light, after I put his head up on my wall.

Or maybe I'll settle for the real gift that keeps on giving: Love. And maybe that Spongebob Pez dispenser.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

A New Year's Job

"Make new friends but keep the old / One is silver and the other's gold." If that is really true, I wonder if I can smelt my friends down and sell'm for cash money! What is the current selling rate for silver, anyway?

I'm starting a new job in January. I put in my two weeks at work, and thankfully everyone was happy for me.

The hardest part will be saying goodbye to the wonderful people at the coffee shop across the street. They're like family to me!

Aaron, Shannon, Wayne and I used to go get coffee every day, taking turns paying for each other in rotation. We added up the total cost of what we would spend there if we continued at our (then) current pace, and it was like $300 per person for the year. But it was well worth it.

To Gabby and Sarah, I would like to say, thank you for all of the hot and delicious cafes au lait. And the iced coffee. And the tasty lunches with salad, bread and dessert. And the Propel. And... well, you get the point.

I will miss Brew Ha Ha's tiny trash can in the expansive bathroom, which I think Wild Wayne should focus on for the next Bathroom Reporte.

Of course, Laser Tag will be right by my new office, so that kind of takes the pain away. I know they have a concession stand there - maybe I can get some coffee, then take a short jaunt into laser-enemy terrority. It's like 700 points for shooting the enemy's base. Booyah!

Thanks to everyone at my old job for the great times. We'll definitely keep in touch. And remember, you can always find me on the blog.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Joys of Shopping

I generally don't like to go shopping. If I absolutely have to buy something then I'll research it beforehand, compare all the rates online, then run into the store, grab it, check out, then go home and nap.

But for some items, like books, CDs, etc, I don't mind perusing. Oh yeah, I'm at home at B & N and Best Buy.

This is what I feel like when I find something fun.



And what upper-20's man can't help but to take a stroll down the video games isle?



Last, but not least, there's always the feeling of achievement when you finally get your hands on that perfect gift for that special someone, even if you're your own special someone.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Old and Busted

So I'm one year older, and already I'm falling apart: my knees are creaking, my back is weak, and my memories of when I was a gold medal Olympic triathalete are quickly waning.

Plus I just read this article about how you're supposed to let your doctor "take his time" when performing a colonoscopy. Can't they at least give us something to look forward to? I bet some young whippersnapper will be doing my colonoscopy - probably while his wife and hooligan children are playing their blasted music on my front lawn! By golly!

At least my last day of being 26 was fun!

To start off with, for breakfast I had a couple of tasty muffins that my beautiful and bake-tastic wife fixed up. I proved that I was now in fact a man, by stuffing five muffins into my mouth at one time, while ironing my shirt at the same time. Don't worry, I used non-starch.

I tried to gaze off into the distance at work, but my friendly coworkers had brought birthday work for my "party inbox." This gave me an opportunity to show off my new "Pimp My Cubicle" kit, complete with disco ball, Bling key, and more!

For lunch I had a Subway pizza. Apparently Subway employees aren't as artistic with pizzas as they are with sandwiches. Nevertheless, Jared would be proud.

For dinner, my in-laws took me out to DiGiulio's, which you may remember from a previous post. I had the lasagna, and it was delicious! And I totally agree with Wild Wayne's Bathroom Reporte from his time spent in the can. I'm glad that we have this great reference for future generations.

I'd like to thank all of you who you did, sent, bought or threw something to / for / at me. I really appreciate it!

And to all my friends and fam with December birthdays - Angelo, Tony, B-dabby Jabby, Matt, Nicolvin, Todd - let me just say, we have some damn fine people with December birthdays. Keep up the good work!

Monday, December 11, 2006

A Night Before Birthmas

A birthday near Christmas is called a Birthmas. A Birthmas gift is a combo birthday and Christmas gift in one. If you have a birthday in December, or even one in July but have very cheap parents, then you've probably experienced a Birthmas gift.

If you have one or more loved ones with a Birthmas this year, at least give them the joy of getting something good for a change, instead of just using half birthday / half Christmas wrapping paper on their present.

As Birthmas Babies are blessed with superhuman brain waves and cranial capacity, may I suggest the Albert Einstein Action Figure?

What, your loved one doesn't believe in relativity? (It is a theory, after all.) Why not try the Ninja Attack catapult set?

For the 40 year-old son still living at home, there's the Yoda backpack. It fits right on your back, like that scene in Empire where Luke is in the swamps with Yoda... uh... you get the point.

Then again, you could create your own Despair.com Demotivators calendar for that overly peppy kid sister with grande dreams of success in the cold, cruel corporate world.

Regardless of your choice of gift, Happy Birthmas to you and yours! Except, of course, if you have a Birthmas - then you're screwed.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

A New Addition to the Family

My wife and I have taken in a new little wonder into our midst. It's beautiful! It's wonderful!

It's TiVo!

It was originally my parents' TiVo. But after spending a day or so with my wife and me (yes, this is grammatically correct), it ended up coming home with us. Thanks, Parental Units!

I'm watching the Saints beat up on the Cowboys, and I'm composing my own ESPN game review by doing my TiVo thang with the Saints' onside kick and then Brees' pass and Devry Henderson's roll into the endzone.

For my birthday, my grandad, who is so cool that we call him G-Dad, gave me an "I Can Play Piano." I am currently rocking out to my Scooby Doo game cartridge. This game, although marketed towards 4-5 year olds, is not easy. I still have a long way to go before I am the next Ben McGehee.

Also, while in Lafayette I had a Pizza Village pizza that is the Nacho Libre of pizzas. A perfect 10! So all around it was a pretty good weekend.

Okay, gotta go, more Saints highlights to get into the mix. Go Saints!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

A Night on the Town

Saturday was like a Ding Dong, but instead of a creamy filling, it was filled with fun. For true!

We started off by eating some Grande cinnamon rolls. Not the scrawny, regular kind - the 350 calorie ones. I had two, cuz I'm still putting hair on my chest. Betty likes when I shave it into a heart shape.

Then we went to a birthday party for our pal, Angelo. Angelo turned one. He loves me, and we took many a picture together. When he's 17 I'm going to show them to his prom date, and that will solidify his chances of being home by 11 pm. It's all about team work.

Speaking of birthdays, it's my birthday on Tuesday. I've been asking for a Transformer cake for like 6 months. Transformers the movie is coming out next Summer, and I want to be the first kid on the block to have a Transformers-themed party. I will transform from a mid-20's frat boy into a graying mid-life-crisisinger, but also into a tractor. I'm an Autobot, in case you were wondering. So Betty has been working on that cake for me. If she spreads icing in a Decepticon fashion then we'll see where her true loyalties lie.

We also hit up Jamie and Ben's engagement party. They're both in Med School - one or more may be interning, but that counts as Med School for me. The party was catered, and the chef is going to be opening is own Tapas restaurant in Lafayette soon. I don't know what Tapas are, but if they were what I was eating tonight then I'll be his favorite customer.

Lastly we went to La Fonda (which stands for "The Fonda"), where we saw my uncles Jim and Danny. It's Winter, so it's like 40 degrees in Louisiana. But seeing as how my Uncle Danny is from Minnesota, it felt like summer to him. So we were in 8 layers of clothing plus Long Johns, and he was in Bermuda Shorts. It just goes to show all you retailers, Bermuda Shorts are fashionable all year long.

That was all that happened to me today. Seriously, that was it. If you've had a crazy day, either leave a comment or get your own blog!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I'm a Fan of Manualism!

I have a special power: I can squeeze air through my hands to produce beautiful music, or more often than not, a fart-like sound.

I used to think that my powers of hand-farting were for humor only. But today I found out that there's a name for a person who can squeeze music through his hands: a manualist.

Think about it! If you're a CPA, you can sign your emails, "Your Name, CPA." If you're a doctor, you can sign your mortgage payments, "Dr. Your Name, Ph.D."

Now that I'm a manualist, I have now earned myself a suffix. Now I just have to think of a good acronym. I'll play a personalized solo for anyone who leaves a nice three or four-letter suffix suggestion as a comment.

Maybe I can start my own society! I can be the manualists' leader! FEAR ME, HUMANS!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I'm a Fan of Man!

People take sports way too seriously. I mean, sure, I wouldn't be thrilled about a known LSU fan cheering for any team other than LSU, but I certainly wouldn't try to maim or kill someone who did. At least not in the stadium.

And I wouldn't mind partying with some of the fans of the other SEC teams. Take this Arkansas Razorback fan - he's got an open invitation to the next Tantrum Tailgate party.

I won't even hold a grudge against you bastards who went to Lafayette High - you couldn't help which high school you went to. I'll still party with you, too. All's forgiven!

The point is, people just want the same thing in life: to live, to love, and to cheer for their favorite team, regardless of nationality, race, gender, creed or favorite blog. Let's be civil.

(This post excludes all fans of the following schools: Tulane, ULL, Georgia, Texas, Texas A&M, USC, Notre Dame, Florida, South Carolina, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, and all current and future LSU opponents.)

The Wii and Me

I think people who buy the Nintendo Wii (pronounced, "we"), should be called wiiners (pronounced, "weiners").

I'm really excited for the Wii, but I'm going to wait until it's at least 6 months old before I buy one. First, I want the price of the system and the current games to go down. Second, I don't want to change its diapers.

The whole idea of a new type of controller (called the wiimote) is cool and all, but I think Nintendo should have brought back the Power Glove. There was only one game you could play with it, and that game blew chunks. But that's not the Power Glove's fault. Hate the game, not the playa!

The current Nintendo sports games include bowling, boxing, golf, baseball. Boxing could definitely use some Power Glove action. Baseball would be enhanced with the Power Glove - just slap an infared thingy on that sucker, then you could use one glove as your actual glove, and use another for throwing action.

Plus you won't accidentally throw your wiimote and break your TV with a Power Glove.

Or I guess you could go outside and play. But, after looking at the Louisiana State Police's Sex Offender / Child Predator Database, it may be better to just buy your kid or spouse a Wii / PS3 / XBox and keep him or her safely indoors.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Oh Fudge!

Fudge is such a tasty treat around Christmas, that I think it deserves its own blog post. Here's to you, fudge! And here's to the people that make the fudge, too!

I'd also like to thank all the other people in the fudge-making process, especially the people who actually package the fudge.

Fudge packers play a vital role in the entire fudge microcosm. Without fudge packers, there would be no way to ship the tasty and delicious fudge, and thus no way for me to enjoy it. A debt of gratitude is surely owed to these fine and wonderful people.

I think a better medium for giving thanks to fudge packers is to show the documentary, "Billy's Dad is a Fudge Packer." Please enjoy.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Don't Mess with Soccer Players

Baton Rouge Chief of Police Jeff LeDuff dropped by my work today to give a presentation about Personal Safety. Chief LeDuff was a great speaker, was very entertaining, and at times gave some frightening insight into the criminal mind.

But the one thing he really helped me out with was figuring out why World Cup soccer players always fall to the ground holding their ankles, then are back in the game after the next whistle.

Seriously, stick with me on this one.

If a person were to attack you, what would you do? Chief LeDuff says one thing you could try is to kick him or her in the ankles. If you run your hand down the outside of your shin, all the way down to your ankle, while moving your foot up and down, you'll feel a couple of ligaments there. Those ligaments are connected to some of the largest nerves in your body.

When you kick someone - such as like an intruder, a mugger, or a World Cup soccer player - in the ankles, the nerves do some pretty funky stuff. For starters, the nerves in the afflicted leg go all the way up to the spinal cord, where your spinal cord tells your leg, "Ouch!" But also, those particular nerves run through both legs, and if you kick a person hard enough in the ankle, the spine doesn't know which leg has been kicked. In that instance, it tells both of your legs, "Dammit, ouch!" Then both legs go down, giving you a couple of seconds to get out of harm's way.

So ladies, protect yourself by practicing some soccer-style kicks to the ankle.

The Food Pyramid Conspiracy

Nutritionists are dumb. Let's review the facts.

The so-called "Food Pyramid" is not a pyramid at all. It's a triangle - any toddler can tell you that. But nutritionists seem to think that this two-dimensional figment of their imagination has a base and sides. WRONG. What dream world do you live in?! Do shapes, math and the physical universe have different aspects in your workplace?

Nutritionists feel as though their "curriculum" is more important than geometry, trigonometry, and dare I say it, theology. Well I have news for you, heathen nutritionist scum: I'm on to you, and not in the way that you probably want me to be on to you.

Yeah, so the updated food pyramid has vertical lines and different colors. Big deal. You might try to use these demarcated colorings as sides that you could fold if you so desired. But it still doesn't have a base, and a base is necessary for a pyramid. You can look it up if you borrow your child's gemoetry book. Also, since each color is not the same width, you'd have a pretty funky pyramid even if you could fold it up.

The updated food pyramid also now has steps along one side, apparently to indicate that exercise is necessary. So really the food pyramid of old was really just a subset of the total food pyramid - now we're supposed to eat people exercising, too. I guess you'll have to get a gym membership, or maybe you can hang out by the Baton Rouge lake like all the other hoodlums. The stairs make the pyramid look like a temple. Maybe it's a subliminal message to worship the math-aggrieved nutritionists.

Speaking of triangles, some pizza sounds good right now. Maybe the food pyramid is good for something after all!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Sports Review

Here with a new column is Bobby the Chief Sports Correspondent, with "A Day in Sports."

A Day in Sports

It was a good day for Sports. Sports officially beat out Academics, Lawn Care and Work for the activity most performed, spectated or emotionally involved in for the past week.

For starters, LSU has been given the go-ahead to gang bang Notre Dame in the Allstate Sugar Bowl. Sales of lubricant in Indiana have sky-rocketed.

Florida has been tapped for the BCS Championship game. Rex Grossman, former Gator quarterback and now the QB for the Chicago Bears, posted an incredible 1.3 QB rating on Sunday. That's, like, the worst rating that's ever been given, in all of history, even since medieval times. But Da Bears still won. Go SEC!

In other news, I just learned that the Big 10 conference has 11 teams. Apparently this has been known since 1990. So for the past 16 years, students have been going to a university that can't even count to 10 correctly. No wonder Ohio State raises two fingers when shouting "We're #1!"

In a related story, in an effort to get an in-depth review of a new sports movie, I tried to go see "We Are Marshall." But then I figured it would suck and came up with this witty one-liner: "We Aren't Marshall." So I instead decided to go see the ice-skater Sasha Cohen in "Borat." She was brilliant, by the way.

That's it for A Day in Sports. Check us out next time, when there is some interesting sports news to report.

Second City

As we're always trying to discover ways to make Baton Rouge suck less, on Saturday Betty and I went to the Shaw Center for the Arts to see a performance by The Second City.

The Second City is an improvisational comedy troupe based out of Chicago, although they have satellite troupes all over the US. Second City is also one of the main sources of comedians for Saturday Night Live. Check out the list of people that have come out of Second City - it's pretty impressive.

The performance was the "Dysfunctional Holiday Revue." One of my favorite sketches was when a guy tries to get a girl to make out with him in a car by telling her that they could die at any moment, and convinces her to seize the day. Another especially good sketch was the catchy song, "Why Does Everybody Hate the White Man?" The cast also sang a bunch of Holiday Carols about hating each holiday and wanting to be left alone.

But I think my favorite sketch was a "high school play" in which every religious, offensive or sensitive political element was either removed or fully explained. "Hark, here comes three wise men - we're not saying that there is anything wrong with three single men riding alone together in the desert, nor that men are wiser than women."

So Baton Rouge's Suck Ratio was lessened due to the Shaw Center and Second City. I think that's something we can all toast a little eggnog to.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Members Only

I am not ashamed to say it: I love my Members Only jacket.

The main reason I love it is because it keeps me warm. Yes, I know people make fun of it and me. Yes, I realize it was a fad in the 80's. And yes, I realize that it's taboo to wear something solely for comfort, but that's how I roll.

But it's quite possibly the most comfortable jacket I own. Did I mention that it keeps me warm when it's cold outside? That's really all I'm looking for in a jacket: something to keep me warm. I'm all about function over form.

It used to be acceptable for a man to dress like a bum, and just let women spend $400 on uncomfortable shoes (as seen in Sex in the City - you know you watched that episode, don't play dumb with the Tantrum!) then remove their shoes an hour later after they get "uncomfortable," and then all us men would first laugh at the stupidity of the whole thing, then cry because that money used to be in our wallets before our wives got a hold of it.

But now that Metrosexuality has come into play, the rules have changed.

That's why I'm proud to wear my Members Only jacket. Plus, nobody wants to steal it.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Anne Geddesburg Address

I am always trying to create a new product that will overtake the world and make me rich without me actually having to work for the rest of my life. Today I have found one that will conquer all, patents and copyright lawsuits pending:

The Anne Geddesburg Address line of products.

We could dress babies up in Civil War-era clothing, give them some formula bottles modified to look like muskets, then let them crawl out into a field. The ones who cry the loudest can be Yankees or Rebels, depending on who your niche market is at the moment.

Think about it! Women love the Anne Geddes collection of babies who have been dressed up in animal outfits, flower costumes, etc. And men love war and inspiring speeches, especially speeches related to war, such as the Gettysburg Address. So why not combine these two loves to become one? Children of all ages and genders would love this product, not only because it already has elements that both would enjoy, but it would also have clothing accessories (for the girls) and weapons upgrades (for the guys).

The cartoon based on this product would show children how to sew your own clothing, as well as how to track your enemies in the forest. Knowing is half the battle!

Here are some samples from our first calendar:

Example 1

Example 2

Example 3

Brassifrass

Thursday night my wife and I went to the Shaw Center, to see a Jazz Collective presented by John Gray. Doug Gay, who is a teacher at my wife's school, owns a business called the Baton Rouge School of Music, and the concert was to help raise money for this school as well as to promote music education.

I went because I was told we were going to see the Andy Pizzo Project, who rocks your socks off (unless you are not wearing socks, in which case, they rock your feet until they are perfectly pedicured). The majority of the show, however, was led by John Gray, who plays the trumpet. He was well worth the ticket price.

(The Andy Pizzo Project did make an appearance. You remember the Andy Pizzo Project - they're the band whose lead singer is a huge tromboner.)

The Michael Foster Project also made an appearance. Michael Foster, whom they call The Gov'nah, plays the tuba, and led a great rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In. Foster's latest album is called "Weapons of Brass Destruction." No Iraqi women or children were hurt during the song.

Ernest Jackson sang on a couple of songs as well. Someone said that Ernest Jackson is Randy Jackson's brother (you know who Randy Jackson is, right dog?), but I can't verify that. Either way, he was great.

But the best part of the night was when we first walked to our table, where we passed the bar. The bartender was none other than the waitress at the Cat House who spilled my field peas down her shirt. Yowsah! She even remembered the event. I guess I made an impression on her - or my field peas did. Maybe veggies can come in handy.

Other notable things that happened on Thursday:

I found a cup of milk that my wife left in my car. Apparently the milk was like a week old. We were able to pour it out onto the street, and it was perfectly curdled. It didn't even splat! It was awesome.

Avoid the fountains at the Shaw Center when it's cold and windy. We made the mistake of walking by the fountains on our way into the show, and got a face full of freezing water for all our troubles.