Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween '07 Recap

Halloween this year was a blast! To kick it off, I borrowed a Nomex suit from my father-in-law, added a red cape and some yellow fabric letters, sprinkled a dash of 'tude, baked at 350 for 20 minutes and then enjoyed my Hot Rod outfit.

Pre-mustache Hot Rod outfit.

Oh yeah, then I added my mustache. I couldn't find my fake mustache, so I ended up using an eyebrow from a "devil's facial hair" set that I had laying around. It's good to be a pack rat!

Post-mustache Hot Rod outfit.

Since Hot Rod is a stunt man, I knew that I would probably do at least one death-defying stunt during the day. So I made sure to stretch early and often.

Click for 'The Stretch.'

And of course, when you dress up in a cape, there's always the chance that you'll get mistaken for a superhero. Because of this, I worked on my Judo Chop to make sure that I could destroy any arch-nemesis at first sight.

Click for 'Judo Chop!'

My cape says ROD, by the way. You'd know this if you saw Hot Rod, which I know you didn't, because Betty and I were the only two people in Louisiana to see it. It's coming out on DVD soon - be sure to check it out! My costume will be so much funnier once you rent Hot Rod.

Click for 'ROD.'

This is me and my buddy Randall at work. Randall dressed up as Rick James. We're both super freaks.

Me and my buddy Randall at work.


Now onto the good stuff!

For Halloween night, my wife dressed as an oven (with a bun in it) and I dressed as the baker.

Click for 'Bob and Betty, Baker and Bun.'

The kids thought I was the chef from Ratatouille. If that's what makes the kids happy, that's fine with me.

Click for 'Bob the Baker.'

Betty's a Lovin' Oven!

Click for 'Betty's the Lovin Oven.'

The oven actually worked. It had a timer and everything! The art teacher at her school made it - isn't it awesome?!

Click for 'Oven Part 2.'

Our friends Matt and Nicole came over to scare kids with us. Matt was a cross between an Old School character and the Ladies' Man. Or something. I'm not sure what he was but he looked good with that 'fro. He even pulled candy out of his wig to give to the kids.

Click for 'Matt's Costume'

Nicole was something to do with a bridesmaid's dress and high heel shoes.

Click for 'Nicole's Costume'

I scooped candy from a big bowl into the kids' bags. I think I dropped more candy than actually got bagged. Here's me practicing my world famous scoop on Matt. Bam!

Click for 'The Scoop.'

The only bad thing about Halloween is that I now have to wait an entire year to dress up again and scare kids. Why can't Halloween be every day?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Halloweening 101

Halloween is really the only time of year that it's acceptable for kids to disguise themselves in dark clothing, knock on people's doors at night, demand some sort of payment and threaten to dole out punishments to those who don't answer their door or give up the goods. Halloween should be called Extortion 101.

And it is for this reason that, as an adult, it is my sworn duty to scare the living crap out of the children of my street so that they think twice about knocking on my door at any other time of year and soliciting girl scout cookies, raffle tickets, etc. Once kids see that you're willing to throw money at them on any random day, it's only a matter of time before they want the rest of your money.

You think your neighbor's kids are vampires only on Halloween? They'll suck your assets dry before the next fund raiser if you let them!

That's why I usually set up a duck blind outside of my front door every Halloween and wait to scare children. You have to be very patient and wait for the perfect moment to pounce. But generally speaking, it's really not hard to scare kids nowadays - they're a bunch of softies. And once you get them running, they're usually so fat and out of shape that they run out of breath by the end of the driveway. At that point you just have to watch out for parents, otherwise you've got yourself a new stash of goodies and a kid leaving a trail of tears from your house. Bingo!

So remember, the next time your neighbors' kids come dressed as Ewoks and fairy princesses, stop for a couple of seconds and think about the long-term ramifications of giving into their demands for candy. All Halloween does is teach youngsters that extortion is profitable. It's so much better for everyone involved if you just scare kids into staying home. And more fun, too! Try it this year - I'm sure you'll agree.

Monday, October 29, 2007

First Pregnancy Picture

Here it is, the first pregnancy picture to appear on the Tantrum! Here's a picture of "the belly." I'm so happy to be able to share this with all of you! Keep in mind, this is only after 12 weeks. The belly isn't very big yet but you can definitely see that there's a baby in there. Hi there little baby!!!

We'll post more pictures as the baby continues to grow. Fun!

I would just post the picture straight on the blog, but Betty asked that I put it behind a link so that people who randomly come to the blog won't see it. So here's the link to the picture. Enjoy!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Shopping Cart Rage

I have a new affliction. It's called "Shopping Cart Rage." And it may have saved my wife and unborn child from serious harm.

It all started when we were in Target shopping for hot dogs. It was just us and a bunch of chilled wieners in the back of the store. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a woman turned left from Aisle 5 at full speed! The woman's cart was filled to the brim with bran cereal and was completely out of control.

Worst of all, the cart was heading straight for my pregnant wife! I had to do something!

The woman pushing the cart was on her cell phone. Of course. This woman, apparently not content enough to cause havoc on the road with her indecision and inability to follow proper driving procedures, was about to be the catalyst of what I call an "Aisle 5 collision."

"Look out!" I yelled to Betty. Betty jumped to the side while the other woman just kept coming, head down - not even looking where she was going!

I took off running towards Betty and dove in front of the oncoming cart. On the ground, staring down the headlights of a bran cereal-laden cart, I used my superhuman strength and agility to snag a Paul Newman sausage link from the display and flung it at the crazy cart woman. It hit her right in her big, fat, bran-ugly face, and she and her cart came to a complete stop mere feet from my wife's belly.

The woman just looked at me, then at my wife, then back at me. She adjusted her glasses, which were hanging askew after being smacked in the face with Paul Newman's large sausage.

I was enraged! My hate and anger could have cooked all of the sausage on the aisle. I grabbed a backup sausage link just in case this looked like it would get ugly.

It was then that she understood the ramifications of her actions. A tear came to her eyes, and she dropped her phone on the ground. When she bent to pick up her phone, she thought better of it and got down on her knees and knelt to my wife for forgiveness.

I put the backup sausage aside and helped the woman to her feet. I explained to her that, when we are in the store, we are to pay attention where we push our cart, keep our heads up, and look out for women and children. I also reminded her to look both ways before making a blind turn out of the junk food aisle.

The woman didn't have her insurance on her so we exchanged coupons. I got her coupon for the bran cereal, and she got our expired coupon for baked Cheetos. I then filed a report with the rent-a-cop in Target, who, after a long and complicated argument with the crazy cart lady, just decided to taser her into submission. Needless to say, this particular woman will look before she sausages next time.

State of the Reunion Address

My family reunion was surprisingly a lot of fun. It was great to see everybody and to hear all about their lives over the past couple of years. Also, I was able to secretly gather new material for my blog. Bingo!

Take, for instance, my cousin Jeremy. Jeremy lives up near Seattle. He is my oldest cousin on my dad's side of the family, and because of that (and other reasons) he was always the cousin I looked up to the most. Jeremy played football for Washington State, he was the first person I knew who had a Guns N Roses album back in '88 (it was a tape but it was still awesome), and he used trendy words like "wicked" that had yet to make it to down to Louisiana from the West Coast. All of this, plus a lot of other things that I don't have time to get into, combined to make him a giant in my eyes.

So it's with great sorrow and regret that I absolutely must post this video of Jeremy betting his friend that he could outrun him in a 75-yard dash, only to pull his hamstring ten feet into the race. To rub salt on the wound, not only did he hurt himself, but he then had to pay $50 to the guy who won the race. On top of all of that, I am displaying the video for all to see. Sorry, Jeremy, but you're just the first casualty from the family reunion. There will be many, many more.

We should really have a family reunion every year. I need the material!

Enjoy!



Here's a link to the video.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Picture Pages

So I'm back in Lafayette for my Unibrow Convention and between catching up with the entire family, eating until I explode, passing out in a sugar coma, then waking up and beating my family at poker, this the first time I've got to sit down at a computer.

My family wants me to go shower so the girls (and my brother) can have two uninterrupted hours of primp time in the bathroom, so I can't get a full blog out today. So instead I'll just post a slide show of some of my favorite pictures from this past year or so. Enjoy!



Oh, I've also got a quick Halloween update. My wife came up with a great idea for us - she's going to dress up like an oven (b/c she's got a bun in the oven), and I'm going to dress up like a baker. Woo!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Family Reunion

I'm going to a family reunion this weekend. Usually what happens at these things is that we first all say hi to each other, then we eat, then we congratulate each other on growing out an ultra-think unibrow, and then we all dance in a big circle and throw plates on the floor. Opah!

Then we eat again, because dancing makes us hungry!

My family is of Lebanese descent, and we have a special game that we play called "Lebanese Decisions." This game is played just like Chess, but instead of moving pieces around on a board and using strategy to defeat your opponent, we just pull each other's arm hair until someone gives up. If nobody wins after three minutes, then we pull each other's unibrow.

My family is also short. We always know who is not a blood relative because we can usually pick their heads out over everybody else. They're always the tall ones with two distinct eyebrows and/or blond hair.

So tonight I will be brushing my eyebrow exactly 100 times and then slicking my arms with hair gel so that I will look my best when I make my Lebanese Decisions. Opah!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Scavenger Hunt Update

I want to thank everyone who has helped me gather loot for my office's scavenger hunt! Your help is so much appreciated!

Just imagine how you'll be able to tell your grandchildren that I was able to crush my coworkers into oblivion with my incredible tally of hard-to-find items, and that you helped! You'll be famous! You'll be accomplices to the biggest scavenger hunt blowout in modern history!

My office is also having a costume contest, and there's a theme: Hollywood. So I need ideas on what I can be that is Hollywood-ish. I was thinking that I would dress myself up as the big mountain with the Hollywood sign on it, that way I wouldn't fit in my cubicle and so I wouldn't have to do any work. I think we have a winner!

Or I might be one of those guys who sells Star Maps. I can stand on a box outside of the Accounting department and give away maps of our buildings with all of the division heads' cubicles circled in red.

I was also thinking of being the "Boom Guy" from SNL - he's the guy who holds the "boom" or microphone and ultimately smacks people in the face with it. I'm just the right guy for this costume.

If you have any good Hollywood-themed ideas, please drop me a line! Again, thanks for all the help!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Worst Buy

Never piss off a pregnant woman.

I knew this, of course. I've done just about everything you can possibly do to piss off a pregnant woman and have paid the price, so you can take my advice on this one. My wife, who is preggers, can vouch for me. How my wife has put up with me for so long, I can only guess... maybe it's so she has more time to take out extra insurance policies on me before she has me whacked.

Love ya, honey!

Anyway, the reason you should not piss off a pregnant woman is because of a little thing called "Rage Mode."

Rage Mode is pretty simple to describe. Imagine you've pissed your wife off in the usual way (use your imagination - I'm sure you can think of something). Get the image firmly in your mind. You've got the red face, the finger pointing, ear-splitting screeching, claw marks and maybe a vase or two flying by your head. Got it? Great!

Now imagine your wife somehow has an extra keg-full of Estrogen and steroids in her body, and she has suddenly turned into a cannibal with razor-sharp fangs and talons and that you look pretty tasty at the moment. See what I mean? Rage Mode is deadly.

Before tonight I had only seen my wife in Rage Mode twice before: once when I tied her hair back with scotch tape when she was sick because I was too lazy to manually hold her hair back, and once when we had issues with Wells Fargo and my wife verbally bitch-slapped the manager in charge of PMI at Wells Fargo. I still get chills about that night.

But my wife hit full-blown Rage Mode tonight at Best Buy, and with good reason.

Our previous receiver (aka, home theater) blew up. Literally. We were watching Season 3 of the Sopranos when the DVD player stopped, smoke started coming out of the receiver and the room started to smell like ozone. We got our DVD out and then pulled the plug on our receiver after getting an expert opinion on its expected life span.

I've been researching receivers and I decided on the Panasonic SC-PT650. It seemed to have everything I wanted - a 5-disc DVD player, a dock for the iPod, XM satellite radio capacities (for when Sirius and XM merge), etc. But when I got to Best Buy, they only had one left and it was an "open item."

I bought it anyway. I got a 4 year warranty on it because my previous one had exploded, and figured if anything was wrong with it or missing then I would just get Best Buy to replace it. But when I got home and started sifting through the parts, I noticed that the iPod dock was missing. Okay, not a big deal, but it ticked me off because one of the reasons I bought the receiver in the first place was for the iPod dock. I checked the "Open Item" tag for the "Parts Missing" checkbox, and it was unchecked. Someone at Best Buy made a boo-boo.

So I called the store and they told me they couldn't give me the iPod dock on its own, even though I had the 4 year warranty. They wouldn't just ship me one, either. They told me to bring the entire unit back. So I called Best Buy's 1-888 number and told them my sob story, then asked if they could just ship me the part. I had the 4 year warranty, didn't I?! They told me that I could either bring the entire unit back to the store or wait a month until the in-store warranty expired and then call them back, at which time they may or may not give me the dock. In their words, they couldn't "replace" it because I didn't have it in the first place so there was nothing to replace, and that my best bet was to truck on back to the store.

So okay, these things happen. It was an open item so I expected to have at least one issue. I figured that if I showed up in person, lugging this big stupid box around and bitched a little bit that I would at least get my stinkin' iPod dock.

So back to Best Buy we go. When we get to the Customer Service desk, I tell the guy my issue and he raised his arms and said there was nothing he could do. In his opinion, we bought an open item and it was "as is," and if it was missing parts then that was my problem. I pointed out that the "Parts Missing" checkbox wasn't checked, and he apologized for that but said that I had bought it. So I said that was false advertising - I bought a product that I thought was complete, that they said was complete, and wasn't. He then said he wouldn't give us a "free" iPod dock, to which I pointed out that it wasn't free if I paid for it and didn't get it.

Trying to be reasonable, I asked about other options - could he check in the back for another Panasonic of the same model? Or make any effort whatsoever? No. He said he wouldn't sell a new one for the price I got on mine, which was only $15 cheaper than the list price. In his words, he said he would not lose money because someone in his department screwed up.

What a dick. His department screws up and somehow it's the customer's fault. He was on the defensive from the very beginning. What ever happened to customer service?

I have a bad temper and can't stand rude assholes. So I told the guy that he can take the receiver and shove it up his big fat ass, and that I would take a refund and go to Circuit City and never go back to Best Buy, and once again reiterated the need for him to shove the entire 5.1 1000 watt receiver up his big fat shiny black ass.

But it was clear that I wasn't getting anywhere. So after a couple more minutes of us going back and forth, my wife stepped up in front of the Best Buy home theater manager. Queue the surround sound.

I wish I could bottle my wife's rage, because I would throw it at people I don't like and watch them disintegrate into dust. The manager immediately backed off. He knew what he was dealing with: a pissed-off, hormonal, pregnant, tired and hungry woman who just wanted to get out of the damn store with an iPod dock that we had already paid for. The manager ran to the back and grabbed one, then sprinted back and handed it to me without a word. He didn't apologize for being a dick, and we didn't care. We left.

After all that, I set it all up and it's a piece of shit. I'm taking it back and going to Circuit City. Best Buy? More like the Worst Buy.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Harry Potter Character Infatuated with Wands

J.K. Rowlings, author of the Harry Potter books, recently announced that the headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, is gay.

Rowlings explained that Dumbledore was "smitten with" (aka, gay for) Gellert Grindelwald, a dark wizard with whom Dumbledore once planned a benign dictatorship over non-magical humans but eventually had to kill after Grindelwald turned to the dark side.

In the books, Grindelwald finds the Elder Wand, a long, thick, throbbing wand that gives the wielder immense powers. Dumbledore wanted Grindelwald's wand so bad that he killed him for it. As the saying goes, you always hurt the ones you love.

[Picture of Dumbledore at the Gay Pride parade on 5th Avenue]

Most people already assumed that Dumbledore was gay simply because he was English. But Ultra-Christians - who hate anything to do with combining witchcraft with children's literature and who also hate homosexuality - can now combine their love of hating these two facets of heathenism in their quest to remove all Harry Potter books from school libraries.

But while people are making a big deal about Dumbledore being gay, nobody seems to make a big deal about Grindelwald being gay. That might be because everyone already knew that Grindelwald was homosexual, as hinted to in the following passage from Harry Potter and the Death Hallows:

Grindelwald turned on his heels and stormed into his closet, where he threw aside several pairs of shoes and brightly colored pants in an effort to find the item he desired: a pink shirt that read, "I'm not gay but my Muggle boyfriend is." Properly attired, Grindelwald brushed his lavish, shoulder-length hair exactly 100 times, then stared at his reflection and whispered vehemently, "That bitch is sooo gonna get it!" (Page 758)


How Dumbledore will be remembered is still left to history. Many Harry Potter fans are happy with the announcement, but previous gay geniuses who have helped to save the world from evil were cheered while a war against Evil was ongoing but reviled afterwards.

Alan Turing, the gay father of computer science, propounder of the algorithm and artificial intelligence, and head of England's Bletchley Park which broke Germany's Enigma-encrypted codes during WWII, committed suicide after being outcast from society because being homosexual was illegal in England at the time. Also, the Spartans are known to have been gay, and the USC Spartans continue to manifest the homosexuality of the men who stood up to the Persians at Thermopylae.

Mrs. Rowlings is expected to announce Dolores Umbridge, another character in the Harry Potter series, as being a lesbian feminazi later this week.

Great Moments in LSU Tiger Baiting

There were 10 seconds left in the LSU vs. Auburn game with LSU down by 1 when it happened:

I pulled the tendon in my right shoulder.

The clock was ticking, LSU was down 23-24, and our chance at a national title was in jeopardy. Tired, hurt, and desperate, I knew I had to "man up" and persevere. My team needed me! This was football - there's no crying in football! (Unless you get hit by Glenn Dorsey, then it's OK to cry.)

Just at the that moment, an Auburn fan started to walk up the steps past my section. I knew that my team needed the strength of my cheer, and that I had to demoralize Auburn in any way I could. My shoulder, broken and inflamed, could barely be used. But I took one for the team, and slowly raised my right arm, pointed it at the Auburn player, and slowly started to karate chop in his direction while screaming, "Tiger bait! Tiger bait! Tiger bait!"

It's all about leaving it on the field.

I knew that LSU would win by a miraculous pass to Demetrius Byrd with 1 second remaining, because we had brought our Good Luck Charm - my cousin. It was my cousin's first game, and we told her that she had two choices: she could be the Good Luck Charm and be invited to every game, or she could be the Bad Luck Charm, cause us to lose, and walk the 8 miles home alone.

It's a good thing we won, otherwise this ultimatum would have caused some serious psychological damage to my pre-teen cousin.

Armed with a Good Luck Charm and my amazing Tiger Baiting abilities, LSU won the game and the dreams of another national title are still alive. Now I just need to know if I should be icing my shoulder, putting heat on it, alternating ice and heat, or should I just use my shoulder as an excuse to not have to do any work today?

Friday, October 19, 2007

Throwing the Red Flag

I'm watching the Louisville vs. UConn football game, and something pretty ridiculous just happened. Louisville punted the ball, and the UConn receiver waved for a fair catch, then caught the ball and started running. All of the Louisville players stopped playing - because of the fair catch signal - and UConn ended up scoring a touchdown.

The fair catch is not reviewable in college football, so the play stands as called (or miscalled). And it's completely obvious that the guy called for a fair catch. But what's not obvious is why this play is not reviewable.

I'm throwing the red flag out on both NCAA and NFL football. Each coach has a certain amount of times that they can ask for a play to be reviewed, so why does it matter what play is reviewed, or what aspect of the play is reviewed? Let the coaches use their reviews however they want to use them! What do you care? If the coach wants to review whether or not the cheerleader on the far side of the field had a wedgie, what right do you have to tell him no?

The commentators said that Louisville should have played until they heard a whistle, which is what I think most coaches would have said. But let's face it, if the Louisville player would have smacked the guy returning the punt after he called for a fair catch then he definitely would have been penalized. And as for playing until you hear a whistle, LSU was penalized after a player hit Florida's quarterback as he was running out of bounds, before any whistle blew. Where's the consistency?

To make things worse, UConn kicked off to Louisville and the Louisville guy ran the ball back 60 yards or so, and the refs threw a flag for holding. Where's the make-up call? You couldn't let one go after blowing an obvious call, you stupid zebras?! Who is refereeing the refs?

Just a quick note, I didn't bet on this game nor do I really care about the outcome. I just like bitching about referees. I feel so much better now. But don't worry, I'm saving up some of my bitch-fest for the LSU vs. Auburn game.

Chance of rain in Tiger Stadium? Never! Chance of me getting kicked out for calling the ref a Chinese piece of shit? 90%.

(Note: UConn just punted and the ball hit a Louisville player's arm (making it a live ball), then a UConn player grabbed the ball at the goal line. But the refs gave the ball back to Louisville, even after replays clearly showed that the ball touched a Louisville player. So apparently the first bad call has since been avenged. Just for the record, the refs still suck.)

Scavenger Hunt

My work is putting on a scavenger hunt for Halloween. The employees are divided into teams and each team can win cash and prizes for bringing in the most loot from the list below. If you have one or more of these items, please let me know! All items will be returned except for the David Hasselhoff CD - that one I'm keeping!

Some items pertain to my office or my group - but I left those on here so you can see what's on the list. Items in italics have already been found.

  1. Movie ticket stub from the Star Wars Episode III or from Titanic- extra points for both.

  2. Kathleen Blanco bumper sticker, pen, etc. from campaign

  3. Hurricane Katrina t-shirt

  4. 2006 Holiday Party invitation from my office

  5. 2004 Heart Walk t-shirt

  6. Plush toy dog from Raising Canes

  7. Receipt from either Bass Pro Shop or Cabellas from another city/state - NOT from the new one in Gonzales

  8. Eagle Scout Badge

  9. Snap shot (not a computer image) of The Samuel Clemens Steamboat that used to be docked in Baton Rouge

  10. Deck of cards from any Baton Rouge casino (with hole in the center)

  11. Postcard from Greece or Italy

  12. LNB Bank logo

  13. A heart-shaped box of Valentine candy (full or empty)

  14. Beanie Baby "Candy Cane" the Bear - 2007 - Hallmark Exclusive

  15. All team members, dressed as cheerleaders (guys too) singing "Oh Mickey" in front of our fountain.

  16. Original newspaper article when Mike V passed away- not a printout from an online article.

  17. VHS of the Disney movie Snow White

  18. Picture of any team member on stage with the band Long Neck Society

  19. VHS or DVD of Escape from Witch Mountain (I think this should be Escape to Witch Mountain)

  20. Souvenir from "Dollywood"

  21. Discount tag from any Baton Rouge grocery store or video store that is out of business

  22. Matchbook from restaurant in Destin, FL.

  23. Matches or napkin as wedding favor - must have couples name and date

  24. Picture of any team member at Fun Fair Park on a ride

  25. Maracas

  26. Monkees vinyl album - not a CD or Cassette

  27. Michael Vick football card

  28. Baton Rouge Business Report any one from the year 2003

  29. "Hello Kitty" Lunch box

  30. Sonny and Cher vinyl album, not a CD or cassette

  31. 1973 Hallmark Christmas ornament - extra points if it is still in the box

  32. Last three years (04 - 06) scavenger hunt lists from my office

  33. Wheaties Box with Peyton Manning on the cover

  34. Anything with a logo on it from Polk Chevrolet

  35. A magnetic letter of the alphabet

  36. 5 1/4 inch floppy disc.

  37. A wooden egg

  38. A tiara

  39. A Darth Vader Pez dispenser

  40. Fuzzy Dice

  41. A Cadbury Creme egg

  42. A Krispy Kreme hat

  43. One of the books from the Chronicles of Narnia series

  44. A furby

  45. Magic 8 Ball

  46. Movie on laser disc

  47. David Hasselhoff CD

  48. Coon skin cap

  49. Pair of jellies (the shoes)

  50. 5 Stephen King books with different titles (paper backs only)

  51. A parking ticket from LSU campus police

  52. Retired Crayola crayon color "Magic Mint"

  53. Tell us where the 1st Wal-Mart in Baton Rouge was located and the year it opened

  54. Any page from "The State Times" (newspaper ceased operation in 1991)

  55. Glass from the Pastime Lounge - special edition made for the 2005 American Bowling Congress Tournament

Thanks for all your help!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Lost: Black and White-Striped Personal Information

Did you go to college in Louisiana? If so, did you have a student loan or were a participant in the TOPS program? Or perhaps you created a START account for a child?

Congratulations on your achievements! By the way, your personal data was stolen.

The State sends backup data to a company called Iron Mountain, and neither the State nor Iron Mountain can find the backups of all of the data used when applying for loan information. If you want to check on whether you are affected by this, go to this site:

https://osfantweb.osfa.state.la.us/Notice.nsf/

(As of 10:15 pm Wednesday night this particular page was down, but hopefully it will be back up when you read this.)

If your data has been stolen, or if you're just in the mood to have creditors call you direct before opening up an account in your name, then you might want to call or visit the website of Equifax, Experian and TransUnion to set up a 90-day fraud alert. Usually if you fill out a fraud report with one agency then they will forward that information to the others, but it certainly can't hurt to contact all of them.

If you have any questions or concerns, please contact the Louisiana Office of Student Financial Aid (LOSFA) at the following:

Phone: (225) 922-1012
Toll-free phone: 1-800-259-LOAN (5626), Extension 1012
Email: custserv@osfa.state.la.us

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Self Improvement

Today I got an email from Barnes and Noble telling me that Joel Osteen has a new self-help book called "Become a Better You." Thanks, B & N, but I'll pass - I am already perfect.

But this got me thinking - do we really need another self help book?

Self help books come in many flavors. There are those that teach you how to do small things to improve your everyday life, those that deal with unforeseen change, and those that deal with making giant leaps in your life to get you where you want to go.

I've only read a couple of self help books, and to be totally honest, regardless of what facet of life they dealt with, most said the exact same thing:

1. Have a positive outlook on life.
2. Create goals for yourself.
3. Prioritize your daily life in order to do things that are important to you.
4. Learn how to communicate better with those around you.
5. You are special.
6. Buy the rest of the author's books.

Boring!

Most self help books deal with how to improve yourself. But I think this is obviously wrong! According to those very same self help books, you are special! So then the problem is obviously not with you and is instead with society. But since you have to live in society, you've got to learn how to deal with it.

To help you do that, here is my list of "self help" information, or since you're reading this it's technically just "help."

The Tantrum's Guide to Living a Better Life

Tips for Work

1. Shower! Nobody likes sitting by a stinky guy during a 3-hour meeting. Trust me on this one.

2. Spend more time primping. Scientists too dumb to study how to fight cancer have now told us that the more time you spend being a metrosexual, the more money you'll make.

3. Speak clearly and professionally. With the state of our public schools continuously going down the toilet, it's inevitable that you will be surrounded by idiots at some point of your professional career. Speak clearly, professionally and intelligently and you will stand apart from the rest.

4. Never have a clean desk. Having a clean desk means you don't have enough work to do. If you aren't busy then at least act like you are!

Tips for Home

1. Do what your wife tells you to do at all times.

Miscellaneous Tips

1. Ignore undesirables. Remember, you can't hurt a telemarketer by hanging up on them because telemarketers are incapable of human emotion.

2. Always take time each day to do what you enjoy doing most, unless of course it is illegal or will get you fired from your job or divorced if people really knew what you were doing when you take your "special time" each day.

3. Eat more fiber.


That's all there is to leading a happier, more productive life! Now go out there, shower, fill your cereal bowl with some Colon Blow, then shuffle some papers around on your desk and clearly tell your wife that you will do what she wants, and you're in the money. Enjoy your new, happier, sexier life.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Blog Action Day vs. Dance Dance Revolution

It's "Blog Action Day," so today I've been asked by the greater blogging community to write up something about the environment so that you, my dear readers, will feel compelled to help save our planet. Hundreds of thousands of blog posts have been written today about the environment - which have been read by millions of people! - about how there are simple things that we can do in our everyday lives to help save our sweet ass environment.

But since everybody else is doing that, I thought I'd stand out by giving the finger to our environment and writing instead about how I turned my baby's room into a Dance, Dance Revolution studio.

Over the weekend we moved out all of the furniture we had in what is now our baby's room. We gave the bed, chest of drawers, desk, nightstand, etc, to my wife's cousins - does that count as recycling? I think I'm in the clear for Blog Action Day.

And with all of that furniture gone, we just had one big lonely room waiting to be painted then filled with baby stuff. But since we're not sure if we're going to find out the gender of the baby, and are therefore not sure what color to paint the room, and have therefore not moved any baby furniture into the room, what choice did I have but to put our two Dance, Dance Revolution pads in there and hook them up to our old GameCube and rock the night away? Or would you rather me flail around in the living room and possibly fall and crack my head on the coffee table?! (That's a joke, of course - I never fall. I'm like a 14 year-old Japanese boy. Victory!!!)

By dancing - or Nintendo's version of dancing, anyway - I will lose weight. Then I can buy smaller-sized shirts, pants, and thong underwear. This means that less resources will be used to make my clothes. I will also want to consume less food so that I will retain my toned, masculine shape, thereby helping to save the world's food supply for the needy. So you see, Dance, Dance Revolution is helping to save the planet from us fatties, one right / up / right / right / double left and right / down at a time.

Please come by and get your ass kicked at Dance, Dance Revolution any time after 5 pm on weeknights or all day over the weekend so that you, too, can enjoy all of the benefits associated with saving our planet.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Saints, Sinners and Seahawks

My brother-in-law and I came up with a fun song earlier in the day that goes a little something like this:

"Oh when the Saints
Go 0 and 5
Oh when the Saints go 0 and 5
How I'd not like to be in that number
When the Saints go 0 and 5!"

I was the harmony for this song, in case you were wondering.

But we'll have to wait until at least next year to sing this beautiful song again, because the Saints actually beat the Seattle Seahawks 28-17. That's right, we won a game!

In your face, Seattle! You might have the Space Needle, the Jimi Hendrix Experience Music Project (EMP), Starbucks, beautiful weather all year round and are the home of Grunge music, BUT WE BEAT YOU IN FOOTBALL! Suck it, Seattle! Stick that grande' mocha-latte' Space Needle up your Puget Sound!

Losing four games in a row sure did build up a lot of pressure. But now that we've won a game, all of the pressure that built up like a bottle of champagne or like a huge zit has since exploded all over the bathroom mirror. And even better news - the remainder of the games this season are against opponents who are generally having as bad of a season as the Saints'. Victory!

In anticipation of not only making the playoffs but winning the Super Bowl, I lit several of my neighbors' cars on fire and danced naked atop a burning bushel of hay out on Highway 42. I bet I was a sight to see.

Mom, if you're reading this, please bail me out of jail. I swear it wasn't me.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

That Kind of Day

I just knew it would be the kind of day where everything goes wrong.

It all started at 9:30 Saturday morning, when my wife woke me up, hovering over me and telling me that she was thirsty for milk. She had told me the night before that she wanted milk, and that we were out of the alleged milk, but did I get my fat ass up and go to the store right that very minute and go get my wife some milk, even though every book on being a new parent explicitly states to get your wife whatever she wants whenever she wants it? No!

Strike one for Ol' Bob.

So off we went, tired and milkless, to the Baton Rouge Little Theater. The BRLT was selling off old costumes just in time for Halloween, and I thought I could score some spandex - which goes with any costume, just FYI. Along the way we wanted to stop off and get Betty some of that sweet cow juice, so we stopped at Mickey D's but the line was too long. We then went to Mary Lee Donuts but the line was too long there as well. So like sensible pre-parents, we stopped at the Albertson's Express gas station on the corner of Airline and Highland to pick up some gas station milk to quench my wife's thirst.

Just hit me in the back of the head with a two-by-four now.

Hindsight is 20/20. But as for regular vision, mine was obviously off, because I didn't see that the milk I chose expired on 10/5.

Strike two!

I was so focused on not getting Whole Milk (which my wife doesn't like) that I didn't look for the expiration date. I guess I thought that, since my wife would be drinking the milk then and there, that the expiration date didn't matter. But, oh boy, how wrong I was! My wife opened the milk, smelled it, gagged, handed the milk to me, I smelled it, I gagged, I smelled it again, gagged a second time... then I went back into the Albertson's Express and made the cashier smell it. The guy in line behind me made a comment like "now I've seen everything." If only he could have tagged along with us for the rest of our day.

Thirty minutes later we finally made our way to the Baton Rouge Little Theater. It was all for naught. Not only did they not have any male costumes left, but there was not one iota of spandex in the whole building.

I am the suck.

On the way back from the BRLT we stopped off at Wal-Mart for milk and other items. Everything was going fine until we tried to check out. All of the lines manned by Wal-Martians were very long, so my wife opted to go for the "Self Check-out" even though she knows that the Self Check-out machines never work in my presence. And I was not disappointed - the person who oversees the Self Check-out spent more time with us than she would have if she would have just checked us out herself.

Strike three!

So let's recap: In the span of an hour and a half I had managed a milk drought at my house, made my wife sick with expired milk, made us late for the spandex sale by waking up late, and then wasted the rest of the entire Saturday morning at the Self Check-out counter at Wal-Mart.

Betty and I got back in our car and just looked at each other. I said that there was only one thing that could make this day any worse. And my wife said, "If LSU loses."

LSU? Lose?

Yep. LSU lost to Kentucky in the third overtime on Saturday night. LSU played like crap. They shot themselves in the foot by being penalized for stupid mistakes at the worst possible moments of the game. And the worst part of it all was that we totally expected it to happen, because it just seemed to be how our day was going.

It was just that kind of day. Strike four, I'm out!

Acquiring Subscribers

As many of you know, you can get the Tantrum via email instead of reading it on the blog or on Facebook. To do that, just enter your email address into the field on the right of the blog and click the 'Subscribe' button. And then voila, instant Tantrum!

But I'm taking it a step further. I've come up with an ingenious way of obtaining a larger readership: by signing up spammers.

No, I'm not going to send my Tantrum out via spam. Instead, every time I get a spam mail, I'm going to sign up the spammer for the Tantrum. My hope is that I will not only increase my readership, but that spammers will be so busy reading the Tantrum that they won't send out so much spam.

Spammers shouldn't have any complaints about this. It's like the Do Not Call List: businesses can send you email if you sign up for their site or for any special offers. And spammers, well, by sending me spam mail you are engaging in a contract stating that you will read my Tantrum and you will like it!

I get over 1,000 spam emails a day. This is mostly my own fault. When I first started using the web way back in the day when we had these archaic things called "modems" that worked through "phone lines" (yes, you needed an actual line to use a phone back then - we didn't have wireless), I signed up for all kinds of free sites using my primary email address. Then when I got sick of getting that company's crap in my inbox I would then try to unsubscribe. But unsubscribing only verified my email address to spammers, so then I received tons more spam.

So now I'm fighting back. You, spammers, are in for a treat. Instead of buying your penis enlargement pills, getting a lower mortgage rate through your services, meeting singles online through your website or helping a wealthy Nigerian move money out of his country, I will instead enrich your lives by giving you the gift of the Tantrum every day. No, don't thank me - you've earned it through your vigilance.

And as a bonus, I might be able to force the spammers' email inboxes to fill up with so many Tantrums that their servers crash. It's a win-win for all of us!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The End of Chotchky's

Thursday I received a very disturbing email: my favorite local coffee shop, Brew-Ha-Ha's II (right across from my old office) is closing!

We called the coffee shop "Chotchky's" because it reminded us of the coffee shop in Office Space where the computer nerds went when they wanted to escape from work - and where the waiters had to wear a minimum of 15 pieces of flair. Technically the word should be spelled "Tchotchky" instead of "Chotchky" for you spelling bee champs out there, but we worked for the State - what the hell did we care?

And the worst part is, it's not closing because it didn't do good business, or because rents went up, or because they got tired of us a-holes always barging in and demanding free coffee. No, they closed because...

They were too successful.

Take a look at a snippet of the email from the owner, Gabby. She was nice enough to send out an explanation as to why she's closing. Funny how someone so sweet could rip your decaffeinated heart right out and squeeze it in front of your face.

My dear patrons of Brew Ha-Ha,

This may come as quite a shock to most of you, but after a lot of deliberation I have decided to close my United Plaza location of Brew Ha-Ha! In the last year we have increased business so much, which in most cases is a business owners dream, but for me it’s been a whirlwind! Unfortunately, it has become SO much work for me that I feel like I am missing why I started my little coffee shop to begin with.


Then she talks about why she started her business, about spending more time with her family, etc - all the usual excuses! Then she goes on to say:

I really hope you all understand. It has been a true honor & pleasure to meet you all, become friends with you, laugh with you, & most of all serve you. I will always look back on this experience with great pride & I appreciate all that you have done for me. I have decided to make this happen immediately. So our last day of business will be this Friday, October 12th. I will have lunch as planned on Thursday & Friday! I will be working at the store from open until about 12:30pm both of those days for any of you that would like to come say goodbye. I really think this is the best decision for my life & I truly hope you all agree.

So Thank You, Thank You, Thank You…for everything!

God Bless You All,

Gabby


Well, Gabby, I don't understand. And I don't think my boss will either when he sees how lethargic I will be next week when I don't have your coffee and brownies in my system. Sure, there's still the other location on Jefferson, so takes some of the sting away. But how could you do this to me, after all we've been through together? After all the grande cafe au laits?!

I'll never forgive you for this, woman. NEVER!

But I will see you for lunch on Friday. Good luck with life, and thanks for all the great times!

Books for Dads-To-Be

Now that I'm an official "Dad-To-Be," I've started a nine-month cram session to learn all that I can about how to be the best dad that I can be. I learn best under pressure.

But there's not a lot of stuff out there for us guys. Sure, there are a few books, like The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be, which focus on "dad things" like how to save for college, what types of tests the doctors might do to check for abnormalities, etc, but hasn't been very helpful in preparing me for what is going to happen with my wife. (At least it hasn't yet - I'm only on Chapter 4.)

The best book I've read so far has been Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth. Jenny McCarthy tells it like it is, straightforward, no BS. It's an easy read, it's fun, and best of all, she doesn't hold anything back.

And although I'm sure my son or daughter will be a perfect angel, at some point I'm sure I'll have to ground him or her for some reason or another. So to research the best way to handle these situations, I'm reading Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. If it doesn't fit you must acquit.

My wife has the What to Expect When You're Expecting books. I need to start reading it, too.

Even though I haven't read the "What to Expect" book yet, I can tell you other expectant fathers what to expect when you're expecting: giving a lot of foot massages, doing laundry, doing the dishes, and mopping. And why will you do this? Not because it is helpful. Not because you should have already been helping with this for the past however many years you've been married. No. You will do this because your wife will think you are sexy for helping around the house. And even though you won't "get any" during the pregnancy, you can start saving up those brownie points for use at a later date.

Have you read any good books that helped to prepare you for fatherhood? If so, please leave me a comment or send me an email.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Preggers!

It all began one night in August.

My wife had been really tired for the previous week or so and was complaining of stomach aches, back pain, and tender hoo-hoos. I immediately offered to massage these aching areas of her body, but then she got up and walked to the restroom. I peeked my head around the door and found her taking a pregnancy test.

"Preggers?" I thought to myself, and said aloud at the same time.

"Yeah, I think I'm pregnant. Isn't that great?!" she said, peeingly.

Damn right that was great! We had been trying and hoping for a couple of months. And by the ways, guys, if you're married and are not getting any, just tell your wife that you want to have a baby and then watch as "sex" suddenly makes the calendar several times a week.

So we both left the room while the EPT stick did its thing. When we returned, it said, in size 10 arial font, "PREGGERS!"

I can't tell you how excited I was. I just kept thinking about that scene from Seinfield....



I'll never forget my wife's face. She was so happy! And excited! And just a tad bit scared. I looked at her and knew that she would be the best mother any kid could ever have. If she can take care of me, she can pretty much handle anything.

And I'll never forget my own face, either. I turned around to look at the mirror, and there I was - a big kid, barely able to take care of myself, totally dependent on my wife, my external brain, my human GPS... and now I am expected to take care of someone else?! Are you kidding me?! ANSWER ME, REFLECTION!

Fear of being a bad father washed over me. All of my inadequacies rose to the top of my mind.

I've always wanted to have a son. I guess every man does. But thinking that a son may be on the way, I then started thinking about how incompetent I am. I have no knowledge of power tools! I can't hang large pictures by myself! My dad does my tax returns! There is so much that I need to learn before I can pass this knowledge off to my son! There's so little time!!

And what if it's a girl? Oh my God! I'll have to buy a shotgun, there's no way around it. I know what I was like when I was 14 - 27, and I'll be damned if any boy is going to be around my daughter without me being present, locked and loaded!

But after I calmed myself, I was filled with an immense sense of pride. I walked a little taller for the next couple of weeks. I like to think that I spoke to people with more of a fatherly demeanor. And of course, when my wife was in the car and some a-hole cut us off, I went into an insane rage and daydreamed of killing the bastard, cutting his throat out and slapping him in the face with his own larynx, all because he endangered my pregnant wife and our baby.

I waited to write about Betty being pregnant until after we heard the heart beat, as then the chance of miscarriage drops from one in six to less than one percent. On Tuesday we heard the heart beat. It was really amazing and very emotional. But that's a story for another day. As for this day's story, I think it's time for me to go and check on my baby mama.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Halloweener

Halloween is coming up, and that means that later this month I get to dress up in a scary outfit, hide outside in the bushes and ambush little kids on their way to accrue candy and other loot. I can't wait!

Last year I was Nacho Libre, but all of the kids on my street thought I was just a flabby Superman. So be it. The year before that I was the Burger King and I got free chicken fries at the Burger King on Jefferson Highway - after which my "favorite ride" became the "King's throne." That year I scared more parents than kids. What is it about the Burger King that freaks out adults?

This year I need to be something extra scary, because the kids on my street are getting older and it's becoming harder to frighten them and steal their candy.

I just love scaring the crap out of kids. Is that so wrong?

I think my love of scaring kids on Halloween goes back to my childhood. According to my mom, one year some big kids scared me after I had only tricked and treated at a handful of houses, and I ran back crying to my house, peeing in my pants the entire way home. The costume that she had spent months making was ruined and of course I then had to fight over my siblings' candy. But hey, cut me some slack, I was only a kid, plus the Simpson's Halloween Special was on so I got to watch that. It all worked out.

And my love for making my own costumes comes from my childhood as well. Screw those store-bought costumes! Some of those outfits are over $50. Do you know what you can get at the thrift store for $50?! You can get an awesome Halloween costume and a pimp hat, that's what!

My mom used to make all of our Halloween costumes. She would spend endless hours on them. I was Big Bird once, and when I say that I was Big Bird I don't mean that I wore a plastic yellow bird face and thanked the letter "H" for sponsoring Halloween. No, I was Big Bird. Animal Control was called about a "large, yellow bird attacking residents in Lafayette" more than once, and several bird flu alerts were sent out via emergency broadcast.

Another year I was a spider. I had three arms on each side, two of which were tied together to my own arms. I also had fangs and a venom sac. My mom went all out.

So I guess I should thank my mom for instilling the love of Halloween in me. If I hadn't had such great costumes as a child, maybe those bastard kids wouldn't have scared me. And if I hadn't have been scared and peed myself running home, then I wouldn't enjoy scaring kids during Halloween as an adult.

Thanks, Mom! You're the best!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

There are No Trucks in World of Warcraft

In February I wrote about how great it would be if Truck Nerds (those people who talk endless about mundane truck details) and Computer Geeks (those people who talk endlessly about mundane computer details) could combine their powers and become an unstoppable Voltron-like force of mullet-haired computer techs with a bad attitude and a penchant for heavy metal. Well, it looks like I got my wish, in the form of a Toyota Tacoma commercial.



This commercial is great for many reasons, but mainly for seemingly being a parody of the World of Warcraft viral video starring "Leroy Jenkins," about a guy who screws up a game of Warcraft by ignoring his group's carefully laid plans to defeat a level and ends up getting everybody killed.



I really like the details in the Toyota commercial. For instance, I like how the truck navigates the path in route to the dragon boss instead of just driving right to it. Then, after the dragon eats the truck, the dragon's power meter starts to drop. Lastly, after the truck emerges from the dragon's belly, the truck of the bed holds the dragon's beating heart.

It's plain to me that the truck nerds who created this video really and truly are computer geeks. Just call me Nostradamus.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Tebow Teabagged

Tiger Stadium is home to the LSU Fighting Tigahs, and also home to one of the classiest (read: drunkest) college football fan base in all of America. That is why I was not surprised when, in the background of ESPN's GameDay broadcast live from Baton Rouge, LSU fans held up signs that said "Teabag Tebow," "Don't Tase Me, Bro!" and "Tebow Loves Coach Urban Meyer." (Tebow is the name of the Florida Gaytard's quarterback, for you non-college football-lovin' readers out there.)

Now I can only suspect that Tebow has man-love for Coach Urban Meyer, but I can certainly verify that Tebow was thoroughly teabagged by the LSU defense on Saturday night. Although Florida was winning at halftime and throughout most of the second half, LSU won 28-24 in a 4th quarter rally to maintain their unblemished record and spot at number 1 in the polls.

We watched the game from the comfort of our home, with our feet up on the coffee table and the smell of pizza wafting in the kitchen. My wife's aunt and uncle, who I think I've previously drafted to be official Tanory family members, used "our tickets" to go to the game. I say they were "our tickets" because I'm always the one who wins them in the weekly jello and lube wrestling tournament that we hold to see who gets the extra tickets. We're a close-knit family.

And although we didn't make it into Tiger Stadium and had to settle for watching the game on TV, we did make it out to campus to partake in a little tailgating. Being on LSU's campus, surrounded by thousands of drunk coeds, makes me reminisce about my college days. Ah, those were the days! And for some reason, tailgating during LSU vs. Florida games brings out the best in people. For instance, my brother and his friends went down to Florida one year for the LSU vs. Florida game and sat in on some classes (in their LSU shirts, drunk) and constantly interrupted the lecture by asking if the material was going to be on the test. Go, Tigers!

In other football news, USC was defeated by a bunch of computer nerds from Stanford. This is significant because a) USC was ranked #2 and Stanford was unranked, b) Stanford was a 41-point underdog, and 3) USC sucks (because you can't spell SUCK without USC).

So congratulations to the LSU Fighting Tigahs, congrats to Stanford, and congrats to all of you lucky fans who got to see (and hear!) an incredible game in Tiger Stadium. Next time, Uncle Jay, I'm wrestling you for those tickets.

I am Michael Scott

Last Thursday on The Office, Michael Scott (played by Steve Carell) drove his car into a lake because he misunderstood his GPS system's instructions.



And after this occurred, I had to come to grips with a humiliating realization:

I am Michael Scott.

I've lived in the Baton Rouge area for 10 years but am still unable to get around on my own. What really gets me are those street signs that say "Main Street" in big letters, and then directly below it, "Next Signal." Doh! Don't put a sign on a street if it doesn't have the street's name on it!

But the street signs aren't entirely to blame. I have no sense of direction and get turned around very easily. One time my buddy Aaron and I were trying to make a quick run to the bank and I took a wrong turn and went a couple of miles in the wrong direction (in Baton Rouge traffic) before Aaron realized my mistake. I made Aaron late for a meeting, and had to drop him back off at work and then try to get to the bank on my own. And the worst part is, the bank was right down the street from our office.

And it's not just Baton Rouge - I lived in Lafayette for 18 years and am completely useless when it comes to getting around the city.

The problem is not that I am a helpless moron, although I am. The problem is that I have people around me that are "enablers."

I call my wife my external brain. She tells me what to do and I do it. But she's much more than that: she's also a human atlas or human GPS system. Is it my fault that I've never learned my way around town because I've become dependent on people who will willingly point out where to turn, how far to drive, and when to flick the bird at passing motorists?

I blame society!

On the bright side, I have yet to pull a Michael Scott and drive my car into the lake. But the night is young. Also, I guess it's better than being a Dwight Schrute.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Baby Mama

You may remember the Baby Daddy shirt that I made for Father's Day. Well, now there's something for the ladies as well.

Introducing the "Baby Mama" shirt, by the Tanory Tantrum.



This shirt is great for moms and/or ladies who are pregnant or plan on becoming pregnant. And if you would like to become preggers just so you can wear this shirt, please leave a comment and we'll have one of our Tantrum dating experts hook you up with one or more persons from our wide selection of single male readers who are ready and willing to help you meet your life goals.

The Courtesy Flush: Friend or Foe?

I was taught from a very young age that everyone should try to conserve water. I learned that there are people around the world without access to clean water, and that we should not take our fresh drinking water for granted.

But I was also taught to be kind and courteous to my fellow Americans. So one question now remains unanswered:

Is the courtesy flush good for America?

On the one hand, the courtesy flush - the act of flushing a toilet to reduce the sound and/or aroma of a Deuce of Spades - helps the ears and noses of our fellow restroomers. On the other hand, it wastes water.

So is it better to conserve water, or is it better to be courteous? Answer me, Al Gore!!!

I feel bad for people with no access to clean water. But I can only feel so bad for so long. If you live in a desert, for Pete's sake, move to fertile land by a river or something. And as far as saving water is concerned, we'll have more than enough water once global warming really gets going and the polar ice caps melt and flood the earth.

I guess the answer is really more complicated than whether or not we just want to conserve water. I mean, if I don't like one of my coworkers, is it not my manly duty to destroy his senses by means of an intestinal timebomb?

So it's up to you. Be courteous to your fellow restroomers and be a total ass to people in Africa, or be kind to people in Africa and be known as the stinky dude at work. It's up to you.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Superpowers

If you could have any superpower, what would you want?

Invisibility springs to mind. That would be fun, as long as you don't need someone to help you in any way. If you never need to go to the doctor, etc, you're pretty much screwed. And you can count out anyone ever thinking you're attractive and wanting to have wild, passionate boink with you, as they won't be able to see you.

Some people would like the ability to fly. I don't know about that - this sounds like a Monkey's Paw wish to me. You might be able to fly and then pass out from thin air as you go higher, or you'd get sucked into a jet engine or something. And if you flew anywhere in Louisiana during Duck Season, well, don't say we didn't warn you. As we say in the South, "If it flies it dies."

Some people would say that they would like x-ray vision. But x-ray vision would really only show you people's bones, and then you'd probably have to wear lead armor otherwise you'll be exposed to a lot of radiation. The ability to just see through people's clothes would also expose you to a lot of things you'd rather not see - use your imagination. Instead, buy one of those infrared cameras from Sony that lets you see through people's clothes. Or just Google naked women like everyone else.

Invulnerability is nice. Hmm... but that just means you couldn't get hurt. It doesn't mean you can manhandle other people or save loved ones or perfect strangers from being attacked. This is a pretty selfish superpower, but cool nonetheless.

Although I debated against it earlier in this post, I think I would have to go with Flight as my superpower. First, I would get to wear spandex and a cape - which for me is pretty normal, anyway. (I don't want to change my routine - Tuesdays and Thursdays are Cape and Spandex Day at the Tanory house.) Second, I could fly over all of that pesky Baton Rouge traffic. And last, if I saw someone I didn't like, I could drop some birdy num-num right on his head. I think I'll chance the thin air and pellet guns for the superpower of flight!

Florida Gator Arrested

Earl "Tony" Joiner, one of the defensive backs for the Florida Gay-Tards, was arrested Tuesday morning for trying to get his girlfriend's car out of the impound without paying the hefty $76 fine. Now many people are asking, "What should Florida coach Urban Meyer do with Joiner? Should he let him play?"

I know what you're thinking: "Florida's coach's first name is Urban? What the hell?!"

A lot of people (mostly in Louisiana) think that Joiner should not play. And then again, a lot of people (mostly in Florida) think that Joiner should play, and that Joiner's girlfriend owes him a little lovin' for his crime of passion.

But I have to agree with the Floridians on this one. I think that Joiner should play against LSU.

Look, Joiner is good. He'll probably go Pro. And sooner or later he's going to have to learn that there are no consequences for his actions. He can do pretty much whatever he wants and get away with it. He's now in the Entertainment Industry.

Plus, Joiner has a lot of room to breathe with this story, because everyone hates the towing companies. Joiner can be looked on as a hero. They'll say that "he gave it to The Man." Sooner or later everyone will forget that The Man "gave it right back to him" after he dropped the soap in cell block 4.

Another spin on the story: Joiner faced the evil tyrant towers, and he lost. As we all do. This makes him seem more human. Now we all like him. Capitalize off his near-legend status now before he starts obeying the law like everyone else - there is nothing appealing about a person who is normal and law-abiding.

All I'm saying is, how is he expected to do stupid stuff that puts him in the tabloids every week if he gets punished so early in his career? Think of all the future money to be made off of this! Have you no heart?!

Let the boy play. We want to beat Florida when they're at their best. I'm not going to be able to handle it if I have to watch Urban Meyer cry at the post game interviews that they could have beat us if only they had Joiner.

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Mama's Boys

I'm watching Monday Night Football, and it's halftime so while I wait for the Patriots and the Bengals to start up again I decided to share a little diddy about some past experiences with "real football," aka, soccer.

I played soccer for about 15 years. We played recreational soccer during the fall, high school soccer during the Winter and early Spring, then Spring soccer, and finally indoor soccer during the Summer at the Cajun Dome. Those were the days! Nothing but soccer all year long. It was like Heaven in cleats.

And out of all those teams throughout the years, there's one team in particular that stands out as my favorite team of all time: The Mama's Boys.

The Mama's Boys was a team I played on during the Spring soccer season of 1997 or 1998. It was basically comprised of the same players that were on our high school state championship team, the Acadiana High Wreckin' Rams. We were awesome. We struck fear in the hearts of our opponents.

And the best part is, we wore hot pink jerseys and socks.

Let me say that again: we wore hot pink uniforms.

There's nothing more embarrassing than wearing hot pink uniforms if you're a guy, unless of course it's being beaten by a team wearing hot pink uniforms called "The Mama's Boys." The other teams would point and laugh when they saw us, and then they would bitch and moan after we beat them.

My dad was the coach of The Mama's Boys. He was "Big Mama." Here's to you, Coach!

And of course, with all of this talk about hot pink I feel as though I should mention that last year this site went Pink for October in order to help spread the word that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. All of you ladies, go get your breasts felt up. It's good for you! And having you and your boobies healthy is good for us men. So while you wait for the Tantrum to go pink, call your doctor to schedule an appointment to get some action.