Friday, November 30, 2007

Last Call

Last call for the patio party! If you're in town, need a place to watch LSU pound Tennessee in the rear, and want free food and drinks, come on down to the Tanory household!

Betty is fixing all kinds of tasty stuff, and I will be displaying my mad culinary skills by grilling up some burgers and sausage. We even bought Mayo for all you Mayo-lovers, even though we secretly despise you and your disgusting love of whatever mayonnaise is made out of.

A lot of our friends and family will be at the SEC Championship game, so they will not be able to attend the patio party. For these people, a second-but-less-awesome patio party will be held at a later date, at which point we will rewatch the game on Tivo and try to find them in the stands, and then tell them about all of the fun stuff that we did at the original patio party while they were off helping Georgia's economy.

Even if you can't stay the whole time, come on out and grab some food and drinks and tell Betty how much you like our new patio. Because if you don't like it or if you don't make her feel as though it's extra-spectacular, then she's going to make me do something else for her, and then I'm going to spend the next several years wondering how I'm going to pay for it. My finances are in your hands. Do the right thing.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Shower the People You Love With Soap

I have a Love / Hate relationship with soap and water.

I've always had this particular bipolar reflex to cleanliness. I never want to shower or bathe, but I don't want to leave the shower or bathtub once I'm in it. I guess I just don't like change.

As a child I would bitch and moan when it was time for my bath, then I would turn my bathtub into a bubbly wave pool. Actually, I do the same thing now as an adult. Aren't wave pools the coolest!?

The act of stripping down to shower doesn't bother me. The act of stripping has never bothered me, regardless of whether or not I was going to shower. So it's not that. I need to find the root cause of my unwillingness to shower.

They say that Cleanliness is next to Godliness. I've always understood that to mean that if you're dirty then you're more likely to get some kind of infection, so if you stay clean then you'll live longer. But then again, being dirty is so much more fun than being clean.

While looking up links dealing with showering for this blog post, I came across this video that illustrates the differences in how men and women shower. Now that I've watched it, I suddenly feel the need to go get wet and soapy.

I Got Elfed

I love Christmas. It's the only time of the year that it's acceptable for me to photoshop my siblings' and wife's head on the bodies of elves and send it out for the world to see.

I'm sure that you'll get many of these in your inbox from friends and family, but here is my Elf tribute to the Tanory chilluns.

Watch the Elf Action

For some reason my head got placed on a female elf's body. Oh well, at least this way I'll be sure to spread holiday cheer like never before!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

It Says I'm Formal But I Like to Party

Down here in Louisiana it doesn't take much for us to throw a party. Any excuse will do, actually. Got a new hairdo? Party it up! Your dog just sat for the first time? That's cause for a celebration! Finally built your patio after three years of telling your wife that you would get the patio done for her? Patio party.

Sending out an email to people you'd like to invite is one thing. But posting an invitation on the intarweb is another. For instance, take this example from a couple of weeks ago: a kid was going to throw a party while his parents were out, and an invitation was posted on YouTube, after which thousands of teenagers flocked to the house and did things that teenagers like to do, such as beat people up and break stuff. Never post your personal info on the web.

I'm not worried about this happening to me. After all, I didn't post my address on my online invitation. Plus, nobody reads this thing anyway. If anyone does show up, it will be a miracle. A miracle with free food and drinks.

And if the Tigers win the SEC Championship game, we can walk down my street and light my neighbors' cars on fire in celebration. They won't mind. This is Louisiana: we blow up cars in celebration every day.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Patio Party!!!


[Patio Party!!!]


at the Tanorys!

Help us break in our new patio while we celebrate the Tiger’s victory over Tennessee during the SEC championship game!


Food, friends, football, fun, and free patio shenanigans for all!

[Tiger Logo - roar!]

Date: 12/01/2007
Time: 2:00 PM until Glorious Victory!
Place: The Tanory Home


Please call or email me to RSVP and/or if you need directions. If you receive the blog via email subscription, simply reply to the email to get in touch with me. You can also contact me through TanoryLand.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Tulame

My cousin Elizabeth plays on Tulane's volleyball team, so Saturday night we went to the Maravich Center to watch the LSU women's volleyball team take on the Tulane Green Wave. Normally I like to think of Tulane as "Tulame" except Tulane wasn't really lame last night because they put the smack down on LSU to beat them in 5 games.

Who knew a volleyball game could be so exciting? But it was! This game had everything - suspense, intensity, girls in tight spandex... why haven't I gone to these games before?

And sad to say, I was a traitor to my own kind. I sat with my aunt, uncle and cousins to cheer on Elizabeth, but we sat on the Tulane side. It was weird not being in the midst of LSU fans. Betty and I also wore green - it was Hawaiian shirt day and if you wore a Hawaiian shirt then you got in for free, and we both only have green Hawaiian shirts. So for all intents and purposes, I was a Tulane fan on Saturday.

My cousin Elizabeth is a really great volleyball player. When she was in, I yelled my butt off for her. In effect I was cheering as loudly as I could for Tulane. But when she was on the bench, I couldn't bring myself to cheer for Tulane, but I still couldn't cheer for LSU because I was in the middle of the Tulane fans.

I've taken several showers today but I still can't wash away the traitorous feeling that I got at the volleyball game. But I guess it's true what they say - blood is thicker than 4 years' worth of tuition.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

LSU Loses to Arkansas, World Slips into Chaos

It only took approximately 16 hours for the world to go to shit after LSU lost to Arkansas in triple overtime Saturday in Tiger Stadium. Here are some of the headlines around the world, which I feel I should emphasize did not exist prior to LSU's loss:



I was at the game on Saturday. If you didn't go then I'm sure you watched it on TV, so I won't tell you about how much better Arkansas looked than LSU. Arkansas came to play, and LSU... well, they played like they did all year. You can't play down to the other teams' level all year and always expect to bounce back in the 4th quarter. At least it took 3 overtimes to beat the Tigers. Great season, guys.

Today I'm just planning on bumming around the house. This week's To Do List includes watching football, crying myself to sleep, throwing blunt objects around the house, and prank-calling my cousins in Arkansas.

I'm also going to watch my cousin Elizabeth and the Tulane volleyball team take on LSU at the Pete Maravich Assembly Center at 7 pm. If you wear an Hawaiian shirt to the game then you get in for free. Hope to see you there!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Tinkle Tinkle Little Star

If you ever have to choose between taking I-10 or Hwy 190 to go between Lafayette and Baton Rouge, take I-10. It's not that I-10 is faster - which it is, by about an hour - or that I-10 is any prettier, because it's not.

It's just that there are more toilets-per-mile (tpm) off of I-10 than there are Hwy 190.

On Wednesday we had to take Hwy 190 to Lafayette because of a natural gas explosion that closed off of I-10. Betty was worried that we'd get stuck in traffic on Hwy 190 and that she would have to go to the bathroom. When a pregnant woman has to go, she has to go! But we didn't need to worry about her - it was me that we had to worry about.

About 5 miles away from exiting Hwy 190 onto I-49, I had to go. I had been holding it for an hour and by this point in the trip I could feel my teeth tingling. You know you've really got to go when even your teeth are doing their best to hold it in. My eyes even started turning yellow.

Then it started raining. There's nothing that encourages your body to spout out random liquids than watching the clouds whiz all over your car.

Then we hit traffic. Ever so slowly we crawled our way up the road, one mile every ten minutes. There were no restrooms in sight - there were no buildings in sight! I wanted to hop out and run towards the trees, but Betty wouldn't let me. I also suggested peeing in a cup (which we didn't have) or just hanging my utensil out the window and squirting the guy who was blaring bad rap music with his bass turned all the way up. I doubt anyone else would have minded. But Betty said no. She was having too much fun watching me squirm, because it was the first time in several months that our roles seemed to be reversed - she was calm and collected and I was frantically searching for a place to water.

My wife just laughed as I cussed out the drivers ahead of me. They were coming to a complete stop at a blinking yellow light. Didn't these people take Driver's Ed? You don't stop at a blinking yellow light! Just drive! The Texaco station's right there! I've got to go! Out of my damn way, morons!

I pulled onto the shoulder and drove a quarter mile to the Texaco station. I couldn't find a place to park so I just double-parked across two other cars. I drop-kicked the door open and ran to the restroom, but it was locked. I hopped on one foot for another ten minutes until I finally just started pounding on the door. A woman emerged from the restroom looking very relieved. Until that day I didn't know it was humanly possible to whiz for three straight minutes. I should have recorded myself and sent the video off to the Guinness Book of World Records!

On Friday we'll make our way back to Baton Rouge for the LSU vs. Arkansas game. I'm bringing an "emergency cup" for my ride, as I'm sure traffic will be worse on Friday than it was on Wednesday. And who knows, maybe I'll even be able to throw the contents of my cup at an Arkansas fan. One can only hope!

Thanksgiving at the Tanorys

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is a great holiday. Family, food, fun, afternoon nap, raiding the fridge for leftovers at 11 pm - what's not to like?

My family has a couple of Thanksgiving traditions. First we play Thanksgiving poker, where the loser has to dress up in my giant turkey outfit and entertain the rest of us while we continue to play. The next couple of people to lose have to dress up as Pilgrims and Native Americans and chase the turkey. The winner of the poker tournament gets first dibs at the food.

Our second tradition is our table draft. We draw straws to see who will be the two team captains, then each team's captain selects who he or she wants to sit at each table. Once the plates are set, we have a Thanksgiving-off where we see which team can eat the most food the fastest. The winners get heartburn.

Tomorrow we'll be getting up early in the morning and will race other Louisianians back to Tiger Stadium. We can only hope that more people go shopping for Black Friday sales than head back to Baton Rouge.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Middle Management!

Zazzle (the site I make all my shirts through) is having an "Office Humor Contest." They want people to make up humorous shirts, mugs, hats, mouse pads, etc, about the office, and are making the grand prize a thousand smackers. Ten other contestants will get $25 gift certificates to Zazzle that they can then use to buy my Veggielution shirt.

So what was my entry? I made a shirt that cheers on Middle Management. God bless our middle managers - they have to deal with all of our whining and are always getting shut down from their bosses above them. I know I've given my managers a couple of gray hairs - I hope this shirt makes up for it all. By the way, boss, my program is going to be late and I'm taking off early tomorrow - deal with it.

Here's my shirt! Let me know what you think. I'll probably make it in mug form as well, so I can pour my heart and soul into a mug, and afterwards my boss can heat it up in the microwave and then throw its contents at one of the opposing Middle Managers. Go, Team!

Middle Management! shirt

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Kindle

Amazon.com released the new "Kindle," which is an electronic, wireless book reader. Think of it as the iPod of books. What I like about it is that you don't need to hook it up to your computer or hop on the Starbucks wifi in order to download stuff... this puppy is built with its own wireless intarweb. It can hold 200 or so books and can even get some blogs and newspapers. Extra memory is available if you have an extended library, but book worms be warned - plastic is much harder to chew through than acidic paper.

I think the Kindle is a great idea. I've been waiting for something like this for a while. But I'll definitely wait until the 3rd or 4th generation until I buy one of these products.

The main problem I have with this product is the name. Kindle? As in, to kindle a fire? Are we burning books now, Amazon? Or are you just trying to sell extra digital copies of Fahrenheit 451?

The price is way too steep, too. The Kindle is $400, then you have to buy the books for another $10. On the bright side, the wifi network is free. But at some point we need to do a cost-benefit analysis and compare how much I would spend if I bought the Kindle and 200 books to what I would spend if I just went to the library. (Late charges at the library are such a bitch!)

And of course, I probably won't have much time to read once the baby gets here, as I'll be too busy playing the Wii. Before you start fussing at me, hear me out: Nintendo just came out with a great "New Daddy" game, where you can play a bunch of mini-games that help improve your daddy rating. For instance, there's "Diaper Runs," where you see how fast you can change the baby's diaper and can compare scores with your friends. Then there's "Burp N Slurp" where you use the nun-chucks to burp the baby and where you treat the remote like a bottle. Finally, in "Vacuum Sleep," you thrust the remote back and forth like you're vacuuming until your virtual baby falls asleep.

In conclusion, the Kindle is neat, but the library, the bargain books section at Barnes and Noble, and the used book store combine forces to form a Voltron-like paperback beast that victimizes the $400 gizmo from Amazon. At least until the 4th generation.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Thanksgiving Week

If you're new to the blog then you probably don't know about my Thanksgiving extravaganza, where I dress up as a giant turkey and then go to the Baton Rouge mall and take pictures with kids in a big booth. It's just like what they do for Santa and the Easter Bunny, only instead of giving away gifts or candy canes I give away coupons for half-off turkeys from a local sponsor.

If a kid seems like he or she is a really good kid then I'll do something special. I'll get up, squawk around some people dressed as Native Americans and Pilgrims, waddle up to a big trough and peck out extra coupons for cornbread dressing, rice dressing, etc. If the kid looks like a little brat then I pick from a different trough which just has coupons for beets.

Some people don't see the point of having a giant turkey at the mall. Other people, like New Jersey's governor, don't think people should be able to spend the whole Thanksgiving weekend - including Friday - with their families. But for those giant turkey-lovers and/or Thanksgivers out there, they can always rely on me to bring them holiday cheer.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Be careful on the road, and if you need to head over the Atchafalaya Basin this week then remember to check for updates on the I-10 road closures cause by a natural gas leak. (Apparently the natural gas well was filled to the brim with beans, which are good for your heart but also known to cause natural gas explosions. By the way, we also give away half-off beans coupons at the mall! Come by and visit us!)

Saturday, November 17, 2007

The Patio Project, Part 2

You might remember that I sold the naming rights of some bricks in my possession in order to raise money for my wife's patio. Thanks to my fundraising and/or blackmail efforts, I have raised enough money to finish the patio project as well as possibly re-sod my lawn with Astroturf. Score!

Here is what the patio looked like as of the last update.

Picture: Patio - before.

Earlier today, a bunch of strangers came by my house bearing gifts of bricks, sand, wheel barrows and Mexicans. Armed with this array of landscapish proportions, the patio quickly took shape. Here are some pictures of the patio's progress throughout the day.

Here are the pavestones I bought with the money I raised during the naming rights fundraiser.

Picture: The Pavestones.

They laid down some sand to trick the pavestones into thinking they were at the beach.

Picture: Patio - layout down the sand.

Laying out the bricks...

Picture: Patio - laying out the bricks.

Here's me hard at work... or something.

Picture: Patio - me hard at work?

Once most of the bricks had been laid down, they sprinkled more sand over them.

Picture: Patio - sand is sprinkled.

Another angle of patio bricks vs. sand.

Picture: Patio - sand part 2.

This final picture is of right below our bedroom window. We're going to plant something here. I want to go with a big thorn bush but Betty is thinking of something cuter, like a thorn bush cut in the shape of a heart.

Picture: Patio - under the bedroom window.

After watching these guys hard at work laboring over my patio, I am more than ever thankful that I didn't try to do this myself. I can barely feed, clothe and bathe myself - can you imagine me digging up my back yard?!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Just FTP It!

I thought I'd give you a little explanation of one of my shirts, which fashionably states, "Just FTP it!"


Just FTP it! shirt


I always wanted a kingdom named after myself. I had a few names picked out, but since Howie Mandel had a cartoon called Bobby's World, I was forced to settle on something different. And a couple of years ago I fulfilled my dream of having my own plot of digital land when I signed up for what is now TanoryLand, which I ruled with an iron fist. By the way, TanoryLand is now the single source suppliers of Tanorys.

But before I could turn my Tanory Land into a digital empire, I had to create some content and then upload those files to my website so you could see it. This stuff doesn't just happen by magic, you know.

I don't how much you know about setting up a website or servers. I won't go into the details. If you're into details, check out Aaron's new blog, Fragile Development.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I had a bunch of files on my computer that I wanted to put up on my website. In my previous website experiences, I could upload files directly from a website's control panel. But with my TanoryLand server, the only way I could get them there was to FTP them. I didn't want to FTP the files. It's a whole other therapy session on why I don't like FTP. Let's just say for the moment that I didn't want to do it because I thought the server space I was paying for should have the basic capabilities of uploading files.

This was back when I was at my former job, and we just so happened to have hired a "server expert" about a week before. She overheard Aaron and I talking about my dilemma and so I asked her about it. Her answer: Just FTP the files.

"But that's exactly what I don't want to do!" I whined. "I'm trying to think of alternatives to FTP!"

She: "Well, you're just gonna have to FTP them."

Me: "But I don't want to!"

She: "Can you upload them any other way?"

Me: "Not that I know of. That's what I'm trying to figure out."

She: "Just FTP them."

Me: "..."

She: "Just FTP it!"

Me: "No! You don't own me! Screw you and the horse you road in on!"

She: "JUST FTP IT!"

We had a great working relationship, as you can probably tell.

Anyway, I ended up just having to FTP my files. I found a great FireFox add-on called FireFTP which had made FTP-ing tolerable. And from that day on, whenever Aaron or I ever had an issue at work, our verbal solution was to just FTP it!

Today, my TanoryLand website is vastly inferior to what I had originally pictured it to be. Something called the Tanory Tantrum took up a lot of my time, and I found that I enjoyed writing more than I enjoyed coding. So I spent less time on the website and more time on the blog. But who knows - one day maybe the TanoryLand website will serve a better purpose than simply selling illegal Tanorys online. And I will once again rule with an iron fist!

Of course, once I write the code to update TanoryLand, I'll have to FTP it to my server. It's like the shirt says: Just FTP It!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Veggielution Continues!

Aaron - my friend, former coworker, contributor to the Tantrum, and traitor who moved to Texas - sent me an email telling me that the Veggielution is now in full swing. Check out Zazzle's blog about my Viva la Veggielution shirt!

http://blog.zazzle.com/2007/05/29/viva-la-veggielution/

Not to toot my own horn overly much, as I hear that can make you go blind, but these shirts are "green" and are therefore good for the environment. Viva!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Politics as Usual

Saturday is the run-off in the election for Ascension Parish President. This monumental prize fight is between two Republicans, Larry "Booyah!" Buquoi vs. Tommy "One Hour Martinizer" Martinez.

[Picture of candidates kickboxing on the beach like grown adults]

Most people make important voting decisions based on the candidates' platforms, education, experience and standings in the community. However, this year I've decided to not learn anything at all about the candidates and will instead simply vote on which candidate has been the less irritating up until I cast my ballot.

There are a lot of facets of irritation to consider. Email, snail mail, and door-to-door campaigners can all be aggravating. But nothing - NOTHING - is more aggravating than being called continuously, day and night, by a candidate's campaign telemarketers.

I'm on the Do-Not-Call List. Now, I realize that politicians are exempt from the Do-Not-Call List because politicians are the ones making the laws, and politicians are motivated purely by self-interest. Hence, they can call you but other people cannot. I bet half of all political assassinations are caused by political telemarketers driving people bat-shit crazy.

Here are the actual numbers of phone calls sent to me by each campaign. I think you can clearly see who is going to get my vote.

Candidate: Larry Buquoi
Times his campaign has called my house: 87
Times his campaign has called my cell phone: 12
Times his campaign has called my wife's cell phone: 4
Times I have politely told his campaign to stop calling me: 3
Times I have cussed out his campaign for calling: 100

Candidate: Tommy Martinez
Times his campaign has called my house: 0
Times his campaign has called my cell phone: 0
Times I have remained calm and politely told his campaign to stop calling me: N/A
Times I have gone ballistic and cussed out his campaign for calling endlessly: N/A

Apparently politicians are going to have to learn the hard way that we average citizens don't like to be called continuously, especially after we've asked to be removed from their calling lists. My warning to you, Larry Buquoi: when you call my house, my cell phone and my wife's cell phone over ten times in a single day, you're just asking to have your website hacked. Don't mess with the IT guy.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Bringing Sexy Back

I was a rebellious youth.

For example, when my parents said, "Bobby, although you are our most favorite child, you must not wipe your dirty eyeglasses with your t-shirt otherwise you will scratch up your lenses," I wiped my glasses with my shirt anyway, because that's how I roll.

Thug life!

So of course, I scratched up my lenses and had to get new glasses. That's when I decided to get Bausch & Lomb's Sight Savers, pre-moistened lens cleaning tissues. Now I can clean my lenses to my heart's content. There's only one small problem...

My lens cleaners look like condoms.

You read me right, my lens cleaners are individually packaged in a 2x2 inch flat wrapper with a noticeable pooch in the middle. Usually I don't care that my lens cleaners make me look like a horny perv. Sure, when a parent finds one laying under some blankets or the in-laws come over and spot them on the counter, it can get pretty embarrassing. But when one falls out of my pocket at work, well... then it's time to think about reverting to using the ol' t-shirt as cleanup.

I usually read at work during lunch. It's not that I'm anti-social, it's just that I get to work earlier than everyone else and therefore eat lunch before everyone else, so I'm usually the only person in the cafeteria. But today I ate lunch a little later and was not the only person in the room.

I read for a good half hour. But I kept getting distracted because, in the corner of my eye, I noticed people zigzagging across the cafeteria around one certain spot. When I was finished with my food and chapter, I went to get a closer look at what all the ruckus was about.

Wouldn't you know it? My little lens cleaner was lying on the ground. It must have flown out of my pocket when I grabbed my keys while exiting the building.

I stood over it, thinking about the consequences of picking it up with everyone's eyes on me. But everyone was already looking at me because they thought I was staring at a condom on the ground.

I had two choices: let the lens cleaners stay on the floor and deal with my dirty glasses, or pick it up in front of everyone and let them think I just picked a condom up off the floor. So of course, I picked it up.

I should have torn open the package and wiped my lenses right then and there. But I didn't - instead I just ran like hell back to my cubicle. The shame! The horror!

But have no fear, for I am now the coolest guy in the IT section. Guys as far as the Network Technician's section are coming to me for advice on how to woo the ladies. Let's just say that, with one tiny lens cleaner, I'm bringing sexy back to IT. (As if it had ever left?!)

Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Name Game

Have you seen those AT&T commercials where they combine several city and state names into a new, convoluted name? For example, here's one where they combine Philadelphia, Delaware, Prague and Chicago to be "Philawarepragueacago."



They also have a commercial where they combine Virginia, Colorado, Sacramento, Flagstaff and San Antonio to be Virgicolamentoflagantonio, and one where they combine Hollywood, New York, Tombstone (Arizona), South America and London, England to be Hollyorkazonasouthameriland. They have a couple more of these commercials, but you get the point.

I decided to try my own hand at this naming exercise and combined some city names in order to see if I could come up with anything that AT&T could use. Who knows, maybe AT&T will give me some free minutes if I can provide them with a new commercially-appropriate name spanning some of their larger markets.

Here are some names I came up with. Hope you like'm, AT&T!

Smackover, Arkansas
Porkey, Pennsylvania
Hooker, Arkansas
Mascara, Algeria
Wittenoom Gorge, Australia
Ding Dong, Texas

The Result? Smack-a-porkey-hooker-wit-ma-ding-dong.

Next I came up with...

Manhattan, NYC, NY
Brothertown, Wisconsin
Istanbul, Turkey
Tot, Sudan
Ally, Virginia
Gay, Michigan

The result? Ma-Brother-Is-Totally-Gay.

Think you can do better? Leave a comment with your names and challenge the Tantrum to a name-off!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

To Do List

My wife had to work all day Saturday so that meant I had the house all to myself. She knew that I would either be really bored or would have an awesome block party unless otherwise directed, so she wrote a little To Do List for me. Here is what was on the list:

1. Wash Clothes
2. Prune trees
3. Balance checkbook
4. Watch football

Washing clothes wasn't a big deal. But the To Do List didn't say to dry or fold the clothes and I wasn't sure what to do without explicit instructions, so I just kept piling more clothes into the washer until I had a good three or four loads washing continuously for several hours. In hindsight I realize that I should have gone above and beyond the call of duty and dried and folded the clothes (and then maybe even put them up in their proper places). Now my wife is angry with me. But as for my To Do List, it clearly only says to "wash" the clothes - Mission Accomplished!

Pruning the trees didn't happen. We have this one tree on the side of the house that stretches its tentacles out over the driveway, and will occasionally rip your Sirius Satellite Radio antenna from the top of your car. (Trees love satellite radio - who doesn't?) But there are bees and hornets munching on some tasty nectar out in that tree, and I didn't want to get stung. Plus we just saw Bee Movie (Jerry Seinfeld's animated awesomeness) and the movie said that bees need nectar and that we need bees to pollinate our crops. Who can blame me for just thinking of future generations by not pruning the trees?

Balancing the checkbook was easy enough. The checkbook wasn't heavy enough to make our digital scale turn on, but I just weighed myself sans checkbook and then weighed myself holding the checkbook, and then wrote down the weight of the checkbook in the register. I'm not sure why Betty has me do this every month, but I just do what I'm told. Now if we could just find something to do with all these receipts she's accumulated....

With those other items crossed off my To Do List it was on to watching football. This one I did like a champion. I started out by watching Wisconsin beat Michigan, then watched some highlights of the Alabama / Mississippi State game, which Alabama lost. Then I watched a little of the Georgia / Auburn game but eventually turned my attention to the Illinois Fighting Illini defeat #1 ranked Ohio State Buckwheats. Go Tigers!

I'm getting ready to listen to LSU crush Louisiana Tech, then I have some pre-NFL stretching to do.

We were even thinking of going out to Tiger Stadium and tailgating with friends, but all of our purple and gold shirts were stuck at the bottom of the washing machine. Dang my incomplete To Do List!

24 in 1994

If you like FOX's "24" then you're gonna love this. This is College Humor's video on what 24 would have been like had it been made in 1994.



Click here if you can't see the embedded video.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Fearless

You might have noticed that I show no fear in any situation whatsoever. And you might have also noticed that the Tanory Tantrum strikes fear in the hearts of millions of other blogs' readers. And now that I've pointed it out, you might be asking yourself, why is it that Bob as well as the Tantrum are both so fearless and yet evoke so much fear in other people?

The answer is obvious: it's the smell.

Japanese scientists have discovered that fear is linked to smell. In fact, some Japanese dudes tell us that the olfactory (or smelling) part of the brain is wired to link smell and fear in two ways: first, there's an innate sense of fear associated with some smells, like when you smell a really old woman closing in for a wet smooch and your fight-or-flight instincts kick in; and second, you can learn if something is dangerous, for instance when you liked your first girlfriend's perfume but then later you knew she was evil and would run as fast as you could whenever you smelled her cheap perfume wafting downwind.

Now that we know how smell relates to fear, it's pretty simple to understand why I am so fearless: it's because I have no sense of smell, so the olfactory part of my brain never gets activated. I doubt many of you are surprised that half of my brain doesn't work correctly.

And as for evoking fear in others, it's because I never shower and therefore I smell like the undead most of the time. As long as I'm around people who have any sense of smell whatsoever, I'm sure to petrify them. Boo!

And to think, my mom always nagged me about showering.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

It's time I admit this to you all: I am a Walter Mitty.

As the middle child of my family, it should come as no surprise that I am able to entertain myself. My imagination runs wild most hours of the day. I daydream uncontrollably. This blog has been my effort at giving my brain an outlet, and in some ways it's been successful.

But when given a few seconds to let my brain wander, the world around me starts to dissolve and my surroundings morph into something else. At this point I usually am no longer able to distinguish reality from fantasy.

For example, if I start to think about dinosaurs, I start imagining a landscape devoid of buildings, telephone poles and billboards. All I see are trees, hills, vegetation and the occasional stegosaurus humping a triceratops. This is all well and good until a T-Rex jumps out at me from behind, and when my daydream is over I find myself hiding behind the recliner with the laundry dumped over me as cover.

And by the time I'm 40 I'll probably be one of those crazy guys on the side of the road talking to himself, because that's what I spend most of the time doing anyway - talking to myself. My wife is constantly yelling, "What did you say?" from the other room, which always leads to questions of whether I said something that I didn't want her to hear, etc. Usually I have no idea that I'm talking to myself.

When I'm in the car driving in Baton Rouge's traffic, I usually picture myself beating someone senseless, knocking out someone's window with a baseball bat, or ramming an old woman's cellphone up her tailpipe. By the way, don't drive angry. Also, don't drive on your cell phone in 5:00 traffic if you have no coordination, otherwise you might be savagely beaten by a short guy with a unibrow.

And as I said before, my ability to distinguish reality from fantasy is slowly fading away. I don't know if I was hallucinating when I saw an 80 year-old woman wearing a blue and white bandanna driving a suped-up F150 today, but it sure was cool.

So if you see me somewhere, either walking or driving, talking to and/or yelling at myself, or if I appear as though I'm running from invisible dinosaurs, just ignore me. It's just my Middle Child Syndrome flaring up again.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The Patio Project

A couple of years ago, LSU raised over $3 million in order to build a state-of-the-art cage for Mike the Tiger. LSU did this in a variety of ways, such as by holding fund-raisers and selling t-shirts, books, paintings, mugs, etc. But one of the more ingenious ways LSU raised money was by selling bricks to be placed outside of the tiger cage.

Now, buying a brick might not have seemed like such a good investment until you realize that your name would be engraved right on the brick for all to see. In fact, you could engrave anything you wanted - your name, the name of someone you love, "Bama Bleauxs" - you name it! All it took was at least one word to engrave forever on the grounds of the exciting new tiger cage, and of course $100.

And if you missed this exciting opportunity to have your name engraved on a brick outside of the tiger cage, have no fear! You now have another chance to name a brick...

By buying the naming rights to one of my new patio bricks.

That's right, the patio is finally being built! Here are some pictures of the outline of the patio as well as its base. They should be laying down the bricks later this week. The only thing holding up these bricks from being laid down is your awesome name engraved via magic marker right on top of them!

Patio Picture 1

Patio Picture 2

Patio Picture 3

LSU sold the naming rights to a single brick for $100. Well, I'm selling my bricks for $20 a brick or $50 for three. The best part is that you can choose the color of the brick you want engraved (colors are light orange and black) and you can also choose the color that you want your name to appear in (black, blue, and whatever other Sharpie colors we currently have in stock). Act now, because bricks are going fast!

Also, you can help support the Patio Project by buying one of the Tantrum's many awesome shirts, such as "My Shirt Must Speak for Me Because I am a Social Retard." You know you want it!

And of course, the price tag of the patio is more than just a dollar figure. I've given the patio to my wife as a Valentine's Day gift for three years running, once for her birthday, and once for Christmas. That's a total of 5 occasions where the patio saved me from an embarrassing scenario where I would otherwise not have had a present. Now I'll have to think of an entirely new fall-back gift for my wife.

So remember, LSU's bricks helped to build a cage for a tiger, but my bricks will help to build a patio for a guy who wears tiger-striped undies. Also, it means I'll have less lawn to mow.

Regardless of whether or not you buy a brick, get ready for one awesome patio party!

Monday, November 05, 2007

The Owner's Manual

The only time I watch Oprah is when Dr. Mehmet Oz, or as I like to call him, "The Wizard," is a guest on the show.

The good Dr. Wizard has a book called "YOU: On a Diet" and has just come out with another book called "YOU: The Owner's Manual." The diet book is about dieting, obviously, and the owner's manual book is about how to reduce the affects of aging and/or how to tape one show while watching another on your DVR.

Basically, Dr. Oz explains why eating right and exercising is so good for your body, and how the body reacts when you either treat it like a temple or treat it like a dime store hooker. What I really like about Dr. Oz is that he explains things in simple terms. It's educational, it's entertainment - it's edutainment! It's like watching Beakman's World or Bill Nye the Science Guy, but for adults, and without the guy in the rat costume. Dr. Oz is the Carl Sagan of body chemistry.

For example, he explains why taking a deep breath helps to reduce stress. According to Wizard Oz, your body has a nerve called the "Vagus Nerve" - which sounds dirty but really isn't - and this particular nerve contacts a lot of organs and sends a bunch of feedback to the brain. When this nerve sends too much info back to the brain, you get really stressed out and then it's hard to focus. You can reduce the pressure on this nerve by taking a deep breath, and this helps to reduce the amount of information bombarding the brain, which ultimately leads to less stress.

Dr. Oz also explains how eating right and exercising can help stop the affects of aging. Your chromosomes have tiny cap-like structures called telomeres, and taking care of your body helps to keep these telomeres from fraying. Once the telomeres fray then the cell can't reproduce, and once your cells can't reproduce then you're basically hosed.

Another reason why I like Dr. Oz so much is that, while answering questions about Erectile Dysfunction, he used Oprah's hand as a prop and told her to "be a penis."

On the topic of Dr. Oz, Oprah and penises, Dr. Oz says that if you're a guy and you lose 35 pounds then you gain one inch of wang which would otherwise be covered up with fat. I'm down 25 pounds on my diet, so that brings my wang up to 2.5 inches... from the floor.

So eat right, exercise, and take care of your body. And if want my advice, jumping on the couch is the best exercise I get all day. Go team!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Going to Hollywood!

Hold on to your knickers, because you might soon see a movie from the Tantrum!

It all started a week or so ago when I learned that members of the Writers Guild of America are going to strike against the TV and Film industries. This opens the door for the less experienced writers to make a name for ourselves.

I figured that I should at least try to make the big time. Why not? Every movie that's come out over the past five years has either been a sequel, a remake of an older movie, or already been released under a different name. Hollywood has been out of ideas for a long time, and it's past due for some new blood in the movie biz.

I've already sent a couple of scripts out to the major movie studios. I can't give you a detailed summary of each of the scripts as I don't want someone else to steal my ideas, but I'll give you the basics.

The first movie is about a superhero with a secret identity. The catch here is that instead of being a working stiff during the day and a superhero at night, he's a superhero during the day and a regular Joe at night. During the day he flies around in spandex and a cape, judo chops bad guys, uses his x-ray vision to look at women's boobies, and is the hero of the universe. But during the night he sits around in his underwear, writing blogs that often make no sense. He eventually has to make a decision in his life: devote more time to saving people's life or spend more time blogging, which is what he really loves the most. In the end he decides to blog about his superhero alter ego and spends most of his time writing nasty stuff about his arch-nemesis, "Older Brother Man."

My second movie is a tragic comedy, or tromedy as we call it in the movie biz, about a guy who starts a Sloppy Joe restaurant in the middle of Tigerland by LSU's campus. The restaurant is only open from 1 am til 4 am, and it makes a lot of money. The comedy aspect of the film comes from all of the drunken characters who order at the restaurant. The tragedy part is where all the customers die from E. Coli poisoning at the end of the movie.

The only bad part about the Writers Guild of America going on strike is that most of the great TV shows that I have been waiting all Summer for - like 30 Rock, The Office, SNL - might now be reruns until the strike is settled. Unless, of course, one of those studios wants to hire the Tantrum full time.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Google's Glitch

Google employees are currently trying to fix a glitch with their website where some photos are not matching up to the corresponding news story.

For example, when searching for "LSU vs. Alabama," Google displays pictures of Satan wearing an Alabama cap being humped by a tiger. And when searching for "Nick Saban," a picture of an elephant appears to be holding a big bag of money with his trunk, and also getting reamed from behind by a tiger. Very strange.

When I searched for the score to the Boston College vs. Florida State game, a picture of a Native American tribe getting drunk and setting fire to cars outside of a casino appeared. This one may have been the correct picture, actually, because #2 Boston College was defeated by unranked Florida State. Geaux Tigers!

If Google needs help fixing this glitch, I know a good programmer who might be able to help. All I ask is that they keep up the picture of Brad Pitt alongside a link for the Tanory Tantrum.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Lovely Lady Humps

My wife wants to be a fit pregnant hottie, so we bought her a Pilates video called "10 Minute Solution: Prenatal Pilates."

Dude. This video is disgusting! Instead of being called "Prenatal Pilates," it should be called "Prenatal Porn."

The video's instructor is Lizbeth Garcia, who does a lot of other fitness videos. In this one, she is 36 weeks preggers.

In the "Standing Pilates" section - where you do Pilates standing up (duh) - LizBeth instructs the viewers to do a "pelvic thrust." Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all in favor of pelvic thrusts. In fact, I have my own work-out video specifically designed to help men and women of all ages perfect their pelvic thrusts and power humps. But watching a 36 week pregnant woman thrust that belly to and fro in skin-tight spandex was just too weird for me. There's just something wrong with zooming in on a pregnant woman's crotch as she rocks back and forth.

There was other stuff that was so disturbing that I don't even think I can write about. Let's just say that it definitely got pretty weird when she used her belly as a fitness ball.

I think Betty and I will just go back to our old workout routine, where I yell out inappropriate things that I want to post on the blog, and then she chases me around the house with a frying pan and tries to swat me. That seems to be working pretty well so far.