My old roommate and his longtime lady-friend are getting married in New Orleans this weekend. It seems like just 6 years ago that I was spying on them getting it on through the lock on his door. Our little boy is growing up!
I have some advice for his soon-to-be wife. Sure, you've shacked up with him for 10 years or so, but you don't know someone until you really have to live with him. And I mean really have to live with him. For instance, you could just leave and go to your own apartment if you two had a fight. But not me - I had to sit in the corner and mourn the loss of my nightly habit of watching you two getting it on through the lock on his door. (Have I mentioned that part already?)
My first tidbit of advice to you, soon-to-be Mrs. Former Roommate, is to always take care of his needs. I'm not talking about cooking and cleaning - God forbid you ever have to eat something he's made - but I'm talking about common, everyday tasks like writing bills. He once asked me where the stamp goes on the envelope. To be fair, I had pranked him by stamping a "put stamp here, Post Office will not deliver mail without postage" stamp on the top left part of all of his envelopes. I was bored that day....
My second piece of advice is to have a separate bank account. You're welcome!
My only advice to you, Former Roommate, is to never stop trying to impress your wife.
So here's to my former roommate and his misses! May you have a very happy life together, and may your key hole be totally blocked on your wedding night!
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago