I just thought of a brilliant idea: A bed that cleans you while you sleep. I call it the Bed, Bath and Beyond.
It would work like so: You sweat when you sleep, and that means you're covered in a thin layer of water and salt for most of the night. As you move around in the night to get comfortable, the salt from your sweat rubs against the sheets and blankets, creating friction. Now, if we could have some sort of time-release capsule or a certain chemical in the blanket that could be combined with your body's sweat then heated up by the friction to cook the ingredients just right, we can create a synthetic soap.
Then voila! No more showering!
Just like how an electric blanket has different settings on it - from "warm and toasty" to "my genitals are on fire!" - the time-release function of the Bed, Bath and Beyond would have different levels of soapiness. If you wanted to take a bubble bath and a cat nap at the same time, well, that's not a problem for our nifty product. Just crank up the dial on the blanket and put on your night-mask, and get ready for some good "clean" fun.
If you were making love to your spouse, partner or favorite inanimate object, you could get dirty and get all cleaned up at the same time. The synthetic soap could also function as deodorant and cologne.
Wearing a mouth guard? I'm sure we could turn that into a toothbrush.
Now I just need to think of a way to have my bed shave me and make me breakfast, and then I'll be able to take care of myself once the baby arrives and my wife can no longer micro-manage me.
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago