Sunday, March 16, 2008

Killer Instincts

Once when I was a kid I was bit by a Brown Recluse spider. The spider bit me right by the nook of my arm. I was probably 13 or so at the time, but I still have the scars from that bite on my arm 15 years later. I must have some residual nerve damage from that bite, because whenever I scratch around those old bite marks, the tips of my fingers tingle.

Since then I have declared war on insects.

One thing I love to do when I kill any type of bug is to loudly declare how the bug died. For instance, if I squish a bug with my shoe, I will shout out for all the world to hear, "Death by New Balance!" Oh, bugs know. Bugs fear the New Balance.

My dad bought me one of those electric bug zappers in the shape of a tennis racket, which is fun to use at night when you can watch terrified bugs die in a fiery explosion via 1,500 volts of electric energy. "Death by Electric Tennis Racket," I say, as I blow the smoking remains of the fried bug off of my weapon. Seriously, this thing is great for parties.

And on Saturday I caught 5 wasps doing a reconnaissance mission around my patio. I tracked them back to their home, sprayed them with insecticide, then did a multi-hit combo of electric tennis racket stabbing and New Balance bludgeoning. Ssst! Zap! Pow! "Death by multi-faceted attack utilizing electricity, insecticide and New Balance!"

These are only small battles in the grand scheme of war with the insects. But we must persist. Bugs need to be taught a lesson. They need to understand that they can't just bite us whenever they feel like it. They can't spread malaria, encephalitis, dengue and West Nile with impunity. And most importantly of all, they can't munch on the nook of my arm without permission.

Nobody bites my arm without asking me! Nobody!

I have been permanently scarred by a spider. But I will have my revenge. No bug is safe as long as I have my electric tennis racket, my New Balance sneakers, and one or more cans of insecticide. Oh, and the fact that my wife continues to call me a ninny for being scared of bugs only adds fire to my fury.

Death to insects!

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