We are officially t-minus two weeks away from the baby's due date. Actually, we are about 12 days away. If I had to describe how I feel right now it would be "Excightened!" which is a combination of "Excited!" and "Frightened!"
Or maybe that's just indigestion. I need to stop eating my anxiety away!
One of the most common questions we get is do we think the baby is a boy or a girl. My official answer is, "I think the baby is a girl. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've had to mentally prepare myself for a girl."
Which is true: I have had to mentally prepare myself for a girl. My female friends don't agree with me that a man needs to mentally prepare himself for a daughter, but that's because women just don't understand....
Men and women are different. Our bodies work differently, especially our hormones. Men's bodies create the most testosterone around age 18, which means that 18 year old men are just ticking time bombs. When you're male, and a teenager, and are filled to the brim with hormones, you'd just about hump anything that doesn't mace you. I remember what it was like to be a teenager, when my body thought its sole purpose was to create testosterone... and I think I was one of the "good guys," too, which makes having a daughter so much scarier.
Women have no way of understanding what this feels like, because women never feel this way about men. As far as I know, my wife has yet to exhibit any kind of sexual attraction to me, other than that one time when she got pregnant.
My point is, I know how it felt to be a teenager, so I know what's on a boy's mind. And kids today are different than when I was a kid - they're growing up faster these days. This is a scary world to raise a daughter in. I'll be damned if any boy is going to be around my daughter without me present. And I know that I can't be everywhere at once.
This, my friends, is why I've had to mentally prepare myself for a daughter.
The good news is that I won't really have to worry about any of this until my daughter is 16 or so. That means I have a good 16 years to think of a way to kill any boy who tries to get cozy with my daughter, think up a good alibi, and start booby-trapping my house and yard in order to put my plans into effect.
If you are a father of a young girl and have any good thoughts on how to deter young men (other than shining your shotgun in front of them while videotaping their oath of having your daughter home at 11 the night of Prom), please leave a comment.
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago