If you ever want to be the center of attention while amongst strangers, try walking through the neighborhood grocery store with a dozen roses in your hand.
This solitary action elicits all kinds of responses. From women you'll get, "Aww, those are beautiful! What are they for?" and from men you'll get, "Did something wrong, eh buddy?"
I explained to the old women in line ahead of me that these were "Doghouse flowers." Ah, they said as they nodded in encouragement. Yes, we understand. Good luck to you! We hope she forgives you for whatever you've done. She probably will, since you're getting her flowers. Or maybe she won't, since you had to buy so many.
Then comes the dreaded question: "What exactly did you do?"
We know what I did. Let's not go into it again. We all know it was dumb. I'm forgiven for the moment, and let's let sleeping dogs lie. For the record, I'm calling anyone in particular a dog.
After I told them they were no longer on my side as much. Yes, they said, we can see why she's angry. One lady even pushed her cart into my car out in the parking lot then shot me the bird on the way out.
"Hey!" I yelled. "That ain't where that buggy goes!"
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
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