I always thought if I had a baby girl then I would become an even bigger puss than usual. But I've found that the opposite is true: all I think about is protecting my ladies in the most violent way possible, depending on the situation of course.
Even my dreams have been really violent. But having bad dreams isn't so bad - they've actually allowed me to envision several dangerous scenarios and then mentally act out possible responses. In my dreams I always win, of course, but that's usually because "Dream Bob" is totally awesome and super-strong.
My dream last night involved a carjacker, and to thwart him I ran up behind him and kicked him in the back of the knee, then stabbed him in the neck with one of my keys. I've been whittling one of my keys into a super-sharp knife for about three weeks now and I think I can puncture a jugular vein if I have to. My dream only affirmed this response to a carjacker.
My dream two nights ago involved a home intruder attacking me in my kitchen, and since in my dream I was eating at the time I used my fork to stab the assailant's brain via his forehead. It was grotesque, but it didn't stop me from finishing my dream dinner. And good thing we registered for the good silverware, right!?
Now I know what you're saying: "Bob, you're a short, chubby, flabby computer programmer. Nobody is scared of you. Even your wife's Kindergarten class occasionally beats you up."
Touche', dear Reader. But little did you know that I have been honing my skills to become...
A Network Ninja!
That's right! Every day at work I do actual work for 30 minutes, then I pop up from my chair, lay belly-down on the ground and do 50 push-ups. I then do lunges over to the coffee bar, do a couple of power squats while I pour myself a couple cups of Joe, then flex my butt muscles as I walk back to my cubicle. Once there I "air chair" while I work for another 15 minutes, then it's rest time until the next rep.
So you see, I'm in training, both mentally and physically. Right now I'm lightning quick, and my next goal is to improve my physical strength. I just hope and pray that I never have to use my mad skillz in actual combat. Until then, bring on the virtual assailants.
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago