To all of you mothers out there, as well as all of you bad mother-watch-yo-mouths, Happy Mother's Day!
Last year for Mother's Day I said, and I quote, "Mom, for your mother's day gift I'm going to work on getting you a grandbaby. It will either be a really cute, happy and smart child (just like me!) or will be adopted from Africa."
Well, Mom, I did not tell a lie. I did work on getting you a grandbaby, and I succeeded. Your grandchild is really cute, happy and smart (just like me). All it took was a lot of alcohol (for Betty) and a single iTunes download of the Rocky theme song played at top volume for endless hours (and by "endless hours" I mean two minutes).
In honor of my mother I'd like to tell the story about how I was born, and I'd like to tell it in terms of a children's book, which my mom can then read to me while she reminisces about those good old days when I was a kid.
How I Made My Mother the Happiest Woman in the Entire Universe
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a king presided over his castle in a place called Tanory Land. The king, known to his peasant serfdom as the Little Duke, had a beautiful queen named Queen Lynn, whom the peasants called Lynn-of-the-Wild because she was not of the same culture as the Little Duke. Some said she was an angel, and others said she was a mixture of English, Scottish, Irish, German and Native American, and others thought she was of the fairy world and had mystical powers. But all agreed that she was beautiful.
One day the Little Duke and Lynn-of-the-Wild decided that they needed an heir to the throne. So they got it on and nine months later there came a baby boy which they named Toddliwinks. Toddliwinks was a mischievous child with a huge head, but nevertheless the Little Duke taught Toddliwinks everything he knew about how to run a kingdom.
Soon the Little Duke and Lynn-of-the-Wild had another baby, this one a beautiful baby boy whom they named Bobooska. Bobooska was strong, handsome and tall (for a Tanory, anyway) and soon became a favorite of all of the maidens of the court as well as with the royal family.
Bobooska was such a great child that the king and queen decided to have another baby, in the hopes that the third child would be as beautiful and wonderful as Bobooska. But the third child was a girl which meant she could never rule over Tanory Land based on the paternal laws of kingdom-owning as decided by the original founding Tanory clan, and so on and so forth, and so both Toddliwinks and the young girl (simply known as "the Princess") were banished to the west to live out their days in a place called "Houston." We will not dwell on that demonic place in this story.
Eventually Bobooska was declared the "Favorite Child" and came to rule over Tanory Land. He was a great, charismatic leader whom everyone loved, and while under his rule the Tanory clan multiplied to the joy of all. Lynn-of-the-Wild was so happy that her son was so terrific that she soon became the happiest woman in the entire universe. Bobooska soon declared that pizza should be eaten at every meal and afterwards everyone in Tanory Land lived happily ever after.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom!
P.S. Betty, thank you for being such a wonderful mother to our daughter. You have a big job taking care of both me and Anne, but I'm sure you're up for the challenge. Enjoy your first Mother's Day! I love you!
Hacker, Hack Thyself
2 months ago