Thursday, May 15, 2008

Umbrella Policy

I didn't quite make it to work on Thursday.

I meant to. I got up, shaved, showered, admired my body in the mirror, ironed, made my coffee, hopped in my car and slowly backed out of the driveway. But when I looked to see if any other cars were zooming down my street, I saw that my patio's umbrella had migrated from the back yard to the front, where it was protecting the neighbor's driveway from the harsh torrential downpour that was ongoing since the night before.

I hopped out of my car and sloshed my way through the front yard towards my umbrella. The umbrella looked haggard: the fabric had come off of the poles in several places, and part of the top of the umbrella had snapped off. I used the umbrella to shield myself from the rain as I wrestled with it to get all the poles back in place.

Did I mention that it was raining?

"Raining" may be too weak of a word to describe what was happening right about then. I almost had to use my umbrella as a boat to float myself back towards my house. I dubbed the rising water in my front yard "Lake Tanory." I was drenched from head to toe, and I had only been exposed to the elements for about 20 seconds.

I used the fireman's carry to bring the umbrella back to its home on the patio. I fit it back through the hole in the patio table, only to find that part of the umbrella stand had come out when the umbrella been ripped out it. Irritated, I yanked the umbrella back out, at which point I accidentally smacked the gutters with the top of the umbrella, which made a loud clanging sound which woke up both Betty and the baby. I fixed the umbrella stand, fit the umbrella back through the hole in the table, then stripped and wrung the water out of my clothes.

I was wet and irritated, the baby was crying, I had a lot of work to do and was going to be late for work. What was I to do?

Like any red-blooded American man, I decided to not go to work.

But just because I didn't go to work doesn't mean I didn't work. I VPN'd into work from home and finished several of the billions of projects on my queue. And because I wasn't present at work, I didn't have the usual interruptions that would have occurred during the normal workday, which meant I got more done on Thursday than the rest of the week combined.

So I guess I should thank my umbrella for trying to escape from my back yard. If it weren't for you, Dearest Umbrella, I would have never had the chance to spend all day with my ladies while working from home in my underwear.

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