I received my rebate check from the Feds a few days ago and I just couldn't wait to spend it. But I didn't want to just spend my check anywhere. The Gov't told me it's a stimulus rebate, and by golly I mean to stimulate someone with it!
I decided that our police department is very deserving of a raise, and determined to give some of my rebate to our hardworking men in blue. But I didn't want to just give it to any old guy dressed as a cop. I wanted to find a real cop, and the only way to do that was to commit some sort of crime.
So I hopped in my car and started speeding down the highway. I occasionally darted through traffic, ran at least four lights, and turned left from the right-most lane (a trick I learned from a cabbie in New York). I finally skidded into a parking place at work, thoroughly depressed that I couldn't stimulate a police officer with my huge stimulus package.
I tried not to be too hard on myself. I told myself that the cops must be accustomed to people in Baton Rouge driving like complete idiots, and that must be why I was not pulled over.
But later that day on my way home from work, I was doing a whopping 51 in a 40 and was pulled over. Finally! Someone worthy of a good stimulatin'! But I was disappointed, because at this point I wasn't trying to get pulled over - the road I was on turns into Old Jefferson Highway, which has speed limit of 50 most of the way, and I just assumed this part of Old Jefferson Highway was 50 as well. You know what they say when you "assume."
So the cop pulls me over, writes me up a ticket, and then failed to follow in pursuit after I peeled out and tried to lead him in a high-speed chase. Oh well... maybe next time.
After the cost of my ticket and the Defensive Driving class I will be taking on Saturday, I still have another nice chunk of change to give to the next worthy individual. I think the next person I'll give money to is a fireman. What do you think?
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago