I used to start every day the same way: with a tasty and nutritious Spongebob Squarepants vitamin. Some days I would chew them, other days I would swallow them whole. One day I even dissolved a vitamin in my morning coffee. Yeah, you probably don't want to do that last one.
I always knew what kind of day I would have when I took my Spongebob vitamins. There were three possible characters to choose from, each with its own distinct flavor and daily horoscope. If I got a Sandy Cheeks vitamin then I knew I would sit on my butt for most of the day but would whup ass when it got to crunch time. If I got a Patrick Star vitamin then I would be a shining star at work, albeit a little dimwitted at times. And if fate dealt me a Spongebob then I would have an all-around awesome day and would absorb lots of knowledge.
But last week when Betty went to the store, the unthinkable happened: they were all out of Spongebob vitamins. Nooooooo!!!
Instead, Betty got me Flintstones. (She knows my sensitive stomach can only handle pizza, grease and children's vitamins.)
I'm slowly adjusting to my new vitamins. But whereas I knew what kind of day I would have with my old trusty Spongebob vitamins, there are 8 Flintstones characters to choose from - Fred, Wilma, Barney, Betty, Pebbles, Bam Bam, Dino and the Great Gazoo - and I have no idea what to expect from each.
Today was my first day of taking my new Flintstones and I got a Dino. "What kind of day will I have?!" I thought to myself. "I don't have enough data to know what type of trend to expect! I am totally unprepared!"
I tried to plan out my day by thinking about the character. Dino is the Flintstone's pet and is analogous to a dog. Would this mean I would have a dog day? Or would I feel the need to mark my cubicle as my territory? Or would I contract rabies and foam at the mouth while running SQL queries? There are too many unknowns!
I'm scared that if I get a Fred or a Barney then I'll forget to wear pants, or that I'll act like a child if I get a Pebbles or Bam Bam. And if I nab a Great Gazoo, I need to remember to bring my helmet for when I pop in and out of space/time. I have no idea what's in store for me if I get a Wilma or Betty.
Betty thinks I'm taking all of this too seriously. But I know I'm right because, as the saying goes, you are what you eat.
To Serve Man, with Software
1 month ago