If there is one word to describe our trip to see Betty's family in Atlanta over the weekend, it is this:
It all started with a friendly game of pool volleyball. Normally I pride myself on my prowess within the pool, especially when playing in the shallow section, but in this particular match I was getting my ass handed to me. Imagine all of the things that you can't do without an ass, then picture yourself doing them in the pool. I'm sure that playing volleyball is tops on that list.
My opponent was worthy, and I was having to work extra hard to even return a volley. But I was letting my anger affect my play. I wanted to channel my emotions to improve my game, so midway through our third match I decided to take it up a notch.
My opponent hit a ball to my far left. I dove, looking like an overfed dolphin jumping out of the water, all the while stretching my arm out as far as it would go. I made contact with the ball, but unfortunately it was limited to the very top of my fingers. The weight of the ball stretched my fingers all the way back to the hand, and once the ball hit the water (sadly, on my side of the pool), my fingers snapped back into their proper place.
Here's where the shrinkage comes in: the force of my fingers snapping back into place propelled my wedding ring off of my shrunken finger and out into the backyard.
"Someone's ring just flew off!" I heard someone with a faint Canadian accent yell. "Did anyone lose a ring?"
I felt myself, then felt for my ring. Yes, it was I, I who could not hit the volleyball over the net but could apparently shoot my ring 400 feet foul to the right.
The ring flew into Betty's uncle's backyard, which just happened to slope down several hundred yards into a lake. My ring could be anywhere. I looked on the bright side: In order to get a new ring, Betty and I could get married again and go on another honeymoon. Then I looked on the down side: my wife was gonna kill me before that happened.
But there's a happy ending to this story: my opponent from the pool volleyball game found my ring. I then forfeited my game against him, which put him into the family tournament's final match, which he won. All thanks to me and my ring. And my shrinkage.
Hacker, Hack Thyself
2 months ago