On Thursday the patio I gave to my wife over the course of four years of marriage was slowly being taken over by bastard ant squatters. Betty noticed a small ant pile forming in the middle of our patio, and as Man of the House it was my job to thwart them. I only had ten minutes to kick ant ass and take names, because we were throwing a shower for our friend Kim that night and I still needed to change into my butler outfit.
I got out my jug of bug poison and sprayed the living crap out of the ant pile. Ants started pouring out and running around in circles, apparently taking evasive action. Some ants died, and others seemed unaffected. I squeezed my spray gun until my hand cramped up, then switched hands and sprayed the ants all the way to the back yard.
Afterward I set up some Citronella torches for the shower. When I was done, I noticed that the ants were making a strong comeback. But as luck would have it I had an extra ounce of torch fuel left. I decided that these ants were either going to burn in Hell for all eternity, or burn on my patio for the next five minutes. Either way, I was looking for an easy way to get rid of ants and mosquitoes at the same time.
I doused the ant pile with the remaining Citronella fuel and threw a match on it. It went up pretty quickly. Don't worry, the house and patio furniture were far enough away from the flaming river of ant corpses that we weren't at risk of burning down the house. But there was a slight moment of panic because I didn't take into consideration that the fuel would flow through the cracks of the patio's brick pattern. Lucky for me, the patio slopes to the back yard, which meant it burned through the path of ants like lava flowing down from a volcano.
I don't mean to brag, but it was awesome.
One tiny ant ran around on fire for a few seconds, trailing smoke and pheromones. I don't know whether its death should be attributed to the severe burns it sustained or because the fire sucked the oxygen from its tiny, bastard ant lungs, thus suffocating it. Either way, I felt the need to publicly humiliate it by picking its smoldering corpse up with a garden tool and throwing it into another ant pile I found in the back yard.
Yeah, ants, I'm talking to you. Go bug my neighbors. Or die in a flaming plume of Citronella fuel, your choice.
By the way, don't try this at home... unless ants are taking over your patio and your wife is yelling at you to do something - then maybe it's okay.
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago