Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Mardi Gras Wobble, the Remix

My cousins produced what is sure to be this Mardi Gras' biggest hit, the Mardi Gras Wobble!

If you didn't check it out the last time I wrote about it, now is the perfect time to check it out, because they just released a "remix."

Check it out at this link!

I put "remix" in quotes because most remixes are more a techno-ish version of the original, with more drum tracks, bass, etc. But this is a New Orleans-style remix, featuring Irvin Mayfield, a trumpeter who is the Cultural Ambassador to the City of New Orleans, as well as the artists BG and Mr. Zydeco himself, Rockin' Dopsie, Jr.

If you're going to be in New Orleans for Mardi Gras and want to hear it on the radio, call the following radio stations and tell them to play it or you'll give some ugly women beads so they'll flash their breasts outside of their buildings:

B97.1 - Request Line: 1-504-260-9797
Q93.3 - Request Line: 1-504-260-9393

Remember, if my cousins get rich and famous from this then I can potentially skate my way through the rest of my life by free-loading off their success. So let's get to Wobbling!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Google Analytics and World Domination

The Tantrum is going global!

I recently started tracking my web traffic with Google Analytics. This has revealed some interesting things.

The first interesting thing is that people from all across the globe somehow stumble onto my blog, and some of them actually stay for more than 2 seconds - although 2 seconds seems to be pushing it for most people. I'd like to say hi to my new friends in the Philippines, Australia, Nicaragua, Ireland, Costa Rica, and Sri Lanka!

The second interesting thing I found out is that people find my blog by Googling various search terms, some of which are listed below:



Before Google Analytics, I basically just looked at my email subscriber list (yes, you can subscribe to the Tantrum via email) and tried to determine if it was going up or down. But now that I know that people need advice on hairy pre-teens or the Sonic sweetheart blast, it should be pretty simple to form future blogs around those topics.

So to you out there, wherever you are in the world, whether you are hoping for Carrie Underwood to finally plead guilty to trashing her ex-boyfriend's car or looking into ways to squeeze your rump into spandex, thanks for reading!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Bloggers Anonymous

In my never-ending search for interesting topics and/or time-wasters, I was going to start a new side project called "Anonymous." My profile picture would be a shadowy silhouette and my real identity would remain unknown to all but my closest inner circle (ie, my bookshelf and remote). The entire point of the blog would be to take credit for all of the anonymous material out there on the web. Occasionally I would gloat about another person's anonymous comment, catchphrase or donation, and claim to be the source of several anonymous books and self-help programs.

It's the perfect crime!

I eventually scrapped the project after I realized that I have enough on my plate with my job, my never-ending To Do List to get the house ready for the baby, and reruns of Scrubs on Comedy Central.

Your homework assignment is to do something nice for someone anonymously - anonymous in the sense that the beneficiary won't know that you did something nice for them, but you'll still tell me and all of my other readers. Otherwise, how else can I take credit for it when I decide to start up my Anonymous project again?

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Rolling with my Homies

Painting the baby's room gave me a chance to do something that I haven't done in several years: be somewhat useful.

Luckily for Betty, her father was here to make sure that my usefulness was kept in check. Otherwise, I would be writing about how I paid some Mexicans a lot of money to come and paint over all of my mistakes.

I began my efforts at being somewhat useful on Saturday morning by applying tape to the base boards and all around the windows, doors, etc, so that we could paint the walls. Usually I enjoy putting tape on random things, but this process took actual concentration and skill, and therefore was tedius and boring.

[Picture: Bob Taping]

I did make a lovely blue tapeworm out of it, so I guess it wasn't all for nothing.

Next, I began a process known as "cutting in," which was basically painting around the areas that I taped (as mentioned previously), because those would be areas hard to paint with a roller. I only know what "cutting in" is because my mother-in-law explained it to me after taking several knives away from me beforehand.

[Picture: Bob Cutting]

Next I ate lunch and feigned abdominal cramps, but my wife made me continue painting like the slave driver she is.

My father-in-law, Jimmy, painted the ceiling while I cut in the paint on the wall. When he was finished I used the roller to apply a nice coat of greenish paint all over the room. We had some green paint remaining when I was done, so I used the rest to roll green paint outside all over my front yard, which previously had turned black and dead-looking. There are more important things in this world than the lawn.

[Picture: Bob Rolling]

While Jimmy and I painted, my mother-in-law made the bumpers for the baby bed. Apparently the baby bed converts not only to a larger bed but also converts into a car, and my mother-in-law wants to make sure that the baby car is safe.

[Picture: Jane Bumpering]

On Sunday we finished the base boards. I took this as a sign that we were done and immediately began my victory lap to the bedroom so I could take a nap, but Betty had other ideas. My worst fears are realized - she thinks that Jimmy and I did such a great job on the baby's room and now we have to paint the baby's bathroom. The horror... the horror!

But I'm very satisfied with the baby's room. The best part is that we can use the green room as a "green screen," which should help for future photoshopped calendars.

[Picture: Bob and Jimmy in front of the Green Screen]

Saturday, January 26, 2008

My Masterpiece

Just call me Michelangelo, for today I am going to paint my masterpiece.

I'm going to start with four walls - one whole wall, one wall with a window in it, one with a door in it, and one with a closet - and will apply at least two coats of greenish paint fully and lavishly.

It will be my masterpiece!

Some of you may be thinking, "Bob, you've set the bar really low if you think painting a couple of walls the same color is a masterpiece." Is that so, Doubter? Well take a look at this piece that we found in the Museum of Modern Art in NYC:

[Picture: Blue by Yves Klein]

[Picture: Blue by Yves Klein, info]

This picture is of "Blue" by Yves Klein, and if it is worthy enough to hang in a museum then I'm going to have to start charging people who want to take a look at the baby's room, since it will essentially be a replica of Klein's work but in green.

Oh, all right, I'll waive the fee as long as you promise to change the baby's diaper at least once. Deal?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Paint It Black

Saturday we're going to paint the baby's room. Since we don't know the gender of the baby we're just going to paint the room a light green. I wanted to paint a big solar system with various colors and paint textures, but Betty said no because the color of Saturn's rings wouldn't match the baby bedding.

I assumed at this point that she also vetoed the solar system baby bedding. Bummer!

So Wednesday night we wiped down the walls with soap and water. Who knew how effective soap and water is at getting rid of dirt?! Maybe I should start showering again instead of just dousing myself with cologne and rubbing deodorant on my armpits and feet.

I've never painted an entire room before. My last experience with paint was when I painted some boards that we used for shelves in our pantry. During that painting adventure, bugs got stuck in the paint and my wife got mad at me for simply painting over them.

[Picture: Testing the wood for durability before using them as my shelves.]

Hopefully I will do a great job painting so that my baby will enjoy his or her room, but won't do such a wonderful job that my wife expects me to paint more of the house. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heath Ledger Dead at 28

I was shocked this afternoon to read that actor Heath Ledger has died.

What a loss!

I'll be honest - I wasn't a fan of Heath Ledger. It would be wrong of me to say that I liked the guy when there is documented proof that I thought he was a terrible actor. Actually, he was always the one person who I could always depend on to lower my expectations of a movie, until the new Batman movie trailers started showing him as the Joker, which looks really good.

But in general, I loved to hate him.

In fact, I loved to hate him in 10 Things I Hate About You, The Patriot, Monster's Ball, A Knight's Tale, and especially The Four Feathers. Wow did that movie suck! Then again, I hated all of these movies, although there is one part in Monster's Ball that's worth watching again and again to make me feel good.

I used to say that anything Heath Ledger was in was totally gay, and then Brokeback Mountain came out. Case in point?

Having said all of that, Heath Ledger always seemed like a decent guy. If I had to kill off one celebrity, I wouldn't have chosen Heath Ledger. Sure, I would club Paris Hilton like she were a baby seal, or throw Britney Spears into a pit full of half-starved hogs. But Heath Ledger? Never. In fact, now that I'm reading about his life in all of the online news outlets, he seemed like a pretty cool guy.

I wish I could like his movies more now that he is gone, but I'll have to settle for just respecting him more now that I've read about him. So here's to Heath Ledger.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Free Microsoft Office via Windows Vista Bug

If you've been in the market lately for a new computer then you probably know that almost every new computer has Windows Vista installed on it instead of Windows XP.

Recently I helped my in-laws buy a new computer and found that Vista was my only option. Sure, Dell still installs XP on some laptop models, but we were shopping for desktops. Anyway, I did my research and found that most of the severe Vista bugs would probably not affect my in-laws, so we went ahead and got a fancy new computer with Vista installed.

I'm a computer professional, and one of the things that I routinely do is go to different seminars around Baton Rouge and try to absorb some of the knowledge floating around me. Most of these seminars bring people in by offering door prizes, and one of the door prizes that we all love to win are free copies of Microsoft Office. (They make great coasters after you install the software.)

Microsoft Office is like $150, so when I bought my in-laws' computer I didn't buy Office because I thought I already had a set of CDs. Why pay that much if you have the CDs at home, right? Well, it turns out that I chunked those CDs a while ago for some unknown reason, and was about to ask my other computer professional friends to cough up their door prizes when all of a sudden... Vista crashed.

Now, most of the time when Vista crashes, someone somewhere writes a huge rant about how crappy Vista is. In this case, I'm here to tell you that Vista saved me a lot of hassle.

You see, Vista has "restore" functionality built into it, and when it crashes it just reverts back to the last known set of working programs. In my case, Microsoft Office was one of those programs.

That's right, we got Microsoft Office for free due to a Vista crash!

What usually happens when manufacturers ship computers is that they have an image, or snapshot, of a working operating system. When you buy a computer and select the software you want, someone doesn't sit there and install all of that crap for you. They just throw on a snapshot of the most common programs and then add or delete programs as needed. Microsoft Office is most likely one of the most purchased programs, so it was installed on the image but then removed from the system once I said I didn't want it. When the restore occurred, it grabbed that old version of Office. Now my in-laws have Office, and I no longer have to mug the guys who win the door prizes at the next software seminar.

So you see, Vista isn't all that bad. You just have to know how to use its defects to your advantage.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Jazzing It Up

My buddy's wedding in New Orleans was great! The priest was hilarious, but one serious thing he said was that the mass during church counted for Sunday. This is a major victory for Ol' Bob, as my wife always tries to guilt trip me into going to mass on Sunday even after getting communion on Friday or Saturday during a wedding. I'm glad the church finally set a precedent on this important issue.

The reception was one of the best I've ever been to. I met up with my old buddy, Tom Collins, as well as a lot of my old fraternity buddies. Betty couldn't drink, since she's preggers, so I drank for two. (I ate for three, since my wife has gestational diabetes and couldn't properly enjoy the food. Aren't I such a good husband?)

A bus took us from the hotel in the French Quarter to the wedding, then to the reception hall, and finally back to the hotel. But this bus only made one trip, which meant the 85 year old grandparents had to stay at the reception hall all night if they expected a ride home on the bus. On our "bus trip" back to the hotel after the wedding, one very drunk girl stood in the aisle at the front of the bus and started dancing, and all of the very old and tired people at the front of the bus started clapping for her. Only in New Orleans!

My parents and sister went to a different wedding, where my sister was the Maid of Honor, and also where my sister's debit and credit cards were stolen from her purse at the reception hall. This isn't my sister's first run-in with crime in New Orleans - one or two Mardi Gras ago, she and her friends were held up at gun point. The crime rate in New Orleans has always been pretty bad, which is why I hide my money in my jockstrap. At least this way I know that the only time I'm ever really in danger of being robbed is at a strip club on Bourbon.

When we weren't at weddings, getting robbed or getting drunk on fruity drinks, we were exploring the city and putting money back into the economy. Betty and I saw "Hurricane on the Bayou" at the Imax in the Aquarium, and it was incredible. If you're in New Orleans and need to kill 45 minutes, this is a great way to do so. We also went to "Court of Two Sisters" for brunch, which was an expensive but tasty buffet.

Finally, we ended our time in New Orleans in the French Quarter, listening to a street band playing a jazzed up version of Amazing Grace. On our way out of town we passed under the Interstate and saw a lot of homeless people in tents, which has become known as Tent City. It's amazing that with all of the tragedy that this city has endured, someone can still belt out Amazing Grace in the middle of it all.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Walking to New Orleans

My old roommate and his longtime lady-friend are getting married in New Orleans this weekend. It seems like just 6 years ago that I was spying on them getting it on through the lock on his door. Our little boy is growing up!

I have some advice for his soon-to-be wife. Sure, you've shacked up with him for 10 years or so, but you don't know someone until you really have to live with him. And I mean really have to live with him. For instance, you could just leave and go to your own apartment if you two had a fight. But not me - I had to sit in the corner and mourn the loss of my nightly habit of watching you two getting it on through the lock on his door. (Have I mentioned that part already?)

My first tidbit of advice to you, soon-to-be Mrs. Former Roommate, is to always take care of his needs. I'm not talking about cooking and cleaning - God forbid you ever have to eat something he's made - but I'm talking about common, everyday tasks like writing bills. He once asked me where the stamp goes on the envelope. To be fair, I had pranked him by stamping a "put stamp here, Post Office will not deliver mail without postage" stamp on the top left part of all of his envelopes. I was bored that day....

My second piece of advice is to have a separate bank account. You're welcome!

My only advice to you, Former Roommate, is to never stop trying to impress your wife.

So here's to my former roommate and his misses! May you have a very happy life together, and may your key hole be totally blocked on your wedding night!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Neti Pot

Betty was having sinus issues so, on one of our family member's suggestions, we went to Walgreens and picked up a "neti pot". Let me tell you, if you've never seen a neti pot before then you haven't experienced life in its fullest.

The neti pot is a miniature tea pot that you pour lukewarm water and salt into. Then, instead of filling up a tea cup with this delicious brine, you instead jam the pot's spout into one nostril, tilt your head, and pour water into your sinus cavity. Yes, it comes out the other nostril, and yes, it's totally awesome.

It's just like what you did to your kid sister's tea pots when you were a kid, only this time your mom won't punish you.

Here's a quick demo.



Betty wanted me to be a guinea pig and try the neti pot first, but I declined. I'm not into these fancy "new wave" medical procedures. I get rid of my sinus troubles the old-fashioned way: by applying pressure to the side of one nostril with my finger, squinting one eye, and blowing as hard as I can until my snot rocket blasts off into space.

But Betty did great with it. She got a good flow going and her sinuses did in fact clear right up. The neti pot works! Betty could finally breathe through her nostrils again for the first time in a few weeks.

Score one for jamming things up our noses on purpose! Thanks, neti pot!

Rock Through the Ages

The band director at my wife's school runs his own music studio, and he's really great about getting his students exposure throughout the community. A couple of months ago he set up a jazz performance at the Shaw Center in Baton Rouge where the students played as a group, and where they also joined in with Baton Rouge jazz bands The Andy Pizzo Project, The Michael Foster Project, and John Gray.

Next weekend, the students will once again be performing at the Shaw Center, but this time instead of jazz music they'll be playing rock music in what has been dubbed "Rock Through the Ages."

Betty and I are going with some of our friends from Betty's school. But know this: just because she teaches at a Christian school doesn't mean that we're not going to rock out!

I'm bringing my Guitar Hero controller so I can jump on stage and show off my sweet moves when the students play Led Zepplin. I'm also planning on starting a mosh pit when "Rock Through the Ages" gets to the Grunge epoch. Anyone who gets in my way will be crushed.

It's really great that these kids are getting the experience of playing in front of a crowd, as well as playing with established bands. We'll just have to see how professionally these kids act when I continuously yell out "Free Bird!"

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

2008 Calendar

Every Christmas I make a calendar for my mom. Creating the calendar gives me a chance to sit at the computer for a couple of hours and also gives me the opportunity to photoshop my brother in compromising positions - two of my favorite things to do!

A month or so ago I posted the 2007 calendar pictures. I couldn't give away the 2008 stuff at the time, since I hadn't given my mom the calendar at that point, but I think it's safe for me to post the 2008 calendar now. Plus I'm completely out of ideas for today, so this is like a freebie.

Since my brother and sis-in-law just had a baby, and since Betty is preggers, the theme this year was Children's TV shows, movies and books. Click the pictures (or click the links, if you can't see the pictures) to see a larger version of each. Enjoy!


January - Baby Einstein
Picture: January
My dad always gets his face professionally painted for Halloween. One year he was the lion from the Wizard of Oz - now he graces the cover of the January calendar page. Also pictured are my sister-in-law Andrea and my godson Joshua.

February - Shrek the Third
Picture: February
If I would have thought about it in more detail, I would have made my brother the donkey instead of having me be the jack-ass. Such is life!

March - The Doodlebops
Picture: March
My brother Todd likes to bang the drum slowly if you know what I mean.

April - Winnie the Pooh
Picture: April
My family calls my godson Joshua "Joshy the Pooh." He takes after his father.

May - Ratatouille
Picture: May
For Halloween, Betty dressed as a bun in the oven and I dressed as a baker, but the kids thought I was the guy from Ratatouille.

June - The Incredibles
Picture: June
Waggling your eyebrows is amazing, but waggling your unibrow is incredible!

July - The Lion King
Picture: July
I like to look at this picture and sing high-pitched Angel music at the same time.

August - Transformers
Picture: August
My dad is Optimus Prime in this one. Hey Pop, keep on truckin'!

September - Enchanted
Picture: September
Look how good Joshy looks with hair!

October - Hot Rod
Picture: October
Hi, my name is Rod and I like to party.

November - SpongeBob Squarepants
Picture: November
That ain't a jelly fish, ladies!

December - Happy Feet
Picture: December
Joshy was a penguin for Halloween. He lasted all of three minutes in his outfit, but it was enough to make him the coolest penguin on the block.

If you see me with a camera, you might as well assume that your picture is going up on the blog in some altered form. So be sure to smile purty!

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Yearly Car Inspection

Car inspections are such a pain in the butt. Do we really need to have our cars inspected every year? Why not every 5 years?

Any car made by one of the top 5 auto companies after 1995 should be exempt from car inspections, period. Car and Driver Magazine or Consumer Reports should have articles on which cars are so good that they don't need to be inspected along with their crash test ratings. I would spend the extra money for a car that doesn't need to be inspected... the auto industry could market a whole section of quality non-inspectable vehicles for lazy people like me. The time I spent getting my car inspected is time I could have spent doing some quality lounging!

Of course, I found out a few years ago that your inspection sticker is still good until the end of the month after the expiration month on the sticker (or until you get caught with an old one, your choice). So if you are like me and always wait until the very last day of the month after your sticker expires to get it renewed, then you'll only have to get your car inspected 12 times every 13 years. Cha-ching!

I know you're thinking to yourself, Bob, stop being such a pansy. It's only an inspection. Man up and get your dang car inspected!

Okay, here's my real complaint. I don't like getting my car inspected because I know it's a huge scam, and I know it's a scam because I can only pay with cash. I can go into any auto store, body shop, rapid lube, etc, and pay for anything I want with a credit or debit card, but when it comes to paying for my car inspection they only take cash. Hell, I can go into McDonald's now and pay with a credit card or one of those magic wand thingies that you put on your key chain, but I can only pay for a car inspection with cash.

I know my money is just lining someone's pocket, not showing up on a company's tax returns, etc. I mean, just look at the types of business in Baton Rouge that do car inspections - what qualifies Benny's Express Car Wash to tell me if my car passes inspection? Those bastards can't even wash my car without leaving streaks! (Just for the record, I never wash my car.) Or what qualifies Advanced Windshield Repair to inspect my vehicle?

Actually, now that I think about it, I think I'll start a new career inspecting automobiles. It's the perfect crime! (As long as my victims each have $18 cash on hand.)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Registering for Baby Stuff

On Saturday my wife wanted me to go with her to Babies R Us to register for the baby showers. I had a tough decision to make: register for useful products for my first-born child to make sure that he or she has a safe and happy first year, or watch football.

It's the playoffs, so I chose football.

Until, of course, my wife explained to me what registering would entail. I would get a laser gun, she promised me. I could shoot anything I wanted! I could keep score in my head and, after killing vicious enemy baby products with my wireless zapper for an hour or so, if I had over a million points then she would take me to TCBY to get some yogurt.

So off we went to Babies R Us. We walked in through the sliding doors and got our paperwork and zapper from the Customer Service desk. I steeled my resolve, lowered my helmet's blast shield, and got ready to zap some products... until I looked at the price tags.

Who knew that having a baby was so expensive?!?

There are so many things to get when you are preparing to have a child. There's a stroller for regular strolls, and another stroller which has a seat that can also used as a car seat. There's the car seat base, car seat mat to protect your seat, window shade for the car, etc. There's a Pack N Play when you take your kids somewhere, and a regular play thingy for when the kid's just chilling out at home. There are toys, rattlers, musical books, digital games, onesies, beds, mattresses, furniture, gliders... it was too much for my brain to handle.

My senses were being overloaded by baby products, so I focused on one thing in front of me and scanned it several times. Guys, just a quick note for you - your pregnant wife may not find it as funny as you do when you scan her butt with the wireless zapper in front of hundreds of strangers.

In the end, I got to scan some fun loot for the kiddo and even got to watch a couple minutes of football. And most importantly, I got my million points and some TCBY.

Victory!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Kids Today

Kids today are weak. Weak, I tell you! Just look at this article I found while surfing the Intarweb on my Intarweb surfboard:

Millions of Young Abusing Cough Medicine

Dammit, when did kids become so boring? Cough medicine? In my day, we stole liquor from our parents' liquor cabinet and then blamed the dog when we got caught. We were hardcore! (But not as hardcore as our parents' generation, who went to Woodstock, experimented - and invented - various drugs, and had promiscuous sex with just about anything that moved.)

And what type of peer pressure is occurring in today's schools that is forcing cough medicine of all things onto kids? I imagine it goes something like this: "Come on, Derek, rebel against your parents by sucking down two tablespoons of Robitussin. Don't you want to suppress your cough as well as become disoriented, tired and extremely popular at the same time?"

But this is no laughing matter. These hooligans aren't just drinking down all of your expensive cough syrup. These punks are also smoking weed, doing LSD, and for all we know, rubbing various types of Vick's Vapor Rub on their chests to breath in the perfect storm of flavored vapors. I'll also go out on a limb and say that they're playing too many video games and watching too much TV.

So parents, if your child is between the ages of 12-25 and is not coughing right this minute, chances are that he or she is high on cough syrup. You'd better take action now, otherwise your child will grow up to be an Over-the-Counter abuser.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Residudes

"The only thing better than hot buns is some sticky buns, if you know what I mean."

So begins the chorus for one of my new favorite songs, "Hot Buns" by The Residudes.

I found The Residudes via a comment on one of my previous blog posts. It turns out that someone with musical talent reads the blog, and that means I'm primed to coerce someone to write a free jingle for the Tantrum. Score!

The Residudes reminds me a lot of Tenacious D. They're hilarious, but they also rock. Hard. And I'm proud to say that Betty and I shared a martini with one of the band members, Harland DeWitt, and his fiancee Michele at multiple weddings months ago.

That's right, Harland the Shipbroker is musically inclined. Who knew? It takes all kinds of mad skillz to be a shipbroker!

Please check out The Residude's website (www.residudes.com), download their latest CD "Mission Creep" from their blog, and if you like it, tell your friends about them. Remember, we need them to get really huge so that we can say that we helped make them multi-millionaires, at which point they'll feel obligated to write a Tantrum jingle. This is how the music business works.

And after their songs get stuck in your head, play air guitar to their stuff while wearing this Guitar Hero shirt I found on BustedTees.com. Rock on!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Missing at Point Blank Range

My wife says my blogs are only about three things: food, video games and the bathroom. And she's right - I've found this is the perfect trifecta for a semi-popular blog. So along those lines, here's another bathroom blog post. Enjoy!

Men and women have different restroom terminology. For example, women "powder their noses" while men "blow an O ring." Women, ask your male counterpart for an example of what this phrase means.

But recently, when discussing female restroomery with my sister, I learned a term that has me very upset. It's called "squatting."

No, squatting is not where you live in an empty house while the owners are away. Squatting, related to the restroom, is when you go to a public restroom and the toilet is so disgustingly dirty that you feel it is unsafe to sit your buns down on it.

Now ladies, we need to talk. Your modes of expelling toxins involves one thing common to both regular restroom functions: you sit on the toilet. At which point are you unable to hit the bulls-eye when situated at point blank range?

Who is the woman who has something so disgustingly wrong with her that she is making a mess all over the toilet seat while sitting on it that is stopping other women from following suit? And what did you have to eat?

As for men, we actively seek to pee and crap on as much bathroom landscape as possible. Not only do we mark our territory this way, but in most restrooms for men, it's impossible to tell where the toilet begins and ends.

In conclusion, women, please act like the fairer sex that we all know you are and, for Pete's sake, have some respect for the restroom.

Monday, January 07, 2008

BCS Champs!

When LSU beat Ohio State 38-24 in the BCS National Championship game on Monday night, I knew there was only one proper way to celebrate:

Get drunk, riot, and torch a neighbor's car.

Rioting is all the rage when there is a need to celebrate. I can't figure out why it's good to blow things up when your team wins, but who am I to judge? Maybe I'm just getting older and out of touch with the younger generation. But I didn't want to be left out, so I stuffed some rags into a whiskey bottle, lit that shit on fire and threw it as far as I could across the street.

We haven't met those neighbors yet so it's all good.

No, we didn't blow anything up (unless my fuse wasn't really a dud like I thought it was) but we did watch the game in style - laid back on the couch with our LSU tumblers (thanks for the tumblers, Karen!), ate meatball poboys (thanks for the meatballs, meat!) and gently high-fived my wife's pregnant belly every time we scored.

But I've got to give it up for Ohio State. They're good losers. They took it like men - after crying into their moms' chests for a while, they manned up and walked out to Bourbon Street to watch drunk LSU fans flash their breasts for beads. Everyone's a winner in New Orleans!

Geaux Tigers!

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Reindog

Remember in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" the Grinch puts a pair of antlers on his dog's head? For Christmas, we abused my brother's dog in much the same way. I thought I'd share these pictures with you - just look at how pathetic this dog looks. Her therapy bill is going to be huge!

[Click for Picture of Reindog 1]

[Click for Picture of Reindog 2]

Whoever made these antlers for dogs must feel a great sense of fulfillment.

And of course, what Christmas would be complete without taking pictures of your brother wearing a big Santa hat and posting them on the Internet? I know mine wouldn't be.

[Click for Picture 1]

I have more pictures of my brother in a big hat, but I'm keeping them for when I have to blackmail him later.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

What It Means to Be a Libertarian

One of my coworkers is a Libertarian. Contrary to popular belief, a Libertarian is not a person from Libertaria, but is a person who has a certain kind of belief about the role of government in people's lives.

I had a political discussion with my coworker one time and expressed interest in learning more about his Libertarian views, and he lent me a book called "What It Means to Be a Libertarian" by Charles Murray. I decided to read this book so that I could learn more about Libertarianism for the sole purpose of having more lively debates with him about why his political beliefs are wrong.

Know thy enemy!

In a nutshell, Libertarians want the freedom to do what they want and also want the government to stay out of their personal business. Libertarians are fine with the government enforcing laws against fraud, violence, etc, but when it comes to how we run a business, how our money is used for our own retirement and how we run our lives on a daily basis, they believe the government should butt out. Libertarians believe that people should have personal responsibility and that there shouldn't be thousands of laws created to basically protect people from themselves.

However, is Charles Murray, author of "What It Means to Be a Libertarian," serious about Libertarianism? I doubt it. Look at this passage from the book's introduction, in a section called "And a Note on Style:"

Regarding the use of third-person singular pronouns, I apply a rule that I wish would become standard: Unless there is a good reason not to, assign the gender of the principal author. I use he throughout.

(Introduction, xiii)


Aha! Mr. Murray would like me to believe that he has grand ideas about limiting government's role in my life, but he wants to dictate how I use third-person singular pronouns! Where's my liberty, Mr. Murray? If one wants to use the word "one" when writing one's piece then one should be allowed to do what one wants! You're not the boss of me, Freedom Hater!

Actually, this book raised some interesting points which I've wondered several times myself. Why are our schools allowing kids who can't read or write to graduate? Why are hospitals dismissing patients before they are cured? Why aren't we in charge of our own retirement options instead of relying on the pyramid scam that is Social Security? What has all the bureaucracy of government actually done for us, other than give us a class of Americans that are totally dependent on Welfare? Why is it considered indecent exposure when one wears a tiger-striped g-string even if one's genitals are completely covered? Instead of just asking these questions, this book tries to give solutions to these problems.

So what does it mean to be a Libertarian? Mr. Murray repeatedly states that his views expressed in the book are not necessarily indicative of other Libertarian views. Therefore I cannot say that I learned what it truly means to be a Libertarian, as they cannot decide for themselves what it means to be a Libertarian. Which is probably why no Libertarians are ever elected. Get it together, people.

Actually, one thing I did take from the book is that Libertarians want to get rid of "victimless crimes" such as prostitution, so I can only assume that most Libertarian voters are either pimps or single males who have money and antibiotics to burn.

In conclusion, put me down as a write-in candidate in the next presidential election and I'll get you a good cabinet position so we can make rules solely to piss the Libertarians off.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Gestational Diabetes

My wife has Gestational Diabetes. This occurs when a woman, who is preggers, cannot fully regulate the amount of sugar in the bloodstream by releasing the proper amount of insulin. During the third trimester the placenta releases hormones and sometimes this interferes with the mother's ability to regulate blood sugar.

I've taken it upon myself to rid our house of excess sugary sweets by consuming them all in one sitting, that way Betty can't get to them. I'm taking one for the team.

How did we know that Betty has Gestation Diabetes (GD)? She took a test. I told her to answer C if she didn't know the correct answer and to always go with her first instinct, but she failed miserably. So much for study skills.

The test for GD is like so: you, the preggers, fast for 12 hours and then go to the doctor's office where you will drink an extra-sugary drink. Then a blood sample is taken once every so often and the amount of sugar in your body is tabulated using the formula (R+M)/2, where R is Research Octane Number and M is Motor Octane Number, and 2 is the amount of cupcakes I just ate while Betty was sleeping on the couch.

I'll keep you updated on the GD GD. (Yes, each of those GDs means something different.) In the meantime, if you come to visit, bring some legumes.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Guitar Heroine

I was lurking in the shadows when my buddy Matt walked by.

"Psssst," I psssted. "Ever play Guitar Hero?"

Matt didn't know what Guitar Hero was exactly, so I opened the right side of jacket to expose a long, white, naked guitar made specifically for the Wii. Matt wanted to try it but had heard that one could become addicted.

I shrugged and waved the suggestion away. "Don't worry, man, it's really hard to get addicted to Guitar Hero. Just remember to blink every 10 seconds or so, that way your eyes don't dry out and explode."

Of course I was lying about not getting addicted. Guitar Hero has a 100% addiction rate among male primates. I wasn't lying about one's eyes exploding, though.

It didn't take long for Matt to get addicted. Soon he was flying high, rocking out to various artists and head-banging in tune with the music. He briefly left Guitar Hero to use the restroom, but halfway there he decided to just continue playing the game with wet pants and yellow socks. Drugs are bad, mmkay?

I captured Matt's Guitar Hero journey in pictures to show you, dear readers, how addictive this game can be. If you don't have the resolve to beat the game on Easy, Medium and Expert levels all in one sitting, then you should Just Say No until you have more time in your schedule.



Matt's first encounter with Guitar Hero. Look how happy he is at this point. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

[Matt's Guitar Hero Addiction, Picture 1]

Matt's wife Nicole tries to intervene, but gets booed off the stage on the game.

[Matt's Guitar Hero Addiction, Picture 2]

Matt's addiction takes a turn for the worse as his On Stage Persona starts to appear.

[Matt's Guitar Hero Addiction, Picture 3]

Matt in the zone... the danger zone.

[Matt's Guitar Hero Addiction, Picture 4]

Between songs, Matt starts to froth at the mouth due to withdrawal.

[Matt's Guitar Hero Addiction, Picture 5]

Matt's hand bears the distinct talon shape of one who is addicted to Guitar Hero.

[Matt's Guitar Hero Addiction, Picture 6]

Matt developed a callus on his thumb from all of his furious strumming.

[Matt's Guitar Hero Addiction, Picture 7]

Then Betty made Red Velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing. Is there anything this beautiful pregnant preggers can't do?

[Picture: Cupcakes!]

Finally, Matt beats a level and takes a bow, after which he passes out from exhaustion.

[Matt's Guitar Hero Addiction, Picture 8]

I know that was difficult to watch. But we are all better people for learning from Matt's example. Remember kids, the next time you want to play Guitar Hero, keep in mind that it's just a game and that it does not need to take over your life. Also, remember to share the Red Velvet cupcakes that your wife bakes instead of eating all of them at one time, because you will pay for it later in more ways than one.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

A Walk Along the San Antonio River

Hello, friends and family, and Happy New Year! Did you make out with a random stranger at a New Year's Eve party? Did you get in any good gropings? What's that - all you did was watch that guy jump a football field on ESPN then turn out the lights at midnight?

Don't worry. You are not alone.

I would love to tell you everything that happened to me, my wife and sister in San Antonio, but I'm still so tired from my trip to San Antonio that I can't blog tonight. But thankfully, I met a tour guide named Alfred who is going to walk you through the rest of this blog. Happy New Year and good night! Take it away, Alfred!

[Picture of Alfred, your blog tour guide]

¡Hola! My name is Alfred and I am going to be your tour guide through the Tanory's trip through the great city of San Antonio. I am a tour guide for Rio San Antonio Cruises and have lived in San Antonio my whole life (until Senior Bobby clubbed me and tipped the bellhops at the Hotel Valencia to stuff me in the trunk of his car and drove me to Baton Rouge) and so I am a very knowledgeable tour guide for this blog.

Look to Alfred's right. Here you can see Senior Bobby and Seniorita Preggers standing in front of the River Walk. The River Walk is not where you walk on water, as Senior Tanory would have you believe, although you can walk beside the river and see many fascinating sites. The River Walk, also known as Paseo del Rio, is a man-made street that was made one level down from the other streets of San Antonio. It connects several blocks of the city and links many buildings, restaurants and areas of town together. It was the idea of one Senior Robert Hugman to make the River Walk instead of paving over the San Antonio River.

Now look to Alfred's left. You can see a lot of Penn State and Texas A & M fans walking around the River Walk. The Valero Alamo Bowl was held here over the weekend, and, ¡Dios Mio! the locals were were muy upset when the Penn State Nittany Lions defeated the Aggies. Nobody knew what a Nittany Lion was, but one Aggie described it as a mountain lion of the Nittany mountain range which is known for having mucho grande female genitalia.

San Antonio is only known for two things: the River Walk and the Alamo. Oh, and we have the San Antonio Spurs, although Senior Bobby is telling me that I must tell you that the New Orleans Hornets are mucho better than Los Spurs. He also says Los Spurs are mucho gay-o.

Now look to Alfred's left. Seniorita Preggers' great-great-great-great-great uncle was named Robert Evans, and he fought alongside Davey Crockett in the battle of the Alamo. Robert Evans came from Ireland, lived in New York, then went to Texas via New Orleans. He was the Chief Ordinance Officer of the Alamo and died defending the Republic of Texas from el bastardo General Santa Anna of Mexico.

Senior Bobby says he is also a great man and has beaten 30 of 42 levels of Guitar Hero III. ¡Trabajo bueno, Senior Bobby! (Senior Bobby is el stupido. ¡Someone please help me get back to San Antonio!)

The building that you normally associate with the Alamo is only one small piece of the actual fort that made up the Alamo. Most of the battle did not occur in that building. That building used to be a Mission but had many other military uses during the years, one of which was to hold the stockpiles of ammunition during the battle of the Alamo (of which Robert Evans and Davey Crockett defended). The historians at the Alamo give a rousing speech every hour on the grounds outside of this building, if you are ever in the area. It is muy better than the movie where Billy Bob Thorton plays Davey Crockett where he plays a fiddle, but not better than the movie where Billy Bob Thorton humps Halle Berry from behind. ¡That Halle Berry is one hot chica!

The bodies of the defenders of the Alamo were burned and the ashes now reside at the San Fernando Cathedral. The place where the bodies were burned is marked by a memorial statue within the Alamo walls.

Look to Alfred's right. There is La Villita, which is the Little Village of San Antonio, right off the River Walk. It sells arts, crafts, and mucho funnel cakes, of which Senior Bobby has since run several places out of business by eating so many. It was here that Senior Bobby, Seniorita Preggers, and Seniorita Sister Tanory celebrated the New Year (until Senior Bobby got too cold like a little woman - where is your machismo, Senior Bobby?).

While celebrating the New Years in La Villita, there was a street sign that counted down the amount of time left to cross the street. (Do not worry, mis amigos, no cars were on the streets at this time of night.) Every time the street sign counted down from 10, all three Tanorys counted down and then celebrated as if the New Year had just passed. This entertained a large crowd of people until Senior Bobby went in search of more funnel cakes. He is muy gordo.

Senior Bobby also yelled "Remember the A la Mode!" before storming a funnel cake tent and taking dough and confectioner's sugar hostage. He is a donkey. Please do not allow him to drink muy margaritas in your presence.

There is so much more to tell of San Antonio - the sites, the sounds, the restaurants and more. But you will have to come down to San Antonio yourself to see it all. And if you are coming here soon, please pick me up from Senior Bobby's house and bring me back home.