Friday, October 31, 2008

Yeah Baby!

We had a costume contest at my office. I dressed up as Austin Powers - and no, sadly I did not wear my Union Jack underwear.

And out of 12 or so contestants, I won second place! Yeah, baby!

Well, I didn't actually win second place by myself. While everyone else played by the rules, I cheated and included my daughter and wife into my costume. The judges had no choice but to give me a prize. How can you not vote for a baby?

Here are some pictures of the highlights:

[Picture: The whole fam dressed up]
Dad as Austin "Danger" Powers, Mommy as Felicity Shagwell, and Anne as Mini-Me.

[Picture: Felicity Shagwell and Mini-Me]
Mommy and Annie take a picture before we took the stage.

[Picture: Anne without her glasses]
Annie without her glasses...

[Picture: Anne with her glasses]
And with them on. Smashing, baby!

Later that night...

[Picture: Anne in her Angel outfit]
Anne changed into her angel outfit and played with Gransy...

[Picture: Anne and Cheech playing on the floor]
Then she played with Cheech...

[Picture: Bob got jealous of Anne and Bob and joined in]
Then I got a little jealous and wanted to play with Cheech, too.

Okay, so I crave attention. I am the middle child, you know.

I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

And a very happy congratulations to former Tantrum contributor Aaron and his wife Lora on their second child, Aaron, Jr!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Trick or Treating at Sorority Row

On Wednesday my wife and I took our daughter to LSU's Sorority Row, where kids were Trick or Treating all of the sorority houses. My daughter was dressed up like the perfect angel she is.

(There were other kids dressed up, some also as angels, but my daughter was the archangel of all angels.)

[Picture: My little Anne-gel!]

We had a blast! There were kids out the wazoo, and we could hardly find a place to park because so many people turned out. And to be honest, I was jealous that all the kids were dressed up but I was stuck in my work clothes.

My wife was a DZ, so we dropped by the DZ house and saw some of our friends. Not only was it a great base of operations, but they had also ordered pizza for all the alumni. Score!



Although the place was packed with kids and parents running around rampant, there was one overachiever trying to study in the DZ house. I did my best to disturb her, but she appeared to persevere. We can only hope that she fails whatever she was studying for.

Outside on Sorority Row we met two LSU Golden Girls. Apparently these girls are also DZs, which makes them my wife's sisters, which technically makes them my sisters-in-law. That means I'm related to Golden Girls.



Jealous? Wait, there's more.

As I mentioned earlier, the DZ house was stockpiled with pizza. And we caught some of the Golden Girls eating. Eating I tell you! Since when did LSU allow the Golden Girls to eat?

I also caught one of them drinking heavily.



Thankfully she was only drinking Diet Coke.

Finally, when one of the Golden Girls couldn't hold both her plate of pizza and several cups of Diet Coke, my father-in-law gallantly rushed in to save the day.



Sorry, Jim-Bob, but you don't get any extra TAF points for that.

Anne had a great time out on Sorority Row, and we're looking forward to going back next year, especially if there's going to be pizza and Golden Girls again.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Self-Protection

Here's some advice for dads that baby books consistently fail to mention:

Always wear a cup.

For you new dads and dads-to-be, I won't sugar coat it: there is a 100% chance that your baby is going to kick you in the nuts on a daily basis.

Playing on the floor with your child? That's a kick to the sack.

Bouncing your kid on your knee? Better hope you didn't need your balls anymore.

Playing peek-a-boo with your 7 month old? Beware the hidden danger of a foot-to-groin sucker punch.

You've always thought your crotch was magnetic, but until now you thought it's magnetic pull only attracted women. Little did you know that your child's foot is the magnetic opposite of your North Pole.

But don't worry, the Tantrum is here to help you. While your baby is learning about gross motor control, depth perception and genitalial assault, you can protect yourself by going to your local sports store and purchasing a jock strap and cup.

This tip for new dads and dads-to-be was brought to you by the letters, G, R, O, I, N, and the word, "Ouch!"

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Blame Perrilloux!

The Whore-gia Bulldogs beat the LSU Tigers in football on Saturday.

Some people are blaming the loss on LSU's sophomore quarterback Jarrett Lee because he threw two interceptions that were returned for touchdowns. Others are blaming the defensive coordinator for allowing Georgia to score 52 points on us.

But I know where the real blame lies.

I blame Ryan Perrilloux.

Ryan Perrilloux was the back-up quarterback on the 2007 National Championship team and was going to be the starting quarterback for the 2008 season. He has an arm like a rocket, can run as well as he throws, and would have been one of a multitude of players returning from the 2007 championship team.

Perrilloux had it all: athletic ability, amazing teammates, and a white girlfriend.

But instead of taking the easy road to success, Perrilloux decided to snort crack off of strippers and take hits of a bong that he fashioned out of an apple, and in doing so got himself kicked off the team.

So today I blame Perrilloux for not fulfilling his obligations to LSU. If he would have just waited a year or two he wouldn't have had to try to sneak into a casino. If he'd have shown up at least once to class or to conditioning training, he wouldn't have been suspended several times. And if he would have once - just once - decided to snort crack off a mirror instead of a stripper's ass, he would still be at LSU and we would be destroying everything in our paths. Instead, we have to concede that Georgia played very well.

Nothing irks me more than conceding victory.

Damn you, Perrilloux!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Baby Pictures and Blackmail

My parents have pictures of us chilluns strategically placed throughout their home. Many of these pictures are from when we were babies. And there's a common theme in the baby pictures: we're all wearing ridiculous outfits.

Matching sailor suits? Check.

Baby blue blazers and shorts? Check.

Big Bird, E.T. and Ewok costumes from Halloween '85? Check.

I used to be very embarrassed by those pictures. But now that I'm a parent, I understand why my parents took them.

You see, there's only a limited amount of time that we as parents can dress our kids up and make them do stupid things without them knowing. And it's so important to take every opportunity to do these activities, because without them, you'll have nothing to blackmail your kids with later in life.

Consider this situation, where parents do not have an embarrassing baby picture of their son:

Son: "I'm leaving to go out and party. I'll probably be home after midnight, which means I'll be exposed to sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. Also, I'm taking your car."

Dad: "Son, I want you home by seven or you're punished. And you can't take my car - you're only 12!"

Son: "Yeah, right. Later. Don't wait up."

Mom: "Listen to your father, son."

Son: "I'm doing what I want to do anyway because you don't discipline me enough and I can get away with anything. Bye!"


Now consider the same scenario, but this time the parents took embarrassing baby pictures of their son.

Son: "I'm leaving to go out and party. I'll probably be home after midnight, which means I'll be exposed to sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. Also, I'm taking your car."

Dad: "No problem, son."

Son: "Really? Dad, I'm only 12. You should really take an interest in what I'm doing."

Mom: "Oh, he is. Your father installed a key logger on your computer and therefore knows your email password, and is going to email out all of those embarrassing baby pictures that we took of you when you were 6 months old unless you're home by 7 pm."

Son: "What?!?!"

Dad: "See you at 7, son. Actually, make it 6:30. And your homework had better be done before 9 or I'll IM that video you took of yourself singing {insert latest annoying pop song here} last night on the web cam."


The point of this is that we dressed my daughter up as a pumpkin for Halloween and took her out to a local flower shop, where we placed her in a big pumpkin patch and took pictures of her.

[Picture: Bob and Anne at the Great Pumpkin Patch]

[Picture: Anne diligently reads a sign about the Great Pumpkin]

[Picture: Anne the Pretty Pumpkin]

Score one for blackmail!

Monday, October 20, 2008

If I Won the Lotto

Every now and then I like to think about what I would do if I won the lotto.

Most people would quit their jobs. I think I'd stay at my job, if for nothing else than to rub it in people's faces that I don't have to be there.

I used to want a bowling alley in my house, as well as my own home theater. But that was back before I had refined taste. Now I would build a huge house, and inside of my house I'd have a huge lake.

Yes, a lake. With a boat.

Someone would ask me, "Hey Bob, what are you going to do today?" And I'd say, "Oh, nothing much, just sit on my Laz-E boy on my yacht and fish for a while, then swim a few laps."

(I'd have fish in my lake, as well as a lounge chair on my boat.)

Of course, to have a lake inside of my house - especially a lake big enough to hold a yacht - I'd need a big house. In fact, I'd probably have to build the lake and boat first, then build the house around the lake.

I would also dump a large mound of sand right into the middle of the lake, then dub the sand "Tanory Island." I'd make everyone who goes to Tanory Island talk like a pirate.

And they would talk like pirates. That's how rich I'd be.

I'd probably still build a bowling alley and theater, but you'd have to live on my street to gain access. I wouldn't let any riffraff in. I'd also have a gym, which I would populate with hot girls in spandex and very wimpy guys so I would look extra awesome. But of course I would never actually go in the gym... I'd just pay my personal surgeon millions of dollars to turn my aging body into a cyborg so I could live forever.

(I'd also donate to several charities and start my own charitable organization, just so you don't think I'm a total materialistic bastard.)

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Walking Away Alzheimer's

Our good friend Nicolvin was the event coordinator for this year's Alzheimer's Walk out at LSU, so we went out to campus early Saturday morning either to support Nicolvin by taking part in this year's walk or to get good blog material in case something catastrophic happened.

Luckily for Nicolvin (and for scientists researching Alzheimer's), everything went well.

Up to a few years ago, the Alzheimer's walks always took place downtown. But according to my sources, who only agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, LSU trumps the downtown area because "the LSU girls raise your heart rate more than the walking does."

Of course, campus has its shady characters as well. Consider this person, who tried to steal one of my daughter's toys from out of her stroller.

[Picture: Us with the Hamburgler]

Don't worry, I ran him down and beat the ever-loving crap out of him. Nobody takes my daughter's binky... nobody! According to this guy's confession, he was going to hold my daughter's binky ransom for hamburgers.

Feel the wrath of a pizza-lover, bitch!

Since LSU played South Carolina on Saturday, I couldn't resist wearing my "Spurrier is a Cock" shirt. If I got any Evil Eyes from disapproving parents, I completely ignored them and/or beat them in the 5K walk.

[Picture: Team Tanory Tantrum at the Walk]

But walking and being awesome at the same time definitely drained my energy. Here is an "action shot" that my wife took of me sleeping. Notice the lean and tone belly hanging out.

[Picture: Us with the Hamburgler]

Maybe I need to walk more...

Anyway, I want to give a shout out to Nicolvin for coordinating a great and successful event. You've just been hired to coordinate Anne's first birthday. We don't need anything big - just a couple thousand people joined in harmony out on the old golf course at LSU, a 5k walk with water and presents stationed every kilometer, and a special birthday speech given by the mayor. Make it happen!

Friday, October 17, 2008

TicketDictator

You know that Southwest Airlines commercial with the two-faced clerk who tells the customer his ticket is only $69 but then adds on another $100 of fees?

TicketMaster rivals the airlines for hidden fees like nobody's business!

Two of my favorite bands, Death Cab for Cutie and Snow Patrol, are both coming to the Baton Rouge River Center on December 4th. Betty and I got our tickets on the second row for $37.50 each.

Not too shabby... or so it seemed.

In typical TicketMaster fashion, there was another $10 service charge per ticket, a $5 charge for ordering online, and another $2.50 charge for the ability to print the tickets from my own computer. Yes, you read that right, I paid TicketMaster money so that I can perform the last act of sale on their behalf.

They also charged me another $1.89 for scratching myself while submitting my order. Bastards! How did they know???

TicketMaster? More like TicketDictator. But where else are you going to get tickets? If Pearl Jam couldn't beat TicketMaster's monopoly then nobody can.

So I guess I should blame Eddie Vedder for the hidden fees on my TicketMaster purchase. If Pearl Jam had conquered the world like they were supposed to, then my DCFC and Snow Patrol tickets would be $30 cheaper.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Constant Gardener

It's time for me to once again review a movie that came out over 3 years ago. In this addition I will review (drum roll):

The Constant Gardener, starring Rachel Weisz and Lord Voldemort.

When I put this movie in my NetFlix queue I assumed it was a 2.5 hour movie about gardening. I was expecting a riveting movie about potting soil, two bags of fertilizer, some peat moss and an illegal immigrant who constantly gardens for fear of being deported. I also thought there might be some inter-species death matches, since this movie was marketed as a thriller.

Instead I got a thriller / drama / documentary about shady pharmaceutical sales in Kenya.

In The Constant Gardener, Voldemort is a British diplomat in Kenya. When his wife is murdered, he tries to uncover who killed her and for what reasons.

Spoiler alert! It was Harry Potter! That's why Voldemort is so angry with him!

The movie was informative and educational, the storyline was intriguing, and Rachel Weisz has a few brief nude scenes, so it's worth checking out. If I give you any more info then I'll probably ruin the movie, so let's just leave it at that.

That's it for this installment of the Tantrum Movie Reviews! Tune in sometime in 2011 to read about one of this year's movies!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Sedentary Blogging

Today I saw a link that promised to show me how to be a mobile blogger. It sounds like fun, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that yet.

Mobile blogging involves two things that I do not have: a cell phone that has more than four minutes of battery life, and the ability to walk and blog at the same time. As many of my readers have noted, it's hard enough for me to think and blog at the same time.

Plus, the entire premise of being "mobile" just scares me. I want nothing more than to sit at home in my underwear all day. If being a mobile blogger means I have to leave the house, then either my sedentary lifestyle needs to change or my neighbors will have to get used to seeing me aimlessly wandering the street in my undies.

In fact, I think that mobile bloggers should work hard on being sedentary bloggers, not the other way around. Being sedentary and still having something to write about is much more work than being mobile and writing about new and exciting things. Being sedentary forces you to be creative, but mobile bloggers just need to be descriptive.

I challenge any mobile blogger in a blog war. Just remember, Mobile Blogger, while you're out blogging, I'll be robbing your house. See how advantageous being sedentary can be?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Reunionified!

My 10 year high school reunion was a lot of fun!

My original mindset going into this reunion was to look as young and vibrant as possible. But somewhere along the way I decided that I would try to win the "Person Who Looks the Oldest" award.

So I put on an old Acadiana High t-shirt, dyed my hair gray, strapped on a long gray beard and walked around my reunion with a cane. I thought I would stand out in the crowd and make everyone feel old, but some of my classmates had other costumes that, quite frankly, out-did mine.

For instance, there was the one girl who dressed up as the twice-divorced mother of two who is pregnant with her third child. Classic! I wish I'd have thought of that one.

Then there was the guy who looked exactly the same as he did in high school except with a bald spot. I'll have to get back to my high school weight for my 15 year reunion so I can dress up as "Me 15 Years Ago."

It was great to see everybody and learn about what's going on in their lives. I realized that I really miss my high school friends, and I'm going to try to be better at keeping in touch with everybody. And I also realized that I need to change my Facebook profile to be an old man with a gray beard if I really want to sell my "old man" costume for my next reunion.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

10 Year Reunion

My 10 year high school reunion is this Saturday. I'm going to see people that I haven't seen in years other than every day on Facebook. Exciting!

So I've spent most of this week making up job titles that sound impressive, because I'm not quite sure that my regular job title of "Team Lead of Application Development" is really going to shock and awe people like I want it to. I need something with pizazz!

I'm thinking something more like "Team Lead of Laser Development for the Para-Military" or "National pizza critic." Either one of those should make the female graduating class of '98 question their choice of husband.

One of my old classmates is a helicopter technician. I gotta admit, that's pretty cool. Another classmate is married to a guy who works for NASA.

Will the NASA dude know if there's not really a team developing lasers for the Para-Military? Maybe I need to rethink that one.

Regardless of what blatant lie I decide to use as my current job title to impress my former classmates, it will be really good to see everybody. And it will be even better to throw soft drinks and hot dogs at the opposing team's fans on Friday night at the homecoming football game.

Ah, high school... good times!

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Six Months Ago...

When I turned 20 I went through a quarter-life crisis. I was severely depressed for a week because I knew that ten 10 years from that day I would be 30.

Why fret bout being thirty? Because thirty is when your metabolism slows, your bones become brittle, your hair turns gray or falls out, and the only way you can walk around is with a cane, an iron lung and a nice person from the retirement home holding onto your arm.

But that moment pails in comparison to what happened on October 4th:

My daughter turned six months old.

How did this happen?! It doesn't feel like six months ago when I was lying on an uncomfortable fold-out lounge chair in Women's Hospital, wondering how anyone on our floor could sleep while my daughter shrieked. I certainly couldn't sleep - I was too busy wondering what kind of father I would be. And of course I kept one eye on my daughter at all times for fear that she would stop breathing or spit up or do something incredibly cute and I would need to rush in and help her / take pictures of her.

Since then, hundreds, possibly thousands, of poopy diapers have been changed. Countless toys have been dangled. Dresses of all shapes and sizes have been worn, and yes, we have pictures of every single one of them. Squeals of delight have been emitted, both from my daughter and her parents.

And six months are gone in an instant.

To ease the pain of my daughter growing up so quickly, Betty baked a cake. But since Anne is only half a year old she only made half a cake.

[Picture: Half-birthday cake!]

The only thing that makes me feel better about my daughter turning six months old is knowing that we have another great six months together until she turns one. Then I'm really going to lose it.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Saving Second Base

Like all men, I love boobies.

That's why the Tanory Tantrum has once again teamed up with Pink For October.org, a website dedicated to bringing attention to the fact that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The Tantrum, along with hundreds of other blogs, wants to remind you ladies that your breasts are awesome, and we want to see them... kept healthy.

And to remind you to get your breasts screened for cancer, the Tantrum will be pink for the entire month of October. That's right, real blogs wear pink!

Sure, the economy is in the toilet, global warming might eventually melt our flesh, and we might all be living in a computer simulation while robots harvest our true bodies for fuel.

But all of that pales in comparison when I think of just a single breast lost to cancer.

Get your breasts screened for cancer!