Thursday, April 09, 2009

Automatic for the People

At first I was shocked, then happy, and now I'm upset about Obama not bailing out Detroit. I don't necessarily care that he's not giving them money, but I'm angry about the reasoning behind it: because he wants to see the American Auto Industry produce better cars that are more reliable and last longer.

What the hell!?! That is just so un-American!

Why do you think something like the Hummer, which only gets 7 miles to the gallon, is so popular? Do you think it's because it's reliable? Hell no! It's because girls think they're sexy, and that's all young American men care about. Who is Obama to stop the libido of young men all over the country!?!

(Editor's note: The HT3 Hummer gets 14 miles to the gallon, but only if you drive it down a sloped surface.)

It's the American way to buy expensive crap that we don't need. For example, cathode-ray TVs last up to 20 years and LCD TVs only last 3-5 years, yet flat screens are all the rage right now. A good flat screen LCD TV costs anywhere between $1.5-3k dollars, but you can probably find a reliable TV in the garbage down the street.

And why are flat screen TVs so popular? Is it because they're reliable? Hello no! It's because I want to watch a movie without sitting by some fat, smelly guy who talks to his invisible girlfriend the entire time! I want my home theater to be so powerful that it can blow my eardrums out, even if I can't actually turn the volume up because the baby is asleep! I want to watch movies in my underwear and not get arrested for indecent exposure!

I want my instant gratification, dammit!

The American Dream is to get rich enough to buy a bunch of stuff that we don't need: a 30k sq-ft house, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a bowling alley in our house. The American Dream is not to buy quality products that will last an entire lifetime and then share them with our neighbors.

America is about making as much money as possible, as fast as possible. So Mr. Obama, if you really want to help our economy, and especially if you want to help our auto industry, then give every red-blooded American male a $10k tax rebate for buying a Hummer, then sit back and watch the American sleeping giant arise from its slumber.

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