Tuesday, June 30, 2009

SC Governor Admits He Went "Walter Mitty" on Female Staff

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said Tuesday that he "crossed lines" with several women, but that only a single woman - his mistress in Argentina - let him get it on with her. When questioned why only the Argentinian would have sex with him, Sanford told reporters that he told his mistress that South Carolina was its own independent country and that he was the king.

Tears streamed down Sanford's face as he complained to the world what a huge vagina he is, crying for his mommy and asking all the women he ever groped to forgive him for "not being man enough for them." He then blew his nose into a hankerchief and ballyhooed about his small weiner, which "really hurt with the bitches."

As for the other women, Sanford said he was "reduced to daydreaming about what type of underwear they wore," adding that he knew they were probably all regular cotton panties. He was sure that one of his female staffers wore a pink thong, adding, "That was the whole reason why I hired her."

Asked why he felt the need to daydream about women's underwear, Sanford admitted that he is a sex-a-holic but is too gangly-looking to actually score with beautiful women. "If I were from West Virginia I could have just gotten it on with my cousin, but no, I just had to choose to be governor of South Carolina, didn't I?"

Sanford's wife refused to comment on her husband's mistress, but did tell one reporter that she was going to "smack Mark's ass around tonight, and not in the usual kinky way."

In conclusion, nobody yet understands why Governor Mark Sanford's secret love life is of any entertainment value to anybody, but according to an unidentified source at the AP, this story is "just a big hoax to focus attention away from Jon & Kate so they can mend their marriage."

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