I have a new nickname at the beach:
It all started when my daughter didn't recognize me due to my large and luxurious stubble. Add some sunglasses and a Panama Jack hat, I looked just like any other stubbly, sunburnt and pudgy beach dude, and my daughter didn't like it one bit.
So I shaved. Sort of.
Mid-shave I decided to morph into THE WALRUS, Perdido Key's most feared semi-shaved computer programmer and a bane to Gulf Shores' existence. Here is the result:
Needless to say, my wife didn't like The Walrus one bit, so she made me shave again. But she didn't say that I had to shave all my stubble off - she just said to shave - so I sheared off my walrus tusks and re-emerged as THE 'STACHE! (Viewer Discretion Advised.)
After my wife sent me into the bathroom to shave again - this time being ever so careful to explicitly state that I needed to shave all of my stubble - I grinned the biggest shit-eating grin into the mirror and liked the way I looked. So I made Betty take this picture, which she says I shouldn't publish for fears that I won't be allowed within 200 feet of any school:
Now that I'm all shaved, my daughter recognizes me and will once again let me play with her without screaming bloody murder. But I think she liked me best as THE WALRUS. And the last thing any father wants to do is let down his child.... So The Walrus waits only for the stubble to grow back and for the sink's water to get hot, so that he may emerge again into the bright Florida sun!
Hacker, Hack Thyself
1 month ago