Friday, December 25, 2009

The Tanory Tantrum's 2009 Christmas Letter

Dearest friends and family,

2009 was a great year for the Tanory family. We started the year off well rested because we went to bed at 7 PM on New Year's Eve. I still made out with Betty at midnight, although she claims she was asleep at the time. (Full disclosure: I might have copped a feel as well.)

January was momentous for America as well as for the Tanory clan. For starters, President Obama - the Tiger Woods of politics - was inaugurated as our first black president. Second, I became much closer to all of my friends by reading their 25 Random Things About Me notes on Facebook. And yes, they were very random.

With February came Valentine's Day, which meant I once again attempted to bribe Betty into getting it on with me by giving her roses. It almost worked, except my plan of serenading her in a public place backfired due to my poor singing voice. Although my singing didn't work on Betty, I did get the digits of a couger sitting in the corner. Later in February, Betty and I went with her family to Disney World, where I was finally able to apologize to Tigger for punching him in the sack all those years ago.

[Picture: In Disney]

March brought along Betty's birthday and another failed bid for romance. I would have complained about my forced chastity but unfortunately I had given up complaining for Lent. I got Betty a bike for her birthday, and together we formed a biker gang. Nothing says "I'm a bad-ass biker" like a Huffy Tundra. Also in March I went to my first New Orleans Hornets basketball game, where I successfully heckled Tony Parker while he shot free throws.

We had many "firsts" in April. There was April First, where I quit my blog for the third year in a row. Then my daughter, Anne, celebrated her first birthday. We took Anne to the zoo for the first time. It was the first (and almost last) time I tweeted on Twitter. It was also the first time that I forgot to open the car door for my wife. Damn you, April!

[Picture: Anne's first birthday]

In May we went to a wedding in Thibodaux. The wedding and reception were both lovely, but the most beautiful part of the evening was the restroom, which is where I spent 90 percent of the night. I don't know what I ate to piss my stomach off, but it definitely was not happy with me. Neither were the guests who had to use the restroom after me. I heard they had to put one girl on a ventilator.

In June I challenged Bobby Jindal to a Nintendo Wii Punch Out duel. It's a good thing that he never accepted my challenge, as I ended up getting two steriod shots within a matter of weeks from each other. The shots either boosted my muscle mass while shrinking my testicles - meaning I could have easily beaten Jindal... or they made my bones brittle - meaning Jindal would have beaten me... or they just cured me of a very bad sinus infection / spider bite combo. Either way, I'm on the No Fly List now. Who knew that the government took physical challenges to a head of a state so seriously? Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett both died in June, which was the worst thing to happen that month until my wife got stung by a giant jellyfish at the beach and I had to try to pee on her to make the pain go away.

[Picture: What Jindal was scared to fight]

Betty and I spent most of July on the road. Betty and I celebrated our fifth anniversary together in Perdido Key by going kayaking together. I thanked her for five wonderful years of marriage by accidentally slamming the back of my kayak into her, spilling her out of her kayak and bruising her back. But it was still less painful for her than having to see me naked, so I guess she won that round. We then went to the Beau Rivage for the Fourth of July to see my cousin Ben play in X-Treme Pianos, and I showed the crowd how patriotic I am by showing them in my USA undies. Next we went to Stone Mountain, GA, where we witnessed a laser light show which has played so often that the lasers have actually etched a picture of the Confederate generals into the mountain. We finished the month off by swimming in Lake Lanier, which is a reservoir for Atlanta's drinking water. Sorry about the pee taste, Atlanta.

[Picture: Patriotic undies beat commie undies any day!]

In August I finally snapped. I've been watching the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with my daughter for so long that I started to think Daisy Duck was kind of sexy. I mean, look at that big white tail feather of hers! Man, oh, man! Betty sent me out of the house to get away from the TV, where I squared off with some pests. (I won, by the way, thanks to an electric tennis racquet and a mean backhand serve.) Aso in August, Betty and I went to a concert at the Beau Rivage where I won us a new family on the Black Jack tables (long story). Oh, and I also invented a new way to hang pictures, mirrors and shelves in your house. No big deal, just another day in the Tanory household.

September was the start of the LSU Football season. And what better way to celebrate than by buying a new HDTV? So that's what I did - and for the rest of the year have basically been doing nothing else but watching my new TV. I took a few minutes out of my busy schedule of watching the first two seasons of Mad Men on the new TV to help out at our church by yanking extra fat off of chickens in preparation for our annual chicken dinner sale. Ever since then I can't look at chickens the same way again - so instead I just look at the TV.

[Picture: Yay for LSU Football!]

Usually I turn my blog pink for October, but this year I tried to encourage men to convince their wives to have their ta-tas checked out. I don't know if it was a success or not, but hopefully 2010 will be full of heathy, perky breasts - which I think we can all agree is good for everyone. Also in October, I wore my new Donald Duck outfit for Halloween, and I also wore it to the grocery store and to work on several occasions. It was all in an effort to hook up with Daisy Duck, who - like I've mentioned before - is one hot piece of tail!

[Picture: The Daisy!]

In November I started the Couch to 5K work out routine. After the fifth run I got tendenitis in my ankle, which meant I could barely walk much less run. I still managed to hobble to my daughter's first hair cut. (I did have to sit in one of the salon chairs for the duration of the hair cut in order to keep my foot elevated.) My sister also got engaged Thanksgiving week, so starting July 2010 she'll be someone else's problem. Can't wait!

In December it snowed just in time for my 30th birthday. Betty and I also disclosed our new secret project: getting the house ready for the second Baby Tanory! We started a naming contest for the new baby and so far the leading name is "Plaxico".

We've had a lot to be thankful for in 2009 - to our friends, our families, my job, the people selling used Donald and Daisy Duck outfits on eBay, and for HDTV service. And we have a lot to look forward to in 2010. Thank you all for being a part of our lives!

[Picture: Merry Christmas!]

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from the Tanory family!

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