Saturday, February 28, 2009

An LSU Tiger in King Mickey's Court

If you ever go to Disney World during Mardi Gras like we just did, then you'll probably notice that about a third of the people there are wearing LSU, Saints, Ragin' Cajun or Tulane apparel. Basically, anyone escaping Mardi Gras madness was in Orlando this past week.

The LSU fans outnumbered everyone else though, and it was apparent even before we got into the park. For instance, when waiting for the monorail, the group waiting to go to the Magic Kingdom would let out a resounding "Geaux!" while the group waiting for Epcot would yell "Tigers!" And anyone wearing a Ohio State or Florida jacket got Tiger Baited.

Once you get past the monorail you still have to get into the park, which requires you to go through security - which meant several Tiger fans had to explain why they were bringing in pots, grills and propane. "It's for my roux!" was the reason most often cited.

Those cooking utensils came in handy, too. We were hot, tired, hungry and thirsty while waiting in line to ride Space Mountain, so we sparked up some conversations with some Tiger fans tailgating under a tent. They shared their beer, plus I ate some jambalaya while waiting to ride. I also had crawfish etouffee outside of the Finding Nemo ride in Epcot and watched the LSU basketball game on a 22 inch TV rigged up under a tent outside of Mission Space.

Disney has a Fast Pass system, which allows you to reserve a time to ride any of the attractions. But once you Fast Pass one ride you can't Fast Pass another until you've used your first pass. That's why we were happy the Saints fans were there - we bought several scalped Fast Pass tickets and rode our way through the parks in no time.

I knew the Tiger fans were in full force when every Tigger in the Winnie the Pooh ride had on an LSU hat.

And on our last day, someone dressed up like Mike the Tiger and stole the show. Even Mickey Mouse was standing in line to take pictures with ol' Mike.

After being in Disney for a week, all I can say is... Geaux Tigahs!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Redemption in Disney

My favorite character in any Disney movie is Tigger, not only because he's the only one of his kind, but also because he bounces on things. I, like Tigger, am a tiger, and bouncing on things is kind of my specialty.

But sadly, I have not always been Tigger's favorite human.

When I was five I got in a pretty bad fight with Tigger. My parents called him over when I wasn't looking in order to surprise me, and when I turned around I didn't notice that it was Tigger - my favorite character in the whole world - standing before me. All I saw was a huge, orange moster towering over me, it's face lost in the shadows, it's jaws reaching down towards my tiny face...

Needless to say, my five year old Fight or Flight instincts kicked in, and I punched him right in the nuts.

Let me say that again: I punched Tigger the Tiger in the balls at Disney World.

I have been living with this shame for over 20 years. But yesterday I had my redemption.

Yesterday we saw Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore and Tigger in Epcot, and Betty, Anne and I took a picture with him. Afterwards I pulled Tigger aside and apologized. I knew that the person behind the Tigger mask probably wasn't the same person that I mauled back in '85, but it was cathartic to apologize regardless.

Tigger hugged me, gave me a high five, then feigned a punch to the groin. We had a good laugh. It was a beautiful day.

Tomorrow we're going to try to find Donald so I can apologize for kneeing him in the sack when I was 13.

The Theme of our Trip

Betty, Anne and I are in Disney World with Betty's family, and before we even left Baton Rouge we had the theme of our trip:

"Well, it's better that it happened now!"

How did we get such a fun and exciting theme? For starters, Betty's parents were supposed to pick us up around 6:30, but her dad's filled-to-the-brim van wouldn't start. After a few tries the van finally roared to life, so Betty's dad drove it to the nearest maintenance shop and got a new battery.

All we could say was, "Well, it's better that it happened now!" Much, much better than being stranded on the side of the road with a small baby.

And right before we hit the road after our lunch break, my daughter's face turned red and she gave a tremendous grunt. She not only had to have a change of diaper but also a change of clothes. In fact, everything within a 10 foot radius had to be wiped down - it was an explosion only a Tanory could make.

We gagged at the smell as we said, "Well, it's better that it happened now!"

And ten minutes later, when she exploded a second time and needed a third change of clothes, we just looked at each other and repeated our mantra.

But other than that, our trip to Orlando was really smooth. Well, there's a story somewhere in there about me getting us lost in the swamps when I was the navigator and the family fending off hungry alligators - but I'll save that for another day.

We'll say hi to Mickey Mouse for you!

Friday, February 20, 2009

The Mickey Mouse Club

We're going to Disney World during Mardi Gras, which means instead of dressing up like a cow and flashing my udders to old people and foreigners in New Orleans, I'll be dressing up in Mickey Mouse attire and flashing old people and foreigners in Orlando.

I'm not too sad about missing Mardi Gras this year. I think my daughter is way too young to see her dad make a complete fool of himself in front of thousands of people. Maybe next year she'll be old enough for that.

But we're not really going to miss Mardi Gras, because I'm bringing my Mardi Gras spirit with me. And by that I mean that I'm going to make Minnie Mouse work for some beads.

What would Mardi Gras be without molesting a person in a foam outfit?

[Manifesting my physical love for all things foam-covered]

I don't know if I'll be able to blog while I'm there, so this might be the last Tantrum for the rest of the month. If you are subscribed to the Tantrum via email, your inbox is safe for at least a week! (Maybe.)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Scariest People I Know

Who is the scariest person you know and why?

I pose this question to you because I just had a revelation: The scariest people I know are some of my closest friends.

They just so happen to also be doctors.

Scary movies have never really frightened me. Oh sure, Freddy Krueger used to freak me out. I used to think that he lived under my bed and that he'd slash me with his wolverine-like claws if I got out of bed to go to the bathroom. And I'll admit, that girl from the Ring was pretty freaky, too.

But in general, real life is just so much scarier than movies.

Every time I talk to any of my doctor friends, I lie awake at night with my eyes wide open for at least a week. Even though their stories freak me out, I just can't help but to ask about what new gruesome things they've encountered while working at the ER.

I won't repeat any of their stories here, first because I don't want to freak you out and second because I don't want to relive the horror of each story... but let's just say that I'll take Jason from Friday the 13th over blood clots any day!

Even funny stories about the ER can make me sick. My friend Brian told me a story once about a guy with problems going to the restroom. I laughed at his story, then promptly went into the bathroom and threw up. It was heartwarming and gut-wrenching at the same time.

So the next time you go to the doctor to get a prescription for your cold or your nagging cough, remember that your doctor has been to Hell and back. And whatever you do, for God's sake don't give your doctor friends any alcohol, otherwise they'll start telling you about their latest adventure with blood clots and bone saws!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My New Friend!

Hey everybody, the "25 Random Things About Me" Facebook meme might not be so stupid after all!

In my blog post about 25 Random Things About Me, I mentioned that I own two Jon Secada CDs and I love them. And guess what?

Now I'm Facebook friends with Jon Secada!

Everybody knows that you aren't really a friend with someone until you're both Facebook friends. I was even skeptical about being friends with some of my family members until we became Facebook friends.

This means that Jon Secada and I are now true friends, once and for all.

What, you don't believe me? Well, Doubting Thomas, here's my email confirmation of my friendship with Jon:

[Email confirmation]

See that? He personally confirmed me as his friend.

Not enough proof? Here's my "Recently Added Friends" list:

[Facebook Friends List]

I accept your apology.

Now that Jon and I are best buds, I might not have any time for my other friends and family. I'll be too busy adding Jon to my Oregon Trail application, trading book reviews with him via the Virtual Bookshelf and posting photoshopped pictures of us to my "Fun Pictures of the Whole Fam" photo album! Facebook takes friendships to a whole new level.

Come to think of it, I only wrote 15 things in my "25 Random Things About Me" blog post because I was too lazy to think of anything else. That means I have 10 more shots at becoming best buds with other famous people! Who should I choose???

Whoever it is, they'll have to get along with Jon Secada, because I'll never dump him as a Facebook friend.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Festivus Valentine's Day!

Today is Valentine's Day, aka, the moment of the truth.

I've been working hard at being romantic all week. For instance, on Wednesday I showered... with soap! And yesterday I even helped with the dishes by eating everything on both mine and Betty's plates.

I'm a hopeless romantic.

Today I wanted to do something extra-romantic for Betty to show her that I love her. I was going to make her breakfast in bed but thought that might wake the baby up, which would have angered Betty and would have undone all of my hard work from the past week. Instead, I decided to take Betty out for a romantic breakfast.

I took her to the most romantic family restaurant I know of - Frank's in Prairieville. Betty loves their biscuits, and I like that there are TVs in every corner of every room.

I was on my A Game at Frank's! First, I ordered French Toast, then carved my pieces of toast up to look like little hearts and gave a heart to Betty. She seemed to think that was pretty sweet, so I took it to the next level. As I poured syrup over my hearts, I explained how the syrup was going into the heart's right atrium through the superior vena cava and pumping it through the tricuspid valve into the right ventricle.

Off to a good start!

Next, I seductively stared right into Betty's eyes as I poured sugar and cream into my coffee. After Betty said I was creeping her out, I turned my seductive stare to the TV on the far wall and waggled my eyebrows at it.

And once Betty was done eating, I sprung my plans into action. I stood up, tapped my knife against my plastic cup, and got everyone's attention. Then I started to serenade Betty in front of everyone in my sweet, sultry voice.

At first Betty was shocked, then visibly embarrassed, but seemed to calm down after everyone else in the room gave me a standing ovation. Betty said that "people standing up to leave the room with their hands over their ears doesn't count as a standing ovation," but I was too caught up in the moment to digest her words.

And on the bright side, we now had the room to ourselves.

Everything would have worked out perfectly had our waitress not come over to give us our check. Betty took that opportunity to take the baby out to the car "to change her diaper." I knew exactly what that meant - that she was ready to go home and celebrate Valentine's Day!

As you can probably guess, the fact that I'm blogging at the moment means that my plans didn't work out as expected. But I won't give up. The day is young!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Gearing Up for Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a day for lovers, which means that men all over the world are spending the remainder of this week getting their ladies in the mood. These things don't just happen on their own, am I right?

Here are some helpful tips on how to make your lady-friend as excited for the holidays as you are:

1. Vacuum. Nothing turns on a woman faster than seeing a man doing housework. To take it to the limit, use the back-and-forth motion of the vacuum to show your lady that doing housework isn't a chore - it's a pleasure!

2. Leave little notes all over the house telling her that you love her.

Bonus tip: The smaller the note, the better. Your woman undoubtedly realizes that you hate writing on small pieces of paper, not only because they are inconvenient but also because your handwriting sucks. She will appreciate the fact that you've humiliated yourself by somehow using four post-it notes to write "I Love You!"

3. Create your own Valentine's Day card instead of buying one from the store.

Not only will your loved one cherish your own words over someone's from Hallmark, but creating your own card will save you money. In this economy, every penny counts. Plus, your woman will undoubtedly love the two cartoon angels getting it on like Donkey Kong that you are so good at drawing. It's why she fell in love with you in the first place, isn't it?

4. Surprise your wife by coming home early one day this week. Your boss might not like it, but your boss doesn't look as good in a dress, does he?

As a bonus, if by some chance your wife has a male visitor over while you are supposed to be at work, you'll have a few hours to return all her gifts, clear out your joint bank account and plot revenge.

5. Spend time with your woman without making any moves towards the bedroom.

Once your lady realizes that you just want to spend time with her and don't want to pressure her into having sex, she'll want to rip your clothes off and make monkey love to you until morning. Woman are funny that way.

I hope these tips help you in your quest for love. If you are lucky in love, be sure to thank the Tantrum by sending pictures! Night-vision picture are acceptable.

Good luck!

Saturday, February 07, 2009

And the Winner Is...

A few days ago we asked you to review my daughter's website, anne.tanoryland.com, and tell us which picture to submit to the Regis and Kelly Beautiful Baby Search.

Although Betty and I do think our daughter is in fact the most beautiful child ever, we didn't enter Anne just to gloat about it. The winner of the contest gets a $125,000 college scholarship, and the runners up get $25,000 to apply to a year of college. Gerber is also throwing in a year's supply of food. So hopefully my daughter's good looks will also lead to a good education.

It took a lot of sorting through the comments, tallying up votes, and spending lots of time reminiscing, but I'm happy to announce that we have a winner!

And the winner is...

February 4th, 2009!

[Picture: The winner!]

Make sure to vote on the Regis and Kelly website on March 9th, then tune in that week to see the winners.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Whoever Phelps'd It Dealt It

In recent news, Michael Phelps was caught smoking pot. And to be honest, I'm shocked... not shocked that Phelps smoked weed, but shocked that people are angry about it.

Let's put things into perspective, people: the guy won 10 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics, and for all we know, he could have been stoned the whole time. To me, that puts his accomplishments into a whole new dimension.

If you've ever seen any anti-drug commercial then you know that marijuana dulls your reflexes. It also makes you hungry. And sleepy. And you see visions. Sometimes you get paranoid.

So I've heard.

If Phelps was high on pot while competing at the Olympics, then he would have had to have seriously overcome the ill effects of drugs while competing. That means he would have swam even faster had he not been high on drugs, and also means he beat the world's fastest swimmers without having his reflexes as sharp as possible.

Amazing!

Now, if he had been caught snorting coke or taking speed, then yes, I'd be angry, because those things make you hyper. You'd expect someone to swim fast after you shoot them full of crack, but not if they'd just taken a few hits of a bong and chowed down on an economy-sized bag of Cheetos.

Drugs are bad for you, but give Phelps a break. What he did was stupid. He should have never taken anything that might slow him down - someone might have challenged him to a swim-off, beaten him, and recorded the entire thing. And that would be infinitely worse than him getting caught smoking pot.

USA! USA! USA!

In conclusion, Confucius say that he who stand on toilet high on pot. Don't be like Michael Phelps - crush your enemies while sober.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Unnecessary Quotations

My friend Shannon sent me a website called The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.

It's extra-funny coming from Shannon because we used to work with a guy who would "put" quotation marks on random "words" in every "email" "he" "sent" "to" us.

And if you couldn't tell from my extra-quotatious phrase above, his quotations were completely unnecessary.

Of course, I didn't know that this guy's quotations were unnecessary at first. I thought that maybe I was just missing whatever point he was trying to emphasize, so I'd read his emails again and again to try to catch something that I'd missed earlier.

Then I thought maybe the guy had an ulterior motive to using quotation marks. Like, maybe he was trying to trick us into reading his emails several times instead of just trashing them upon receipt. If so, that seemed to work.

But after a while the emails full of random quotation marks became plain annoying, and I came to realize that our coworker had no ulterior motive - he just didn't know when to use quotation marks, so he put them everywhere. Better safe than sorry, right?

Shannon and I mentally prepared for this guy's emails by taking bets on how many words would be surrounded by quotation marks. We both always undershot the quotation count. We also countered by italicizing random words in our emails back to him.

So I'm happy that someone out there is documenting unnecessary quotation marks! Bravo, "fellow bloggers," and "good" luck "with" all that!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Beautiful Baby Search

Betty and I are entering my daughter Anne in the "Live with Regis and Kelly Beautiful Baby Search." We just don't know which photo we're going to send yet. That's where you come in.

Here's what I need you to do:

1. Go to the Anne of the Day website at http://anne.tanoryland.com.
2. Look at all the pictures from the past month.
3. Determine which one is, in your opinion, the cutest picture.
4. Either leave a comment on the blog, leave a comment on Anne's website or email/phone/text/IM/snail mail me your vote.
5. Rinse, repeat.

Every parent thinks his or her child is the cutest, but the reality is that only one baby will win the cutest baby contest. If Anne wins then it will only validate what Betty and I already know - that Anne is in fact the cutest baby in the entire world (no offense to any readers with infants - I'm sure your kids are cute, too). And if Anne loses then we'll just assume the vote was rigged.

Help Anne go to New York! Cast your vote today!