So there I was at the New Orleans Arena watching the Hornets play the San Antonio Spurs, when inspirado hit me. Up until then, I had been trying to heckle the Spurs' players all game, but the best I could do was heckle a player named Bonner by calling him Boner.
But now I had a secret weapon in my arsenal.
My section was pretty wild. We were on the fifth row from the floor, and the Spurs were down by 3 with only a few seconds left in the game. But that was only part of the reason for our hysteria. The other reason was because Tony Parker, one of the Spurs' best players, was at the line to shoot two free throws.
Tony Parker is married to Eva Longoria, one of the stars of ABC's Desperate Housewives. We could see her from where we were sitting - she was only 4 rows down and maybe 10 rows to the left of us.
"You suck, Tony!" someone from my section yelled.
"Your wife loves Mario Lopez!" another douchebag yelled.
It was time for me to strike!
"Your wife is a very beautiful and sensual woman, and is a wonderful actress that my wife admires!" I yelled at the top of my lungs in the middle of a crowded stadium.
Tony Parker stopped his pre-free throw dribbling and just stood still. Everyone else gradually stopped cheering. As the crowd grew silent and the throngs of spectators turned to face me, I could feel that I had the Spurs just where I wanted them.
I made a megaphone with my hands and shouted at the top of my lungs, "Your wife is extremely pretty and it's an honor to sit this close to her!"
Tony Parker knew how to handle heckling. But he didn't know how to handle this.
"Come on, honey, you can do it!" Eva Longoria cried. "Don't listen to that asshole!"
Tony dribbled the ball a few more times, then got ready to shoot.
"Seriously, your wife is a talented actress. You are very lucky!"
Tony Parker threw up two bricks. He hung his head in defeat while his wife thrashed around like a madwoman. My plan was a success!
After the game (which the Hornets won, by the way), Eva Longoria strode by us and turned her nose up at me. My victory, as well as the Hornets', was complete.
Hacker, Hack Thyself
4 months ago