Thursday, April 30, 2009

Daily Calendar

The Onion is one of my favorite online "news" sources.

And as it just so happens, I received a small desk calendar of The Onion articles for my Birthmas. Besides lunch, bathroom breaks and leaving work, my favorite part of the work day is when I get to rip off the previous day's Onion article and read the current day's "news."

My favorite article so far is "Wah, Wah, I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder." I think that was February 22nd's.

My favorite Onion article of all time is "Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma". I LOL every time I read it.

I like this desk calendar idea so much that I'm thinking about doing one for the Tantrum.

Actually, the moment has passed. I just realized that I barely have enough time to blog as it is, and don't know where I'd find the time to compile my favorite 365 blog posts. I'd actually be hard pressed to find 365 that are even moderately funny, much less would fit on a tiny desk calendar page.

Which makes me appreciate The Onion even more.

I'll leave you with one more Onion article: 98% Of Babies Manic-Depressive.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Custard's Last Stand

They say that good things come to those who wait. But what if something is just not worth waiting for? That's the question Betty and I asked ourselves tonight while at Cade's in Gonzales.

Cade's serves custard and yogurt, and Betty and I used to go there at least once a week before Anne was born. Their custard is terrific. But their service... not so much.

Cade's owner is both male and an adult, however, you wouldn't know either if you were to stop in at Cade's on any weekday after 5 pm - because he's never there. Instead, your custard baristas are high school girls whose idea of good customer service is telling their friends (who are all behind the counter) about how hard math is, how many boys they've dated, and which customer is going to have to wait the longest because he keeps jotting down blog notes in his tiny notepad.

Guilty as charged.

Sure, the girls wear tight shirts, short skirts and bend at the waist to do things which generally should not require bending - all of which makes for a good show. But it gets old after standing in line for 30 minutes, especially when there's only one other family in front of you. Seriously, how difficult is it to mix Reese's with yogurt?

Standing in line for 30 minutes gets really tiresome when you're a short, fat semi-old fart like I am. And since Cade's only adds to my fatness, and since my fat is then pulled by gravity thus making me shorter, I think it's time to phase out Cade's.

I guess I'll have to cut ice cream out of my diet until next Valentine's Sonic Sweetheart Blast.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Tanory Twitter

I felt like I needed at least one more thing to update every day, so I did the inevitable:

I created a Twitter account.

Part of the reason why I joined Twitter is because I thought the following Doonesbury comic was hilarious:

[Click for Doonesbury comic]
Click here if you can't see all 4 frames of the comic.

The other reason why I joined Twitter is because I was watching the Celtics / Bulls game in my underwear, and thought I should share that amazing fact with the world.

You can follow my "tweets" at http://twitter.com/btanory, or you can view them on the side of the blog.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Zootopia

We went to the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans today.

[Picture: Us at the zoo]

Unfortunately for us we did not get to see the monkeys do it, but on the bright side we did see a couple of randy turtles as well as some monkeys with pads on their butts.

The most memorable part of our trip was when Anne pointed to a gorilla, smiled and yelled, "Dada!" Everyone around us laughed at that one.

The second most memorable part of our trip was watching two giraffes fight.

[Picture: Two peeved giraffes]

Giraffes fight by standing side-by-side and swinging their heads at each other. Each one would take turns smacking the other one in the neck.



But since we were in New Orleans, it was inevitable that one of the giraffes whipped out a gat and shot the other giraffe in the face. But don't worry kids, the giraffe who got shot still lived, and went on to have a thriving music career as a rap artist. His stage name is the Notorious G. Raffe.

Next time we go to New Orleans we want to go to the aquarium, where we hope to see all kinds of fun and exciting fish, as well as watch two sharks fight to the death over a female shark tart.

Going to the Zoo!

I've wanted to take Anne to the zoo since she was born. But today is the big day. Hurray!

We live right outside of Baton Rouge but we're going to the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans since it's actually closer to our house than the Baton Rouge zoo. Plus Jazz Fest is going on in New Orleans today, so maybe we'll catch some of Wilco, the headliner for today's Jazz Fest lineup.

And the best part about going to the zoo is that we get to watch the monkeys do it!



Incidentally, the video that I've linked to about watching the monkeys do it comes from an old MTV show called The State, and the entire series is coming out on DVD soon. That's just another reason to go to the zoo and watch the monkeys do it!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

NBA Playoffs

I'm short so maybe I'm biased, but I find tall people hilarious. Everything they do makes me laugh.

Take basketball, for instance. I'm fascinated with basketball right now. Ever since I went to my first Hornets game I've been watching NBA games like crazy. The Hornets are now in the playoffs, and even though they got spanked by 80-something points in the first game, I still love to watch them.

I see tall people!

When I was at the Hornets game, we sat on the fifth row and everything looked so fast. The players were quick and their movements were sometimes faster than the eye could see.

But on TV, the players just look goofy. Especially when they run.

The one tall person who is not funny is Yao Ming. Nobody should be allowed to be that tall as well as be able to shoot three pointers so well.

The next Hornets game is on Wednesday. So grab a beer, hop on the recliner and take a sip every time a funny tall guy falls - it's hilarious!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Alpha Male

My wife was telling me about how the fourth book in the Twilight series had a part about Alpha Males when I suggested that I am the Alpha Male of the household. And do you know what my wife did?

She laughed.

Her laughter really hurt my feelings. I mean, how can I not be the Alpha Male, considering that I'm the only male in the house? Doesn't that make me the Alpha Male by default!?!

My wife then tried to comfort me, but her efforts only made me realize how un-Alpha Male-ish I really am. Let's look at the facts: first, we were talking about the Twilight books instead of something manly, like Ultimate Fighting Championship or Golf. Second, Alpha Males are incapable of feeling any emotions, except anger at other men. Third, I can barely punch a straw through a Capri Sun package, much less punch someone in the face.

I'm what is apparently called the Beta Male. And this makes me angry... but not angry enough to do anything about it, because I don't want some Alpha Male coming to see what all the fuss is about.

But I'm not content with being a Beta Male, so instead I'm going to create a new kind of male stereotype. I don't have a name for my creation yet - I was going to call it "Phi Male" because Phi is used as the symbol for the Golden Ratio, but "Phi Male" sounds too much like "female."

Actually, I think I'll just call my creation the "Bob Male." So the next time you're out at a bar and all the Alpha Males are ignoring you but all the Beta Males are leering at you, just pull out an old Nintendo controller and make a reference to Excite Bike, and soon you'll be surrounded by a new breed of short, fat, hairy semi-naked (yet hysterical and somewhat handsome) men called "Bob Males."

Enjoy!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Chivalry is Dead!

The keys to my car are "old school" keys, meaning that I actually have to put the key into the lock, turn the key to manually unlock my door, open the door and then take the keys out of the lock in order to put them in the ignition.

If you're under the age of 25 then you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. You're probably used to the fancy keys with the electric button thingy that unlocks all the doors and occasionally honks the horn.

Whippersnappers.

Well, my wife's keys are those modern electric thingies, and on Thursday I was in charge of driving back from our lunch date at TJ Ribs on Siegen and was forced to use the dreaded electro-keys. While walking to our car in the restaurant's parking lot, I clicked the unlock button on her key chain to unlock the door and then I proceeded to get into the driver's seat. But do you know what I forgot to do?

I didn't open the car door for her.

That's correct, Chivalry is dead - I throttled it when I broke my streak of 8 consecutive years of opening doors for my wife. And believe me, she isn't letting me forget it.

Damn you, Modern Technology! You fooled me with your fancy shiny buttons and your telekinetic powers of unlocking doors / honking horns!

Now to redeem myself I need to buy a car whose digital key chain actually does open doors on the car. So this one dinner at TJ Ribs is going to set me back a good 30K.

I'll take the half order of baby back ribs and a new Honda Odyssey, please. Oh, and I'd like to get cheese fries on the side and doors that open automagically, thanks.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The New Afghan Sex Laws

Afghanistan has some new (yet pending) sex laws which give husbands the right to demand sex from their wives every four days. Naturally, Afghan women and most of the rest of the world are against this new law.

I'm against this law as well, but not because it degrades women. I'm against it because I don't think there's enough sex involved.

All I'm saying is that if I were the author of this law then it would be sex ALL DAY EVERY DAY, and I'd throw in a sub-clause for new and varied positions once every 12 days. My sex law would state that lingerie must be worn at least one day a week for the entire day, and I would also decree that purchases of Victoria's Secret crotchless panties and wonder-bras be made tax-deductible.

Why not throw in a stipulation that Best Buy give all men a 10% discount on video cameras and big screen TVs? That way if someone's too tired to have sex then at least they could watch past sexual exploits on a 1080p 240 Hz 52" Sony Bravia flat screen.

What's that you say? I'm a male chauvinist? Not so. I bet my wife would be all for it.

Currently I do demand sex every waking minute - and sometimes in my sleep - although I'm denied 99.9999% of the time. If my wife could limit me to demanding sex once every four days, then she would only have to reject my advances 91.25 times out of the year instead of 525,600 times. (That's one denial for every minute of every day, not including the extra few minutes which add up to a fourth of a leap day.)

So maybe this new law is a step in the right direction for women after all. Hey, at least the women will get to spend at least one day a week not hidden under a burka!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Traditions

I hope everyone had a very happy Easter! We sure did - it was my daughter's first Easter and we made the most out of it.

Betty wanted to tell my daughter Anne about how Jesus was crucified and died on Good Friday then rose from the dead on Easter Sunday, but I thought that was a little too morbid for a one year old. So instead we decided to give Anne a first-hand look at how our family celebrates Easter every year, and to explain our traditions and culture.

First, I dressed up in a pink bunny outfit that I bought at "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow" thrift store in Baton Rouge for $2.75. Next, Betty and I strolled Anne down the block to a house with a large cement basket adorning the lawn. (Seriously, these people have a two ton cement basket sitting in their front lawn for no apparent reason other than to bring down the land value of everyone around them. It doesn't just sit out there for Easter - it's out there the entire year.)

Next, Betty held Anne while I hopped around the cement basket. With every hop I hid an Easter egg, explaining to Anne how I hid candy in the plastic eggs and that ants would descend upon the house in a bloodthirsty rage for chocolate. The ants, I explained, would be drawn from our lawn and into the neighbor's, and would bite the owners of the house while they were tending to their ridiculously large cement basket lawn ornament.

Next, I hopped in the middle of the cement Easter basket, where I unbuttoned the back of the bunny costume and deposited a nice, brown chocolate bunny for the owners of the house to find later.

Finally, while strolling Anne back to our house I explained how Jesus died for our sins, and that made it perfectly OK for me to crap in our neighbor's decorative cement basket while donning a pink bunny outfit. True, Jesus only forgives those who are genuinely sorry, but now that my vile act was over, I was deeply sorry that I had done it. I figured that someone might be able to get a DNA sample from it and trace it back to me, and for that I was sorry.

So what did Anne learn on her first Easter? She learned a little about Jesus, a few things about the Easter bunny, and a lot about respecting your neighbors.

Hoppy Easter!

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Automatic for the People

At first I was shocked, then happy, and now I'm upset about Obama not bailing out Detroit. I don't necessarily care that he's not giving them money, but I'm angry about the reasoning behind it: because he wants to see the American Auto Industry produce better cars that are more reliable and last longer.

What the hell!?! That is just so un-American!

Why do you think something like the Hummer, which only gets 7 miles to the gallon, is so popular? Do you think it's because it's reliable? Hell no! It's because girls think they're sexy, and that's all young American men care about. Who is Obama to stop the libido of young men all over the country!?!

(Editor's note: The HT3 Hummer gets 14 miles to the gallon, but only if you drive it down a sloped surface.)

It's the American way to buy expensive crap that we don't need. For example, cathode-ray TVs last up to 20 years and LCD TVs only last 3-5 years, yet flat screens are all the rage right now. A good flat screen LCD TV costs anywhere between $1.5-3k dollars, but you can probably find a reliable TV in the garbage down the street.

And why are flat screen TVs so popular? Is it because they're reliable? Hello no! It's because I want to watch a movie without sitting by some fat, smelly guy who talks to his invisible girlfriend the entire time! I want my home theater to be so powerful that it can blow my eardrums out, even if I can't actually turn the volume up because the baby is asleep! I want to watch movies in my underwear and not get arrested for indecent exposure!

I want my instant gratification, dammit!

The American Dream is to get rich enough to buy a bunch of stuff that we don't need: a 30k sq-ft house, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a bowling alley in our house. The American Dream is not to buy quality products that will last an entire lifetime and then share them with our neighbors.

America is about making as much money as possible, as fast as possible. So Mr. Obama, if you really want to help our economy, and especially if you want to help our auto industry, then give every red-blooded American male a $10k tax rebate for buying a Hummer, then sit back and watch the American sleeping giant arise from its slumber.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Belly Button Question

My daughter is learning all kinds of new words. For example, if you say "nose" then she'll point to her nose. If you say "ear" then she'll tug on her ear. And if you say "toes" then she'll point to her hair.

My wife recently taught her where her belly button is. If you say "belly button," "barn burner," or "big bunny" she'll point to her belly button. It's pretty freakin' cute.

But my job as DaDa is to do more than just teach her words and meanings; I also have to show her how the world works. And we all know what buttons do: they either hold things together, or if they're colored red then they set off a nuclear holocaust with the Russians.

So how to explain the belly button?

Do I teach her that the belly button is a button in the sense of "holding things together"? If so, then she might think that her skin is some sort of onesie. I don't know how that's going to work.

If I teach her that her button can be pressed to toggle something, what should it toggle? Should pressing her belly button make a sound?

So many choices, so little time!

Of course, I could just teach her that her belly button, also known as navel or umbilicus, is a scar from when her umbilical cord fell off. But then I'd have to explain how she used to live in Mommy's belly, then she'd want to know how she got in there, and then I'd have to make up something extremely elaborate and sophisticated in the hopes of boring her senseless.

I think I'm going to say that the belly button toggles something. Seems like the safest course of action.

So my question to you, dear readers, is what bodily function do you envision to occur when you press your belly button?

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Anne's First Birthday!

Today is Anne's first birthday! Hurray!

We had a big birthday bash for Anne at our house today. There was a lot of work to do this week to prepare for the party, so like any dutiful father would do, I worked late every day and just let my father-in-law do my To Do List.

Thanks, Pops!

Anne racked up on the loot. I don't know where we're going to put everything, but apparently Betty thinks that my stuff can be thrown out to make room for Anne's new toys. Oh well... I wear the same five shirts to work every week, so I guess I really don't need the room.

Anne officially turned one at 4:32 PM. And coincidentally, we didn't let Anne play with any of her toys until 4:30. It wasn't tough love - it just took that long for me to put all of her toys together.

My favorite part was watching Anne eat her cake. She mainly ate the icing - more proof that she's her daddy's child.

[Picture: Anne grubbing]

Betty and I would like to thank everyone who came to Anne's party, especially those of you who had to drive in from out of town. Having all of you at the party was Anne's favorite gift.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

My New Part-Time Job

I have a new part-time job as the web guy for my wife's sorority web site.

This is truly a dream come true! Now my buddies and I can do a panty raid and the sorority can't do anything about it.

I feel so empowered!

Usually sorority girls, with the exception of my wife, want nothing to do with me. But strangely enough, majoring in Computer Science has paid off with the ladies. Who knew???

My first act as web dude is to post a picture of me with a few of the girls at a party, where we are all drunk and I'm dressed as a cow, and one of the girls is tugging on my udders. I'm also planning on putting in an Easter Egg (just in time for Easter!) where if you click on the Contact Us link then you'll be brought to kegs.org.

I'd like to thank my good friend Sara for entrusting me with all of this power. I can't wait to get started!

The Last Goodbye

This is how a blog ends: not with a bang, but with a whimper.

I used to write a blog once a day - sometimes two or three times a day. But between the long hours at work and the time spent with my family, my blogs have become fewer and farther between. Maybe it's time to just hang up my keyboard and call it quits.

We have one life to live, and I'm extremely thankful that you have been a part of mine. Thank you for sharing in my life and experiences via the blog for the better part of the past three and a half years. I've enjoyed getting to know all of you through your comments, emails and the occasional flame war, and I wish you all the best of luck in life. I hope we all keep in touch.

Thanks, as always, for spending a few minutes of your time with me.