Thursday, October 29, 2009

Trick or Treating on Sorority Row

On Wednesday, Betty and I took Anne to go Trick or Treating on Sorority Row.

Last year we took her in a stroller, but this year we opted for her pink princess car. She was the hit of Sorority Row! Her car was good for maneuvering around slow Trick or Treaters, and also for going off-road in order to snag some candy from hard-to-reach candy peddlers.

[Picture: Betty and Anne on Sorority Row]

Along the way down Sorority Row we saw a lot of fun sights. For example, we saw some Tiger Girls, which I thought meant they were half tiger / half human, but Betty said they were members of a dance team. Although, how anyone can dance with such tight spandex on is beyond me.

[Picture: Annie and the Tiger Girls]

If Anne's face looks a little greasy in that picture it's because she had just finished her first ever sucker. It was a brown Tootsie Pop. Mark it in the Baby Book!

We saw a lot of other fun sights besides girls in tight pants. For instance, we saw a giant, ravenous turtle...

[Picture: Our good friend Sara and her half-turtle son]

and a killer, flesh-eating ladybug the size of a small child...

[Picture: Lilly the giant ladybug]

and last but not least, we saw a cow. And yes, I yanked on her udders.

[Picture: Cow!!!]

She liked it.

As for Anne, she had a great time as Minnie Mouse. She really enjoyed the sights and sounds of Sorority Row. Who knows, maybe one day she'll even live there. She might be a DZ like her mommy and Gransy, or a DG like her Nanny.

[Picture: My beautiful Minnie Mouse]

Being back on campus brought back a lot of good memories. But no memory is better than spending some quality time with my wife and daughter, whilst racking up candy from girls in tight pants.

I can't wait until next Halloween.

"The Donald" Duck

My office is having a Halloween contest, and the winner gets a nice chunk of change. So tomorrow not only will I be in character all day long, but I will also be actively sabotaging other people's costumes.

What can I say? The Corporate world is cutthroat.

Last year I dressed up as Austin Powers, and my family joined me on stage as part of my costume: Anne was Mini Me and Betty was Felicity Shagwell. We won second place.

This year I originally signed up to be Donald Duck, but I've made a minor - yet significant - modification to my outfit: I'll be wearing a wig.

The wig is an important addition, as for this year's Halloween contest I will be dressing up as "The Donald" Duck, which is a hybrid of Donald Trump and Donald Duck.

The goal is to get up on stage, grab the mic and then fire everyone else in the Halloween contest. If I'm the only one competing then I should win all the prizes.

Seems easy enough.

If you would like to be my apprentice for the day, meet me at my cubicle and I'll give you and your competitors random challenges during the workday in which to impress me. The winner gets to take a ride over Baton Rouge in my Mickey Mouse Club hot air balloon.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Monty Python's Flying Circus

One of my favorite comedy sketches is the Hungarian Phrase Book sketch by Monty Python because it includes my single favorite catch phrase of all time: "My nipples explode with delight!"



Every night this week I've been watching one of the 14 Monty Python Flying Circus DVDs that Betty bought me a few years ago. She's happy that I have something to keep me occupied at night, but not very happy that I've been jumping around corner yelling, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" every few hours. Apparently it also scares Anne when I do that.

Last week Sirius satellite radio broadcast a full week of Monty Python Radio on channel 105. The Dead Parrot sketch, the Lumberjack Song, how to defend yourself against a person attacking you with fresh fruit... even the Ministry of Silly Walks sketch was funny over the radio. But nothing beats vegging out in front of the TV for 20+ hours watching nothing but grown men slap each other with fish.

Well, it's hard to explain. But if you love Monty Python then you already know what I mean.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Baby Homer Simpson

Betty has never let Anne watch Baby Einstein. She just never saw the point. When other people pointed out that it had "Einstein" in the title and therefore must make your baby smart, she would reply, "They're just showing different toys. Anne could see that at home."

And she was right, of course. That's one thing I love about Betty - she never takes anyone's word for granted without thinking things through.

And if you are a parent and have tens of the Baby Einstein DVDs at your house, you might be sitting on a small fortune because Disney is offering a refund for all those DVDs that didn't turn your kid into a genius.

If your child has watched these DVDs then it doesn't mean that your child has been hurt academically. It just means that your child may have been exposed to fewer words than another baby doing a different activity, as Baby Einstein doesn't have a lot of words in it. But if you talk to your child regularly then you have nothing to worry about.

So if your child hasn't contributed to any spectacular scientific advancements recently, or hasn't become a child prodigy on the piano, or still can't identify the twelve signs of the Zodiac in the night sky, or if your child has simply outgrown the Baby Einstein DVDs, then maybe it's time that you got a refund.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Indecent Exposure in Virginny

A man in Virginia was recently arrested for being naked in his own home after a woman walked by and saw him through the windows.

The woman, who was walking her 7 year-old across the guy's lawn at the time, called the cops on the guy after not being able to work the camera app on her iPhone.

Sources close to the case, who asked to be kept anonymous and/or we forgot to ask them their names, said that the guy was home alone and was making coffee. Apparently he was also trying to determine what to eat for breakfast, but was having trouble deciding between a sausage, a banana, or possibly having a leftover hot dog for an early lunch.

As a man who's been known to run around the house (and other people's houses) naked once or twice, I defend this poor Virginny man. In fact, I think the woman should be arrested on two counts: first for being a peeping tom, and second for trespassing on the guy's property - the article clearly says that the woman was walking her child across the man's lawn. If this had happened in Texas I bet the woman would have been tasered.

Arresting a man for being naked in his own home is ridiculous. It's not like he was pressing his nads up against the window - he was making coffee. And he was probably rubbing his balls and crack on his roommate's food, as is his God-given right.

Who are we to police a man minding his own business in his own home? This is America, after all. If we can't be naked in our own homes, then where can we be naked?

And since your car is an extension of your home, I argue that you should be allowed to drive around naked any time you want. Just don't forget which stick to shift when you're out there on the Interstate, otherwise someone's going to call the cops on you.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

More Than Meets the Eye

I just finished watching "Transformers: Rise of the Fallen".

Transformers are supposed to be "more than meets the eye", but nobody told that to the director: the movie was 97% special effects, 2% Megan Fox running around in slow motion, 1% plot, and 0% character development. So I'd say that Transformers 2's motto is "meets the eye."

But there's one thing that I really liked about the movie: The USS Kidd makes a cameo and kicks some Decepticon ass.

Now I know what you're asking: how could the USS Kidd have whupped evil, mechanized ass when it's docked in the Mississippi River in Baton Rouge?

The answer, of course, is that there are three ships named USS Kidd, and while ship DDG-100 was featured in Transformers, DDG-661 is the one docked in Baton Rouge. But that still won't stop me from asking the USS Kidd tour guide about Transformers when I bring my family there this summer.

Now that we're on the topics of kicking ass and Navy ships, I want to bring to your attention an article that Baton Rouge's paper, the Advocate, wrote about my father-in-law Jimmy Mathes. He and three other men in the article were in boot camp and electrician mate's school together, and all served on the USS Oriskany at the same time. It's a rare occurrence that any men are stationed together through that many years of service.

Forty-four sailors and airmen died on Oct. 26, 1966 on the Oriskany, and Jimmy was there to see it all happen. The article mentions some events that I didn't know about. My wife was even surprised at some of it. It sheds a whole different light on Jimmy, and we love him all the more for it.

Like the Autobots in Transformers, my father-in-law is more than meets the eye.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Bozo Ball Toss

The Bozo Ball Toss is quite possibly the most intricate of all carnival games. To win you must be skilled at repeatedly tossing small, light balls into buckets up to ten feet away. In case you were wondering: yes, it defies physics. It also defies the imagination. But the prize if you succeed is more than just pride and glory: there's also candy.

With so much at stake, the good people at St. George needed a man's man to man the Bozo booth at their annual fair which took place over the weekend. And that man was me.

[Picture: Bob and his balls]

Betty helped, too.

Of course, if you were looking for the Bozo Ball Toss then you might have missed it unless you were looking for "OZO BA L TOSS", which is what the title of the game was after some kids knocked a few letters off. Who knew that small, light balls could pack such an incredible punch?

[Picture: The Ozo Ba L Toss]

I got tired of explaining how to play the game to all of the kids at the fair, so instead I just created a small poster that had the following info:

Step 1: Stand near the Bozo Ball Toss game and throw / toss 6 balls into one of the six buckets screwed to the floor. Like so:

[Picture: The Bozo Demo: Tossing]

Step 2: Jump up and down after you win. And yes, even if you get zero balls into the buckets, you will still win something.

[Picture: The Bozo Demo: Winner!]

I know this sounds like a game for manly men, but don't worry ladies, there's something for you as well. I had to bend down to pick up the balls off the ground after every game, so if you played your cards right you could have seen this after your kid missed all 6 buckets:

[Picture: Bob's butt]

Betty and I practiced the Bozo game when business was a little light, and I think I have found the best way to land a ball in the 6th and final bucket: bank the ball off the Bozo sign down into the bucket. I can't wait until next year's St. George fair at which point I will take the poor sap who mans the Bozo booth for all he's worth.

Daisy Duck

My wife looks beautiful in anything, but she looks especially hot in her new Daisy Duck outfit. Check it out!

[Picture: Daisy Duck has arrived!]

Of course, you can't buy any kind of Halloween costume without thinking that you might one day resell it on eBay. We took these pictures in anticipation of that day:

Daisy's Front:
[Picture: Front side of Daisy Duck]

Daisy from the side:
[Picture: Side view of Daisy Duck]

Daisy's hot tail:
[Picture: Back side of Daisy Duck]

As you know from a previous blog post, I'm infatuated with Daisy Duck. Let's just say that if I were a real duck, and if Daisy Duck came waddling around, I would swim up to her and jam my cloaca right up against hers until I was all quacked out. Oh yeah, that's hot!

I couldn't resist putting on my Donald outfit and getting a little duck lovin'.

[Picture: Daisy Duck has arrived!]

Let's just say that Daisy got ducked!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Baby Grand-Daddy

Does your grandfather still wake up at 5 am and put on slacks and a long sleeve button-down shirt because he's used to it after working for 40 years? And are you or your loved one preggers? Well, help your G-dad relax by getting him this beautiful and regal "Baby Grand-Daddy" t-shirt.



If your granddad is in an assisted living facility like mine, then the ladies in the facility will know that not only is your grandfather virile, but that his genes are continuing to propagate across the earth. Your grandfather might actually start to like the assisted living facility after you buy him this shirt.

And who knows, your grandfather might even get 30 minutes of exercise per day by running from the mob of ladies who will chase him around, all in an effort to rip his new clothes off of him. If that happens, you can always just buy him another Baby Grand-Daddy t-shirt.

By the way, we also have Baby Daddy t-shirts for the less "grand" daddies. I should mention that it's perfectly fine to get your grandfather both the Baby Daddy and Baby Grand-Daddy t-shirts, since technically he is both.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

The Grandmother of all Garage Sales

If your grandma is like my grandma, she likes nothing better than to go to a garage sale and rummage through other people's stuff. It doesn't matter if she needs another used dust ruffle, curtain rod or ceramic bunny statue, the point is that she can get it for under a quarter. It's all about getting a good deal.

"Who knows when someone will need this Christmas tree skirt?" she'll ask, before haggling the price down to 10 cents.

I bring this topic up because my grandmother just moved into an assisted living home, and she can't take all her stuff with her. There's just no room at her new pad for all of the pillows, angel statues, blankets and Tupperware that she's collected over the years. So my family is putting on a garage sale, and now your grandma can come over to my grandma's house and buy all of her old stuff for cheap.

Everything must go!

"But Bob," I can hear you saying, "how do I know how much money to bring, and how big of a vehicle should I drive in which to fill up with loot such as old romance novels, Jesus statues and china?"

Well my friends, have no fear: you can get a preview of the garage sale by viewing this video.



With the economy in its current state, it probably is a good time to buy used rather than buy new. So why don't you pick up your grandma early on Saturday and drive over to my grandma's house? Who knows, your grandma might even buy you something nice in order to show you her appreciation.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Playing Jail

Some kids on my street were playing "jail" when I came home from work the other day. Two girls were playing the cops, and another girl was playing the prisoner. Actually, the "prisoner" must have been on the lamb because she was being chased by the other girls. When she was caught they put her into an invisible jail, and then they turned to me to get my approval for clearing the streets of such hooligans.

I looked down my glasses at the two barefooted children in front of me. "Did you read the prisoner her Miranda Rights?" I asked.

The two jailers looked blankly at me. One girl piped up, "I don't think so. What are Miranda Rights?"

I rolled my eyes and said, "Girls! How can you have forgotten the most important thing when apprehending a suspect?! Have you not learned anything from late night TV?"

The other jailer kicked a rock on the ground. "She confessed to a horrible crime. She said that she picked a flower from her neighbor's garden. We were just doing our jobs as cops."

"NO!" I shouted. "You didn't give her access to an attorney, you didn't read her her Miranda Rights... hell, she'll be back out on the street in a matter of hours! Don't you know anything about the law?"

The prisoner had apparently broken out of her invisible prison cell by this point because she appeared next to the other two girls. "I didn't really pick a flower but I said I did so that I could go to jail, because I was playing the part of the prisoner." She sounded innocent, but then again, most four year-olds sound innocent regardless of what they say.

"Yeah," I said, "you prisoners are always claiming to be innocent. Just wait here so I can go get my judge's robe on and let me find my gavel. I'll also print out the steps for purchasing bail bonds. I'll be back in a few minutes."

But before I could return, the girls ran off crying to their parents.

So anyway, my neighbors are now mad at me for teaching their kids about the justice system and about due diligence. It's almost like they want their children to grow up with no sense of how to correctly book a person into jail.

And if that weren't bad enough, Betty's got me locked me up in an invisible prison. All for just trying to be a good neighbor!

Monday, October 05, 2009

Tickets to the Florida Game

When I came home from work today my wife informed me that her parents had an extra ticket to the LSU vs. Florida game this Saturday, and she asked if I would like to go.

I wanted to say "Hellz yeah!" but I hesitated, because after all, this could be a trap.

You see, last year I made two LSU football games, but Betty made none. She was at home with the baby while I was out tiger-baiting anything that wasn't dressed in purple and gold. So this question of whether or not I wanted to go to the game, as innocent as it sounds, could have just been a ploy for Betty to see how much I really love her.

So instead of quickly piping in, "Yes, please!" I instead asked if she would want to go instead. "Go, have fun, I'll stay with Anne. We'll watch it on TV. We'll even drive you out the stadium, tailgate for a while, and then meet you at your parents' house after the game. I can put Anne to bed there."

If nothing else, this proves that I love my wife.

She said she'd think about it. I begged her to take the ticket. I just wouldn't feel right taking them... at least not until after she had denied them three times. After that I can't feel sorry for anyone who doesn't take LSU vs. Florida tickets.

In the end, neither Betty nor I had to make a final decision. Betty said that her brother gave the extra ticket to his friend.

Of course, this could be another trap. Maybe Betty wants me to show my dedication to her by breaking into her brother's friend's house in the dead of night and stealing the tickets back.

Ah... the things we do for love!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Pink for October

Every year I turn my blog pink for October. But this year I'm trying something different.

Instead of turning my blog pink, I'm just going to write about how much I love breasts. My hope is that instead of encouraging women to get screened for breast cancer, I will inspire other men to make sure that they get their wives / fiancees / girlfriends screened due to their natural and lifelong love of happy fun bags.

As we all know, scientific studies have proven that nothing can turn a bad day into a tolerable day like a nice rack jiggling around. But here's the deal: breast cancer can make that jiggling stop. Men have a responsibility to make sure that the jiggling continues, and the best way for us guys to do that is to encourage our lady-friends to get screened for cancer.

I encourage all of the women out there to do three things:

1. Get screened for breast cancer.
2. Encourage your friends to get screened for breast cancer.
3. Email everyone pictures of your breasts so that we'll all know that they're OK.

Mankind cannot survive without jiggling breasts. So do your part to save mankind and go get screened for breast cancer. Don't forget to email me pictures of your rack.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Crankenstein

We were going to dress my daughter up as Minnie Mouse for Halloween this year, but I think I have a better idea. We're going to dress her up as Crankenstein.

Who or what is Crankenstein? Well, it's simple: Crankenstein is a cranky version of Frankenstein.

My daughter, Anne, has been a little cranky lately. It might be because she has some more teeth coming in, or it might be that the change in the weather is wreaking havoc on her sinuses. Or it might be because it's getting darker earlier, and she's not able to play outside as much anymore. Or it might be because she gets hives when she plays outside now.

Nobody really knows the reason, but it's inevitable that she would get cranky - she's a year and a half old, after all. She's reaching her "Terrible Two" stage. Crankiness is expected.

So instead of trying to soothe her crankiness, we've decided to celebrate it by smearing green face paint all over her and taping two bolts to the sides of her neck. And if we come to your house for Halloween and you don't give her lots of candy, we're going to let her throw a real Tanory Tantrum on your front porch.

Friday, October 02, 2009

The Elves and the Bread-Maker

Betty and I were going through a box containing some of my old high school memorabilia, and we came across a board book that I made in my sophomore or junior year as part of a group project. I liked it so much that I want to share it with all of you. It goes a little something like this:

The Elves and the Bread-Maker
by Bobby Tanory, Steven Greene, Natalie Bass and Shari Touchet

Once upon a time there lived an old bread-maker and his wife. They lived in an apartment above their bread store. They were poor, and business had been slow. They saved up just enough money to buy the latest state-of-the-art bread machine, and they had ordered it through the mail. But on arrival of the bread machine, the old bread-maker realized how much the world had advanced around them. He couldn't figure out how to work the bread machine!

One day the old bread-maker was on the phone with the manager from the store that he had ordered his machine from.

"No, no, no!" he shouted into the phone. "I don't know how to use it. Well take it back! Oh, yes I'll get my money back! Fine, I'll keep it!" And with that he slammed the phone down.

One night as the bread-maker and his wife were preparing for bed, he remembered that he had left the bread machine on and a lot of dough out. When he told his wife this, she told him to shush up and go to bed, and that everything would still be there in the morning. Being the frightened husband that he was, he hopped right into bed and apologized to his wife for disturbing her.

While they slept, a few miniature elves wanted to do something amazing to show the bigger elves that they knew what was up. They crept into the bread-maker's house and saw the bread machine and the dough. They huddled together and made a plan, then broke up and got to work making bread.

"Wow! They have a Premo Ultimo Z-8000 Bread Machine! It's the top of the line!" one of the little elves shouted. And with that he jumped up to grab one of the levers, and the machine started to buzz with life.

The next day the old bread-maker woke up in a great mood. He strode out to make himself some coffee, when all of a sudden he saw the bread. It was stacked on the counter in huge piles. Some were shiny, some were dark, some were different flavors from the rest, and some were flavors that he didn't even know existed! They all smelled terrific, and the bread-maker quickly packaged the bread to contain its freshness.

When the store opened, samples were being laid out for the customers. The few who came in at first tried them, then bought whole loaves for their families. Word was passed around that the old bread-maker had delicious bread, and soon the store was filled with customers. A man with a yellow hat came in and had a sample, then went to introduce himself to the bread-maker. He said that he could make the bread-maker famous, but since he was only a park ranger, the bread-maker had to decline.

Needless to say that the laws of supply and demand took its course. The bread-maker quadrupled his prices and sold his supply of bread. He incorporated his business and sold stock, and the money he gained was used for expansion. He and his wife bought a condo in Florida and continued to mass produce bread by hiring hundreds of people to work for him. His chain of bread stores became the most famous bakery chain in the country, and he was declared "Most Loved Person" by the president.

As for the elves, they grew up in dysfunctional households full of bigger and mightier elves who teased them and gave them wedgies. They never broke out of prison, since that is where they all wound up, and were never heard of again.

The End

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Being Donald Duck

At long last, I have been certified as the official Donald Duck of Halloween. Check out my sweet outfit!

[Picture: Awesome Donald picture 1]

Look how happy I am - I would definitely make a great Donald at Disney World!

And since everyone who sells a Donald Duck outfit on eBay is apparently compelled to take cheesey pictures of themselves looking forward, sideways and to the rear, I went ahead and took those pictures now in preparation for when I eBay this outfit (if ever).

The Forward Donald:

[Picture: Awesome Donald picture 2]

Donald in Profile:

[Picture: Awesome Donald picture 3]

Donald's Hot Tail:

[Picture: Awesome Donald picture 4]

Betty couldn't stand it that I was having so much fun at Donald, so she forced me to take it off. It's the only time since the Honeymoon that she's practically ripped my clothes off, and that first time was only so that I wouldn't spill my wine on the rented tux.

[Picture: Mrs. Donald]

We're actively eBaying for a Daisy Duck outfit, but so far we just haven't had any luck. I'm sure we'll find something closer to Halloween. In the meantime, go find yourself a Disney costume and plan on coming to the Tanory house for Halloween. We still need a Mickey, a Goofy, a Pluto and a Pete!