Saturday, April 17, 2010

A Cajun Clash of the Titans

In the tradition of taking a story and Cajunifying it (to make it Cajun), here is my Cajun version of Clash of the Titans. If you don't know the story then you should probably stop reading, otherwise this story may contain spoilers. (Although, considering that this is mythology and is thousands of years old, maybe it's time someone told you the story if you don't know it by now.)

Clash of the Petite Tantes

Once upon a time there was a god named Moose (Zeus). He was a good-timing god and liked to play the accordion, go mudding in his truck, get drunk, and make love to mere mortals' wives. One day a boy named Percy (Perseus) was born, and he was the son of Moose - you could tell because of the way he went muddin'. But he wasn't the son of Moose's wife. Instead, he was the son of a mortal's wife, so the mortal's wife's husband took her on to Jerry Springer.

Moose lived in the top story of his parents' duplex. Moose's brother, Teefus, who everybody called "Hey, T!" (Hades), lived in the basement. Teefus didn't like the basement, because it was hot and muggy all year round, except for a couple of weeks in February after the Saints won the Superbowl.

Although Percy was Moose's son, Moose didn't raise him. Percy was raised by a shrimper. One day while in the wetlands south of Lafourche, Percy's ship was attacked by Teefus, because Teefus didn't want Percy to inherit the top floor of the duplex. Percy swore to get revenge by telling everyone that Teefus's hot sauce was made in New York City.

Percy got drunk and left an angry message on Teefus's voice mail indicating that he was going to take him to small claims court. Then he got drunker and went out to go kill Teefus.

Percy consulted three old hags (the Graeae) out in the swamp. They said that Teefus had a monster, named the Cracklin' (the Kraken), that was made of fried fat, and the only way to kill the Cracklin' was to either eat it or make it look into Deuce's eyes. Deuce, whose name got the same reaction everywhere - "Mais, Deuce! Ehhh!" (Medusa) - was an old hag who lived with snakes and never showered. It was said that just looking at her could make a man "get hard," so many men went to see her, only to die by turning into stone.

Teefus was going to have Crackin' kill a pretty girl named Andrepont (Andromeda), because Andrepont refused his offer of marrige - she didn't want to get married to anyone who lived in a basement because it's too hot down in South Louisiana for that, sha! Plus, Andrepont's mother, Cassie (Cassiopeia), had already offended Teefus by saying Andrepont was too good for him.

But Teefus needed Moose's permission to let Cracklin' out, because Cracklin' always damaged a lot of property and Moose had to bail him out of jail. But Moose let him go, saying, "Release the Cracklin'!"

But just then, Percy killed Deuce and took her head to the beach, where Cracklin' was bathing. Cracklin' looked at Deuce's severed head and got hard, then turned to stone and died. Andrepont thanked Percy by giving him a coupon for a year's supply of Tony Chachere's.

Everyone lived happily ever after... except for Cracklin', who died; Teefus, who went back to his basement; and Cassie, who died of heat exhaustion after Moose and her got it on in the back of his pickup truck after a fun day of muddin'.

The End

1 comment:

bwallace said...

Fa Real bruh, thats good stuff. very creative and hitting uneasily close to home.
"Hey T" is my favorite character.