Thursday, April 22, 2010

Putting the S-E-X in the SEC

It was revealed in the news today that SEC staffers watched porn as the economy crashed.

According to this article from the Associated Press, a senior attorney at the SEC's Washington headquarters spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: What website did he go to?

Okay, I know you're all really thinking: What the hell was that a-hole thinking? And when is the date of his planned lethal injection?

Well, I'm here to defend our poor SEC staffers. Here are five good reasons why they should have been watching porn while the economy was swirling down the drain:

1. The senior SEC staffer was probably looking at porn from emerging markets like China, India and Brazil. The higher quality the porn from each country, the better the country's GDP is likely to be.

2. Porn is big business, and some porn organizations are corporations - meaning that the SEC must do extensive research before investigating claims against it.

3. The senior staffer spent 8 hours looking at porn. That's an 8 hour work day. Most people can only handle 15-20 minutes of porn before feeling disgusted with themselves. This man deserves a medal. Also, he might have actually been doing work - and maybe he works best without wearing pants.

4. He might have been testing the ramifications of a federal court's ruling on Network Neutrality.

5. We're lucky he was an SEC staffer. If he was a staffer for the Big 12 then we'd have to hear about how the first three picks of the 2010 NFL draft came out of his conference.

Oh, what the heck, here's a 6th reason:

6. He is the majority shareholder for Kleenex.


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