Friday, May 28, 2010

The First Life Lesson on Raising a Son

I have some advice to any new parents with a newborn son. Listen (or read) closely, because this is the best advice that you're going to get from anybody, ever:

Cover his wiener when you're changing his diaper.

Sure, sure, it seems like common sense. But believe me, it only takes getting peed on once to make sure you cover it up next time.

So how do you reduce or eliminate the chances of a golden shower while changing your son's diaper? Here are a few ideas:

1. Cover the wee-wee with a washcloth.
2. Use a dixie cup (or if your son is like my son, a 44 oz. cup) as a shield.
3. Get a Pee Pee Tee Pee.
4. Make your wife change the diapers.

And just in case my wife is reading this at the moment, that last one was a joke. Seriously. Please don't beat me.


5. Paint your walls with something that, when peed on, will change colors and make a pretty picture. Then give up all hope that you will one day be able to stem the flow of your son's whiz. As you go to change your son's diaper, the cold air will hit your son's junk, at which point he'll grunt once and then unleash a stream of pee on the wall which under normal circumstances would drive you crazy. But now, as the special paint that you've used unveils a drawing of elephants hugging giraffes with their trunks (or whatever you've chosen), just enjoy the serene beauty of your new wall painting until it (and your son) dries off.

Rinse and repeat.

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