With the addition of my new baby in June, there will be even less time for the rest of my family. Between work, the few hours of sleep that I plan on getting, and the extra 15 minutes that I will spend sitting on the toilet so that I can read my Newsweek in peace, there will be less time for my mother, father, brother and sister.
I don't want my family to be neglected, and I don't know when I'll have time for them again. Therefore, in an effort to give my family members the best chance of finding hope and love out amongst the rest of the world, I've decided to sell my immediate family on eBay.
Don't judge me. I need the money for my new baby's college fund.
I've thought long and hard about which family member I should auction off first. I'll need my mother's support after the baby arrives, and therefore I can't sell my mother online. My sister's getting married in July, and I want to go to her reception - and I doubt she'd let me go if I sold her on eBay (or any other online retailer). My dad will be paying for my sister's wedding, which leaves only my brother to be sold for a hefty profit on eBay.
So please let me introduce my first family product: Todd, my older brother! Do I hear a hundred? Anyone? Anyone?
With your purchase of my brother, Todd - who can soon be your brother, Todd - you will receive a handsome and professional Tanory with two, count them - TWO - distinct eyebrows. Remember, folks, we Tanorys generally only have a single eyebrow between us, so the fact that Todd has two eyebrows should speak volumes about his personal grooming habits.
I won't lie, my brother Todd demands more upkeep. You'll have to purchase hair gel, designer clothes, and enough Windex to clean the frame that houses his MBA diploma at least eight times a week. But it's worth it. Oh, and you'll need to buy at least three Ultimate Fighting Championship matches on Pay-Per-View per week or he'll go stir crazy and destroy the furniture in the living room.
Todd also comes with several built-in stories, such as but not limited to:
1. That time he scored a hat trick in a soccer game;
2. That time he got a red card in a soccer game;
3. That other time he got a red card in a soccer game.
Just in time for the World Cup!
I was going to add in fine print but realized that many of you who would be interested in my brother Todd are probably older and would like a person to call your own son. So instead of making the font smaller, I'll just shoot you straight: you're only purchasing my brother, Todd, and not his wife, either one of his children, his dog, or any of his possessions. You are not purchasing a family, but only a family member. A very dear and expensive family member (but I'm willing to make a deal).
Depending on how much attention my new baby and/or first-born need after our family expands will determine if I need to auction off one of my other family members. However, if my sister's wedding hasn't come and gone and we still need the money, then I may have to start auctioning off a brother-in-law. So stay tuned for some potentially great deals from the Mathes side of the family.
Hacker, Hack Thyself
3 weeks ago