There I was outside the W hotel in New Orleans, standing in the valet area with a foot on the cart holding all of our bags, my right hand gripping Pete's stroller, and my left hand holding a tray of chocolate penis-shaped cupcakes with cream cheese filling... just in time for a handful of the 25,000 Lutheran volunteers down in New Orleans for the weekend to walk by.
We had just found out the hard way that there are two W hotels in New Orleans - one on Poydras, which is where we found ourselves temporarily stranded, and another on Chartres Street, which is where we needed to go. We were in New Orleans so Betty could go to my sister's bachelorette party and so I could watch Peter. (My wife is breastfeeding Peter so he had to tag along, which meant I had to go so I could babysit him. My parents were babysitting Anne.)
We had just unloaded our bags at the wrong hotel, and the valet had just peeled off the lot before we could stop him. And Betty had just gone to the bathroom, leaving me with the bags, our eight week old son, and of course, a platter of chocolate penis-shaped cupcakes.
Have I mention the chocolate penis-shaped cupcakes yet?
A wizened old Lutheran lady stooped down low to get a good look at Peter. "My oh my," she cooed, "What a beautiful boy! You must be so...."
Then she got a look at the cupcakes. She did a triple take between me, Peter and the cupcakes - or as we called them over the weekend, Cockcakes - and then proceeded to escort several teenage Lutherans (all wearing green backpacks) as far as they could get from me.
The old woman left before I could offer her one of Betty's homemade cockcakes, but if she had refused - which we can assume is a safe bet - then she might have opted for one of the forty traditional cupcakes we had also brought. There were only two differences between our cupcakes and regular cupcakes: ours had cookie dough baked into the middle of each cupcake, and we also sprinkled penis-shaped candy on top of every one.
If you can't tell, we thought long and hard about how to position the candy on top of each cupcake.
An hour later we were checked into the correct W hotel, and Pete and I decided to take a snooze. Betty went across the street to get pizza for us, and while she was gone I had a brief flash of temptation that I had to fight off - I wanted to bring my son to Bourbon!
So what if he's only eight weeks old and can only focus on objects a foot away from his face? It would have been a great picture to have him strolling next to a Huge Ass Beers sign!
Betty was getting food for me, but the little dude was not really hungry yet. I was in charge of rectifying that before Betty left for the night, as otherwise I would have to use up one of our precious bottles of breastmilk. I thought about taking him into a strip club - my reasoning was, Pete would look at all those exposed ta-tas and think: a buffet! That would be sure to get his appetite going! But then I thought that Betty and/or Social Services wouldn't appreciate that, so instead we just stayed in our hotel.
It was probably best that we didn't leave, as right then Pete lost up to four pounds - in his diaper. I have a really bad sense of smell, so I know a diaper's fumes are going to peel wallpaper when even I can smell it. I thought about calling Room Service to ask if they changed diapers along with bedsheets.
While Betty was partying with the ladies, Pete fell asleep on my chest while I rented the movie Kick-Ass. It lived up to its name! Once that movie was over, I didn't want to move in fear of waking up Pete, so instead I watched "Idiocracy" on Comedy Central twice in a row.
In the end, my sister had a great bachelorette party - or so I assume, as I really didn't want to know any of the details. The two things that I did learn was that the penis-shaped cupcakes were such a success that the bachelorette partygoers renamed Betty to be "Betty Cocker", and that so many of the ladies at the bachelorette party were moms and were out for the first time that the chant "Moms on the loose!" was shouted from many a balcony.
And just in case I haven't shown enough penis-shaped goodies, here's one more for the road!
To Serve Man, with Software
1 month ago