Monday, August 09, 2010

No More Red Meat, Unless I'm Hungry

I'm trying to eat less red meat. I don't know what the actual health benefits are of doing so, but I know that every doctor in the movies or on TV always instructs the patient to quit eating red meat. And if I've learned anything in my thirty years on Earth, it's that the movies don't lie.

So now burgers, steaks, hooved non-pig livestock... all of these things are off my diet.

I'm trying so hard to stop eating red meat that I even turned down steak this week. Which leads me to believe that not eating red meat might be turning me into a woman. Which, let's face it, might not be too bad if I gain an amazing rack out of the deal.

The one obvious downside to giving up red meat is my constant craving for raw flesh. But then again, I always did enjoy jumping on people's backs and ripping at their jugular veins with my incisors, although that was usually because of the Mad Cow Disease and not because of extreme cravings for flesh.

To stem my hunger I've been trying to find a substitute for red meat. Most seafood in South Louisiana is fried or baked in butter, plus there's a question of how the oil spill is going to affect the seafood supply. So I'm not sure if eating more seafood is really the answer. Instead of beef or fish, I've just been eating a lot of chicken. It's amazing how many ways there are to eat chicken, and doubly amazing that no matter how you cook it, it still tastes like chicken.

Betty's been cooking a lot of pork, too, but she's been making it less now that I always make a very insightful and hilarious joke using pork as a verb whenever she serves it.

Someone suggested that I eat soy, but then I referred them to this semi-scientific paper on how soy makes you gay. Okay, you got me, I referred them to my blog - can't blame a man for trying to generate web traffic, can you?

I could always eat more fruits and veggies. I did start the Veggielution, after all.

Maybe I'll just eat in moderation. Otherwise, who knows, the next time the fat guy from Accounting walks by, he might want to wear a scarf.

1 comment:

lizinmali said...

MORNINGSTAR (FAKE) SAUSAGE PATTIES....will change your life! Better than the real thing, and worth the splurge. Soy that makes you feel hetero. I think this will help your transition into a red meat-free life!

LOVED going back and reading your "Soy Makes you Gay" post, you're so creative and hilarious Btan!