Thursday, August 19, 2010

Phone Sex

I was away from my wife for a few hours longer than normal, and so in a desperate, lonely bid to feel close to her, I tried to initiate phone sex. But having never had phone sex before, and not knowing what it entails, I had to experiment.

First, how do you have sex with a phone?

And second, I had to find a nice, clean phone to use, because surely I wasn't going to have sex with MY phone. I mean, I have to use that thing on a daily basis! The last thing I want to think of while on a conference call is which end of the phone I rubbed against my inner thigh.

(By the way, just to let you in on the phone sex lingo, if you caress your phone while on a conference call then that is considered an orgy. So drink lots of liquids before dialing your conference line's confirmation number.)

Phones, like women, come in all shapes and sizes. Some have cords and some don't. Some have pointy, perky antennas - some larger than others - and some have antennas that you can't see. Usually those are the phones with the most personality. All cell phones have some sort of plug for an adapter so they can recharge, and some even have adapters for the car.

If you're using a land line then there's still plenty of variety, as there are phones connected to their bases and then there are wireless sets connected to a base. You can even have multiple wireless phones connected to multiple bases around your house, all going to the same line, if you're kinky enough.

And of course, those old rotary phones with the dials on them are what we in the business call "cougars."

I finally settled on a Cisco Unified IP Phone 7940G. I mean, why not? It has large, sexy buttons, an LED screen, and even has a red light that flashes when someone calls you. I call that feature the "Red Light District" of the phone.

But after psyching myself up for some experimental phone sex, I slowly put the receiver back down on the hook. I couldn't do it! I didn't want to use this nice, friendly phone with built-in headset connectivity and a large pixel-based display for my own selfish gain or just to alleviate my own loneliness. I wanted to talk to my wife.

So I picked up the phone and called her. Or I would have, if the receiver didn't feel so damn good against my skin.

Hold all my calls!

1 comment:

w said...

ROFL