Friday, October 29, 2010

Bob the Ballerina

Halloween is a time for wearing scary costumes. And what is scarier than me in little-to-no clothes?

The answer: me in a ballerina outfit.

[Picture: Bob the Ballerina!]

That's me in one of Betty's old ballerina outfits, thigh highs (because I couldn't find any leggings), pink slippers and a bow. (Don't worry, Mom, I wore shorts under my outfit.) And since I didn't have any place to put my phone, I tucked it into my man-boob. And, oh yeah, that's me at work.

Actually, let me back up a bit....

When I was in college I participated in the Phi Mu Man of the Year contest to raise money for the Children's Miracle Network. Us men had to wear tuxedos, and we also had to display a talent of some sort. (I was unsuccessful in my lobby for a swimsuit competition.)

Lots of guys had actual talents, like playing guitar, playing piano, juggling, etc. But I, having no real talent of any kind, made do with making people laugh. I did so by somehow squeezing myself into one of Betty's old dance outfits and then danced around on stage in front of thousands of guests to some music from the Nutcracker. Some of the girls from Phi Mu were nice enough to join me on stage for a few minutes at the end, and they were much more graceful and elegant than I was.

Having no actual talent and wearing a lady's ballerina outfit stretched way beyond the max, I still somehow won the People's Choice that night.

And so I thought: I could win my company's Halloween costume contest this year by dusting off the ol' ballerina outfit. Genius!

Couple of problems. First, I had to lose ten pounds to fit in the damn thing. Betty's something like 90 pounds lighter than I am, and I have no idea how I fit into this thing... but I knew that the entire thing would explode if I didn't lose a couple of inches off my waist.

Second, we couldn't find any plain white leggings so I wore something called "Thigh Highs". Guys, you've probably seen those on certain websites while browsing the Internet late at night.

Third, I didn't have any place to put my keys, phone or wallet, so ended up jamming my phone in my man-boobs and had to find a safe place for my other loot. Having my phone tucked into my breast area was actually pretty convenient, as then I could play Nutcracker songs on it while dancing around.

Short interlude: Ladies, you have no idea how much more I respect you for all that you do. Losing weight to fit into a dress... finding the right pair of shoes to match your outfit... evading people trying to take pictures up my skirt... but the worst part was probably wearing the thigh highs, as they cut off the circulation in my fat legs. Plus I ripped a hole in the back of the dress.

But it was all in the name of good fun (plus money for the winners) so I had no choice but to present myself as a ballerina for all of my coworkers' enjoyment and/or horror.

Of course, I couldn't let my daughter see me in a ballerina outfit. She's too young and she wouldn't understand, and it would probably cause years of therapy down the road. So when I left the house I had clothes on over my costume.

[Picture: Bob the Ballerina!]

We also had to parade around our building in order to show off our costumes to everyone. I danced around the entire building - a pretty tiring experience considering that, as a computer programmer, my main form of transportation is basically to use my legs to propel myself while sitting in my chair. So I had to practice my dance moves. I don't have a picture of me dancing at work, but I do have a picture of me practicing my mad skillz at home:

[Picture: Bob the Ballerina!]

I came in third place in the costume contest. I basically told everyone that if I won or at least placed then I would never wear anything like this to work again. That seemed to do the trick.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween! Because if you don't, you just might get a visit from the Tantrum Ballerina. Be afraid... be very afraid!

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