Saturday, November 06, 2010

The Crimson Tide and Other Sports Euphemisms

The LSU Tigers beat the Alabama Crimson Tide tonight, which begs the question:

What the hell is the mascot "the Crimson Tide" supposed to be?

My assumption is that it's a euphemism, and a really dirty one at that. It wouldn't be the first time that a euphemism was used as a sports team's mascot. Ever heard of the Oregon State Beavers, the mascot that clearly only exists to make grown men laugh? (And by "grown men" I mean any male over the age of 4, since that's when us men's maturity levels peak.)

Sexual euphemisms are very common in sports. Baseball seems to have the most euphemisms associated with it. There's "getting to first base," "rounding second", "hitting a home run", etc. Football has a few, such as "scoring a touchdown."

Even though sexual euphemisms are commonly associated with sports terms, I feel that there's a whole slew of sports references that are going unused.

For instance, if we're just strictly talking baseball, there's "balking" - which could be to prematurely end the mating ritual, to put it nicely. "Check swing" could used in a similar fashion. If a guy is "caught looking" then a girl has noticed him staring at her in a meeting. "Choking up the bat" should be obvious. "Dugout" could be used when referencing the anatomy of a girl who has been with or is currently getting with many guys - preferably at the same time. A "wild pitch" is a crazy idea that doesn't fly in bed. And, of course, "a runner in scoring position" is a guy who is hitting it off well with a lady at a bar.

Football has a few unused euphemisms as well. We all know what a touchdown references, but an "interception" could be when you take another guy's date home. A "field goal" is when you get one through the up-rights. There's "helmet-to-helmet," if you're into that kind of thing. There are some that I'm not sure what they could even mean, but sound extra-dirty, like a "safety," a "two-point conversion," and a "the I formation."

Other sports have some euphemisms just waiting to happen. Golf has a "hole in one." Hockey has a "hat trick." Soccer has "goal," "header" and "banana kick." Basketball has the "back court," "fast break" and "shot clock." And of course tennis has "love," "ace" and "ball boy."

After extensive research of these and other much dirtier euphemisms, I've determined that the term "Crimson Tide" is a euphemism that means "all of the girls in Alabama having their periods at the same time." And when people yell, "Roll Tide!" they really mean, "Watch the hell out for our crazy wives, sisters and daughters, because they're all PMSing!"

No wonder Tide fans are so rabid.

Enjoy the ride back to Alabama. Roll Tide... roll right out of town.

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