I just got finished putting up my Christmas lights. There might only be 10 days until Christmas, but I'm going to enjoy the everloving crap out of these things until then.
Actually, I didn't really put them up. My buddies came over and pretty much did everything. My friend Murray hooked up some computer components to a board, ran wires out all around the yard, and programmed everything to blink at intervals that we were able to program. We're computer nerds - we had no choice.
And my buddy Brannon fixed an inflatable Frosty that I bought from Home Depot, which was apparently used because the stakes had dirt on them, some of the packaging inside the box was open, and three LED lights inside the Frosty don't work. He salvaged it by jamming a light up Frosty's rear.
Automated, programmable lights and a Frosty with a lighted butt? Take that, people-across-the-street-with-icicle-lights!
As much fun as it's been putting these lights up, it's going to be a pain to take everything apart. Then I have to store it all. I wish I could just leave everything up, because I'm lazy. That's why I've invented a new holiday season:
It's a combination of Thanksgiving, Halloween and Christmas. Instead of decorating inside and out for Halloween, then taking everything down for Thanksgiving, then putting new stuff up for Christmas, from now on I'm going to just celebrate Thankshallowmas by leaving up the same decorations outside for three months.
So how does one decorate for Thankshallowmas? Well, your decorations need to incorporate all of the fun characteristics of Halloween, like zombies, graves and ghosts. They also need to incorporate Christmas decorations, such as Santa, Frosty, reindeer, etc. And for the Thanksgiving part, you can have a turkey, pilgrims or a cornucopia.
So, to sum it all up, you need a decaying zombie turkey rising up from out of a grave and feasting on the flesh of elves, Santa, cranberries and pumpkin pie, all in inflatable form outside of your house for three months.
I think we can all get behind this new holiday. Let's just hope that the Thankshallowmas inflatables at Home Depot haven't been returned and secretly placed back on the shelf in the hopes that nobody notices.
The Existential Terror of Battle Royale
5 weeks ago