Thursday, April 29, 2010

Strangers in the Night

I like to sing - much to Betty's dismay - but I can never remember the words. Or the melody. So I just make my own words up.

I used to make words up on accident. I would think that I was singing the correct words, but then realize that I had combined three totally different songs into one unmelodious tune.

That's when I turned my attention to actively making up words for songs.

My dad and I used to make up words for songs. Or to be more exact, we'd make up songs for words. If you named a word then we could make a song out of it. For example...

Fish? "A fish is an animal that swims all day long...." (Like to Swing on a Star, by Bing Crosby)

Mouse? "Heeeere I come to save the daaay! Mighty Mouse is on the way!" (Mighty Mouse theme song)

Barbell? "Barbell my belle, you smell like hell!" (Not a real song, thankfully.)

But tonight I came across something really fun... making up sexual lyrics to otherwise non-sexual songs. And it all started with "Strangers in the Night." The key was to replace the word "night" with something else.

Like "spit" or "money for sex", or my personal favorite, "juices."

Need another example? "Yakkity yak, don't talk back!" is magically transformed into "Shackity shack, shackity shack!"

"With Arms Wide Open" by Creed becomes "With Legs Wide Open."

Once you start singing these new and improved songs, it will be hard to sing them any other way. Believe me. Those last two versions have been around since Spring Break 2001. I won't name names (as long as the check arrives by next week - you know who you are) but we've got plenty more to go around.

Leave a comment with a phrase from a song, and I'll sexify it. Or even better, leave your own sexified version of your favorite song for all the world to see how creative you are.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Pork Barrel Projects

Due to the state of the economy, Senate leaders were recently overheard desperately trying to "cut the pork" out of the budget. Unfortunately, the Obama administration and GOP senators got caught up in an ugly debate about which pork barrel projects should be cut.

For instance, David Vitter (R - LA) was overheard arguing with Max Baucus (D - MT) about which projects qualified as "pork" and which projects were actually "chicken." Chicken, of course, is a well known alternative white meat found in several congressional projects and budget actuarial reports.

Vitter was only talking to Senator Baucus because he apparently told staff members that he wanted to go to Bacchus, and his staff misunderstood his request. This led to the ugly tiff between Senators Vitter and Baucus resulting in Senator Vitter's reputation, as well as his manly stamina, being publicly questioned.

These allegations are in a response to Vitter's alleged associations with a brothel, which as we all know contains lots of pork. In fact, in a quest to find more pork for his campaign, Senator Vitter is apparently being accused of "porking" in the brothel, which we can only assume is a political term for finding more pork barrel projects.

Senator Vitter denies the allegations and instead simply says that he was visiting his friend, a Mr. Bourque, who frequents the brothel. Mr. Bourque's personal slogan is: "Bourque - the other white meat." Thus, Senator Vitter was only trying to find replacement white meat for the pork barrel projects which were set to be cut from the budget.

At the end of the day, Vitter left to go suck heads and pinch tails (ie, eat crawfish, for you non-Louisianians) and Senator Baucus went back to doing whatever you do in Montana. As of publishing time, there was no word on the replacement or cutting of any pork barrel projects from the budget.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Big Ben Roethlis-Burger

Ben Roethlisberger, the two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was recently suspended for six games by the NFL for violating the league's personal conduct policy.

And by "violating the league's personal conduct policy," they mean he sexually assualted a girl in Georgia in a bar's bathroom while his bodyguards stood outside the door.

Pittsburgh fans are obviously torn by this decision. On the one hand, they want to see the guy punished; on the other hand, they don't want their team to lose. It's a conundrum.

So to help the Steeler fans through this difficult time, I'm proud to introduce my new fast food item:

The Big Ben Roethlis-Burger

Here are several slogans that we will be using to promote this delicious yet hard-on-the-stomach burger:

  • The Big Ben Roethlis-Burger: When you crave a greasy experience that ends in the bathroom!

  • The Big Ben Roethlis-Burger: It will "steel" your hunger... with some extra, unwanted meat!

  • The Big Ben Roethlis-Burger: It will rape your taste buds!


Have a good idea for a slogan that you'd like to share with the world? Please leave a comment!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Blowing Up the Bathroom

A Baton Rouge man is in custody today after an alleged terrorist plot against a Baton Rouge Denny's.

According to police reports, the man - whom police ask to remain unidentified, fearing reprisals from the man's associates - had just finished a delicious Prime Rib Sizzlin' Skillet Dinner at Denny's when he backed his chair up, tossed his napkin onto the table, stood up and announced to the table that he was going to go, "Drop a bomb in the bathroom."

Witnesses say that he then said he was going to detonate a "stink bomb" that would "blow up the middle stall," and that he "felt sorry for those old people sitting by the doors to the restrooms."

The Denny's in question has been cordoned off by police pending a further investigation.

The people sitting at the man's table told police that the man's comments were just slang for going to the restroom. All three of the man's dinner associates were subsequently tasered and taken into custody.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Putting the S-E-X in the SEC

It was revealed in the news today that SEC staffers watched porn as the economy crashed.

According to this article from the Associated Press, a senior attorney at the SEC's Washington headquarters spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: What website did he go to?

Okay, I know you're all really thinking: What the hell was that a-hole thinking? And when is the date of his planned lethal injection?

Well, I'm here to defend our poor SEC staffers. Here are five good reasons why they should have been watching porn while the economy was swirling down the drain:

1. The senior SEC staffer was probably looking at porn from emerging markets like China, India and Brazil. The higher quality the porn from each country, the better the country's GDP is likely to be.

2. Porn is big business, and some porn organizations are corporations - meaning that the SEC must do extensive research before investigating claims against it.

3. The senior staffer spent 8 hours looking at porn. That's an 8 hour work day. Most people can only handle 15-20 minutes of porn before feeling disgusted with themselves. This man deserves a medal. Also, he might have actually been doing work - and maybe he works best without wearing pants.

4. He might have been testing the ramifications of a federal court's ruling on Network Neutrality.

5. We're lucky he was an SEC staffer. If he was a staffer for the Big 12 then we'd have to hear about how the first three picks of the 2010 NFL draft came out of his conference.

Oh, what the heck, here's a 6th reason:

6. He is the majority shareholder for Kleenex.

Boom!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

A Cajun Clash of the Titans

In the tradition of taking a story and Cajunifying it (to make it Cajun), here is my Cajun version of Clash of the Titans. If you don't know the story then you should probably stop reading, otherwise this story may contain spoilers. (Although, considering that this is mythology and is thousands of years old, maybe it's time someone told you the story if you don't know it by now.)

Clash of the Petite Tantes

Once upon a time there was a god named Moose (Zeus). He was a good-timing god and liked to play the accordion, go mudding in his truck, get drunk, and make love to mere mortals' wives. One day a boy named Percy (Perseus) was born, and he was the son of Moose - you could tell because of the way he went muddin'. But he wasn't the son of Moose's wife. Instead, he was the son of a mortal's wife, so the mortal's wife's husband took her on to Jerry Springer.

Moose lived in the top story of his parents' duplex. Moose's brother, Teefus, who everybody called "Hey, T!" (Hades), lived in the basement. Teefus didn't like the basement, because it was hot and muggy all year round, except for a couple of weeks in February after the Saints won the Superbowl.

Although Percy was Moose's son, Moose didn't raise him. Percy was raised by a shrimper. One day while in the wetlands south of Lafourche, Percy's ship was attacked by Teefus, because Teefus didn't want Percy to inherit the top floor of the duplex. Percy swore to get revenge by telling everyone that Teefus's hot sauce was made in New York City.

Percy got drunk and left an angry message on Teefus's voice mail indicating that he was going to take him to small claims court. Then he got drunker and went out to go kill Teefus.

Percy consulted three old hags (the Graeae) out in the swamp. They said that Teefus had a monster, named the Cracklin' (the Kraken), that was made of fried fat, and the only way to kill the Cracklin' was to either eat it or make it look into Deuce's eyes. Deuce, whose name got the same reaction everywhere - "Mais, Deuce! Ehhh!" (Medusa) - was an old hag who lived with snakes and never showered. It was said that just looking at her could make a man "get hard," so many men went to see her, only to die by turning into stone.

Teefus was going to have Crackin' kill a pretty girl named Andrepont (Andromeda), because Andrepont refused his offer of marrige - she didn't want to get married to anyone who lived in a basement because it's too hot down in South Louisiana for that, sha! Plus, Andrepont's mother, Cassie (Cassiopeia), had already offended Teefus by saying Andrepont was too good for him.

But Teefus needed Moose's permission to let Cracklin' out, because Cracklin' always damaged a lot of property and Moose had to bail him out of jail. But Moose let him go, saying, "Release the Cracklin'!"

But just then, Percy killed Deuce and took her head to the beach, where Cracklin' was bathing. Cracklin' looked at Deuce's severed head and got hard, then turned to stone and died. Andrepont thanked Percy by giving him a coupon for a year's supply of Tony Chachere's.

Everyone lived happily ever after... except for Cracklin', who died; Teefus, who went back to his basement; and Cassie, who died of heat exhaustion after Moose and her got it on in the back of his pickup truck after a fun day of muddin'.

The End

Clash of the Tetons

My dad and I tried to go see Clash of the Titans today. But since we're in Lafayette, I thought it would be funny to use my fake Cajun accent when ordering the tickets, and ended up saying "Clash of the Tetons."

Which, in Cajun French, roughly translates to "Clash of the Huge Breasts."

So we ended up watching something that I would usually find very entertaining... but watching it with my dad was kind of weird. But of course we stayed for the whole show - it was in 3D, after all.

Who knew the Grand Cinema had a back room for just that sort of movie?

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Sha-wer in Sha-fayette

We're going to a shower on Saturday. But since the shower is in Lafayette, and since we call Lafayette "Sha-fayette" because everyone says "Sha!", we've officially branded the shower as the Sha-wer.

You can combine "sha-wer" with all of your other favorite Cajun catchphrases, most notably "aw, sha!"

Here are some examples of usage:

"I'm going to an aw, sha-wer, sha!"

"Aw, sha, dat's a cute sha-wer, bebe!"

"You wanna sha-wer wit me, sha? Mais, sha, I was just joking! Unless you want to, sha!"

I'll probably post some more examples after I get sha-faced at the sha-wer. If you have a sha-wer-nism, please leave a comment!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Is Snow White Sleeping Beauty?

Betty and I read books to Anne every night, and right now we're in a Disney princess phase. Anne's also at the stage where she enjoys watching Disney movies - over and over again. So although I haven't done extensive research on this particular topic, I think I'm more than qualified to give an expert opinion on the matter. And that matter is:

Are Snow White and Sleeping Beauty the same person?

I'll give you the facts and give you my two cents, then you decide for yourself. Also, just remember that any conclusion other than mine is wrong.

Here are the obvious similarities:

1. Both Snow White and Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) are princesses.

2. Both are put into a deep sleep by witches.

3. Both are awoken by princes.

4. Both princes awake the girls by kissing them. (And I think Prince Charming might have copped a feel during his kiss.)

5. Both girls are cared for by little people. Snow White had seven dwarfs taking care of her, and Aurora had her fairy godmothers. And we all know that fairies are tiny.

Here are the not so obvious similarities:

1. The Wicked Queen is Snow White's evil stepmother. Maleficent is a wicked fairy who is Disney's interpretation of the evil fairy godmother.

2. Both girls are named after colors / nature. Snow White is obviously white snow... and an aurora is a natural light in the sky.

3. Prince Phillip is the name of the prince who awakens Sleeping Beauty, but in some older versions of the story, the prince is simply Prince Charming - the very same name of the prince who awakens Snow White.

4. Both Snow White and Aurora spend a lot of time in a woodland cottage. Snow White finds the dwarfs' cottage after running away from the evil queen's henchman, and Aurora is taken to a woodland cottage by her fairy godmothers.

5. I couldn't think of a fifth reason, but wanted to round out my thesis.

We haven't gotten to Cinderella yet, but I'm already counting the similarities between her story and Snow White's / Aurora's.

Have a different opinion? Leave me a comment and tell me what you think.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Civilization

My brother-in-law, Danny, and I were building sand castles on the beach today. We started out building sand castles for the kids, but then we got really into it. We started building turrets, moats, roads to connect the multiple fortresses....

It soon became the game Civilization.

[Picture: Anne spies on Danny's castle]

Danny's civilization was a culture that built large, cylindrical structures in close proximity to each other. Surrounding each cylinder were outposts that were shaped like the carriage in Cinderella. They looked rather fairy-tailish, but believe me, their sand cannons were ferocious.

[Picture: Danny's culture builds large cylindrical structures]

While Danny's civilization was all into big, windowless cylinders, my culture mass produced smaller, more modular structures. My city, called "Danny's Town Stinksville," was mostly comprised of peasants who worshiped the sun and played soccer.

[Picture: My city grows right across from Danny's]

My city was building up rather well, until all of a sudden, there was a massive sandquake that resulted in a large, fiery volcano to be formed - right by our two cities! Oh no!

[Picture: The volcano rises!]

Danny and I were just about to go to war over whose civilization was going to be able to worship within the mouth of the volcano by enslaving and sacrificing the other city's population to the gods of the volcano, but just then, out of the blue, a new player appeared on the scene.

Witness: the "other city."

[Picture: The other city]

Danny and I quickly signed a truce and formed an alliance, and combined our military might in order to defeat our new foe. We thought of creating a government-sponsored grant to encourage our sand scientists to raise and train Sand Sharks, then unleash them onto our foe, but instead we focused on molding tens of tiny sand tanks. We figured the Sand Sharks would be too unpredictable.

But then we had to take drastic action after another, mightier fortress appeared right down the beach. Just look at this magnificent castle, which we dubbed the "Dark Fortress":

[Picture: The dark fortress!]

With almost all hope lost, Danny's civilization and mine met at the mouth of the active volcano and prayed to the lava gods to attack both of our new enemies. And our prayers were answered in the form of...

Turtle Girl!

[Picture: Turtle Girl attacks!]

Turtle Girl curb stomped the Dark Fortress, then destroyed the other civilization. Once Turtle Girl was safely back in Mommy's arms, Danny and I once again sent spies and assassins into each other's cities, resulting in a slow decline of our standard of living. Finally, all of our sand people moved to the suburbs, where the schools are better and our kids don't have to worry about being eaten by Sand Sharks on the way to school.

It was a great day on the beach. I have no idea what the kids did, but Danny and I had a lot of fun.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Orange Beach

We're in Orange Beach, AL, this weekend.

My daughter, Anne, has been talking about the beach for weeks. We don't know where she got the idea - she just turned two, and we haven't been to the beach since last summer. But if my little princess wants the beach, then she gets the beach!

[Picture: Anne at the beach!]

I only have one gripe about Orange Beach: the beach is not orange. The sand is almost pure white, and the water is crystal clear. I see nothing orange about it!

We're staying at a place called Sea Chase, and it's pretty great. They have an indoor pool, a hot tub inside, another hot tub outside, a regular pool with a "zero point entry," and a kiddie pool outside. They also have a little spray park area right by the outdoor pools.

If only it weren't so frickin' cold outside, maybe we'd go to the pools more often. Actually, it's not the cold that is the problem... it's the wind. Once you get wet and that wind comes whipping at you, you only have two choices: jump back in the pool or bury yourself in the sand.

The temperature and the wind are both much more tolerable in the afternoon, so we've been spending our mornings at the indoor pool and our afternoons at the beach. And Annie definitely is a little sand crab! She loves the sand.

On Friday, Anne spent the afternoon running up and down the beach, right where the water hits the sand. I could barely keep up with her! And the whole time she ran, she sang the themesong to "Choo Choo Soul."

Chugga, pssshh, chugga, aah!

Saturday is our last full day at Orange Beach. I plan on finishing the last seven turrets on my amazing sand castle, then unleashing a horde of sand crabs upon our closest neighbor's sand fortress. My daughter, niece and nephew will also help stomp any other sand castles in the area.

Monday, April 05, 2010

A Happy Easter Birthday!

Question: What's better than seeing your child's face on Easter morning?

[Picture: Anne's second Easter!]

Second part of the question: What's better than seeing your child's face on his or her birthday?

[Picture: Anne's second birthday!]

You guessed it: An inflatable ball pit!

[Picture: Ball pit!]

Well, okay - maybe that's a close second.

Easter was Anne's second birthday, so the Easter bunny brought more than just eggs and candy... it also brought lots of loot! We started the day off with some Birthday Pancakes.

[Picture: Birthday pancakes!]

Then Betty put the finishing touches on her Bunny Cakes. She made two cakes - one male and one female - in the hopes that they would multiply on their own and so that she wouldn't have to make any more.

[Picture: ]

I roamed the yard looking for wasp nests and ant hills to destroy. And as it turns out, wasps are descendants of ants, which is important to know because that means whatever kills wasps - like my giant can of Wasp Killer that has a 27 foot range - can also be used on ant hills. Die, ants, die! Bwahahaha!

[Picture: ]

All of Anne's cousins came to our house for her Easter/Birthday party. I knew we'd get a lot of presents from our families and knew we didn't have room in our house, so I tried to hide some of Anne's other toys in little plastic eggs and then dispersed them around the yard. But wouldn't you know it, the kids were on to me... they all obtained wicker baskets from somewhere, gathered up into a posse and went egg hunting around the yard. And they found every last one of them, too. Next time I'll just get a Pod.

[Picture: ]

Anne's cakes were delicious! Betty had actually made another cake in addition to the two bunnies. It was a chocolate cake in the shape of an Easter basket, with white icing. We pretty much devoured everything. Those kids are like locusts, moving from party to party and eating everything in sight. Or, maybe that was me... I did have a lot to eat. Oh well, it's my blog, I'll blame the kids if I want to!

[Picture: ]

As for presents, we put my future brother-in-law, John Bobby, to work undoing all of the ties on the presents. We decided that it takes 10x longer for an adult to untie a child's present than it does for a child to break into a bottle of child-proof Tylenol. There can be no logical reason for this, other than that toy makers are tie-happy sadists.

[Picture: ]

Betty and I loved having all of our family over for Easter and for Anne's birthday. It made it so special to have everyone there, especially because a lot of our family drove in from out of town. And of course, at the end of the day, we had an inflatable ball pit all to ourselves... jackpot!

[Picture: ]

Happy Easter!

Friday, April 02, 2010

Tickle Switch: Engage!

My daughter Anne and I have a new routine after bath time. It's called the Cry and Dry.

It basically consists of her screaming and flailing while I try to take her out of the tub, then I swaddle her up in a towel while yelling, "Cry and dry!" My yelling of this new term doesn't seem to calm her down, but this point of my day now has its own name.

After she's dried off, we move onto the "Cry and Diap" which consists of me trying to put a diaper on her while she cries.

But my favorite new activity involves a single light switch.

The changing table is in Anne's old room, and there are two light switches right next to the changing table. So whenever we go to change Annie, she wants to flip the switches off and on. One switch controls the lights. The other switch does nothing.

Well, it used to do nothing. Now... it's the Tickle Switch!

When the tickle switch is turned on, I yell out, "Tickle switch: Engage!" Anne shrieks, then bursts out laughing as I tickle her. When she's had enough, she flips the tickle switch again. We've done it enough times now that she'll even intone, "Tickle switch: Off!"

The tickles can come from various sources. There are full-fledged tickles, then there are "ticklets." But I'm patenting a new tickle technique called the "Tickle Missile." To create a tickle missile, I ball my fist up, point my index finger towards the sky, and pretend my finger is a missile - with the target being an armpit or exposed tummy. I always make a rocket sound as the heat-seeking ticket missile races towards its goal, and upon contact with the target there are always tons of big tickles and ticklets.

Who knew a dead light switch could be so much fun?

Topeka, Louisiana

Google is currently trying to find some "beta" cities for a new fiber network, called Fiber for Communities. The new fiber network is supposed to be 100x faster than what's currently available. You or someone you know is probably already a member of a Facebook fan page to get Google to install the new fiber lines in your city.

And just so we're all on the same page here, the "fiber" in question is not the kind that makes your bowels explode through your rears. (Although I'm sure the guys at Google could do that if they put their minds to it.)

We Baton Rougeans are pushing hard to become a beta city, although it looks like New Orleans might get it instead of us.

But about a month ago, in an effort to be an attention whore, the city of Topeka, Kansas, changed its name to Google for a month. In response, Google changed its name to Topeka for April Fool's Day.

But the city of Baton Rouge didn't realize that the formerly named Topeka, Kansas, had changed its name only temporarily, and also didn't realize that Google had renamed itself to Topeka as an April Fool's Day joke. So Baton Rouge, in an effort to steal the limelight off of Topeka, er... Google... Kansas, renamed itself to Topeka.

So now we live in a suburb of Topeka, Louisiana. Please update your address books accordingly.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

The End

I started this blog in May of 2006. I'll admit, I was nervous about those first few blog posts. I didn't know if anyone would like my writing or sense of humor, and I was hesitant to post anything online. I almost deleted the blog after a few days.

When my buddy Aaron sent out an email to our coworkers telling them about the blog, I was embarrassed. I might have even fussed at him. But Aaron helped me build a following, and everyone was so nice and encouraging that I couldn't help but to write as much as I could. I felt bad if I missed a day of writing, and sometimes even wrote two or three blogs in a single day.

Since then, almost every night for three and a half years I've sat at my computer to write a blog post. It's become a part of my daily routine. But with a two year-old and another baby on the way, I think it's time to call it quits.

We have one life to live, and I'm extremely thankful that you have been a part of mine. Thank you for sharing in my life and experiences via the blog for the better part of the past three and a half years. I have really enjoyed writing, hearing your comments, and getting your suggestions for new blogs. And I am deeply thankful for everyone's encouragement.

Thank you all for walking on this journey with me. I look forward to seeing what you will now share with the rest of the world.

The end.