Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Blog Moratorium

Sorry for not blogging lately, but we've had some issues over here in the Tanory household.

First, our computer's hard drive died after a power outage. Luckily I've got some hardcore computer geek friends at work who are going to help me recover my pictures. I had backed up our pictures and videos a few weeks ago but don't want to lose the last month's worth of pics of my kids.

Second, our son Peter was admitted to the NICU after having a fever of 103.1. He's doing better now but it seriously puts a cramp on my blogs. I had a great blog comparing one of his recent blowouts (code name for explosive poops) to the BP oil spill. Now that'll have to wait.

I know everything will be alright, but until we get home, our kid is ok and our computer is back up and running, it'll be hard to blog. I'll have to entertain myself by driving Betty crazy - I have no choice!

Please keep Peter and Betty in your prayers!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Instant Boob Job

Here's a great Father's Day tip for all you dads out there: How to make your wife have a natural, instant boob job.

For this tip to work, though, there are a few things you need:

1. A wife or significant other who has recently given birth and is breastfeeding; and

2. A screaming baby.

This tip is pretty simple, actually. When your wife hears your baby cry, her body's natural response is to create more milk. So the next time you're holding your child and he or she starts crying, don't try to soothe it - let it cry. Alternately, you can gently pinch your child to make it cry.

Note: It's not recommended to pinch your child, and if you do, it's not recommended that you tell your wife that you pinched it.

Once your wife hears the crying child, her brain will tell her to make more milk. Her ta-tas will then start to fill up with milk, and her breasts will start to fill up her bra. When her breasts start to leak milk, your job is done: her breasts are as full as they are going to get.

The result: Instant boob job.

She'll probably complain about her breast milk leaking out or of the fact that her boobies are now rock-solid. But don't worry - that's a natural response to having her body generate several gallons of milk in a matter of minutes, all because you wanted her rack to look extra hot for Father's Day.

Look for another tip tomorrow on how to get your wife to stop stabbing you repeatedly for making her breasts hard as rocks.

Happy Father's Day!

The Bad Call

I hate referees. It doesn't matter what sport I'm watching, I can always find fault with the ref. If there was a ref for Chess, Checkers or Quidditch, I would definitely point him or her out as the dumbest, biggest asshole in the room.

But refs don't win or lose games. Players do.

As everybody knows, the US got robbed of a goal against Slovenia by a controversial call by a moronic ref. And since then, nobody has stopped talking about it. But there's one thing nobody has said so far:

The ref didn't cause us to not win the game. We did. Now it's time to get over it and focus on the next game!

Refs make bad calls. It's part of the game. Yelling at the ref is actually part of what makes soccer so much fun. I got a lot of yellow cards when I played soccer, and 90 percent of them were for calling the ref a dumbass to his face. The other 10 percent were due to obscene hand gestures and comments about his mom.

And did it ever help? Ever change the ref's mind, even one time? Ever make the ref think: Gee, I got that call wrong?

No. That's what's so great about Jim Joyce, the ref who made a bad call that ruined a perfect game. Sure, it was a bad call, but at least he was man enough to admit it. And if you're one of those people who says, "Yeah, but how could he not have apologized... it was evident on instant replay!" then you don't know refs like I do.

I used to have friends whose parents were refs. It didn't matter what they'd say - the sky was orange, bacon comes from cows, the player was offsides - they never EVER took anything back. They thought very highly of themselves and their opinions, and they never apologized.

So although we got a bad call, the fact is that the US had several chances to score, and worse, we allowed Slovenia to score by playing poor defense. And that's why the US tied with Slovenia. Slovenia played well, and the US wasn't expecting such a fight. Now we just need to play our best against Slovenia.

The world is our oyster, and all we need to do now is kick it's gooey, tasty center into the back of the net!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Jackson Pollock

I promise you that after reading this blog post, you will never think of Jackson Pollock the same way again.

Jackson Pollock was known for his splatter paint "art." And I have great news for any Jackson Pollock art lovers... my son, Peter, is the next great splatter painter!

Except, instead of using paint, he uses his bowels.

One time Pete let out a tremendous grunt. The room shook... the sky turned grey... there was great wailing and gnashing of gums - he's still several months away from cutting teeth. And then we heard a squirt.

My wife informed me that it was my turn to change Pete's diaper. And when I opened it up, there was a single little squirt of doo. I call it like I see them, and I yelled out that it was a "Jackson Pollock."

Everyone laughed, and the name has stuck.

It's not even a catchphrase for us anymore. It's what we naturally call some of his dirty diapers. Jackson Pollocks: dirty diapers filled with splatter paint butt art.

Any art schools seeking a three week old prodigy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Monday, June 14, 2010

Anne's First Mario Kart Race

Yesterday my daughter Anne and I had some Daddy / Daughter bonding time while playing Mario Kart for the Wii. And I'm proud to say that I kicked her butt at it.

Mario Kart!

Sure, she's just two and is learning about fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination, but she had the orange mushroom speed-boost item and never used it! I mean, how can you feel sorry for her when she doesn't shoot even one of her three red turtle shells at the opposing players???

On our first race I was well in the back because I kept showing her how to hold the steering wheel. She would press the button for a while and then get bored and try to go play with her Little People. "No!" I'd tell her, "you need to drop that banana peel so Donkey Kong won't lap you again! Hit the up arrow and then the Z trigger! Z trigger, dangit, not the B button, the Z trigger!" I had to frantically destroy every other player with my star of invincibility just in order to place third in the race.

It's almost as if she didn't want to feel the exhilaration of knocking Luigi into a deep cavern on the Mushroom Gorge level, or the rush of adrenaline that comes with plowing through livestock on the second half of the Moo Moo Meadows course. Well I'll be damned if my child isn't going to know that the secret to starting off with a speed boost is to start holding down the 2 button on the second light at the start of the race!

Tomorrow I'm going to show her how to rock out on Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. And if she doesn't get a 100% completion rate on Foghat's "Slow Ride" then we're going to stay up all night until she gets it right.

It may be tough love, but somebody's got to teach this generation how to be the best they can be!

Rue Beignet

Anne's favorite movie at the moment is The Princess and the Frog. P & F (as we call it) takes place in New Orleans, and the main character in the movie makes beignets. In fact, beignets play such a large role in the movie that they have almost as much screen time as the cast.

There's only so many cartoon beignets that I can look at before I need the real thing, so Betty, Anne, Pete and I checked out a new beignet place in Baton Rouge called Rue Beignet.

[Beignets!]

In The Princess and the Frog, the main character, Tiana, puts honey on her beignets in addition to powdered sugar. To us Louisianians, this is a matter of some debate. We've spoken to several Nawlins natives, and none remember anyone ever putting honey on their beignets. It could be that it's a mix of putting powdered sugar on French beignets and honey on Spanish sopapillas, or it could be that the vast and powerful honey industry has infiltrated the Disney animation group. The world might never know.

Lucky for us, Rue Beignet has several different toppings for their tasty treats. You can have your beignets (or beignet fingers) with powdered sugar, chocolate, cinnamon sugar... or honey! You can even get a sampler. We got some with powdered sugar and some with honey. The ones with honey also came with a good measure of sugar, and there was extra sugar on the table - which was helpful because the sugar originally placed on the beignets melted right into the honey.

[Beignets!]

The beignets were made to order, so they came out piping hot. It was a little tough keeping Anne away from her treats while they cooled down. She kept touching the beignets, then pouting when they were hot on her fingers. But then she'd start licking the powdered sugar off her finger, and the world was suddenly right as rain again.

[Beignets!]

By the way, Rue Beignet is located on Highland right by Healing Place Church. So if you try to go to Rue Beignet on a Sunday, make sure it's not right before or after church, otherwise you'll be stuck in traffic. However, you could probably get the traffic cops to let you through if you promise to bring them a batch of some tasty beignets!

[Beignets!]

At the end of the day, all that was left of our six beignets was a little honey left on a plate, with some crumbles of powdered sugar melted into it. Everything else was devoured. We were like locusts.

[Beignets!]

And we will come again! Get ready for us!

Friday, June 11, 2010

World Cup 2010: The Shirts

You all knew it would come down to this. I've made my World Cup 2010 images into shirts for all the world to enjoy. If enough people buy and wear my shirts then hold hands, it will be like arms across America, except it will be Jock Straps Across the Globe.

I know, I know... the thought brings a tear to my eye, too.

World Cup 2010! shirt


World Cup 2010! (With added support) shirt

World Cup 2010

In honor of the World Cup, I've created two new images for your viewing pleasure:

Picture 1: The "World Cup"

[Picture: The World Cup]

Notice how the cup is over Florida, which is the United State's most penis-shaped state. Also in the running for penis-shaped land mass: Italy.

And...

Picture 2: The "World Cup" with Extra Support

[Picture: The World Cup]

By the way, if you're a dude, NEVER search for "jock strap" on Google images. Trust me on this.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

TechEd 2010

Microsoft's annual technology conference, TechEd, was held at the Convention Center in New Orleans this week.

I had originally decided to not go to TechEd because my son was due on the day the conference started. But Pete came early, and someone else on my team couldn't go on Thursday, so I ended up with a pass.

I sat through two interesting presentations - and even got to listen to the senior project manager for the SQL Server development team - before finding my first blog-worthy material: A woman whose sole job is to hold up an "Available Seating" sign in the lunch room of the Convention Center.

[Picture: Available seating!]

I'm not trying to disrespect this person in any way. But I just find it odd that some of the smarted, most talented computer scientists congregated at TechEd, and for some reason the people at the Convention Center think us computer nerds can't identify empty seats on our own.

Also, there were two people sitting at the table that the girl holding the Available Seating sign was standing around. I wonder what they were thinking the whole time. Probably something like, "What the hell, there are tons of other tables with empty seats, why is she trying to get people to come sit with us! We're computer scientists - we're loners - we want to sit alone in peace!"

I also like to think of how the interview for this job went. "M'am, this job entails holding an 8 ounce sign up for extended periods of time. Do you think you're up for the challenge?"

Anyway...

The presentations at TechEd were interesting, but the best part for me was going around to hunt for swag. In the past, you had to actually talk to the people at the vendor booths in order to get their promotional items (pens, shirts, etc), but this year the vendors just scanned the attendees' badges and obtained all their info - email, phone number, address, etc. We were told early on that if we got our badges scanned at a booth then the vendor would probably contact us.

Lucky for me, the badge I was using wasn't my own, so the contact information that I was giving out was for the poor sap who loaned me his badge. And yes, I got swag from every single booth. At first I was just carrying my swag around, but eventually I had to find a bag for my swag - a swag bag!

I also took a picture with the only hot girl at TechEd. I like to think of her as Ms. TechEd 2010.

[Picture: Bob and the only hot girl at TechEd]

I also took a picture with one of the TechEd mascots.

[Picture: Bob and the TechEd mascot]

I'll admit, I had a lot of fun finding all the swag. But all of my hard work at swag hunting was not for personal gain. I'm bringing a bunch of loot back to the office to share with the people who didn't get a chance to go. The things I'm bringing back are shown below....

We have shirts, caps, pens, key chain flashlights, key chain markers, stickers, a back scratcher, books, CDs, software, fake tattoos, candy, bandannas...

[Picture: Swag!]

stress relief balls, bouncy balls, blocks that light up when water touches them, more pens...

[Picture: A different angle of my swag!]

and of course, a swag bag, to fill up with more swag at the next conference that I attend. Now I just need to find another person's badge to take to my next conference so that I don't have to get contacted from any of the vendors!

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

The Future of Driving Like a Maniac

We need new, inventive ways to stop people from speeding, running red lights and swerving through traffic. Red light cameras and speed cameras are currently being used in several cities in Louisiana, and these are helpful tools to deter bad driving habits but they're not useful at actually stopping bad behavior.

In light of this info, here are a few of my ideas to stop bad driving behavior, listed in order from most technologically advanced to most invasive:

1. Build cars with wireless modems in the car's computer. Have speed limit signs outfitted with some mechanism of sending out a wireless signal with the speed limit. The car drives past a speed limit sign, picks up the signal, and the car's computer automagically adjusts the speed if it's going too high. There would need to be an override for this in case of emergencies, like if your wife is pregnant, if someone is injured and is being rushed to the hospital, or you need to get home from Church in time for the start of the Saints game. A fine could also be sent to the speeder depending on how fast the person was going, but the main point is to stop the person from speeding.

2. Have a SpeedPass or E-Z Pass system, but don't just use it for tolls. If you don't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, the wireless-enabled stop sign contacts your car's SpeedPass account and charges you a set fee. If you run a red light, your account is charged a certain amount per mile until you safely pass through a green light.

3. Outfit all cars with cameras, much like how cop cars have cameras. If you see someone run a red light or swerve through traffic, you can push a button on your dashboard and the last few seconds of your camera's video is wirelessly sent off to be processed. If you catch someone running a stop sign or zooming on the Interstate then your account is credited a fee.

4. The part of the street right next to all stop signs could have a small speed bump. That would discourage people from running stop signs.

5. When a traffic light turns red, spikes can rise up from the ground and anyone who runs the light gets their tires ripped up. The longer the light is red, the higher the spikes get.

Got an idea for a way to stop bad driving behavior? Please leave a comment!

Mad Hops

I have a great idea for an ad campaign for any beer company that wants to sponsor the NBA playoffs. You could have a slogan that simply said:

We've Got Mad Hops!

Because, you know, beer is made with hops and basketball players call jumping "hops". If I have to explain it then it's not funny anymore.

Anyway, dearest Potential Beer Company Client, have a guy dressed as a bottle of your beer jumping on a trampoline in front of a basketball net and slamming a ball into the hoop. Show the slogan right as the slam dunk occurs. And...

Bam! Instant awesomeness!

Oh, and make sure to have a few scantily clad cheerleaders in the background. Let me know if you need help with casting.

Any marketing people hiring? Specifically, any marketing people hiring and need a guy who just sits back and thinks of crappy ideas then lets other people do the actual work? If so, drop me a line!

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Computer Nerds Invade New Orleans!

New Orleans has been hit hard in recent years. First there was Hurricane Katrina, then the BP oil spill. And now, to top it all off, Microsoft TechEd comes to New Orleans.

Nerds invading New Orleans? Oh, the humanity!

What is TechEd? TechEd is the annual conference for software developers and IT professionals put on by Microsoft. It's a great place to learn about up-and-coming technologies, as well as pick up some cool swag.

If you're going to attend TechEd or just be in the New Orleans area this week, here are a few things to watch out for:

1. Steve Ballmer, Microsoft's CEO, dropping his famous mantra, "Developers! Developers! Developers!" in place of "Muffulettas! Muffulettas! Muffulettas!"

2. While walking in the French Quarter, Zain Naboulsi, Microsoft Evangelist and author the Visual Studio 2010 Tips and Tricks blog, is repeatedly asked to "show his tips!"

3. Microsoft to unveil that Silverlight 4.0 to be renamed Beignet 1.0.

4. Out on Bourbon, women asked to show their breasts for copies of Windows 7 instead of beads.

5. Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to donate $100 Million to help protect Gulf coast wildlife as well as buy a hand grenade from Tropical Isle for every TechEd attendee.

6. Dave Chappelle to make appearance at TechEd.

7. Windows Live Hotmail, previously named MSN Hotmail, to once again get a new name: Windows Live Gold Club.

8. The Hands-on Labs at TechEd will take place at several strip clubs on Bourbon.

9. All TechEd sessions to begin at 2 PM to allow attendees to recover from massive hangovers from previous night's partying.

And finally:

10. Hustler Club sponsors TechEd, gives new meaning to "Hard Drive."

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Spicey Labels

Blogger has a way for me to label my posts. I've rarely used this feature because it seems kind of pointless. Usually if I want to find something on my blog I'll use the search feature at the top of the page.

But lately I've been thinking about what labels I would use if I were to label all of my posts. And I think I've come up with the perfect labeling system:

I'll use the names of the Spice Girls.

Think about it for a second... okay, maybe think about it for another second. The Spice Girls are as follows: Baby, Posh, Scary, Ginger and Sporty. It's the perfect Dewey Decimal system for my blog!

The labels would be associated with blog posts in the following way:

Baby: Posts about my babies, me acting like a baby, or midgets.

Posh: Posts about money in and of itself, as well as how to make money by using my innovative business ideas.

Sporty: Posts about the World Cup, the Olympics, cheerleaders, and other recreational activities.

Ginger: Posts about the ginger root, Gilligan's Island, and redheads in general. (Of which this post is the first for all three.)

Scary: Everything else, I guess. Can we shoot Scary Spice and come up with another Spice Girl name? That would be better for my labeling system.

If you have your own labeling system or have a suggestion for how I can improve mine, please drop me a line!