Monday, January 17, 2011

Polarized Congress Fights Over Twilight Saga

Amidst the recent issues in the American economy - calls by Treasury Secretary Geithner to raise the debt ceiling, the highest level of unemployment since the Great Depression and rising economic competition from the Far East - the US Congress decided to have a team building exercise tonight in an effort to form a cohesive unit that would be capable of taking on these and other challenges.

Based on the recommendations of Senator Chris Coons (D - DE), Congress spent $4.99 plus tax to rent The Twilight Saga: Eclipse from the Blockbuster at 410 8th Street Southeast, then watched it on the House floor's projection monitor.

Speaker of the House Boehner (pronounced: Boner) used his impressively large gavel to bring the movie into order. After the shushing of several talkative Democratic representatives, the movie began without a hitch and both parties keenly observed the story of a young girl (Bella) in Forks, Washington, who falls in love with a vampire (Edward Cullen) but is also attracted to a scantily clad werewolf (Jacob).

Senator Susan Collins (R - ME) presented a bar chart to Congress explaining why it's possible for Jacob's werewolf form to have more mass than his human form, then immediately raised a resolution to have the United States officially recognize Team Jacob as Bella's preferred love interest.

Democrats quickly rallied for Team Edward, noting that not only were Patty Murray and Maria Cantwell both Democratic senators from Washington and therefore held jurisdiction in Forks, Washington, but also that Edward Cullen was totally hot, never aged, and sparkled when exposed to sunlight.

In a conciliatory effort, David Vitter (R - LA) and Mary Landrieu (D - LA) sought to add an amendment to the resolution stating that Jacob was indeed extra sexy without his shirt but also that Edward had a high level of moral authority since he was a vampire that did not drink human blood, and therefore both should be considered suitors of the lovely yet melancholy Bella. They also noted that several scenes for the Twilight movies were shot in Louisiana. Vitter then led several other senators out to a bar, then presumably to a brothel.

Norm Dicks, a Democratic Representative for Washington, then filibustered the rest of the movie by first explaining that this was not the first nor last time a Twilight movie would be shown on the House floor's projection monitor, then read from passages of the first Twilight book until the movie was over.

The airing of the second half of the movie, which most of Congress missed due to all of the polarized arguing and filibustering, will be played tomorrow night if Senator Coons is able to get another $4.99 plus tax from the taxpayers to rent the movie for another night, which he's expected to receive pending a deduction from the Education fund.

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